Hyde: "I'm gonna write 'I hate the fuzz' on my ass."
Fez: "If you hate the fuzz on your ass so much, why don't you shave it off?"
Kelso: Yea well I have something to say. I went to the mall today and bought a new pair of shoes. And they're the coolest kicks in the cave.
Eric: So no more for Kelso he's toasted.
Fez: I would like some toast if you are making some. Food of any kind would be good. I am starving.
Kelso: Oh, nice try, Jackie, but the reverse psychology's not gonna work on me. My mind's too powerful.
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is 3 words, "I-don't-know." "Where are you going?", "I don't know." "What are you thinking?", "I don't know". "Who's that under you?", "I don't know." It's bullet-proof.
Kelso: I've heard of "kissing cousins", but have you ever heard of "doin' it cousins"?
Kelso: It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before. But when you're with a woman something chemical happens to her. Now Jackie's totally different, she's like my love slave. Oh yeah, I'm that good!
Kelso: Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
Donna: Empty pool, empty house, full keg. Sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Hyde: 2 girls driving around in a phallic RV handing out things you blow, what a great country. (about the Oscar Meyer Weenie Mobile)
Hyde: That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.
Hyde: The 3 true branches of government are military, corporate and Hollywood.
Hyde: You don't have to die to get to a better place, just drive 50 miles in any direction.
Hyde: Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner.
Hyde: I'm going to explain my feelings for you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry, Haiku. 'My heart aches with pain. When I see you I vomit. Die away from me'.
Hyde: Isn't it ironic that "titalating" has the word "tit" in it?
Hyde: It's not the devil man, it's the government. Yeah, the government puts backward messages in our music because they know rock & roll makes us horney!
Hyde: The establishment doesn't want us having sex. They know it makes us feel good, right? So if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So, every time we have sex, its a huge protest... I think I feel a huge protest coming on.
(While Stoned) Hyde: We should record our conversation so we can write it down, man. I bet that's how the writers of National Lampoon do it.
Kelso: Yea well I read somewhere that there are these people in France.
Hyde: What do they do?
Kelso: They're incredibly...French.
Eric: Oh thats it, I'm getting the tape recorder.
Fez: Where's my toast you idiots?
Eric: You know, I just don't know why my dad doesn't want me to work. I mean, yeah, I'm a real bad boy, Donna. My big teenage rebellion is to get a job. Ooh, you never know what I'm gonna do next. Oh my God, look out! He's got insurance!
Fez: Do something Eric , your father is taking all of the women away
Fez: Donna has 'stuff' for Eric, yes?
Hyde: Not 'stuff', 'thing'. Donna has a 'thing' for
Eric.(laughs) (to Donna)Why do you have a thing for
Eric?
Donna: Well he doesn't ask me stupid questions, he's smart and you know.
Hyde: No I don't know.
Fez raises his hand.
Fez: I know. It is because Eric is noble and a woman wants her first lovemaking to be in the arms of her mexican toast. Donna: Fez.
Fez: Yes? Donna: Go make popcorn.
Fez: Cake's good, but you can not have sex with cake.
Fez: An apple!?...wheres my candy you son of a bitch?
Fez: Everyday I am here with my heart on my sleeve, hoping for friendship. And acceptance. And what do I get? Abandonment. Loneliness. When is it Fez's turn? Where is MY whore?!
Fez: Curse your white man's winter!
Fez: I would've played but my frozen chickens couldn't fit through the slot.
Fez: Please don't touch each other; it gives me needs
Fez: (remarking on what the kiss record says when played backwards) In my language, that says 'I want to sex your monkey!'
Kelso: I am not pig whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?
Hyde: Are you kidding? 'Michael, call me at 8!'
Eric: 'Michael do your Chico impression!'
Fez: Michael rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
(silence)
Fez: Please someone else talk now.
Fez: (Right before Kelso punches him in the face) Could this have been avoided? Lets review: Jackie said I was funny, she ate popcorn from my groin, then I sucked her face...Nope, it was meant to be. Kelso: What's your point Fez?!
Fez: My point is, you are a whore
Fez: I was your secret squirrel you son of a bitch.
Fez: I would love to make love to an 80 year old. They must know everything, and not just about sex, but history and trivia too.
Fez: Why is everybody but Fez in love? If I dont get some romance soon I'm going to give myself a blister. Well, another blister.
Fez: God gave me a perm too, but he hit me below the belt.
Fez: My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee-deep in whores.
Fez: Not to worry Kelso, the puberty-bunny will visit you soon.
Fez: Kiss my brown ass.
Fez: Fez likes them big, Fez likes them small, Fez likes them all.
Fez: We are locked in a locker room... Oh, the irony is not lost on me.
Fez: Sometimes when I'm alone, I just like to cuddle.
Fez: "Why doesn't she just shoot him, its Texas, everyone has a gun."
Fez: "What did you wake up this morning and have Carnation Instant Bitch"
Fez: "These after school specials are thrilling. Who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?"
Fez: "Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?"