The movie starts out with Jack (playing a 63 year old ladies man... gross) and Amanda Peet (who is pretty fucking hot and playing a 27 year old) going to some beach house for the weekend to be alone. The whole first 10 minutes of the movie is them hitting on each other in a way that couples who think about nothing other than getting it on hit on each other. After that, Peet wants to go skinny dipping and begins to strip, but unfortunately she makes Jack take his pants off. Somehow they end up on top of each other on a bed. If there's ever a thing that's confused the shit out of my sex drive, it was this scene. The scantily-clad hot chick was sending a positive message down below but the fact that she was on hairy, grizzled Jack Nicholson made it want to shrivel up and die. There was utter chaos brewing in my pants, and it wasn't a good feeling.
The next scene showed Jack in his underwear going through the fridge when Peet's mom (played by Keaton, who is in her 50's) and some other insignificant bitch walking in to the surprise of an old strange man in his underwear. Insignificant Bitch grabbed an unintimidating knife as Keaton threatened to call the police. Peet walks in the room in a bikini and it's explained that the old man is boning her daughter, Keaton is there to get away and do some writing (because she's some famous playwright), and Insignificant Bitch is there to be insignificant. Keaton reluctantly offers to leave and let the pedofile have his way with her daughter. Then Insignificant Bitch chimes in with the worst idea I've ever heard "Let's just all stay here and enjoy the weekend and if we all hang out together, then we do, tee hee!" Somehow everyone agrees to it which gives the story no cohesion from the get-go. Then they all begin eating dinner together and Jack is keeping to his character and subliminally hitting on everyone. They begin talking more about themselves and it is learned that Jack is a never-married rich guy who owns a hip-hop record company called Drive By Records (huh?) and cares as much about women as Quagmire from Family Guy. Then we learn that Keaton is a famous rich playwright who has been divorced for a long time and hasn't gotten back on the dating path again. Then Insignificant Bitch spouts out the worst 3 minute-long sentence I've ever heard. She says something like, "What a great story this would make, a bachelor millionaire meets an up-tight manless woman that hates his ways but they end up hitting it off because everyone knows that stupid cliche that opposites attract and they live happily ever after! Tee hee!" Way to go on the painfully obvious foreshadowing, cunt. As you'll find, that one line right there could have paraphrased the rest of the movie and I could have spent the next 2 hours doing something useless.
The next day, Keaton and Insignificant Bitch are in the kitchen when they hear "Lets Get It On" by Marvin Gaye blaring in the other room. We then hear Peet giggling to no end, which turns into frightened screams of "MOM!!!". They rush into the room and Jack is on the floor having a heart attack. At this point I get optimistic and hope that he is incapacitated/dead for the rest of the movie so he can't mack on anybody else. Oh man, was I wrong. Keaton runs over and gives him CPR because all rich single white women are CPR certified. He's having a heart attack bitch, he's not drowning. Try making yourself less useless. Jack gets rushed to the hospital and Keanu Reeves makes his first appearance as the lifeless hospital bed, oops, I mean head doctor. He explains what's going on to Jack and saves his life and whatnot. Then Jack nearly dies from the nitroglycerin because it creates a lethal reaction in his bloodstream with the Viagra he took. That's right kids, not only is the hot chick dating an old guy, she's dating an IMPOTENT old guy. If only I could be so lucky... Next up is a completely unnecessary scene in which Jack wanders out of his room in a drugged-up state with his ass hanging out of his hospital gown. I guess they were going for the complete gross-out factor with this movie because we see Nicholson's ass not once, not twice, but FOUR FUCKING TIMES. I get the point you assholes, once was more than enough. I don't need to see Jack's hemhorroid speckled ass four goddamn times. I could swear one of the 'roids winked at me. Then if you look close enough you can see Reeves pitching a tent in his trousers.
I know Maddox has said it before but I second the notion, Keanu Reeves could EASILY be replaced with a wooden plank. He's just so hollow and fake in his acting. Every line he says is as forced as Jack's erections. They tried to make his character out to be an "ultra-cool dude" like his character from Bill & Ted by having him wear sneakers in the emergency room but it just made him look like a washed-up 80's coke fiend. As if that weren't enough, he begins to fall in love with Keaton and begins to date her. Ugh.
