If I had a choice to pay $6 to see Hollywood Homicide, or to pay $6 to get a searing anal probe for 24 straight hours, I might as well just get my pants down now.
I will give you the recipe for this movie:
There you have what this movie is. Except the producers forgot one important part of the recipe, which was the comedy. This movie was SUPPOSED to be a lighthearted funny movie with some action scenes and a plot line. It was kind of ruined when they accidentally forgot the funny part of it and it just fell flat on its face. What a noble idea. Nobody has ever come out with a comedic action drama buddy cop movie, right? Wait, they forgot to team Harrison Ford with a black guy, that was the integral part of it. The "humor" in it was as dry as a mouthful of sand. They tried to sneak in dry witty lines without making an obvious attempt at getting a laugh but it just wasn't happening. And if this movie didn't have a big yawn of a script, why the fuck would they cast Harrison Ford as the lead? This guy is NOT funny. He's Han Solo, he's Indiana Jones, he's not fucking Jim Carrey. Ford making a jocular line is about as exciting as polishing shoes for a shoeless piss poor Mexican, it simply can't be done. Just look at the movie poster, he's more interested in scratching the lice out of his hair than posing for the picture. I will give this movie a hand, it did have a plotline. I'm sure it was a decent one but after I realized I walked into an abyss of suck (which took a record 5 minutes) I simply didn't care what was happening. I just stared at the screen for the next hour and 55 minutes hoping either a psycho killer would gouge my eyes out, or it would end. Ford played the part of a lonely 3-time divorced detective who was also a real-estate agent. This was what was supposed to drive the humor of his character but the idea in itself was so pathetic that nothing they tried to do with it came close to getting a grin from me.
Then there's "heartthrob" Josh Hartnett. Somebody tell me what the fuck a heartthrob is. If out hearts are always throbbing or beating, why does one particular commercialized dipshit make them continue to do their main function? As for Hartnett's acting, it was more along the lines of heart attack. If his acting were a visual object, it would look something like the ass that is his chin. This guy needs to do movies that are romantic comedies that have absolutely no point but are enjoyed by women anyway. Whenever he tried to be funny, instead of the intended laughter, I got an urge to use a crowbar to pry his brain out. He is one of those actors that gets by on his looks as opposed to the actual talent requirement that is flowing freely in such kick ass actors as Samuel L. Jackson. He's only in movies so they can put him on the cover of mind-poisoning teenie bopper magazines like YM or Tiger Beat. If acting were wrestling, Hartnett couldn't wrestle a dead kitten. The ironic thing is that his character wants to quit being a detective to become an actor but he sucks ass at it but doesn't realize it. Wow, maybe they did pick the right guy for this part.
The movie took way too fucking long to establish the story. When I read a preview for it, all it said was "Two detectives work to investigate the murder of a rap group on stage." Ok, now that I know what the story is about, I don't need to see much of it in the movie right? WRONG. The first 20 minutes of the movie was setting up what I already knew from reading 1 sentence. It took 10 minutes just for the 2 killers to get their guns, put their masks on, and meet up and get ready to kill. Then, we don't even get to see anybody die! The killers shoot off-screen supposedly at the tard rappers, then we only see them laying on the ground bloodied for a split second. Bullshit. Another thing that pissed me off was the number of characters. There was way too many names to keep track of (if I was actually trying to). There was the detectives, the guys that killed the rappers, some guy that didn't get shot, some record label owner, 5 guys on the police force, the guy that was the head of the attack, some black guy, 2 chicks that Harrison Ford was macking on (gross), and some fat black lady. None of these characters were even close to being cool. The guy that was the head of the killings was some skinny white guy with a balding wanna-be mullet. He even almost kicked Josh Hartnett's ass but Hartnett stole the gun from him when he conveniently looked away. Then he got shot like 5 times and was barely in pain. If there was anything even remotely resembling a climax, it was the chase scene at the end. Harrison Ford was after the record label guy and Josh Hartnett was after the pussy mullet guy. The problem with this was that the chase lasted a FUCKING HALF HOUR. Apart from the black record guy, none of the characters could play girls' little league baseball let alone chase somebody for half an hour. Not only that, but during this, they wrecked a kick-ass Mustang GT and a Cadillac Escalade. God dammit. They had a chance to make all the crap I saw worth it when Ford and the record label guy were fighting on the grating above a giant fan. All they had to do was have one or both of them fall through and be chopped up and splattered all over Hollywood but alas, I remained disappointed. I hope everyone checks out the premier of my new movie, Hollywood Genocide. It's a documentary about me going around and gassing all the dipshits that were involved in this movie until they choke and die, right down to the lowliest caterer.
Hollywood Genocide is all climax