It was a typical day today. I fought grizzly bears, rabid racoons, and homosexual construction workers on the way up the trail to school. I walked in late as usual as the halls were emptying. Then Vice Principal Nutjob came over the PA system saying something about "Russian Small Business Owners" visiting our school today. I was immediately thrown into a sense of panic. This HAS to be the rivival of communism in Russia and it's starting right here in Wisconsin. When these Russians claim to be "Small Business Owners" they fool us all because they are actually the elite Russian Mafia. I begin to think of what they might want with our school. I know, they are our to stop the local drug trade so they can take it over. Realizing that me and my comrades participate in the local drug trade I begin to fear for us. The Russian Mafia is after us. I just need to think of a way to stop it. I begin to focus all of my attention on stopping these Commies without me and my friends getting knocked off. Classes become secondary (the way they should be anyway) and I plot my scheme. I was sitting in computer programming making a program that simply made the screen say "SMOKE WEED" repeatedly (yes, this was part of my scheme) when it suddenly gets loud and all the Russians bust in. They attempt to hack into our programs and steal our databases to use against us in their plot for world domination. A bald one with a video camera tries to rape my "SMOKE WEED" program but I will not let this happen. I grab his video camera and begin to strangle him with the strap until he turns blue and his head explodes sending communist brains all over the wall. He got his fucking brains all over my Metallica shirt so I was angered by this so I pissed on his corpse. Realizing that I wasnt to be messsed with (and realizing that anything we do in Programming class is complete bullshit and can't be used to take over the world) the Russians flee. Me - 1. Russians - 0.
The day goes on and it's lunch time. I see the Russians by the front doors taking pictures of each of them playing with themselves in their expensive Mafia suits. One of them has a brief case. I realize that it HAS to be explosives and they plan to destroy America's youth (and more specifically we, the druggies) in a glorious explosion. Thinking quickly, i grab my soy burger and fling it across the entire lenghth of the cafeteria hitting the briefcase into the air. I sprinted over and caught it but with most explosives, they don't like a lot of jostling so it started to go crazy. I ran outside and tossed it into a safe place for it to explode which happened to be the playground of the elementary school. Oh well, little kids piss me off. At this point, the Russians retreat back to their base to regroup because I kick ass.
With the Russian invasion out of our school, the rest of the day was pointless as usual. But I knew I had to stop the Russians after school or all my efforts would be for nothing. Knowing I couldnt take out their secret base alone, I knew I needed a qualified partner. So I enlisted the help of Secret Agent Girl Next To My Locker. She would help me put a stop to this Russian Mafia Revolution. My sources told me that the Russian base was located at the Amber Inn, a little shithole mom and pop restaurant down the road from my house. Me and Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker would go there by cover of night. I would infiltrate the base and create a diversion while Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker planted explosives on the roof. We arrived there in style in my Secret Agent Firebird except I hit the mailbox on the way in and Russian spy mail flew everywhere. Eh. So I boosted Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker on the roof with the C4. I busted down the door and started yelling "Lenin likes men" but I didnt see anyone. Then I got whapped upside the head with a frying pan by your typical monstrous Russian wench. She messed up my hair so I threw her in the deep fryer. Then all the henchmen came out of the back and I started donkey punching their commie-asses left and right until they were all on the ground sobbing. Following that, the mob boss stepped out of the back all big and bad and he had something to say. "It's time I showed you who we truly are!" He belted out in a horrible Russian accent. With that, he pulled off his mask to reveal... HE'S A MEXICAN! What the fuck! Ok now im pissed... suddenly a fat mamacita jumps on me and tries to snap my neck with her legs but i just powerbombed her through the pool table, although I had to pause to vomit from the refried bean/ fishy smell that emanated from her crotch. So I looked around the room and realized that I actually was surrounded by beaners and paused again to compliment myself for beating more spics than Texas border patrol. But I had to deal with the mob boss who had begun to shoot me with salsa and guacamole. I picked up a pool stick and began to wave it around my head like a ninja and I sent it twirling right into his greasy forehead. He began to laugh and the wall opened up to reveal that Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker had been captured and was dangling over a pit of Chihuahuas. I had to think quickly. I unscrewed the tops of a salt and pepper shaker (they were sharp and rusty as the Amber Inn seems to enjoy) I hurled one at the mob boss and one at the rope holding Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker freeing her and making the mob boss's insides flow out onto the floor. We were clear to set off the C4 explosives but I had unfinished business. I chucked an M-80 in the Chihuahua pit just to see the little fuckers get blown to bits (the meat was later shipped off to Taco Bell). Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker set the timer and we escaped in the mob boss's Low Rider El Camino (pretend that we didnt drive my car there) after I hotwired it, and me and Secret Agent Girl Next to My Locker rode off into the night having ridded the world of 1/100,000,000,000th of its Beaners.
God damn, I hate Mexicans