The Ricer

by Kyle Freise

So I'm minding my own business passing through Elgin on the freeway on computer related business when I suddenly hear from the road behind me, "PHHUUUEEERRT!, PHHHUUUUEEEERRRT!".  I questioned the sound aloud with the statement to myself, "What the hell?", while looking desperately in the rear view to find the source of the irritating noise.  After a few seconds I see this small black import zoom up between the busy traffic and get right behind the car that's behind me.  With no patience at all the driver of this import passes everyone by driving half on and half off the shoulder, igniting oil patches along the way with his moronically low ground effects.  As I see this car pass by on the right I notice a great many things...

For starters it's a Honda Civic with an enormous "Type R" decal along the side.  Ok let's start right there.  I highly doubt it is a Type R, the poser most likely modified a base model Civic to fool us into thinking it is some all mighty and cool formula one race car. Boy I was fooled at first, I must admit, because everyone knows that Honda Civics are built as race cars.  Corvettes?  Bah, those are built for families that go on Sunday picnics!

Back to the Civic:  I also notice that all the ground effects are painted yellow, as well as the windshield wipers, and the rims, and for god sakes who else knows what.  I've always wanted my car full of the same color as urine, gives it that extra pinch of eye appeal.  After the Honda starts to pull past me I see a HUGE blue wing made out of so called "space age" material to give the car that extra down-force it needs on those rear tires, but that doesn't matter considering it's front wheel drive.  And wreaking those rear struts by adding all that weight doesn't matter because this guy can replace them with his drug money (aka: pimpin' men).  Also, protruding from the very rear of the ground effects I see a coffee can attached to the exhaust system, which explains that annoying fart sound I heard...and to think it was that burrito I ate for breakfast!  By adding such an exhaust system to your own vehicle you too can hurt the compression of your engine, but that's ok because its wicked cool yo.

So as I see this cool mofo fly by me I think to myself how cool it would be to be getting all the imaginary women he gets in his phat ride, but then I realized that it actually would NOT be cool so I pull my car out of overdrive and slam on the gas to chase after him with true American power...