My grievance with modern-day radio goes much deeper than the bands themselves. The radio stations have played their part in this debauchery as well. For one, they have become so blind with monetary greed that they will stop at nothing to rake in the listeners. Whether it's trying to present a 'badass' image, hiring the most 'cutting edge' dipshit male DJ, or sending a crackhead team of whores to their promotional events, radio stations are cheapening music on a daily basis.
The root of the problem is faceless corporations (who now own 90% of stations) that care more about the almighty dollar than the actual music they play. They force shitty bands down our throats because they are "hott" and "buzzworthy" and that's what your average half-wit is looking for. The heads of these megaturd corporations create "playlists" for their stations which ensure that we hear the same nauseating song every hour on the hour so it becomes engrained on our brains. Once the song feeds on our brains like a mental parasite, we are supposed to go out and drop $18 on a CD just for the said song, all-the-while the corporate presidents are sitting back going "ka-ching!!!" Good job you idiots, you've been manipulated.
Back in the 70's this wasn't a problem. DJ's were allowed to put their own personal touch on what you heard. The listener trusted the DJ to play something that was cool and made you trip your fuckin nuts off. They wouldn't play the same radio single song all the time. They would select less well-known songs they thought were the shit and usually they were. If buying CD's has taught me anything, it's that the best songs weren't the ones being played on the radio.
To get a good idea of what is being forced upon us, take a look at the Billboard Top 5 Albums for The week of May 8th, 2005. It's littered with musical defecation in its purest, most liquefied form:
#1. Rob Thomas: ... Something to Be
Rob Thomas is the former front-man for the alternative rock shit-fest Matchbox 20. This album is listed as the "Hot-Shot Debut" on the chart, no doubt meaning it will go platinum/gold/uranium at some point in the near future. This listing shows that the individual and his image has become more important than the band and music they play. Thomas was successful with his alternative-rockin Matchbox 20 mates, but why stop there? The people wanted more Rob than they could handle so he sold out and went solo. If this trend continues, we might end up with Gwen Stefani of No Doubt singing about bananas or something. Oh wait...
#2. Mariah Carey: The Emancipation of Mimi
Whoa, here's a surprise. I thought Mariah Carey died in a gutter somewhere after she was popular in the Mid-90's. But I guess the new generation of teenage girls don't realize she's not cool anymore so she put out a new album. I don't know who Mimi is or why she's being emancipated but it sure sounds scary to me. Maybe Mimi is Carey's bloated 40-something alter-ego coming out. A look at the near future?
#3: Mike Jones: Who is Mike Jones?
I have to give credit to Mike Jones here because he named his album the exact thing I thought when I saw his name on the list. I have no idea who he is, what any of his songs are, or what he looks like. In fact, the only thing I know about him is his credit card number. What kind of name for a rap star is Mike Jones anyway? If he can't come up with a better name than that, his lyrics must be atrocious. Seriously, those are the 2 most common names in America and he combined them into one shitty package of lame. If any of his homies ever read this and send me e-threats saying "Mike Jones wants you dead, sucka" I'll just laugh because of the severe lack of intimidation his name creates.
#4: Ill Divo: Ill Divo
Here's another band that I've never heard of. I'm too lazy to research them so I'll take the safe route and assume they're a cheap Spanish knock-off of the 80's band Devo. Whip it good, chicos.
#5: 50 Cent: Massacre
Everyone's favorite walking bullet wound is back with his latest effort entitled "Massacre". It was no doubt named for what Ol' Fitty does in his spare time on weekends: Massacre people. He's such a gangsta that he kills people in between killing people. And this album reflects that with the chilling hit single "Candy Shop". When he says "I'll take you to the candy shop, boy one taste of what I got, I'll have you spending all you got, keep going 'til you hit the spot," you can tell he's a badass killing machine.