Jack, now out of the hospital, is too weak to travel back home. He ends up stuck at the beach house getting taken care of by the family. In an amazing plot twist, Peet finds some stupid party to go to for 2 days while leaving her geriatric boyfriend at the house alone with her mother who despises him. OH BOY I WONDER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN! SOMETHING WHACKY AND WILD NO DOUBT! Late that night, Keaton checks in on Jack then goes to her room. She sees the light go off in his room and assumes he's asleep. Then, for no reason at all, she starts walking across the room while taking her clothes off with the camera only showing her legs. We then see Jack wander sleepily in and BAM, full shot of a wrinkly naked bitch. Egad, this is getting worse. So far there's been saggy tits and an elderly ass, but I assure you, the fun was just beginning.
Later on, the two begin instant messaging each other from opposite sides of the house on laptops. They show that they aren't completely out of touch with modern times by using maddening lingo like "R U there?" They then decide to meet up in the kitchen to make pancakes in their pajamas. Wow, what a silly, comical situation, I could hardly contain myself. Then Jack's woman returns and sees them in the kitchen making pancakes. Keaton gets all weirded out and leaves, turning down the pancakes that were romantically made. Peet notices their odd behavior and realizes that they want each other. The next day she tells her mom that she's breaking up with Jack because she's found somebody else and thinks Jack should hook up with her mom. They have a stupid break-up conversation and that is that. Later the very same day, Jack and her mom get all romantic again but this time it gets out of hand. Up to this point I was just bored and slightly disgusted but this next scene is the one that flipped my mood over to pissed off.
They start kissing and end up on the bed. To buffer how pathetic and wrong this scene was, I'll tell you that Keaton made Jack stop for a minute so she could check his blood pressure. Once she joyfully screamed "120 OVER 68!!!", they went back at it. Argh. Jack then attempts to pull her turtleneck off when Keaton reaches over for scissors and yells "Cut it off!!!". Uh... alright, so he cuts her turtleneck off, exposing her old lady bra. Then Jack goes down on her and my vision begins to dim as it tries to cut off the image I'm seeing. They end up getting it on as their bodies mold into one giant wrinkle and my stomach twists like a Twizzler. After they make nasty old people love, they start talking about how great it was and it turns into this big crying scene. Then Jack says the dastardly word that makes my ears bleed, "It almost felt like soulmates!" I could almost feel myself sprouting a mangina. I could almost feel the barrel of the gun in my mouth too, for that matter. It was a moment destined for the Lifetime Network.
Jack ends up getting better and going back home. A couple days later, Keaton is out to dinner with Peet when she sees Jack with another adolescent girl. She says hi to him then runs out the door crying. Jack follows her and they start yelling at each other and shit then Keaton leaves. She goes back to the beach house and she's crying profusely and whining in a way that it's supposed to be funny, but it wasn't because her incessant screeching lasted for 5 minutes straight. Since you can't hear it, just try to imagine the sound a rabbit makes when it's being brutally attacked by a cat. That actually happened too, while we were watching the movie. One of my cats pegged a rabbit in the yard. Funny coincidence. While she was screeching, she began writing a new play about the whole experience that pretty much ripped on Jack the whole time. And since Jack turned her into a slut again, she called up Keanu so she could get some. I was REAL pissed now because I was hoping to not have to see that pasty motherfucker anymore. So they go on some stupid dates and whatnot, Jack has another heart attack, then six months go by. Jack tracks down Keaton in Paris and goes to the same restaurant because he still wants her. They begin to talk when Keanu shows up and sits down and kisses Keaton. Then he gives her an engagement ring and Jack shits himself (either from the shock, or from being old, I'm not sure which). Then he goes off somewhere and cries again but Keaton magically finds him. She tells him that Keanu left because he could tell they still loved each other or something stupid like that. Jack and Diane live happily ever after. They never explained what happened to Keanu but he probably went home and did something pointless like cut his wrists to ease his "deep inner sorrow".
Something had to give and it ended up being my sanity