With the new season of Family Guy coming out in Spring of 2005, I am filled with anticipation. I'm looking forward to it so much that I decided to try my hand out at writing an episode of Family Guy. I worked a long time on this and tried to make it as close to the show as possible. This is a column that I would especially like some feedback on so feel free to send me an e-mail or post something on the message board. So without further ado, here it is...
SCENE BEFORE THEME SONG: The family is sitting at the table eating breakfast.
Peter: "Hey Brian, pass the Fruity Pebbles." Brian slides the box across the table. Peter picks up the box and pours them into his bowl. The camera cuts to a closeup of the fruity pebbles in the bowl. Two of them are having a conversation.
Red Pebble (in a gay voice): "Hey silly, I love you in that color! The purple really accents your eyes."
Purple Pebble (also in a gay voice): "Thanks big boy, is that milk we're floating in or are you just happy to..." they are interrupted as Peter digs his spoon in. The pebbles begin to yell for mercy as Peter crunches them in his mouth. Peter feels one of his teeth break and yelps in pain.
Peter: "Ow! Who would have thought colorful gay pebbles would be so hard. Lois, where's the aspirin?"
Lois: "In the bathroom next to the drain cleaner." The camera cuts to Peter in the bathroom struggling to get the aspirin bottle open.
Peter: "Childproof my ass, this thing's gotta be bomb proof." Stewie walks in and takes the bottle from Peter, quickly opens it, then starts walking away. "Thanks son."
Stewie (under his breath): "Idiot. Let me know if you need help with the drain cleaner."
THEME SONG
OPENING SCENE: Lois is watching Stewie play with Rupert in the yard. Stewie: "...But of course I wouldn't tell a taradiddle like that Rupert, you're my dearest companion. I can't tell you enough how fun stepping in front of oncoming automobiles is. You would find it quite remarkable! You meander towards the road, while I tabulate how many vehicles stop and how many don't."
The phone rings in the house. Lois gets up to answer it.
Lois: "Don't go anywhere honey, I'll be right back." Stewie (whispering to Rupert): "Being referred to by the name of a viscous fluid produced by insects degrades us both. She might as well paint bloody stripes all over us and tell us to BEE-HAVE." Stewie laughs at his own pun but trails off and stares at Rupert "...Balderdash, Rupert! You're the one who's fu..." Stewie is cut off by a large white windowless van pulling up.
The point of view is looking towards the house. Lois walks by the window while talking on the phone.
Lois (on the phone, with a puzzled tone): "No, Quagmire, I don't have a mirror in my pocket... why do you ask?"
A man gets out of the van and walks up to Stewie.
Stewie: "Who the devil are you?!? Cease and desist immediately!"
Man (in an overly nice tone): "Hey there little fella, you want some candy?"
Stewie: "Candy? How refreshing, the red-headed one I like to call "target" has deprived me of such pleasantries.
Man: "It's in the back of my van little guy, I have all kinds of goodies!"
Stewie (as they walk towards the van): "I dare say, I didn't think this kind of generosity was possible. You can't even fathom what the fat one thinks is generous."
CUT SCENE: Meg and 2 friends are sitting on her bed gawking at a teenie bopper magazine. Peter enters the room.
Peter (in an overly nice tone): "Meg, I just want you and your friends to have a good time, so I have something for you." Peter lets out a gigantic fart and laughs his patented laugh.
Meg: "Dad, that was gross, get out!!!" Peter exits the room and shuts the door. Peter pops his head in a second later.
Peter (in a serious tone): "And don't EVER tell me I never gave you anything!" Peter closes the door again, but pops his head in a second later. Peter: "Hey, were you there when I farted? Hahahaha (patented laugh)". He shuts the door again.
Cut Back to Scene in Yard: The man lifts Stewie up into the back of the van then closes the door. On the door, there is a bumper sticker that reads "Proud Kidnapper of a Quahog Middle School Honor Student".
Stewie sits in the back of the van going hurriedly through a duffel bag full of candy.
Stewie: "This is like the Playboy Mansion of candy!" He stuffs his mouth full of chocolate. "You and I should... get... further... aquainted..." Stewie begins to trail off and he falls on the floor of the van unconscious.
The man goes back out and places a note on Rupert. The van speeds away. Lois comes out of the house and realizes that Stewie is gone. She finds the note and reads it aloud.
Lois: "I have your boy. If you want him returned, I will require 1 Million dollars. Please make checks payable to The Guy Who Kidnapped Stewie. I will contact you in 2 hours with further instructions" Lois rushes into the house.