If the artists and playlists weren't bad enough, the stations go even further to make their money. One way of doing this is by creatively trimming songs down to make them shorter. The station will edit songs by cutting out an entire part of them, usually the best part of the song, so there is more time for commercials. It's usually piss-poorly done, too. A song will all of a sudden skip to a part that doens't seem like it should be there, making it even worse to listen to. I've even heard them do it to a LIVE Metallica song. It's one thing to cut a part out of a studio recorded song but a live song is a moment in time that begs not to be edited. God dammit.
A new tactic radio stations are using to "reward" their listeners is the "rock block". These rock blocks are supposed to be commercial-free, uninterrupted blocks of music. They even cleverly associate the duration of them with their station call sign (i.e. Lazer 103's 103 minute rock block). So these rock blocks should be great for the listener, right? No commercials, no talking, just music right? Nope. After every second song there is a pointless recorded promo spouted out to remind you which station you're listening to in case you can't see your radio from the driver's seat: "You're stuck inside a 103 minute rock block that will rock your block because we're the rockinest pure rock station to ever rock your face! Nobody rocks like PURE ROCK, Lazer 103. ROCK!!!". These promos essentially trim at least 20% off of the duration of the block, combined with the short interludes of the DJ announcing which debacle is next it can turn a 103 minute rock block into a 72 minute marathon of suck. And just what happens at the end of the block? A 10 minute commercial break! So basically we've experienced everything we would have over the course of 113 minutes, they've just told you it's something special. And don't think about switching to a different station during commercials kids, because Johnnie Corporate Radio is onto you. The stations line up their commercial breaks so they are all on commercial at once leaving the listener completely musicless.
Lately I have been hearing endless promos on a certain Madison-based radio station that states something to the effect of: "Rules? We don't care for rules! We're such a hardcore station that we do whatever we want and don't look back just to impress you, the listener! Because you're hardcore just like us!!!" Is that so? If you're so devoid of rules then how come every song that says 'god dammit' or 'followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits' has that part conveniently cut out? Oh that's right, the FCC is all over your ass if you make the slightest wrong move. Where's your lawless attitude now WJJO? Not even the black guy with the really deep voice that does your radio promos can help your badass image now.
Ah, yes, the FCC, my least favorite public servant. Sure, they stand for a good cause: Making sure children (or anyone) don't hear anything vulgar in the media because it might warp them irreparably. But in the end, what they are trying to do is futile and ridiculous. It's futile because children are going to see and hear things that they shouldn't no matter how your try to shelter them (unless you lock your kid in the closet for 11 years like that one couple). It's ridiculous because of the retarded standards they use in their censorship. Radio DJ's are allowed to say "ass" at will but when they try to say "asshole" it comes out "ass****". Huh? It just doesn't make sense when you can say bitch, gay, homo and boobs when you can't say fag, tits, sucks or balls. Even if bleeping words WERE consistent, it's still inane because EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ANYWAY. It's so easy to identify what dirty word was implied that we're basically hearing it anyway. What's the difference between hearing it in your head and hearing it come from a DJ? In case you don't believe me, let's play FCC Match-em. I'll list a lyric line and you try to guess what censored word fits.
"____ all you druggies and ____ your short memories." (same word)
"I'm the man in the box, buried in my ____"
"They say music can alter moods and talk to you, but can it ____ a gun for you and ____ it too?"
"If there's one thing I know, _______ they come they go"
"Smoke ____ every day!"
Words:
A. Bitches
B. Shit
C. Weed
D. Cock
E. Fuck
F. Load
There you have it. I hope everyone enjoyed FCC Match-em. In case you were wondering, the answers were E, B, F and D, A, C. If your score was 6, congratulations, you have no discernible knowledge that the common man would not possess. If you scored less than 6, apparently the FCC has been doing its job, or coming out of the closet for you will mean so much more than admitting to faggotry.
6 year-olds have heard 50 vulgar words from me for every 1 the FCC prevented them from hearing.