I do not understand "Reality TV" and why people watch this. It's absolute garbage. And what makes it reality? Absolutely nothing. The network execs think that not having a script makes something a copy of real life. Just put a camera on a bunch of idiots and tell them they are going to be on TV and sure... of course they will act like they always do. If you watch Reality TV shows, kindly give yourself a full frontal lobotomy. You will find that you feel the exact same, a mindless vegetable. Ok, I know there are a lot of stupid people out there (and that is an understatement) and they will keep giving these bullshit shows high ratings. So getting rid of the shows completely is about as realistic as the shows themselves. So this is what I'm going to do: List a few of the shows and tell you how they could be improved to be at least watchable and not mindless.
The Mole: This one is pretty high up there on the stupid scale. Several morons do crazy competitions (which always happens in real life) and there is one person in the group that is 'The Mole' that tries to sabotage the contestants. There was also a Celebrity Mole in Hawaii that had the same as above but with celebrities. Ooooh, exciting. I can think of only one way to make this one better. Get some moron off the street to be the mole. Send him in to join the MAFIA and feed out secret information and offer him a shitload of money for doing it. Then, once the audience starts getting sick of the show, rat him out to the MAFIA and watch him get the old "Cement Shoe Treatment" and get his ass sent to the bottom of a lake. Now that's entertainment right there. The world could use less dumbasses that would do stupid things for money anyway.
Celebrity Boxing: The idea behind this one is to find washed up TV and other media stars to get in a ring, put on boxing gloves, and beat the shit out of each other. A decent concept. The only problem is that after the fight is over we are still left with 2 washed up stars. Does anybody really want them around anymore? Hell no. That's the reason they are washed up. So what we need for this show is an all-out fight to the death. Instead of gloves, give them chainsaws and ninja swords and shit. Let them mutilate the fuck out of each other until one or both of them dies. And if they both don't die, give one a Viagra endorsement deal or something. That's about as good as death.
The Real World: I don't know who came up with a title for this show. I've seen maybe 2 minutes of this show in my lifetime and that was enough. I guess they stick a bunch of preppy idiots in a house, pepper in some minorities so they don't offend anyone, and let them live. Ok, where in there does the 'Real' part come in? They go to bars, get wasted, cheat on each other, then cry when the show is over. How can this have been a show for many years and people still have interest in it? What needs to be done is change the name the 'The Real World of Suicide Bombers'. What they do is train a bunch of suicide bombers and show it on TV. Then, at the end of the season, they see who can get to MTV studios the fastest and blow themselves to pieces. That's right MTV, die.
Meet My Folks: Are there really people out there that can't score a date that they need to rely on a reality show to get one? Oh wait, this one involves their parents too! The parents of the loser on the show judge the girls that want this guy (for some odd reason, *cough* fame *cough*) and pick one at the end of the show to date him. WHAT? That is the last thing in the world I would want involved in my love life is my parents. Much less picking who I'm going to date because my parents are losers and have no sense of what makes a good girl. So this one needs to be warmly changed to 'Eat My Folks'. In this show, the parents don't actually know what happens at the end. The weiner of a son brings in the 3 fattest bitches he can find. The parents put them on a vigorous exercise program for 12 hours straight and yell fat jokes at her. At this point the bitch has lost some of her girthy figure and is incredibly hungry. Then the NBC executives lock the door and tell the bitch it's ok to eat the guy's parents, then she gets a date with him. On second thought, I still wouldn't watch this show because of the whole fat chick thing.
Who Wants to Marry My Mom?: Yes, this is an actual show (not out yet). In fact, it's a spin-off of 'Meet My Folks'. This time, it's the kid picking out the guy who is going to go on a date with his mom. I have a slight problem with this. Sure, one date is harmless. But what if she gets along with the guy really really well? Do you really want to be responsible for picking out the guy that's going to be sticking it to your mom until she's 89? That's just sick.
American Idol: This show pisses me off a lot. Do we really need more stupid pop stars? All the butt-packing boy groups are starting solo projects, a new female singer comes out every day, where will it end? It won't end with this fucking show on the air. What ever happened to that bitch that won the first one? She's probably on the streets giving hand jobs for crack right now. The only thing good about this show is that Simon guy. If you suck, he's going to tell you that you suck. People that don't sugar coat things kick ass. The problem is, they all suck and if he told all of them that there would be no show. What this show needs is for Simon to take over. Fuck Paula Abdul and that fat black guy. Simon should sit at a Mr. Burns-like desk with a red button behind it. All the wanna-be Idols come in and audition in front of him and if they suck, he pushes the red button and the trap door opens and they fall through tubes down to China and land in the middle of a poker table. Kick ass.
