"Don't spray that aerosol can outside! You'll kill us all!!!" is your typical freakout plea of people enamored with the idea of global warming. These people are probably religious too, they think anything that is too hot for them is bad and worth bitching about. Get bent around a telephone pole at 60 MPH, rejects. What's so bad about global warming? It's fuckin cold out there. I managed to lose 6 of my fingers and part of my nose this past winter. I was hoping to have at least 5 left, dammit. Wisconsin sucks ass and I say the ozone hole can't be big enough above the South Pole. If we can average 60 degrees daily in winter, I'll be joyous. Sure, Florida's average temperature will be about 150 degrees in the summer, but Florida is full of stupid old people and Disney characters. If you can't take the heat, drown in the ocean.
Then there's always the 35 year old virgin scientist spazzing out about our wonderful polar ice caps melting. If our world keeps getting hotter, they will begin to melt and drown us all. I think that would rule because then people would stop bitching about conserving water. You wanted more fucking water, that's what you got. If you spent less time whining about chlorofluorocarbons and more time evolving to have gills, there wouldn't be a problem. Why the hell do we need to conserve water anyway? It's not like when we flush our toilets, it's zapped into outer space. It goes into the sewer and will eventually evaporate and rain down again. That's right, all of you at sometime or another have had water that I took a shit in land on you. Water doesn't go anywhere. Didn't you learn about the Hydrological Cycle in 4th grade?
One of the pitiful products of neo-hippies and their boner for the ozone layer is hybrid cars. The idea in itself is a good one. Make a car with an electric and gasoline engine so it gets 50+ miles per gallon. That was only the secondary goal of the designers however. Their main objective was to make them look like the most ridiculous clown cars on the road and they did a pretty good job of achieving that. For example:
This is the atrocity known as the Honda Insight. What an innovation they had by covering up half of the rear tires. It kinda makes it look like it has something to hide. Maybe it's the corpses of the little Japanese boys that assembled them. Well aren't you the envy of Beetle owners? Sure it gets 59 miles per gallon. But look at what it has done to this guy. He probably used to be a badass cowboy redneck that could turn a pig into bacon in 5 seconds flat. Introduce the Insight into his life and BAM! He's a the personification of a mindless plankton with a grin that says "I can fit my dick in the tail pipe." It's sad, really.
Anyways, getting back on topic: Global warming. Any kind of evidence for global warming being caused by humans is shoddy at best. The climate in the days of the Vikings was warmer than it is now. All the hot weather was probably why the Vikings were so pissed off. Iced Tea wasn't invented yet so Vikings cooled off by destroying villages and raping virgins. Then what happened to them? The Ice Age rolled around and it became too damn cold to go outside and pillage. They ended up sitting around and getting drunk and dying of alcoholism. So are you going to tell me not to drive my gasoline-exclusive car when the next Ice Age rolls around? No, you'll be begging me to own the ozone like an endangered animal. And what will I be doing? I'll be drinking shots of vodka until I feel warm.
If you ask the real experts around, they will side with the fact that global warming is a media invention. Only 17 percent of the members of the Meteorological Society think that global warming is caused by humans. Sounds like an unpromising number to me. These 17 percent are the ones "gravely concerned and alarmed" at the rate the ozone is depleting. They fear all the nasty UV rays that will get through if it gets worse. If I were them I would be worrying about their teenage daughters that are future Melanoma patients from tanning 3 times a week. But that's ok, it's all in the interest of looking better than everyone, right? I for one am VERY turned on by a lady with the complexion of a baked potato.
For those that are frantic about global warming, don't cry the next time your car won't start on a wonderful 8 degree Wisconsin morning. If you would have done your part and polluted heavily, you wouldn't be in this predicament. If only it would get just a little warmer, I might seriously ponder moving to Canada. At least there you don't get crucified for possessing pot.
I'm still trying to figure out what the point of this column was