Ah yes, Car Insurance companies. The purveyors of financial protection in your hour of need. The well-meaning, family oriented, fuzzy anused institutions who stash some of your money away every 1-6 months for when you annihilate a family of four while driving drunk and getting road head from a pregnant 13 year old illegal Mexican. But does car insurance really live up to its reputation? The answer is.......... NO FUCKING WAY.
Every day car insurance companies are consistently ripping off every single one of their customers in a big way. Whether it's State Farm, Progressive, Allstate, or the one with the stupid gecko, they all pretty much permeate bullshit. They aren't like health insurance companies who offer complete coverage of expenses often for less than $100 a month for your whole family (although you're fucked without it). No, car insurance companies are far worse. They are judgemental, greedy, un-caring and vengeful.
The whole idea behind car insurance is to make you pay a certain rate based on their judging of your choice of vehicle, your driving record, your age class, your gender and probably your sexual preference. I'm no advocate but I thought society as a whole was hell bent against judging people by the certain groups they fall into, and regularly made a habit of crucifying those who do. Car insurance companies are doing just that. Just because I drive a Firebird means I'm a more dangerous driver than someone who drives a rusted-out Geo? And how about gender? Just because I have a schlong means I'm more likely to cause a wreck than a woman? WAKE UP YOU ASSHOLES. Women are terrible drivers, they freak the shit out of me. Your short-sighted judging of me needs to stop.
In order to simulate their unfair profiling, I decided to visit Geico.com to get myself a free car insurance quote for my Firebird. They claim that "15 minutes could save you 15% on car insurance". Yeah right. It neither took 15 minutes nor saved me a damn thing. It too me about 23 minutes to get through the endless barrage of questions they use to determine the quote. They asked me things like what my marital status is, if I was a full-time student and how many days a week I drive to work. I answered them all truthfully and selected similar coverage to what I have now. They also asked if I or any driver in my household had any of the following:
Wow, if I even LIVE with someone who's had those things happen they think I'm likely to do that myself. How the hell is it a reflection on me if someone I live with was in an accident that wasn't their fault in the past 5 years? A couple of the pages in the quote wizard had quotes from satisfied customers like some ugly college student from Utah who was poor and some turban cowboy named Geraldo who's little brother was able to use the site because it's so easy. Geico figured they would show me propaganda before I got to my actual quote. The problem was once I got to my quote that was all forgettable. 23 minutes later, I finally got to see the results of their judgements. I was directed to a picture of the Gecko holding a sign that said "Your 6 month Insurance Quote is: $1161". HOLY FUCKING BALLS. That breaks down to $193.50 a month. I currently pay $100 a month so that means Geico really needs to change their slogan to:
So after the vigorous judgement cycle, what happens? You pay your insurance no matter what happens with your vehicle. Don't cause a single fatality this month? You're still paying. Run a school bus off of a cliff? Yep, still paying.
But once you do cause an accident, they take care of you right? Nope. Liability coverage will cover the expense to the other person, but Collision is where they completely drop the soap. Whether you hit another car or a tree, Collision coverage only kicks in after you pay your "deductible" which in many cases is around $500. Fucking Christ. I pay you hundreds to thousands a year no matter what and I still have to shell out $500 before you even consider helping me out? That's like a health insurance company telling a cancer patient they will only cover expenses if the cancer is terminal. Bullshit.
While I was on the Geico site they actually RECOMMENDED that I not even have collision coverage because my car isn't worth enough anymore and it wouldn't be advantageous to have it. So my choices become A. Have collision coverage that isn't advantageous but still covers some of my costs, or B. Go without it and have to pay for any damages I cause to my car short of wrecking the bitch. So basically I'm rammed in the cornshoot either way.
So after they dish out 1/1000000th of their money to help you out a little, it's cool between you two right? Hell no. They want to punish you for taking advantage of their service. Your rates get jacked up the very next billing cycle and you basically pay them back what they gave you over the course of a few months. What the fuck is that? They also feel a need to punish you when you fuck up and drive a little too fast, have a neighbor drop a garage door on your car, have a moose smash up your front end, or have hail dent the fuck out of it. That's right, even if something happens that isn't your fault, you're still paying for it.
So car insurance is basically a no-win situation, right? Not quite. Now that I think about it, I take back my statement about everyone getting ripped off. There's one surefire way to take full advantage of your insurance and that's to cause tens of thousands in damage and medical bills. That way you hardly have to pay anything compared to the overall cost of your folly. Plus afterward the insurance company will just drop your ass so you won't have to pay them any more. What could be cooler than that?
Car insurance is such an ass-backwards concept that the people who are good drivers have to eat the most shit. I've had my driver's license for approximately 4 years and have never been in an accident and have only gotten one speeding ticket, most of that while driving a red sports car. In that time I estimate I've paid State Farm $5,000 and have gotten jack shit for it. That's almost the cost of my fucking car ($6800). How is this rewarding or even sensible for me? Now some of you boors may be saying "but no matter how good of a driver you are theres still idjits like me who could smash into you!" You're right, but what if the idjit has insurance? Theirs will pay for my expenses, my insurance will do nothing, and my rates STILL go up. If they don't have insurance? As it stands, my car is worth about $3,200 and I have health insurance to cover my medical expenses. So even if the idjit in question completely obliterates my car, I've paid State Farm $5,000 already so they're essentially taking $3,200 of MY money, putting it to use, then keeping the rest.
So why the fuck should some multi-billion dollar company hold on to my money on some off chance my car gets totally destroyed? I can do that myself. I don't need the Good Hands of Allstate to molest my ass. I can use my own Good Hands for putting money in the bank plus other cool stuff like touching strippers and flipping off children. Hey, I could market this idea. I could call it...
Listen up for the best financial advice you'll ever receive. Ever. This is how it works: Get one of those free insurance quotes everyone's ranting and raving about (except me). Slash that figure by 25-35% (eliminates the rip-off tax) or less if you want to play it safe. Put that money into a high-gain savings account or invest it where it's readily accessible. DON'T TOUCH IT. Self-discipline is by far the most important element. If you're tapping into it for other shit, it's never going to work. Next, don't drive like a dumbass. You have to be sensible while your funds are accumulating so you don't get into a bad situation. Yes, there is a certain amount of risk involved but that's part of every moneymaking venture. Over time, your "insurance savings" will grow and will be able to cover most fender-bending mishaps. You might even be able to use it for the inevitable costly vehicle repairs not related to an accident. That's something conventional insurance is desperately missing. Now here's the reward at the end of the tunnel: If you don't ever have to use your insurance fund, you get to keep it. It's not gone somewhere in a CEO's pocket, it's right there in the bank for you. Think about if you save $100 a month for 5 years. You'll have $6,000 in the bank plus interest or investment output. By 10 years of perfect driving you'll have $12,000+ that you would have never seen again. If it continues to grow you can make longer-term investments with some of it and eventually you'll be able to cover more than all but the most disastrous accidents. If you use it at any time, just start over and keep saving.
Keep in mind this method should only be used by financially responsible people who are good drivers. But I know there are a lot of you out there and this could save you thousands of dollars that would otherwise be wasted. Let's all stick it to the insurance companies and their ridiculous practices. Think about it. If all of their good drivers drop their coverage and start saving instead, they will only be left with shitty drivers who get in accidents that cause the insurance companies to pay out. They'll be losing money before we know it and the Anti-Bullshit movement will have claimed another victim (right along with metrosexuals, radio stations and Christianity).
The Geico Gecko will need all sorts of coverage when I'm through with him