INSIDE THE HOUSE: Peter is sitting on the couch watching TV. Lois enters the room in a frantic state.
Lois: "Peter, Peter, somebody took Stewie!"
Peter (monotone while still watching TV): "I'll pick one up next time I go to the hardware store."
Lois: "You're not listening, Stewie was kidnapped!"
Peter: "We JUST HAD beef stew for dinner last night, jeez, get some originality." Lois steps in between Peter and the TV. Peter tries to peer around her but gives up and finally looks her in the face. Meg, Chris and Brian come in from different directions and gather around Lois.
Meg: "Mom, what's going on?"
Chris (paranoid): "Does Dad have cancer?!? Is he gonna die?!? Why didn't you tell me ?!?" Chris begins his whiny cry and runs back upstairs. The family looks on in puzzlement.
Lois: "I just came in to answer the phone and when I came back out Stewie was gone!"
Brian: "And this is a problem why?"
Peter (to Lois): "Don't worry, we'll just solve this the way we solve all of our problems. I'll sit here and get drunk while you take the kids to a hotel for the night, then when you come back it'll be all better."
Lois: "Will you just go talk to Joe, he'll catch our crook."
Meg: "I'll start making missing child posters. We can get them printed on milk cartons, that usually works."
CUT SCENE: Some teenagers are sitting on a bench in the park. They are gathered around one teen laughing. The teen is holding a milk carton with a missing child on the back. The camera shows a close-up of him drawing a beard on the missing boy. He then pokes the pencil through the eyes on the carton.
Teen (mimicking the boy on the carton): "Oh no, look at me, I'm missing! I have no eyes but I can grow an impressive beard despite my young age!"
One of the girls looks up from the carton and shouts and points: "Hey, there he is! That's the real kid!" They spot the boy, who is extremely ragged and dirty, wandering through the park. The teenagers all get up, run over to the boy, then tackle him. The teen who had the carton begins to draw a beard on the boy, then we hear "ahhh, my eyes!" from the boy.
KIDNAPPERS SHACK: The point of view is Stewie's eyes opening. The kidnapper is standing above him with a smirk on his face.
Kidnapper: "Wake up little guy, we have fun things to do!"
Stewie (confused): What the deuce?!? Where am I???
Kidnapper: "Don't worry, I won't hurt you. You're gonna make me the money I need for my master plan once your family pays their ransom. "
Stewie: "Explain immediately!"
Kidnapper: "You see, I need about a million dollars to finish off my Ultra Death Ray, and that's where you come in."
Stewie: "HA! If only those infernal roaches actually had a mil... wait... did you say Ultra Death Ray?" The scene switches to the Kidnapper and Stewie standing by a drafting table full of blueprints for the death ray.
Stewie: "BRAVO! This is marvelous! If only I were the spawn of such genius..."
Kidnapper: "All you have to do is point it at what you want to die, push this red button, and BAM! They become a pile of particles.
Stewie: "Call the adoption agency, I'm sold on this situation! Your ideas are far superior to those of my real daddy."
CUT SCENE: Peter is standing in front of a wall with 3 doors. There are signs next to each of the doors. The first says "Women". The second says "Men". The third says "Gateway to Hell". He quickly swaps the "Men" and "Gateway to Hell" signs, then stands back and watches. A young man walks up and enters the "men's room" only to fall into the pit screaming as flames shoot up in his wake.
Peter: (trademark laugh) "Oh man, I can't believe he fell for that". The third door opens and Satan steps out.
Satan: "Are you Peter Griffin?"
Peter: "Uh.... no... I'm... uh... Jack Nicholson."
Satan "See you in 2 weeks, Jack."
SCENE AT JOE's HOUSE: Peter walks into Joe's back yard. Joe is agging Kevin on as he wrestles a bear. The bear is clearly overpowering Joe's son.
Joe: "Kick his ass! You'll never be a man until you get that bear to submit!" The bear and Kevin roll off screen. "Oh, hiya Peter, what's crackin?"
Peter: "Joe, you gotta help me, Stewie's been kidnapped. The guy wants a million dollars in ransom!"
Joe: "Holy crap! It's time to BUST US A CRIMINAL!!! How are you supposed to pay him?"
Peter: "He's calling in half an hour to tell us what to do."
Joe: "I'll set up my phone tap in your house so we can trace the call and bag this son of a bitch." Joe and Peter head towards the Griffin house. As they are walking away we hear a bear growling noise followed by a garbled "Help!" call.
