"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now 'cos I smoked cigarettes. cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non smokers kicked the shit outta me. I tried to run, they were faster than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing."

"Tonight I'm drinking water. Isn't it weird how your life changes. Four years ago. Opium. Night and day man, Night and fucking day."

"I'm tired of this politically correct bullshit, I think we should hunt and kill politically correct people, I think we should eat them. They gotta have good flesh. They have too. They don't drink, They don't smoke, They jog. That's good eating."

"The fact that we live in a world where john lennon was murdered, yet barry manilow cun...tinues to put out albums. GOD DAMMIT. If you're gonna kill someone, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to kenny rodgers house. Get in the car I know where wham lives."

"I love talking about kennedy. it's my favorite subject. you know why? 'cos to me it's a great archetype example of how the totalitarian government, who rules this planet, partitions out information in such a way that we, the masses, are forced to base our conclusions on erroneous.... oh I'm sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this was the meeting at the docks. no? oh shit. that's tommorow night."

"you never see my attitude in the press, that's what bugs me. you never see my point of view. for instance, gays in the military. now, i dunno how y'all feel about it. here's how i feel about it. Anyone... DUMB ENOUGH to want to be in the military should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. i don't care how many push ups you can do, put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole we'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. you know i'm sick of hearing military guys saying "The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral.." Excuse me, aren't y'all hired fucking killers? SHUT UP! you are thugs and when we need you to go blow the fuck outta a nation of little brown people we'll let you know. until then... where do the fucking military get all these morals? "we are the military, is that a village of children and kids? where's the napalm? (explosion) i don't want any gay people hanging around me when i'm killing women and kids. i just dont wanna see it".

"i'm so tired of all this backslapping aren't-people-neat movement going on. Shut Up. Aren't people neat? Shut Up, Youre a virus in shoes."

"I used to love tripping, there was always one guy that wanted you to do something to enhance the trip. You're tripping? oh duude you gotta play minature golf."

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