The Real Beverly Hillbillies: You may have not heard of this one yet. That's because it isn't out yet. But it will be. The concept of the show is to find a redneck hick family and move them to Beverly Hills for a year and see all the crazy crap that goes on. This idea was taken from the hit 60's TV show. The thing about this is that it rewards the rednecks for being rednecks and gives them fame and fortune. I think it would be much better if we did the opposite. Let's kidnap a pompous rich snob family in the middle of the night and drag them to backwoods Alabama. Then, throw them in a shack with nothing but pickled squirrel meat to eat and a front porch that falls apart when you step on it. How would you like that, you snobby brats? As an added bonus, every month one of the kids has to wrestle an alligator. That would be cool.
Chains of Love: This is the show where a guy has 4 bitches chained to him and he kicks them out one by one. All this show really needs is no kicking the girls out, a lot of booze, and a "Mature Rating" disclaimer at the beginning. You imagine the rest...
Gangstaz: Ok, this isn't actually a show, I made it up. But hear me out. Take 10 members from each of the biggest rival gangs (Crips and Bloods) in the country and fence off a 10 city block area. Then, in each episode, provide them with a more powerful weapon than they had on the previous episode and see which gang is alive at the end of the season. The weapon order would go like this: Day 1: Brass Knuckles. Day 2: Switchblades. Day 3: 9 MM handguns. Day 4: Sawed-off Shotguns. Day 5: Old folks day (Take all the previous weapons and beat old people with them) Day 6: Potato Cannons (Hey, I'm sure they could kill somebody) and so on...
The winner of this competition would get to take an AK-47 into a donut shop and waste all the pigs, and would have jail immunity for a month (Hey, it's a long time in the gang world).
Survivor: This is the one that spawned all of the modern reality shows. Everyone was talking about how great survivor was and all of a sudden reality TV was the cool thing to do. Seriously, how entertaining is this? A fat 43 year old gay guy won the first Survivor. Who wants to see that? It's supposed to be like what it would be if a bunch of people got stranded on an island. Yeah, I'm sure that if some of them were dying and couldn't go on anymore they wouldn't give them a sandwich or something to avoid a wrongful death lawsuit. I have a great way to make this one better. Make it a free-for-all and not allow the eating of bugs or rodents because that's just wrong. Instead, give everyone a pointy spear and let them eat each other. A bunch of cannibals running around on an island competing for a lot of money would be entertaining. They could also provide the competitors with a black cauldron or a spit to cook their victims with, although some might just eat their opponent raw.
The Anna Nicole Show: This show is fucking disgusting. Anyone who watches this is a sick and deranged pervert. If you are entertained by watching that fat pig of a woman walk around and be a dumb ass, there is something seriously wrong with you. How in the hell was she ever in Playboy? It must have been the beached whale edition. She is so fucking gross. Not to mention she has no brain whatsoever. When she heard people talking about how funny her show was she got offended and said that it wasn't meant to be funny. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WATCH IT FOR?!? They sure don't watch it to see how they would dream of living if they were a grotesque brainless sow. However, I don't find it funny at all. To watch that blonde cow make out with other women and talk to naked guys isn't what I would consider funny. That is what I would consider pure garbage regurgitated 10 times by a camel with Ebola. The way to make this show better is to have an episode where she marries Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars (although it would be difficult to tell them apart) and they are taken on a plane ride and pushed out over the ocean somewhere. A world without Anna Nicole Smith is a better world for everyone.
Joe Millionaire: Now this is a show you can hang your hat on. Whatever that means. But really, this is the most tasteful show in the Reality genre. In case you don't know, FOX told about 20 hoes that they would be on a TV show and be taken to some mansion in France and try to win the heart of "Joe Millionaire" who had just inherited a shitload of money. The gag is on them though, because Joe is actually a construction worker that makes $19,000 a year. HAHA, that's awesome. The bitches know none of it throughout the show. Once Joe picks his mate, he reveals the secret. The reason I love this is because it makes all these money grubbing hoes look stupid and prove that they just want someone's money in a marriage. This is a great joke to play and if the bitch leaves Joe after she finds out, then she can truly be labeled as a trashy superficial hoe. I never actually watched this show but I love the idea. Hats off to you Joe Millionaire (ah, that's why I can hang my hat on it).
The Osbournes: Is this one funny? Yes it is. But I don't like this one for moral reasons. The day I heard Crazy Train on KISS FM (local rap and pop station) I almost shot a baby bunny's brains out. This should just not happen. The Osbournes made Ozzy WAY too main stream and everyone makes fun of his condition where he can't talk. How about you all do coke for 30 years and see how you act? I would find that pretty funny. Oh, and then we could invade your house and video tape your shit family for 9 months. That would be funny too. Congratulations, everyone is making fun of you and your family for entertainment. What a life you have.
The Amazing Race: This is one where teams of 2 people do what they can to race around the world and win a big cash prize. They use hot air balloons, trains, canoes, and other assorted shit. BORING. What would really be an amazing race would take place in a ghetto in Mexico. What we do is place a nice Burrito Supreme on a table. Then, we line up 50 homeless Mexicans and fire off a gun and the first 'Can to reach the burrito gets to eat it. But it will probably be close and there will probably be an all out spic brawl and result in the burrito being ripped to shreds. Hell yeah.
People have realized that reality TV sucks.