You see them everywhere. In windows. In yards. On bumpers. On flags. On pins. I would be referring to those annoying "Support Our Troops" signs. Now I'm not saying I want our troops to die, as my cousin 1st Lieutenant Solon McGill USMC is fighting in Iraq, but what are people's problems back in the States? It seems as if everyone is succumbing to the pressure of bleeding red white and blue through a gaping gash in their rectum and putting up these signs. Everyone thinks they will be socially acceptable if they adorn their trailer park home with ribbons and cute little flags and "Support Our Troops" signs. Well guess what? You still suck. Then there are those who don't have them (a minority) who are given a nudge in the ribs as if to say "Hey, I've got my "Support Our Troops" sign. Where is yours?!? Aren't you an American?!?" You know what, assholes? Having a goddamn sign or two or ten in your front yard makes you no more of a patriot than I am. You are not a better American than me because I don't have a sign (as if I were trying to be a good American in the first place by not buying drugs that support terrorists).
Let's analyze these signs anyway. I'll start word for word. Support: Something you do to help out somebody that needs it (are they really in need? How long did the war last?). Our: Yours and mine (or, the U.S. Government's is more like it). Troops: Those people fighting for us (or President Bush's imperialistic ego, either or). So in literal terms, all of your silly flags and bumper stickers say "Help out the people that don't really need help so the U.S. government's 'freedom fighters' can stroke the president's giant boner for war even more." Do you really want to convey this message? Of course you do, because a bunch of innocent people in a tower died and you feel sorry for them so you want to litter our highways with your sympathy.
So with the signs analyzed, let's look at the context of them. I see a sign in a window that says "Support Our Troops". The context of it is you commanding me (albeit not politely) that I have to support our troops. What if I don't want to? So you are saying that if you put a sign in your window, you can sit on your fat ass and watch American Juniors while eating a tub of butter, all the while commanding me to "Support Our Troops" and you come off as a hardcore patriot. What is the end result? Lets see... I read your sign and ignored it while you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the way of supporting the troops in Iraq. Your sign basically says "Hey, go support our troops for me so I can be a fat slob and pretend I'm supporting them by buying a $2 sign." Patriot? Hell no. Putting a goddamn sign in your window does nothing in the way of helping our troops win a war that we already declared victory on you dicknose. So now that people are realizing that I'm right and all the signs and bumper stickers really have done nothing to help out the military except a pathetic attempt at making us less patriotic folk feel guilty, I've come up with the Top Ten Ways to Support Our Troops. All of them involve sending useful or pleasurable items to them (not any of the bullshit that we sent to them with the "Support Our Troops Drive" at school) to make their stay in Iraq better. Who wants e-greetings and phone cards when you can have these 10 items...
10. Paintball Gun: Oh, excuse me. The politically correct term for this item is a "Paintball Marker". It's NOT a gun kids, guns kill people. This has a couple of mischievous uses. What could be more fun than driving in your M1A1 Abrahms Tank down the dusty Iraqi streets and pegging an innocent Iraqi child with a paintball? He'll fall to the ground and scream to Allah to save his soul only to realize he has a mere small bruise and green stain on his rags. Funny shit. Another use is when a group of Iraqis surrender, line them up against a wall and make them think it's a firing squad only for them to hear something whizz by their head and splatter on the wall. Then make them clean out their underpants, they will need it.
9. A Whole Frozen Turkey: Ah, a homecooked meal. Sort of. Some of the troops may not know how to prepare the bird, so send along some information from Martha Stewart on the best way to cook it, and send a preview of her new book due out next year entitled "Me + Insider Trading Scandal = Jail (and how to make it pretty)"
8. America's 52 Most Wanted Cards: All of the troops have the Iraqi Most Wanted cards, so why not send them America's version. I mean, they are about as useful to the troops over there as the Iraqi ones are over here. I hear that they put Levon on the Jack of Clubs. On second thought, I think I saw Hamid Raja Shalah Al-Tikriti just yesterday at the Shell station...
7. Grass: The good old green stuff. With all that sand over there, you start to miss the green stuff. Some soldiers haven't had some since they joined the military. Others just stay up at night going through withdrawals from it, remembering the good old days. The good old days of rolling in it, smelling it until it made you sick, taking good care of it. There's also the occasional bagging of it and burning of it to follow. Of course I'm talking about the troops' lawns, what were you thinking?
6. Beef Jerky: I highly doubt the rations over there consist of beef jerky. I don't see why the hell not. Beef jerky has a half-life of 10,000 years. It won't spoil in those hot Iraqi climates. A diet without beef jerky is like peanut butter without lettuce. It's unbearable. A great philosopher once said "Beef jerky is the food of the mind, body, and soul. He who is without it, is without a life." Oh wait, that was me.
5. Hillary Clinton's New Book: The military doesn't go all out and get 50-ply quilted Charmin for its bathrooms, so this book is the next best thing. It's the supposed "Tell-all" book put out by Hillary Clinton. Just how is it tell-all? Does it tell the secrets of the cosmos? Does it tell where the actress that played Punky Brewster is now? Does it tell who actually let the dogs out? Fuck no.
4. A Prostitute: Hey, what else is there to do? Iraqi women are ugly and smell bad.
3. An Imaginary Gas Mask: This item is important for saving the troops' lives. It's their last line of defense when the Iraqi army unleashes all of their imaginary chemical and biological weapons that President Bush says they have. Don't wanna die by your lungs melting from the inside with imaginary mustard gas in imaginary warheads now do you? Can't Bushy imagine? He did do a lot of coke after all...
2. Prairie Dog: The dumbass "Give to the Troops" drive at school wanted us to give books and magazines and other things that relate to current events (which are probably sitting in boxes in a warehouse somewhere). So why not one-up the school and send something that actually is a current event. They're cute, they're cuddly, they carry Monkeypox. What better way to immerse yourself in current events than to become one? You too can catch Monkeypox from your cuddly little vermin while overseas. Who came up with the name Monkeypox anyway? What a dumbass. We are seriously running out of imaginative names for diseases. SARS was decent, but this one is a pile of donkey puke.
1. Support Our Troops Sign: Confuse the fuck out of our very own (government's) troops by ordering them to support themselves. How will they do that? Who cares! As long as you write your name and address in really big writing, they will know who the hardcore patriot is that sent them this wonderful gift. Then you can sit on your cozy leather sofa with the satisfaction of knowing that you just helped our country in no way, shape, or form (although it seems like you did to everyone else).
People now have a boner for war