I've been hearing a term thrown around lately in reference to certain celebrities. They are being called "Metrosexuals". I instantly identified it as one of those bullshit buzz words that the media makes up and people start to use to appear "hip" and "with it". Turns out I was right, but, what else is new? I asked my good buddy Jeeves (who can take down a beer bong like no other) what a Metrosexual was. His reply disgusted me. Apparently, a Metrosexual is, by definition, a young man with money to spend, who's not afraid to show his feminine side, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis — because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be officially gay, straight or bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference. Particular professions, such as modeling, waiting tables, media, pop music and, nowadays, sport, seem to attract them. I felt a bit of envy bubble up inside me but then I just realized that I needed to rip ass on my dad's leather chair. After I expelled the demon, I started to get irritated by the fact that these people exist and are receiving praise. An alternate definition for the Metrosexual could be "Self-centered arrogant, and utterly materialistic fuckjob." That sounds about right. So he is young and has money to spend. I can't blame them for that one because there is an endless supply of girls after looks and money as opposed to anything else. But where are these Metrotards picking up their ladies? At the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers?!? Since when did the same kind of guy go to gyms AND hairdressers? I suppose it's possible since they are probably at the gym doing that "Winsor Pilates" bullshit that I see on the commercial 420 times a day. After a difficult workout where a sweat was almost broken, it's off to the hairdresser for the daily root cleansing, highlights, and goat piss treatment to keep their hair vibrant and beautiful. Gag me with a plunger, this is ridiculous. After that, it's off to "da club" where there are sure to be many fugly bitches and plenty of other Metrotards listening to groovin' techno music. There they will discuss exfoliating and how they are bothered by the appearance of their toenails. Why do people listen to techno music? I use the word music loosely too, it's a bunch of studio produced sounds thrown together with some lyric repeated several thousand times, such as "Around the world, around the world..." Why?
Since when is taking yourself as your own love object and pleasure as a sexual preference so cutting edge and worth talking about? This is just a fancy way of saying "I'm comfortable with BEATING OFF EVERY NIGHT, so don't give me any flak about it, silly-poo." People that can't score have been doing this since the dawn of time. Og the caveman didn't have a wench to drag by the hair so he made "cave paintings" on his wall with his own personal paint. Og wasn't even near a metropolis and he got off just fine. Some more Metrosexual information that I found said the only problem facing the metrosexual in an otherwise carefree existence is the inescapable effects of ageing. If 30 is 45 in gay years, then 26 is retirement age for the metrosexual. Well, gee golly. I know why. It's because they are BLIND FROM MASTURBATING. But really, how do we know this? The origin of the word appeared in some stupid magazine in 1994. Is there any way to really gauge the "age progression" of such a young fad? The key word there is fad. That means it will be over in a short time, so who gives a fuck?
The Metrosexual appears to have quite a plethora of stimulating professions in front of him.
That's right Metrojerks, I'll be taking care of all of your ladies for you in a couple years. Enjoy and impregnate them while you can, Grand Master Bullshit is breathing down your neck.
I've brought home more than a fair share of bacon in my day