Poison Ivy

Welcome to the Home of "Sexy" Steven Silver

Also, his lovely Valet......Poison Ivy

(Carl Crapper and his crew, meet up with “Sexy” Steven Silver and his first lady Ivy inside Cross Pointe Mall in Los Angeles, the location where the movie “Dawn of the Dead” was filmed…)

Carl /// Howdy there Silver….. Diamond said we were supposed to do an interview with you today…. Why in the heck did you want us to meet you in this place? This is as far away from Toronto as it could be… Does this have something to do with you facing Stitch and this is where that “Dead” movie was filmed?

(Steven and Ivy look at each other confused)

$teven --- Dude! Listen to me…. It’s bad enough that they send you out again to bug me for yet another “awesome”, which is my part…. and “crappy”, which is your part… interview. But honestly, I just decided to kill two birds with one stone today… Ivy needed to do some shopping and get some pictures developed…. So I figured you and the rest of your camera crew…. Yeah you guys the “crap-o-haulics”… can follow me around like vultures.

Carl /// Well do you have anything to say about your upcoming NHL Deathmatch?

$teven --- What did you just say? I wasn’t even listening to you earlier…. NHL? Hockey? Against an opponent like Stitch? Hmmmmmmmmm….

Carl /// Hold on…. I have her last promo on CD…

(Carl puts it in a laptop one of his camera crew carries with him…. Steven watches in amazement… he rubs his chin and both he and Ivy go over to a bench and sit down… it looks like she’s comforting him)

Ivy --- I know it Stevie…. I know….

$teven --- That f*cking Diamond! I don’t know why he won’t listen to anything I have to say….. I though I made things quite clear about my stand on this…. Stupid Prick!

Carl /// What’s your problem? Can’t handle a hardcore match?

(Steven gets in his face)

$teven --- You want your f*cking head ripped off!!! Keep it up “Meat”….

Carl /// Go easy Silver…. I am just trying to do my job here….

$teven --- Then do your job then…. Make sure you get every damn word I’m saying. First off… I don’t like fighting chicks. Sorry, it’s just how I was brought up. I could never see myself hitting a beauty like Aimz, gorgeous reporters like Veronica or Meadow, and even though I am quite curious Serenity… Crapper man, have you ever really taken a good look at that one? Kinda buff to be a chick aint she? I’d have to check the plumbing out to make sure before I make that call. Even Peachy Hip Guy kind of gives me the weird thoughts about wanting to kick his ass… God only knows what that Cat has going on…. Both upstairs or downstairs…. You know what Crapper…. If you really take a good look at his picture in the roster pages of media guide, then you take a good look at your own mug shot…. I swear you guys are twins…. Are you really the Hipster, dude? C’mon now don’t deny it…..

Carl /// Ewwwwwwww… I don’t look like that fool… Really? Do I?

$teven --- I think someone is holding out on us Ivy….

(in unison, Steven & Ivy break out in song… parody of “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred )

$teven --- “”” Carl’s too sexy for his shirt, so sexxxy it hurts “”” or some bullshit like that….

Carl /// Quit it right now, or I’ll shut this camera off! I’m telling the truth, it’s not me….

$teven --- Don’t get your peachy-panties all bunched up there hero…. Okay so you’re not him…. But think about it…. You two dressed up in the same outfit, both dressed up with your Halloween Zorro mask…. Forming GWL’s newest and coolest tag team… “The Crappy Peaches” or maybe the “Hip Crap Hop Connection”…. Maybe you guys can get some cool T-Shirts that have you Masked Marvels on the front… and on the back you can have a rear view shot of the “boys” with an open peach with the seed taken out where your butts should be…. Your motto on the back could read…. “It’s the PITS not being this damn HIP”….

Carl /// Are you done yet?

$teven --- Yeah I guess so… But I’m going to tell “Loudmouth Bass” to keep better tabs on you. To make sure you’re not diving into any phone booths to pop out like Superman or anything…. (a slight pause) Okay now I’m done…. Where was I?

Ivy --- About hitting a lady….

$teven --- Oh yeah…. Diamond signed me up in this funky match against Stitch…. I just can’t stand the idea of hitting a woman…. Wait a minute…. Is she a… wait… she’s not even supposed to be a human right? She’s a blood drinking zombie or something like that…. Am I right Crapper? Maybe there’s nothing morally wrong with hitting one of those…. I’ll have to check the Silver Rule Book on that one…. But I think this one can fit in like Texas Hold ‘Em…. When you’re at the table, don’t throw away your hand as long as you still got some “outs” available to you…. Maybe…..Maybe….. Possibly….. Maybe…. SCREW IT THEN!!!

Ivy --- What are you going to do baby?

$teven --- Looks like I’m going Vampire Hunting then….. I guess I need to get the right tools for the job then…..

Ivy --- Where are you going then? (Steven whispers for a while in her right ear… she’s smiling and giggling the whole time)

$teven --- Hop to it Sweetheart…. Go get me what we need…. (Ivy disappears with credit card in hand)

Carl /// So it’s a go then…. You and Stitch going to mix it up at this weeks turmoil….

$teven --- Yep boys and girls…. Come with me…..

(Steven and the crew enter Champs Sporting Goods, they walk over tho the Hockey equipment, as one of the store clerks come up to greet them)

Store Clerk /// Is there anything special I can help you guys with? Hey yo… Steven Silver… GWL extraordinaire….