INSIDE THE GRIFFINS KITCHEN: Joe is hooking up the phone tap while Peter and Lois look on.
Lois: "Are you sure this thing works Joe?"
Joe: "Well, you don't have a mirror in your pocket, I know that much." Lois has an angry expression come over her face. Joe finishes hooking it up. "There, now all we have to do is wait for him to call. We need to keep him on the line long enough for the trace to work."
Peter: "I'll handle that one. I'll work the old Peter Griffin magic to get our son back."
Lois: "Peter, you'll do more harm than good!"
Peter: "Relax Lois, I'll get him back. I've always been known for my negotiating skills..."
CUT SCENE:
The scene turns to a suicidal man on top of a 5 story building. The area is surrounded by police, including Peter. Peter is reading a book titled 'Reverse Psychology'. The book is upside down in his hand. A megaphone is in his other hand. Peter speaks into the megaphone sarcastically: "Sure, go ahead and jump, we'll all just stand here emotionless and watch you splatter on the ground." A loud thud is heard followed by shocked gasps. Peter: "Ah crap..." Peter looks down at the book. "Wow, there's a REVERSE psychology??" The chief of police walks up to him.
Chief: “Who the hell are you? And where did you get that megaphone?”
BACK IN THE SHACK: The kidnapper hands Stewie a keychain version of the Ultra Death Ray.
Kidnapper: This is the far less expensive original prototype of my weapon. Try it out. Just point it at those Ninja Turtles on the table."
Stewie lines up the gun and pushes the fire button. A small laser shoots out and one of the Ninja Turtles instantly melts into a pool of plastic.
Stewie (in a grim, confident voice): "Stewie's cooking Turtle soup... Are you quite sure that you've never planted your seed inside of my mother? It's like I'm looking at myself in the future."
Kidnapper: "I'm afraid not little guy, but you can keep that keychain as a souvenier of your kidnapping. Just don't point it at your parents, house pets, or police officers because it WILL cause them permanent harm. Ah, who am I kidding, have a blast! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make." The kidnapper takes out his cell phone and dials the Griffin house. At the Griffin house, Joe, Peter and Lois are still standing in the kitchen as the phone rings. Meg rushes in before them and picks up the phone.
Lois: "Meg, we're expecting a very important call!"
Meg: "But it might be a hot guy I gave my number to! Hello?"
Kidnapper: "Alright, let's keep this quick and easy. Do you have the money ready?"
Meg: "Well usually I wouldn't pay for it, but how hot are you?"
Kidnapper: "What the hell..." He hangs up the phone. (To Stewie) "Must have been a wrong number. There was some sex-starved guy on the other end."
(In the kitchen) Brian walks in to find out what's going on. Peter: "Meg, honey, we all know that no guy would ever call for you unless the world were coming to an end."
Brian: "That's debatable."
Peter: "Now you run along outside and play in your sandbox."
Meg: "Dad, I'm 16 years old."
Peter: "So, I played in sandboxes till I was 25."
CUT SCENE: Peter and an attractive woman are walking through a park holding hands. They walk up to a sandbox and stop.
Peter (with a romantic tone): "So Christine, have you ever done it in a sandbox?"
Christine: "No you big stud, but that can change." They step into the sandbox, embrace and begin to kiss. Suddenly the ground begins to shake.
Peter: "What the hell is that?" A giant killer worm bursts out of the sand beneath Christine and swallows her whole, and then it burrows again.
Peter: "Damn you Tremors! You win this time!"
AT THE SHACK:
Kidnapper: "Let's try this again." Dials... At the Griffin house, Chris rushes in and answers the phone.
Lois: "Chris, get off that phone!"
Chris: "I've been expecting you Agent Jones. I trust that this operation will go as planned."
Kidnapper: "Uh... sure. As long as there's no funny stuff. Do you have the money?"
Chris: "I'm all out, the evil monkey in my closet broke my piggy bank. Now I have to eat boogers for money. I'm the most popular kid in school."
The kidnapper slams the phone down. Kidnapper: "DAMMIT! I can build an insanely complex and laws-of-physics-defying death ray but I can't operate a common telephone!"
Peter: "Chris, you can play your secret agent games in the middle of the street, we have big people business to take care of."
Chris: "Oh boy! I love cars!" Chris runs off.
The phone rings again.
Joe: "That's him! Remember to keep him on the line Peter."
Peter: "Hello?"
Kidnapper: "Is this the Griffin residence?"
