An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy,pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again, satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole fa there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him...Give him a fiver." The breakfast was my idea.
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6." replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
An Italian Love Story
An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy,pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again, satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him...Give him a fiver." The breakfast was my idea.
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when an irate blonde woman the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way?" "What does the color of a person's hair have to
do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our
full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general ...
and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little devil on your knee!"
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,
"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.
We at Fire or Ice thought that by putting together a few ‘dating’ jokes, we would thus prove our point that it is much easier to meet COMPATIBLE people on our website then attempting elsewhere. Fire or Ice… how to know BEFORE those awkward situations happen …
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Fire or Ice… Everything from friends to fetishes.
Fire or Ice… Everything from sexual encounters to soul mates
Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Good," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants
A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else
A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
ADS THAT WE PROMISE WON’T BE ON OUR WEBSITE (UNLESS ONE SOUNDS APPEALING TO YOU, IN THAT CASE, YES, IT IS ON OUR WEBSITE…)
Actual personal ads from actual newspapers across America …
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.
Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.
Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.
