Glorified Microwave
The message reads as follows:
Subject: Charlie - Subway
Name: Alistair Cohen
Date Posted: Dec 6, 04 - 6:03 AM
Email: allstar.cohen@hotmail.com
Message: Hey charlie u moron - my parents own 7 subway franchises in Australia on the GOLD COAST. u kno where that is u stupid yank? its like ur precious florida, except without all the americans.
The toastign ovens are microwaves, yes, but they are mainly ovens! they are called a C-3 and they are made by a company called turbochef. the air is heated to 500 degrees (ill assume its ur stupid fahrenheit measure), then it is fan forced a 60mph around the food AND IS ALSO MICROWAVED! obviuosly the stupid american owner didnt set it up properly. anyway thought u mite wanna kno. im gunna assume u weigh over 100kg (not 220lbs, but 100kg - join the rest of the world) since u can manage to wolf down a whole quiznos sub. personally the levels of fat in those things make me wanna hurl (throw up/puke/vomit) my guts cant handle the sudden rush of grease & fat. enjoy ur huge waistline. enjoy dying from a heart attack as ur arteries clog with fat.
FYI, every quiznos store in australia is losing money.
obviously australians care about their lifestyle.
http://turbochef.com/international/how-it-works.jpg
Well then, "Allstar", I guess when you wrote that you didn't think much about it because you forgot punctuation, proper spelling, and a point. Hey charlie u moron - my parents own 7 subway franchises in Australia on the GOLD COAST. u kno where that is u stupid yank? its like ur precious florida, except without all the americans. Just how does the fact that your parents own 7 Subways make me a moron? Was I supposed to magically know this? I mean, I'm sure the Cohen family is well known in the Land Down Under for this but here we have no clue. Do I know where the GOLD COAST is? Of course I do, it's in Australia. Who are you to say that Florida is so precious to me? I've said it before, Florida is full of old people and Disney characters which makes it rank pretty low on my list. And if it were just like my precious Florida, a series of hurricanes would show up and rip all of your parents' Subways to the ground. That would be pretty cool to watch.
The toastign ovens are microwaves, yes, but they are mainly ovens! Aha! I knew it! Those pieces of shit are microwaves. I didn't even need your shitty diagram to know that, I could tell by the taste of the sub. And how is it a microwave, but MAINLY an oven? Is that like how you are a Subway Nazi but MAINLY a dumbass?
they are called a C-3 and they are made by a company called turbochef. the air is heated to 500 degrees (ill assume its ur stupid fahrenheit measure), then it is fan forced a 60mph around the food AND IS ALSO MICROWAVED! obviuosly the stupid american owner didnt set it up properly. OH NO, please don't beat my food with a bunch of stupid hot air at 60 MPH (don't you mean Kmph?). I don't care what's happening to it, the fact remains that a microwave is being utilized while this is happening. Precisely controlled bursts of energy? That makes it sound like the microwave is fucking my food in the ass, which is not too appetizing. How the hell could the "stupid american owner" have set it up wrong? You plug the fucker in and hit a few buttons. It's not like changing a few options is going to effect how shittily this thing works in terms of "toasting". I guess you and the C-3 have a lot in common. You both blow a lot of hot air.
im gunna assume u weigh over 100kg (not 220lbs, but 100kg - join the rest of the world) since u can manage to wolf down a whole quiznos sub. Wow, that's an incredible assumption Allstar. I actually weigh 120 lbs (or 54.4 kg if you prefer). In fact here is a picture of my skinny ass wolfing down a delicious Quizno's Sub:
It was delightful and I'm still not obese. How does it take a fat person to eat a whole one anyway? They come in 3 different sizes and contain as much food as an equally sized shitty Subway sub. Oh, and PLEASE don't rip on my country's system of pounds and inches. I'm really personally hurt by that since it was my conscious choice for our whole country to use that system. What was I thinking? But actually, the metric system makes so much more sense because everything is Base 10, so you're actually right about something for once in your meager life, we SHOULD join the rest of the world.
personally the levels of fat in those things make me wanna hurl (throw up/puke/vomit) my guts cant handle the sudden rush of grease & fat. That statement gives me a good idea of what kind of person you are (by the way, thanks for providing the synonyms for "hurl" in case I didn't understand what you meant). You are definately one of the following 3 kinds of people:
1. Bulemic: Your knack for throwing up when you come into contact with fat sure sounds like a bulemic dipshit to me.
2. A Jared Fan: This goes along with the whole Subway Nazi thing. I can picture you worshipping the ground Jared walks on because he's touched you in that special, inspirational way. You think he's a genius because he was a fat turd then lost a bunch of weight by eating your stupid sandwiches. But really hard work and excercise are a major part of that too. But Subway doesn't want people to know that so they put it in really small print at the bottom of the commercial.
3. An Atkins Advocate: You probably follow the Atkins trend just like your beloved Subway did. What? Lose weight without much exercise? Sounds easy. It is because while you stuff your face with bacon, your body is eating itself because it needs carbohydrates before proten and fat. You know that headache that you get for the first 2 weeks of the diet? That's your brain going crazy because it doesn't have any carbs so it has to adjust itself. Dr. Atkins died on his diet for a reason.
enjoy ur huge waistline. enjoy dying from a heart attack as ur arteries clog with fat. FYI, every quiznos store in australia is losing money. obviously australians care about their lifestyle. So I guess I'm guaranteed to balloon up and die of a coronary disease just because I choose Quizno's over Subway? Why the fuck should I care if Quizno's is losing money in Australia? If you people don't want quality in your lives, that's fine with me. But if Aussies care so much about their lifestyle, then why are there over 725 McDonalds' there, compared to 721 Subways. Isn't McDonald's the epitome of fat people everywhere?
Any way you slice it, you have no point. Subway's "High-Speed Toasting Ovens" are nothing more than a glorified microwave. The whole premise behind toast is that the bread gets slightly crunchy and blackened. I went so far as to purchase a Subway toasted sub and a Quizno's toasted sub to compare them. A picture of them side-by-side is shown below, with the Subway sandwich on the left and the Quizno's on the right:
Notice the black edges on the Quizno's sub? That comes from the heat in their toaster oven, not from a bunch of hot air blasting it. Also notice that the Subway bread does, in fact, look eerily similar to the picture of the dead fish I had in my column. So after I devoured the Quizno's sub, I was stuck with a worthless pile of garbage from Subway. I didn't want it to go to waste so I found a few better things to do with it than eat it:
Door Stop
Ashtray (Unfortunately I didn't want to finish the cigar because it had been touching the sub)
Drain plug
At least some living thing got enjoyment from eating it. But then again, dogs enjoy eating their own poop.
You must be so proud of your parents and their elite franchisee lifestyle. Ah yes, the enterprising franchisee. Why make money off of your own original ideas when you can buy into someone else's? All you have to do is buy a new store, find a place to construct it, and open for business. After that all you have to do is hire incompetent teens to run it for you, pay them dirt for wages, come up with the occasional ridiculous store policy or sale, then the profits come rolling in. You only need to be there a few hours a week, what could be better? But wait, if you hate America so much, then why are your parents capitalizing on a capitalist American corporation? Why don't they invest in boomerang manufacturing or whatever it is you people have there. Eat all of the Subway subs you want Allstar, that won't change the fact that you, your parents and Jared are all corporate tools.
I've considered opening a Hank's House of Boomerangs in the States but decided to come up with something origninal