Peter: "Why, what are you trying to sell? How did you get this number? We don't want your crap around here!"
Stewie: "If he sounds delirious and retarded it's the right number."
Kidnapper: "I'm not selling anything you fool, I have your son."
Peter: "Oh, is that your plan? Get us all nice and locked in once you have our son then WHAM! Jack up the price. So what do you want for this so-called son of ours?"
Kidnapper: "A million dollars please."
Peter: "Lois, get my credit card. Will you be needing anything else, mother's maiden name? Social Security number?"
Kidnapper: "No, just the million will be fine. I'd like it left at the North entrance of the bus station in 2 hours in an unmarked briefcase. Once I have the money your son will be returned to you at the South entrance. Bring no one." He hangs up.
Joe: "Perfect, Peter. We got the trace. It's coming from a remote location in the woods just outside of Quahog."
Peter: "They always hang out where you least expect them."
Joe: "We can go there in my police cruiser, we should bring help though. I'll run home and call Cleveland, you call Quagmire."
Peter: "Okay Joe, good luck with 'running' home." Joe exits the house. Peter picks up the phone and dials Quagmire's number.
Quagmire: "Hello?"
Peter: "Hey Quagmire, you wanna help me and Joe bust a kidnapper and get my son back? It'll be fun."
Quagmire: "Sorry Peter, I'm a little busy right now, maybe next time." Quagmire hangs up and walks back over to the bar and continues trying to seduce a nun. "So baby, what you got on under that robe?"
Nun: "Now Glenn, don't be so hasty. What would Jesus do?"
CUT SCENE: Jesus is sitting at a bar trying to seduce a nun.
Jesus: "So baby, ever been with a Messiah before? I can turn water into wine and your night into a pleasure trip to heaven."
Nun: "Get lost. Come back once you're more than an overrated carpenter." Jesus stands up and backhands the Nun.
Jesus: "Do you know who I am? I'm Jesus Christ, bitch. Don't make me get my dad!"
Bartender: "Alright Jesus, you're cut off!"
Jesus: "No, my friend, you're the one who's cut off!" Jesus waves his hands and the bartender's head falls off. "WHO WANTS SOME?!?"
AT THE SHACK:
Kidnapper: "Well Stewie, in a couple hours you'll be back with your family and everything will be back to normal. That is until I annihilate the human race with my Ultra Death Ray."
Stewie: "No! You mustn't give me back! The red-headed one beats me! The dog bites me! The pasty white one with the scary nose and really high voice touches my special spots! Wait, scratch that one... but PLEASE let me stay!"
Kidnapper: "No can do little man. I gave up on having kids of my own a long time ago. I tried to start a family once but it was a horrible mistake. See, here’s the wife I built right here." He pulls a dusty cloth from a robotic woman and flips it on.
Robotic Wife (in robotic voice): "NAG. NAG. NAG. NAG. Don't you ever do anything around here?"
Kidnapper: "Robotic wife, can I have the guys over so we can play cards?" Robotic wife picks up a chair and smashes it over the kidnapper. He switches it off again. "See, the problem was that I made it too realistic."
IN THE GRIFFIN DRIVEWAY: Peter, Joe and Cleveland are standing in the driveway.
Peter: "OK, I have a plan. We'll go find this whacko's shack, get Stewie back, then come back and get drunk. It can't possibly fail!"
Joe: "I think we need a more concrete plan than that, Peter."
Peter: "Well, Cleveland, you're black. What's the best way to break in without being noticed?"
Cleveland (irritated): "Peter, being black has nothing to do with knowing how to break in to places. I only know because of that 'How to Rob a House' course I took in college."
Joe: "How about this. Peter, you sneak around back and make a distraction. Cleveland and I will infiltrate the front and find Stewie, then we'll LAY THE HAMMER DOWN ON THAT PUNK!!! OH YEAH!!!"
Cleveland: "Oh man, if I get killed on this mission Loretta's gonna kill me."
Peter: "Great plan Joe, I'm good at making distractions."
CUT SCENE: The family is sitting in an auditorium with a full crowd. A banner hangs above the stage that says "Steven Baldwin: Abstinence and You". A man comes up to the microphone.
Man: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Steven Baldwin!" Steven Baldwin begins to walk out.
Peter: "Man, I gotta get outta here." He pauses to look around. "FIRE!!! Ah! It burns!!!" Everyone panics and begins to rush out the door. Peter remains sitting in his seat. "Hahaha, people are so guttable." A flaming board then falls on Peter knocking him down.
