It’s not the 50s. So why the hell are we still blindly following all of these bullshit God loves me bastards? The answer is simple; people are pussies. I want you religious folks reading this to pretend, if only for a moment, that your head is not up your ass. How on Earth can there be a God? If there is a God, why would bad shit happen? Yes, I can hear the uneducated mutterings in the message board coming as I type these very words (“Allen, it’s to prove someone’s faith, otherwise God might think people only like him because he does good things and blah blah blah.” Add a couple of “4 evers” and I think I have it). What would the difference be if people only loved God because he did good things anyways? You dipshits are the same fuckers who write country songs and sue for spilling coffee on yourself because you’re stupid. And if your God is so fucking powerful, why couldn’t he then just hard wire humans to believe in him? I’ll tell you why; because that would require common sense, something that is in short supply amongst Christians. In the words of Maddox, “That may be one of the best arguments I've ever made.”
Even the most basic elements of primordial religion can be dismissed with one glaring contradiction, that God and the Devil are actually allies of a sort. Here come more brain dead comments (“Duh, Allen, they are advurserees, 420 4 ever!”). I tell you what, if they are such great adversaries, then why does the devil do EXACTLY what God wants him to do. Take a step back and think about it. You were an asshole in life, you killed 40 babies and had 100+ illegitimate children, and to top it off, you get hit by a bus because you were taking a damn call on your cell phone because having it means you should talk EVERYWHERE YOU GO (still not over that one) and you die. You go and see St. Peter, and God won’t let your ass in heaven. He says, “Fuck you, you were an asshole, therefore you should be tortured in hell for all eternity!” Then the Devil tortures you. Did I miss something? If the Devil really hated God, then he’d make hell so kick ass that people wouldn’t want to go to heaven. He’d have free bacon and alcohol for everyone, and you could make fun of people who sucked, and prank phone call Moses. If I believed there was hell and it was like that, I would be the biggest sinner in the world. Yes!
I haven’t even mentioned in this entire article that there is absolutely no proof that God exists. Not only is it illogical, it is without precedent or evidence. I employ the famous Barney method here. It is more likely that Barney is a real dinosaur than that a God actually exists. Think, we know there were dinosaurs, and we’ve seen Barney before, haven’t we? Can you say that about your God?
Barney will probably now be some sort of Christian deity. They just don’t get it.