It is with a humble heart that I write this message to all who have visited the Daemongrinder website in the months leading up to this moment in time:

Mark 13:13 “All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.”

These words spoken by Jesus in the Gospel of Mark felt all too true for me in recent months. My guard against temptations, especially self-absorption and hostility toward others, fell hard when my eyes drifted away from the only thing of real (and immeasurable) value in my life, my Lord: Jesus Christ.

As some of you may know, I am not only the sole member of Daemongrinder, but also the owner of the ultra-miniscule independent record label that released Daemongrinder’s debut CD-R. For nine years I had made Daemongrinder’s music my priority; never rushing the songwriting process, but rather waiting for the Lord’s inspiration and spiritual revelations to manifest itself in the music when the timing was right. With the impending completion of Daemongrinder’s Inhuman Acts of Brutality, I began shopping demos to labels, both Christian and secular, only to receive negative responses from the secular labels, and NO response from the Christian ones. This, to say the least, was disheartening.

One of my lifelong dreams has been to own my own little record label, and it appeared that now would be a perfect time to pursue it. Starting from nothing, I began putting all of my available monies into the label, spending countless hours everyday trying to promote the album on the internet, designing artwork, and thousands of other minute details that needed to be accomplished. The process became all consuming for me, and the guard against sin was weakened.

With the nonstop barrage of stress, working a conventional job, as well as starting a small business in my spare time, I began to look away from the real reason I had wanted to start the company: To get the CD, with the lyrics God had inspired me to write, in the hands of people who needed that particular message in their lives. Rather than focusing on the kingdom of heaven and waiting for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart, my eyes started focusing on how much debt I was accumulating by starting the business. I began questioning God’s role in both the business and in my life. The guard against sin became weaker still…

After a particularly bad review of Inhuman Acts of Brutality was posted at a Christian metal website, which will remain nameless, I was furious. I was angered mainly due to the review’s blatant disregard for actual facts. The guy’s opinion was just that, his opinion. I could accept that. When I saw that he didn’t even get my name correct in the review, printing ‘Jason’ instead of ‘James’, I was enraged. Rather than letting it go or constructively releasing the anger, I bottled it up until it became self-hatred. I began playing the victim of a cold and unforgiving cosmos. I began seeing God as sort of a vindictive puppet master. Self-absorption was eclipsing my love and faithfulness to Jesus that was once so strong in my life. I was a truly wretched human being.

As the months went on I began to openly mock and despise God, His will, and His creation. I hated myself and made no bones about it. Deep into debt, morally and Spiritually bankrupt, emotionally on edge, and physically exhausted, I was at my breaking point. I would literally pray everyday for God to just kill me and end this seemingly never-ending string of failure and disappointment in my life (which had been boiling just below the surface for decades.)

The prayers were almost answered…August 13, 2003

Riding as a passenger with a friend of mine and two of his neighbors in an extended cab pick-up truck, we were involved in a pretty gruesome wreck. As we turned left at a stoplight, a large passenger van hit the side of the truck we were in eighteen inches behind where I was sitting. Upon impact my head knocked out the small side window in the extended portion of the truck cab and I momentarily blacked out. Within that split second of unconsciousness I remember thinking, “Am I dead?” and a whispering voice reply, “Not yet.” Fortunately, no one was hurt, but rather unfortunately, this still did not serve as a wake-up call to me.

I spent about two weeks on a pendulum swinging between anger, that God did not end my internal anguish, and gratitude for not killing me. Lower and lower I sank into a confusing, depressive state, until August 29th, when after writing in my journal and opening up to God about my frustration and anger with Him, myself, and my life, I began to feel a sense of peace. I had cast my cares upon Him, and He was faithful to give me gladness for my despair (Isaiah 61:3).

Since then I have repented and have been allowing God to train my Spirit once more and bind up all of the hindering things of my life and self. As Isaiah 61 continues in verse 4:

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.”

You may be wondering about the reference to Mark 13:13 at the start of this letter, and the relevance to the testimony within. “All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved,” it is by God’s grace that it has been revealed to me that ALL men will hate you…this also includes one’s self! I hated myself (having been created in the image of God) because God’s light had exposed the darkness that I had created in my own life.

John 15:5

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

My life is a living testimony to the truth of John 15:5, Apart from the Lord I can do nothing. I have humbly come to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to ask the same forgiveness of you that I have asked of the Lord. If I have offended any of you or sinned against you, I apologize and ask your forgiveness. My prayer and honest hope is that in God’s perfect timing Daemongrinder’s music and Flaming Tomb Records will once again be seen as a viable instrument in spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ to you all.

God bless you all, and thank-you for your prayers and support during my time of Spiritual and emotional need. (Matthew 10:42 is for you!)

James Kline
Daemongrinder