IN THE POLICE CRUISER: Peter, Joe and Cleveland are heading into rural Quahog to find the kidnapper.
Joe (talking into the radio): "This is officer Swanson en route to the suspected hideout of the Griffin child kidnapper."
Dispatch: "Will you need any backup, Joe?"
Joe: "I should be fine. I have two of my buddies who aren't cops along with me. Peter alone could probably take about 10 bullets before any got through all the fat. Swanson over and out."
Peter: "Come on Joe, I'm right here. I could take at least 15, jeez." The police car pulls into a gravel driveway surrounded by trees. The three step out of the car.
Joe: "This is where the phone trace leads us to. Legally, I'm the only one that can carry a gun. So Cleveland, you get this police baton, and Peter, you get this wiffle bat."
Peter: "SWEET! I haven't used one of these since I was a kid."
CUT SCENE: Peter and his parents are sitting at the dinner table.
Peter's Mom: "Peter! Eat your peas!"
Peter: "Yes, mother." He pulls a wiffle bat from under the table and begins to furiously beat his plate with it, then stops.
Peter's Dad: "And in the name of Jesus, will you stop feeding that damn alien under the dinner table!" The camera cuts to under the table where Alf is crouched below Peter waiting for food. Peter leans his head under the table cloth.
Peter: "Sorry Alf, I can't feed you anymore." Alf begins to growl and leaps up at Peter, knocking his chair over. Alf grabs the wiffle bat and to furiously beat Peter with it while Peter screams.
Peter's Dad: "Keep it down son, we're tryin ta eat!"
AT THE GRIFFIN HOUSE: The family is watching Tom & Diane report about Stewie's kidnapping.
Tom: "Stewart Gilligan, son of Peter and Lois Griffin has been kidnapped from his home right here in Quahog. Early reports indicate that the boy was taken from his front yard while the parents were inside tying off."
Diane: "Such a tragedy, Tom. Not enough parents today understand that kids come first, THEN heroin. Here is an artist's conception of what the kidnapper may look like." A picture is shown of the figure wearing a hood and sunglasses that was supposed to be what the Unabomber looked like.
Tom: "If you see this man, report to police immediately. Again, this may not be him, as the police scetch artist is A. A duck, and B. Not very accurate. More on this story when somebody cares." Lois switches off the TV.
Lois: "This is outrageous! HEROIN?!? Your father and Joe better come through so we can set this straight."
Brian: "This is Peter we're talking about, he couldn't find the car in the driveway without asking for directions."
Lois: "I can't even bear to think of what it'll be like with 1 kid again."
Meg: "There's 3 of us, mom."
Lois: "What did you say Mark?"
Meg (disgruntled): "Nevermind..."
Chris: "Oh boy, I get to be the baby of the family again!" Chris squints his eyes and a farting noise is heard. "Hahaha, my bowels moved."
AT THE SHACK: Peter, Joe, and Cleveland are sneaking up to the shack. They come to a stop behind some bushes.
Joe: "OK Peter, this is your chance to shine. Sneak around back and make a distraction then we'll come in and save the day."
Peter: "What should I do for a distraction?"
Joe: "Just do whatever comes natural to you, now hurry!" Peter sneaks off around back. "Let's roll. Well, I'll do the rolling, you can walk or something. But I'll need help getting into the shack since it's not equipped with a wheelchair ramp."
Cleveland: "How politically incorrect."
INSIDE THE SHACK: Kidnapper: "Lets go little guy, I've got a date with a wad o' cash. It's been fun. If I ever concoct a baby in a test tube, I hope he turns out like you."
Stewie: "Very well then, I guess I'll just resume my place amongst the peons while you single-handedly rule the world..."
Peter (in a muffled voice from outside): "Holy crap, look! There's a naked man outside!"
Kidnapper: "What the deuce, where did that come from?" The kidnapper runs to the back of the shack and looks out the window. Peter is posing outside of the window completely nude. "Ah!"
Peter: "Ah!" The kidnapper shields his eyes and begins to back away from the window. He trips over a stool, falls backwards, then hits his head on a table. The kidnapper lays unconscious. Joe and Cleveland burst through the door and run up to the unconscious kidnapper.
Joe: "Freeze dirtbag!!!"
Cleveland: "I think he IS frozen." Peter walks in the front door while Joe and Cleveland are still looking at the kidnapper. Peter walks up behind them still wearing no clothes, but holding them in his hand.
