After the "I'll Kick You in the Nuts!" Poll was dominated by Fred Durst, the results started flying around the internet and eventually got back to Fred himself. He contacted me and asked what the fuck was up so I just decided to invite him to do an interview with me for the site, so here it is:
Grand Master Bullshit: Welcome to my site Fred and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and interview for Bullshit Central.
Fred: It's a pleasure dawg. But I ain't not really busy nowadays.
Grand Master Bullshit: Oh that's right, you came out with that new album but nobody gave a shit so you probably have time to sit around and whack off to animal porn.
Fred: Fo real, that describes my life perfectly yo. I particularly enjoy primates because they gots a striking resemblance to myself and I'm a sexy bitch.
Grand Master Bullshit: Don't push it, jackass. So, the reason I brought you here was I ran a poll for a few weeks that asked "Who Would You Most Like to Kick in the Nuts?" and you won in a landslide over such disasters as Julia Roberts and Osama bin Laden. People are after your sack Fred, what are your thoughts?
Fred: Thatz terrible, yo. My package be my most prized possession. I can't go 20 minutes wit-out feelin that shit.
Grand Master Bullshit: But isn't that on account of the many STD's you have aquired at gay bars after Bizkit shows?
Fred: Fo' real, yo. Feelin, scratchin till they be bleedin, same thing.
Grand Master Bullshit: So why do you think nobody bought your latest album?
Fred: That be simple. When me and my Limp Bizkit homies first came out, all our fans was like 11, 12, 13 years old, yo. Now that theyz all like in they teenz, they actually got sick of our pre-teen stylez of muzik.
Grand Master Bullshit: So how hard is it to write music that 12 year olds will get into?
Fred: Shit nigga, that shits E-Z. All you gots ta do is come up wit some mindless mad rhymes. Then you adds a little distortion on that one stringed intrument...
Grand Master Bullshit: The electric guitar?
Fred: Fo' schizzle, yo.
Grand Master Bullshit: Wow, you really are as stupid as you look.
Fred: Yeah so thenz we addz a little record spinnin and BAM! We got us a phat record.
Grand Master Bullshit: So really it's only about 10 times more difficult than writing a punk song as opposed to a band with actual talent?
Fred: Fo real, yo.
Grand Master Bullshit: If you fucking say 'Fo real' again I'm going to mutilate your ape-like body and feed it to my cats. Because I hope you know I pack a chainsaw, and I'll skin your ass raw.
Fred: Yo, that be one of my mad rhymez!
Grand Master Bullshit: Fred, you do realize that you are white, correct? I mean, you grew up with a bunch of rednecks in Jacksonville.
Fred: Yeah dog, but it's all like I gotta be down wit tha ghetto language, it's what gives me my cool image that makes all the 12 year old hunnies scream my name.
Grand Master Bullshit: So tell me, what is up with the backwards red baseball cap?
Fred: Well ya seez, I's born wit a rare disease, it's called Penis Head Sarcoma Scoliosis.
Grand Master Bullshit: Sounds pretty bad. What is it exactly?
Fred: It's where my bald noggin lookin like a giant penis. But it goes ova well in the backstage, my Bizkit home dawgs all bend over and I head butt them in they azz until the bleed.
Grand Master Bullshit: You sick fuck! I didn't want to hear that! [at this point I slice off the top of his penis-head with my ninja sword]
Fred: Thanks dog! You cured me fo schizzle!
Grand Master Bullshit: Don't thank me, I swung too high. So anyways, why are you such a retard?
Fred: That shitz easy, one day I ovadosed on Viagra and now all I be thinking about is cock.
Grand Master Bullshit: So Wes Borland left you guys because he knew you blew ass, and Head from Korn has said that they made a huge mistake unleashing Limp Bizkit on the world. What are your thoughts on that?
Fred: Oh, eazy fo' scheezy, my rizzle got a trizzle but then we went to nizzle one time so it all got fuckizzled ovizzle so I tookizzled my...
Grand Master Bullshit: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
Fred: I'm sorrizzle.
Grand Master Bullshit: Ok, what was with the name of your last album, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water? Excuse me for not having an IQ of 4.3, but I just don't get it.
Fred: Aw dog, it's easy. I just throwed a buncha wordz togetha to give the album a funny name so those who had already figgered out we sucked might buy that shyt cuz it's funny.
Grand Master Bullshit: It's not funny.
Fred: Man, why you gotta play me like that? This my hopes and dreams here.
Grand Master Bullshit: Lets see, because you made it big in the music industry with little to no talent or any knowledge of music and keep cocking off your fans but saying you care about them. And don't even get me started on it being all for the "Nookie"...
Fred: [Fred begins to sob] Damn, dog, you know me like the back of yo hand.
Grand Master Bullshit: [The back of my hand gets acquainted with his face, giving him a black eye] Why are you such a whiny bitch, Fred? And when are you ever going to go through puberty and have a normal man voice?
Fred: All the kidz used to pick on me for grabbing everyones asses so I'm reel sensitive. Really, I have gone through that puberty thang, I just gotta sing like I hasn't so my 11-13 year old fans don't feel intimidated.
Grand Master Bullshit: Wow, if I cared I would feel sorry for you but I don't so I think it's hilarious. So I heard you knocked up some groupie in Minnesota?
Fred: Fo' schizzle, she's a hot momma, 15 years young. I didnt think they be squeezin a baby out o' somethin that small, but damn they did. I named him Little Freddie Bizkit Dog Wit A Trizkit.
Grand Master Bullshit: Fuckin-a right. Hey, didn't you hear that I had my friend Allen eat your baby?
Fred: You gotta be playin me, yo?!? How could you kill little... what are we talking about again?
Grand Master Bullshit: We were just talking about how I've decided that you are loathing to me and I no longer desire to talk to you. The sight of you and sound of your voice sickens me and the sound of your "Crapcore" music makes me envy the Hearing Impaired.
Fred: Aight brotha. I guess I'll be goin back to the dumpster I live in since I blew my fortune on buying private nights alone with Hugh Hefner.
Grand Master Bullshit: Hey Fred, before you go, could you sign my CD cover for me?
Fred: Fo' schizzle...
Grand Master Bullshit: OH THAT'S RIGHT! I don't have it just like everyone else in the world, too bad. Now get the fuck out of here.