$teven --- No butt-kissing necessary dude…. You’re going to get the commission on this sale…. Looking for hockey stuff….

Store Clerk /// Are you donating it to a group of kids? What size or how many?

$teven --- It’s for me bro…..

Store Clerk /// You looking to do some ice skating, street hockey, roller blades, you name it, we got it….. And if we don’t have it, we can get it…. Do you spend much time at the rink Mr. Silver?

$teven --- I think I’m going about this the wrong way….. You see… what’s your name tag say, Tony? Okay Tony…. I need something that’s going to do some damage…. I’m not interested in any shoulder pads, knee pads, not even a good jock strap and cup. (slight smirk) You don’t have quadruple XL anyhow….. Whoooooooooooo!

Carl /// Oh boy….. I’m curious as to what you’re going to buy here…..

$teven --- Tony, my friend, I need a weapon…. Something that’s definitely going to leave a permanent mark….. (he grabs an aluminum baseball bat) Something like this would do the trick…. But I doubt I can use this……

Store Clerk /// You want aluminum, we got aluminum hockey sticks….

$teven --- Have you ever seen “Happy Gilmore”? Can you hook me up with one of those golden putter hockey stick things? Now that would create some “Stitches”, don’t you think Carl?

Store Clerk /// Trust me Mr. Silver… This Easton brand of Aluminum sticks will crush anything it hits…. Especially teeth….

$teven --- How about fangs?

Store Clerk /// What?

$teven --- Nevermind buddy…. What else in hockey causes good damage?

Store Clerk /// Nothing really…. You got a net, goalie pads, a puck, sticks…. And some of these… the blades can cut your fingers off if your not careful (Steven takes one of the skates out of the box, checks it out, rubs his finger across like checking a knife, and throws it against the wall right by Carl Crapper’s head… the skate blade sinks deep into the drywall)

$teven --- I’ll take ‘Em…. And get me three of those sticks…. And what the hell… Toss in this aluminum bat for kicks…. Maybe I can sneak it in… Whatever………. Okay Carl… you can go to the bathroom and get the load out of your shorts….. then you and the gang meet me in the food court…. I got some more things I need to get off my chest…

(After about a hour…. Carl and the GWL camera crew catches back up with Silver and Ivy…. They are finishing up some lunch…. Both are dressed in different outfits…. Steven has a Boston Bruins jersey on, Ivy is wearing a red teddy with gold pointy things on her breast… she is wearing an oversized “cross” necklace and they both have a cloves of garlic necklace around their neck)

Carl //// I guess we’re up for some more of your Silver humor aren’t we?

$teven --- In a minute pal…. I’ve been sitting here thinking of a few things that I got to get off of my chest….. Speaking of chest take a good look at my Ivy…. With that cross and gold nips, she’s been signing Madonna autographs since we sat down here….

Carl /// That outfit is very becoming of you Ivy….

Ivy --- Why thank you Carl, you are very kind……

$teven --- And if you stare at the outfit any harder Crap-ster… you’ll “Be Coming” too…. (he takes the garlic necklace off and hands it to Ivy) Okay enough playing around here…. It’s time to get down to business…..

Carl /// Get the camera’s rolling…… Shoot….

$teven --- Nightshade, Crow, Acid Stone, and surely you can throw this freak-a-zoid Stitch into this mix…. What the hell has you maggots so freaked up in the melon? Let’s start with you Papa Smurf…. Nightshade, you want to start something with me? I’m not the kind of person you can talk shit about and just expect me to leave it be. You’re going to guarantee that this undead bloodsucker is going to beat me this weekend… That’s what was said right out of that bone smoking mouth of yours… You can call me “Sunshine” then… Because my glow is going to be the stake in the heart of that sorry misguided soul… I can see you’re interest in this match. It’s an Annihilator Contenders match… And you’re sorry ass is holding the belt with that name…. It doesn’t take “Night Goggles” to see what you want…. Does he want to face some 140lbs Bride of Chucky Cabbage Patch Kid, or does he want the beat down the newest GWL superstar is going to hand him? You doubt me Nightshade? Why don’t you ask Acid Stone about the Silver Skillz…. No one had heard a peep out of him since…. You got him chained in the dungeon so the kitty cat can lick his wounds or what….. Why don’t you grow a pair and help Stitch out…. I can already figure that you got a plan to help the bitch out…. Don’t worry…. I got my back covered if such an occasion should arise…. You’re claim to fame is for the DAMNED to spread FEAR and PAIN throughout the GWL….. The only thing I see you spreading is bullsh*t…. I’m not afraid of you or you’re whole disgruntled crew….. After I defeat this broad, you’re ass is mine…. I want a belt in this place…. I might as well start with YOURS…. It’s going right here! (he motions around his own waist)

Carl /// Okay you’ve heard from…. (Steven cuts him off)

$teven --- I’m not quite done yet….. Ivy just got back from the Mall’s Photo Department….. We thought we could get you to run these off and make a little book up for Stitch….. Since she’s supposed to be some undead creature of the night…. And no one knows much about her or her previous 100 lives or whatever she’s all about…. Here’s a few photos of what she could have been in a prior life…… Please look and enjoy….. and Crapper…. Make sure “Skank”…. I mean Stitch sees them….

(Steven hands Carl an envelope, Carl and the Camera crew stare at the following photo’s just laughing their asses off as this interview comes to a close)