For my birthday this year I'd like a stupid midget, or an intellectually-challenged-person-of-reduced-verticality, if you insist on being “PC”. but you’ll only think it’s neither big nor clever.

Start them with a laugh and they’ll perceive it as comedy. That’s my philosophy anyway and it seems to be pretty much accurate so far in my life, having not gotten into a true fistfight since the age of 14 when i was challenged to a fight at school by a guy named Ian. As I remember it I'd said his friend Alan was a retard and he’d told me i was "going home in a fucking ambulance" but my memories are not clear on this at all.
I only remember hitting him as hard as I could and then hightailing it out of there like a rabbit with an arsefull of dynamite.

Since then I've found that you can say pretty much anything to anyone if you do it with a bit of comedy in it. But in my life comedy is more than an escape, it’s a fucking curse.
You may be laughing right now friend but I’m being sincere, the gift I have for making people laugh is a double edged sword. whenever I try to make my feelings known to someone I invariably throw in a little comedy and this detracts from the point I’m trying to make. For an example of this I must delve into the last week or two.

It all started when i went into work, as per usual, fully prepared for another episode of the sit-com that is my life, and found that there was a new girl working behind the bar.
She was (and still is) a vision of beauty that would make Aphrodite book herself a manicure, facial and full body tone at her local Greek beauticians.
I was bowled over and done what I always do when confronted by someone that I find attractive, I started to talk about whatever thoughts sprung to my mind. Luckily for me most of what comes out of my mouth is funny and she seemed to take it the right way. Then came her finishing time and i watched her leave with a sense of wonder in her eyes.
I later found out I was right about the look of wonder, as her sister told me that she was wondering who the lunatic guy that appeared for an hour and started to fill her head with strange images.

A few days later we were scheduled to be working together and I looked forward to it with a certain glee in my heart.

When that day finally came I was amazed at the amount that we have in common. Never before have I met someone so in tuned to my way of thinking. It’s frightening but not unwelcome. It’s a rare thing in fact and I truly believe that we have met for a reason. What the reason is i’m not sure yet.
The more I get to know this person the more I find small connections that join us. And although they are small connections they all conglomerate to make a larger connection.
I got the idea in my head that I should ask her out for a drink or a meal and what did I do? yup, you got it. I got drunk in order to pluck up the courage to ask her.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
Not only was I drunk(ish) but I couldn’t even do it properly. None of the sober “Listen, I think you’re a really special person and I’d like to get to know you better, How about going for a drink sometime?” It was more along the lines of “Can I get two more rum and cokes to help me pluck up some balls? and do you have any prunes? no? well in that case how about a date?”.

and yes I did use that line, I know, I know, shame upon my soul for that one.

So here I am in a hole so deep there's an Australian cop standing next to me asking if I have a permit to dig up the streets of Alice Springs.

But there is a happy(ish) ending to this story. I spoke to her later that week and she held no grudges against me for my feeble attempt at asking her if she’d like to go out with me.
In fact we were working together tonight and she let me know that I’m not totally a lost cause. Almost, but not quite.