Joe: "Great distraction Peter." They begin to turn around to face Peter "What did you... DEAR GOD PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
Peter: "Alright, fine, I was just doing what came naturally to me." Peter begins to put his clothes on.
Cleveland: "Sometimes nature can be ugly. That's when you hide from it." The camera switches to Stewie hiding under the bed watching the scene unfold.
Stewie: "Blast, I can't allow them to locate me. If only doctor bumbles hadn't stumbled... Wait, of course!" Stewie crawls over to Robotic Wife and switches her on. Stewie quickly crawls back under the bed. Robotic Wife's evil red eyes light up and she rolls forward.
Roboic Wife: "NAG. NAG. NAG."
Peter: "What the hell is that?" Robotic Wife rolls up to Peter.
Robotic Wife: "I'm angry with you, husband."
Peter: "Why? We just met."
Robotic Wife: "You should know why. NAG. NAG."
Peter: "No clue." Robotic Wife reaches out, picks up Peter, then slams him through the table.
Joe: "WHOA, this thing is dangerous! We need to stop it!"
Robotic Wife: "I am PMS'ing. Go to the store and get me some tampons."
Cleveland: "Not a chance." One of Robotic Wife's hands turns into a tazer. She zaps Cleveland with it. His hair poofs out to a full-sized afro then he falls over, his body smoking.
Robotic Wife (to Joe): "NAG. NAG. NAG."
Joe: "Why are you so upset? We mean no harm."
Robotic Wife: "If your penis worked half as well as your legs I would not be angry."
Joe: "Oh, that's it!" Joe pulls out his gun and fires off 3 rounds. Robotic Wife stands there temporarily stunned. She then rolls over to Joe, spins him around and pushes him across the room and through the front door. Stewie jumps out from under the bed.
Stewie: "Victory is mine!" Robotic wife turns to Stewie.
Robotic Wife: "It's time for you to take a nap young man."
Stewie: "NOOOOOOOOO!" Robotic Wife picks up Stewie and throws him into the bed. He bounces into the wall.
Robotic Wife: "Time to burn the trash." One of her hands turns into a flamethrower as she rolls over to Peter. Just then Quagmire appears in the front door.
Quagmire: "Hey baby. You look like you need your circuitboards spanked. You see, the Q-Man is like a robot. All the parts work but there's no emotions. OH!"
Robotic Wife: "Are you talking to me?"
Quagmire: "Only for now. After this, it's 'gettin it on' from here on out. Gigiddy gigiddy gigiddy!" The camera cuts to Quagmire and Robotic Wife in the bed. Robotic Wife is in a smoking heap of parts and Quagmire is laying under the covers. "So,do you smoke after sex?"
Stewie (in a muffled voice): "In the name of Gilgamesh, get me out of here!" Quagmire reaches under the covers and pulls Stewie out.
Quagmire: "Whoa, hey there Stewie. I didn't know that was a 3-some."
Stewie: "Why you intolerable swine of a pig of a man! Unhand me before I catch whatever festering disease is inhabiting you this month!" Peter and Cleveland begin to slowly get up.
Peter: "Quagmire! You beat the robot chick and found my boy. How did you do it?" Quagmire hands Stewie over to Peter.
Quagmire: "Well first I pryed open her va... oh, I'll spare you the details. It was just a case of hot robot lovin. Alllright."
Cleveland: "But how did you know where we were?"
Quagmire: "After that nun beat me with her Bible and left, I flipped on the police scanner and heard you guys. I came out here to watch you mess it up until I found this hot little number next to me."
Peter: "Awww, thanks Quagmire. If there's ever a female robot kicking your ass, I'll come and have sex with it. Hey, where's Joe?"
Joe (from outside): "HELP!" The 3 of them run outside to find Joe out of his wheelchair with his head stuck between 2 railing posts.
Peter: "Jeez, Joe. You could've helped us instead of sitting out here on the porch."
Joe: "Just shut up and get me out of here."
AT THE GRIFFIN HOUSE: The family is sitting in the living room in anticipation. Peter walks in holding Stewie.
Peter: "Guess who's back!"
Lois: "STEWIE!"
Peter: "Oh... yeah... he's here too." Everyone jumps up. Lois rushes over and takes Stewie in her arms.
Lois: "Oh I was so worried honey. I'm so glad you're back. Now we can all be a happy family again." The camera switches to a close-up of Stewie's face. His eyes narrow in a sinister way as he is clutching his Death Ray keychain.
Stewie: "Oh we'll be happy alright..."
CREDITS