The Column SHS Administration Didn't Want You to Read

2 Months. That is the time that went by from the time I wrote this column until the time I finally said fuck it and decided to not attempt to submit this column to the Nite Crier again. 2 issues. That's how many issues I got fucked out of it being in. The latter issue was the biggest atrocity. School administration deemed my column "more of a philosophy and an attack than an opinion" and "not something you would find in a school newspaper." If you don't think they are full of feces now, just wait until you read it. Opinion or not? You be the judge...

I’ve Got Your Profanity Right Here

“@#$& you, you @#$&ing @#$&!” This is a somewhat common phrase that graces the halls of Slinger High School every now and then. To some, this is a common way of saying “hello” to your best of friends. To some, this is a nice insulting deathblow to their arch enemy. To others, this is a vile, disgusting, and offensive phrase. To the school handbook that I’m sure we all have memorized by now, this is grounds for a one-way trip to a free day off of school. By means of suspension that is (so you can sit at home and swear at the wall). So with so much inconsistency in the views on this issue, I will answer the question that everyone is no doubt dying to know the answer to. What does Charlie think about this?

            I will return that with a question of my own. What are words? If Mr. Gundrum has taught me anything other than how to hit my head on the ceiling, it’s that words are sound waves. Vibrations in the air. So why are some of these vibrations such a big deal to some of those around us? I use these “vulgarities” regularly but don’t notice it because they are just second-nature to me. They are the same to me as the words “Qatar” and “colonoscopy.” I have no problems whatsoever with others using these words freely because they are simply words, and as the old adage states, “words will never hurt me”, right?

            All of the Slinger teachers are supposed to follow our one uniform code set up in the school handbook, but profanity is where the most discrepancy lies. Some teachers will use profanity along with their students because they feel the same as I do. Some teachers only care about it depending on their mood or time of day, it seems. Others throw a fit when the slightest cuss word is uttered. If the same policy applied to our rule on fireworks, some teachers would bring in their own fireworks and blow things up all class period, some would sit back and watch the show if they were feeling particularly lazy one day, and some would bust out the ol’ paddle on the guilty pyro and whack away. I myself would LOVE to bring fireworks to school and use them as much as I use my arsenal of obscenities, but it’s simply not going to happen. Mr. Erickson himself admitted to me once after yelling at me for doing some random act of immaturity at lunchtime, that he lets the lunch periods be a little more free-form because it’s our leisure time and he pretends not to hear some things that are said at the tables. Call me wrong, but I think the rules of our school are meant to be followed all the time, not just when the faculty feels like enforcing them. Not that I’m complaining about it.

But really, if people would use profane words in the place of the standard eight “um, like…” phrases in their sentences, I would be a happy camper. That’s not an exaggeration either. I’ve sat in class how counted how many times someone said “like” in a response and the highest total thus far was 8. English teachers should be embracing profane words due to their unprecedented dynamics. How many words in our language can be used as an adjective, noun, verb, interrogative, conjunction, etc…? Now that’s what I call magical words.

            This brings me to you people that get all uptight when they hear a few “naughty words” flying around. I don’t like you. You are the people that think they are better than everyone because they choose not to swear. You are the kind with a penchant for snapping, “WHY DO YOU NEED TO TALK LIKE THAT!?!?!” You know what? Shut up. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m better or more “with it” than others because I choose to speak with obscenities. It’s just a natural part of my vocabulary. You need to learn a valuable lesson in life that not everyone will conform to your every demand so deal with it. If you were raised to believe that the “F” word will lead you down the merry path to eternal damnation, so be it. But don’t push your beliefs onto others. If I was raised to get offended when I heard the word “xylophone”, I probably would do the same thing. But think about it, me getting offended by xylophone makes about as much sense as you freaking out about the “F-Bomb.” They are both just words, who cares?

I don’t understand why it’s perfectly acceptable for people to have a panic attack and yell at a fellow student for using a profane word, but I can’t express displeasure towards what I’m offended by. I’m not offended by much at all, but what really gets my goat is sheer stupidity. If one of the various airheads in several of my classes said something downright moronic and I said “I hope you never speak again, you incredible idiot! I’m truly offended by your lack of any IQ whatsoever, and I’m ashamed to be a part of the same species as you!” I would most definitely be reprimanded and shunned by others. This is really no different than getting all worked up over a dirty word but there is a double standard there that can’t be broken.

            I think I’ve said enough here. If you care to read more truly awful opinions of mine, or you despise me now and want to leave me some hate mail, check out my website at www.angelfire.com/extreme4/bscentral/main.html.