"Whoa, it's the Cat in the Hat!!! LOOK! He's eating at Burger King! LOOK! He's drinking Mountain Dew! LOOK! He's on condoms! LOOK! He's kidnapping out children! I have a great idea, let's go see the movie!!!"
That quote seems to be coming out of your typical American who's life is run by advertising lately. There's an incredible hype surrounding The Cat in the Hat movie and an extensive marketing campaign has been launched to make sure that each and every American citizen and perhaps some of the illegal aliens sees the movie. I for one am sick of "blockbuster" movies trying to force merchandise and advertising partnerships upon us to brainwash us into thinking that their movie is actually good. I haven't seen The Cat in the Hat but all this advertising is beginning to piss me off. I'm just assuming that it's steaming dog shit because just about all of the blockbuster movies are. Has anyone seen Star Wars: Episode I? Enough said.
This type of market flooding was done over the summer a lot, as it classically is, by the release of The Hulk movie. During that time, companies decided that all of their products should be colored green for fear of not being dragged into the mess that was The Hulk movie. There was also a flood of novelty bullshit that people mindlessly bought anyway. A good example of this is "Hulk Hands":
What the fuck are you supposed to do with those other than look like an un-proportional ass-rammer? You can tell by the expression on this kid's face that wearing the Hulk Hands gives him a certain kind of arousal that isn't typical for his age group. Parents should really research things before they buy them for their kids. Another marketing item that is synonymous with blockbuster super hero movies is the animated version. These animated versions are a pile of cartoon vomit meant to capitalize on the movie craze. They release them while the actual movie is still in theaters so that half-wits will go to the video store and rent them thinking it's the actual movie. This is how such garbage succeeds. Really people, how do you NOT know that a movie doesn't come out for rent for at least half a year after it's in theaters. Your ignorance is appalling. Then there's the soundtrack. There are only 2 kinds of soundtracks. Ones that have an amazing array of kick-ass bands (as in The Crow Soundtrack). Then there are the ones that have one marquee band that plays the theme song plus 25 tracks of no-name cesspool music. The Hulk soundtrack was the latter type. It featured the debut of the super-group called Velvet Revolver playing the Hulk's theme song, "Set Me Free". Velvet Revolver is basically Guns n' Roses minus Axl Rose and plus Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots). After the initial shock of realizing that Weiland would have to have been out of jail/rehab/death row to record anything, I decided to give them a marginal chance. Once I heard the theme, I stuffed my ears full of buzzing hornets in hopes that they would generate enough sound to allow me to never have to hear "Set Me Free" again. Considering how hornets have their own free will, I kept them in there surprisingly long but in the end they deserted me. To counter that, I've just been abstaining from listening to any shitty radio station that would play that song and it's worked out exceptionally well.
Moving on, I honestly believe that all of the Marketing people for these movies should actually write the movies too. You see, the Marketing people actually have IDEAS whereas the script writers seemed to be up shit creek. He doesn't even turn into The Hulk until halfway through the fucking movie. Didn't they realize that people wanted to go to the movie and within the first 20 minutes see the Hulk rip peoples heads off and punt them, eat a helicopter and shit it out onto a bunch of tanks, then rape a whole school full of Catholic schoolgirls? Damn, I should write for movies. Every movie would star me kicking ass, blowing shit up, and starting wars with army-less third world countries. In the final showdown, me and Chuck Norris would storm through the imperial palace hut spinning back-fist and roundhouse kicking our way to the leader. After overthrowing the government, we would kick back with a couple brews at the bar and talk about everyone's shit that we ruined. For my cast, I would pay stuck-up celebrities to be in my movie. Once they signed on I would inform them that they had to gain 100 pounds to play the part. Once they did this, I would say "just kidding, tool" (quote made famous by Maddox). The only problem with this is that most of the actresses in Hollywood + 100 pounds = 103 pounds so it may not work on just anyone.
