I want to start this one off by saying that while Levon is incapacitated in his ability to write for this site, I am going to start a new feature called Special Guest Column of the Fortnight. For those of you who don't know what a fortnight is, it's 2 weeks. If you don't know that then you don't deserve to be a guest writer anyway. How it's gonna work is every fortnight, anyone can e-mail me a column that they write (I will give 5 days to get them in) and I will choose the best one and post it and you will be immortalized in Bullshit Central history forever. So, the deadline is Sunday, May 11th for your columns.
Moving on, I was watching TV tonight when I saw a commercial for the newest "AWESOME, RADICAL, X-TREME TO THA MAX" snack product for kids which featured crazy 10 year olds doing impossible tricks on their skateboards while grabbing this brand new product out of the air and proceeding to enjoy it. This snack is called "Squeeze Stix" and is the newest in the line of snacks that come in a disposable plastic tube. Following on the success of "Go-Gurt" which was simply yogurt put into a tube (and not my grandma at a strip club), some company decided to capitalize on the craze and decided to put, of all things, PEANUT BUTTER into a tube. Who the hell wants to eat straight peanut butter? That's disgusting. I'll admit, I've been really baked and desperate for munchies so I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, but it was not very enjoyable and I would have rather eaten my hand. But now that it's in cool convenient tubes, kids will cry and whine for it at the grocery store while proceeding to annoy me to the point of rage until their parents give in to shut them up or crack them across the ass and make them scream even louder. If I was going to buy Squeeze Stix for one of my 20 illegitimate children, I would tell them that they couldn't eat it but instead had to smear it all over the toilets at school. That would be hella-cool. Wait, I'm still in school... *note to self: buy Squeeze Stix*. This reminds me of the Saturday Night Live fake commercial where they have people playing sports while the song "Love Hurts" by Nazareth plays and when they sit down all sweaty and tired they grab cookie dough in a Gatorade bottle and they call it "Cookie Dough Sport". Classic. But, that's fake. This is real. Peanut butter is in tubes, and people are buying it. And it probably equates out to about 1/10th of a jar of peanut butter but twice the price. Parents would be better off taking a jar of peanut butter and injecting it into a tube sock for their kid's lunch. Eat that shit you ungrateful fuckers.
Now that there is a trend with things being in tubes, it will no doubt cause an explosion of Prime Time Game Show and Reality TV proportions. So I'm going to try and predict the next things to be put in tubes that people will buy because it's "X-Treme!". Let's see...
Sour Cream: That's right kids, after a hard day of bullies and nose picking, you can come home and relax with a comic book and a tube of Coooooool Sour Cream. Just don't eat the stuff you find on your sister's bed sheets, that's not Cooooool Sour Cream.
Lemon Juice: Now what could be better than ripping into a tube of lemon juice that will make your mouth turn inside out. Delicious.
Ketchup: Kids love French fries. However, they are impossible to take in a lunchbox without them being all soggy and nasty. So why not just enjoy Freddie French Fries's side-kick, Kuwait Ketchup. Enjoy your favorite red tomato based sauce and get a geography lesson all in one.
Condoms: Now these are for you older kids ONLY. Screw unrolling them and getting your hands all full of lube. With Condom-In-A-Tube, just stick the soldier into the barracks, and remove the tube and POOF! Armored and ready.
Shit: This could be for all ages. With the new Turd Tube, kids that have no sense of what is disgusting can enjoy a fine turd for afternoon snack (also available in Nut-n-Corn Crunch). Teenagers can simply light the convenient tube on fire, ring doorbell, and run. No messy scooping and placing in a bag.
Boogers: Some kids pick their nose and eat it so much, they don't even realize they are doing it. This will make it easier on their bodies (fewer nose bleeds) when they can just suck mucus and boogers right out of a tube for ease of use AND hygiene.
Beer: Hey, can there ever be enough ways to enjoy beer?
Marijuana: Wait, they have these already, they're called joints.
Now, I'm sure there are many more things that could stand to be put in a tube and sold at a jacked-up price but not even I can think of all them. I have another point to make. Since when was it practical to put milk in a bag? Did I miss something? The only way to enjoy milk in a bag is to splatter it all over the freeway, otherwise what's the damn point?
People would pay $6.95 for me in a tube