The reason I'm here is to let you know that there are stupid people walking about.

And I don't just mean people who think it’s funny to go into an undertakers and lie on the counter and shout service, I mean really fucking stupid people who should be avoided at any cost.
I'll give you an example of the kind of person I mean.

Two weeks ago I went to my local multiplex cinema and during the film an alarm sounded.
The film didn't stop or anything like that, obviously the manager of the cinema didn't want to spoil our viewing pleasure, it just kept going with the alarm sounding over the top of a rather good part of the film.
Now as soon as the alarm rang my brain kicked in and said to me “S’cuse me Ross, are you busy? It’s just that that noise that you hear is an alarm of some sort...”
But I was too engrossed in the film and the jumbo bucket of popcorn I was eating and I sat there wondering what the noise was.
So my brain yelled at me “THAT'S A FUCKING ALARM YOU IDIOT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!”
And just as my brain was yelling at me the film stopped and all the house lights came up and an announcement came over the PA system,

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have an emergency situation, please vacate the building via the nearest exit.”

Now, The parts of the announcement that caught my attention were “Emergency situation” and “Nearest exit” so I grabbed my shit and made a beeline for the fire exit, when someone said, and I kid you not, “You cant go out of there, That's a fire exit.”
Now, I ask you how fucking moronic do you have to be to say to someone in the middle of an alarm “You cant go out there, that's a fire exit.”

I really wanted to scream “And that’s a fire alarm you fucking moron!!!” But because i’m a nice guy i didn’t.
I merely pushed my way past the panicking guy in the wheelchair, Knocked the pensioner out of my way, Climbed over the group of school kids and got out of there as quick and as safely, for me anyway, as possible.

And that’s not even the half of the level of stupidity in this country. how’s this for stupid?

Last year in the UK there were 100,000 people injured (or even killed) carrying out DIY.
Apparently (Bloody obviously if you ask me) Lack of knowledge in the task in hand is the main reason that people are mutilated in various ways.

This leads me to believe that all DIY should be banned.
I would make this a personal crusade but to be honest the more idiots that are killed, ‘cos they don't know that holding a nail gun to the side of your head and pulling the trigger is a bad idea, the better.
That statement may make me sound a bit harsh, maybe even heartless, but I stand by my words.
Consider this, in the early days of humanity there was such a thing as natural selection.
If you poked a snake with a stick and it tried to bite you, you soon realised that poking snakes with sticks was definatly low on the list of clever things to do, and you didn't do it again. (Unless you were low on the evolutionary scale, in which case you got bit, the wound went septic and you then proceeded to die from stupidity).
But in the modern sanitised, safe, disinfected world almost all the danger has been removed, thereby eliminating nature’s weed-whacker.

Every week some 3,900 people are treated in hospital after DIY repairs go wrong.
What this statement fails to tell you is how many of our less cerebrally endowed friends thought to try some DIY doctoring by trying to reapply a severed limb with a handful of sticking plasters and a bottle of TCP.
“According to the latest statistics (the 1998 Home Accident Surveillance data) there were about 47,000 DIY-related injuries between January and March, whilst in April alone, there were 21,000”
This may not be a very accurate statistic as to the actual amount of injury’s there are. You really need to consider the fact that there are some men out there who have the forethought to slightly injure themselves in order to avoid being asked to do any more DIY that year.