I'm not done bitching about the Cat in the Hat yet. The other day I saw a 2-liter Pepsi bottle with the Cat's ugly mug on it and below him was a caption that said simply, "SEE THE MOVIE!" Ow, you don't have to be so harsh. When did complex marketing schemes become simplified to brief commands that the drooling drones of America will follow? That's like a toilet paper commercial saying "See to it that our new quintuple-Quilted Charmin meets your ass and transfers your shit, or else!" Then the camera zooms in on the Snuggle bear's face and you can see an image of Hitler clubbing a baby seal in his eyes. That would instill enough fear in me to cause me to eject my intestines right then and there, for sure.
Late night talk shows also love to cash in on a big movie premier. When the movie comes out, for a week straight, Leno, Letterman, Conan (a.k.a god of late night) and Kilbourn will have seemingly every single member of the movie crew on the show for a friendly chat. These guests will appear in order of importance each day. The week will start out with the buff stud in the lead role. Tuesday will be filled with the overly-dramatic getting-by-on-her-looks actress. Wednesday will bring the guy who's not in the lead role that always plays the guy who's not in the lead role. Thursday will bring the insignificant desperate actor who's salary could be paid if 5 people saw the movie (which would mean his salary is approximately $62,000). To wrap the week up, the movie will send out the guy that did makeup for the ass of the lead character. It never fails in these movies, it's almost as if your ticket stub contractually binds you to seeing the lead male character's pasty behind. It sickens me. It always seems to make women giggle raucously though. I just don't get it, what is so enticing about Mel Gibson's bunghole? His ass has seen more days than Methuselah. The site of that aberration has nearly cost me my potency in the past.
To do my part in bringing an end to blockbuster marketing bullshit extravaganzas, I'm going to do something that should have been done a long time ago. I'm going to create a marketing campaign for a movie that is actually deserving of one. It's a grand movie that I hope my great grandchildren will be watching if they know what's good for them. It's a movie that every American SHOULD see (no illegal aliens though, you people can just get the fuck out). Of course I'm talking about...
This stoner classic is more than worthy of an extensive marketing campaign, so here we go with the promotions...
Burger King Kids Meals: Kids can go to Burger King and get a kid's meal, but it's no ordinary kid's meal. With the Half Baked Kids Meal, your child receives 6 chicken tenders in the shape of fun pot leaves that are covered with a "special" green breading. Not only is it good eatin', it gives your children an important biology lesson at the same time. The slogan for them will be very Dr. Seuss-esque, "7 points is pot, 5 points is not. Eat your special chicken or you'll be shot." The toy that goes along with this promotion will be a Killer the Rottweiler windup toy. When you wind him up, he flies around and bites people while taking breaks every 10 seconds to hit the crack pipe. What child wouldn't want this?
Super-Size Abba Zabba Bar: This one is straight from the movie. Tired of the weak little Abba Zabba taffy bars? Get the unreasonably large version to quelch those late-night munchie cravings. This Super-Size Abba Zabba measures in at 5' X 10' assuring you of your Abba Zabba fulfillment. Collect 10 wrappers and receive a free pound of weed delivered to your doorstep (which opens the floodgates to many more Abba Zabba purchases).
Sir Smokes-a-lot Halloween Costume: Dress up like your favorite pothead rap star with this costume! No 9 year old chick will be able to resist your child when he's wearing this bling-blingin outfit. Your kid can walk around spouting his favorite Smokes-a-lot mad rhymez like "Bitch, I wanna talk to Sampson!" and "Sampson gets me lifted!" It even comes with a pack of zig-zags so little Billy can roll a fatty before he indulges in his Halloween candy.
Mail-Order "The Guy on the Couch": Are you feeling lonely in your own home? Well solve that problem with your very own Guy on the Couch. All of the homeless people that were sleeping outside of the movie studio have been rounded up and are for sale. These Guys on the Couch come with a guarantee to do the following: take up space on your couch, say nothing during their stay, hit the pipe when you pass it to them, PLUS watch your children for you while you are gone (don't worry, you can trust a complete stranger with your kids)!
Billy Bong Thornton Action Figure: This is an exact replica of the same bong used in the movie. It's perfectly made to scale out of blown glass. Billy Bong Thornton actually smokes and bubbles if you combine it with water and a bag of Mr. Nice Guy's sweet cheeba! (FOR ACTION FIGURE USE ONLY).
Tanzania and Senegal now know better than to fuck with Chuck Norris and I.