Have you ever heard some of the things athletes say after winning the championship? Some of them are valid like "We worked hard all year and had some great coaching and great fans." Then there are other maddening quotes like "I want to thank God for giving me the talent and our team the direction for this glorious victory!" Do these guys really think that god has nothing better to do than play favorites with athletes and their teams? No, he has plenty of better things to do. He has floods and famines to administer and atheist webmasters to strike down upon. Do they really think that god rewards them with "the right stuff" because they slept with fewer diseased strippers than the rest of the players? Well, athletes never were known for their intelligence...
The logic behind divine intervention is about as shoddy as an Apple computer. There is no logic. It's really an egotistical thing if you look at it. These people think that they are (literally) god's gift to professional sports and no one can stop them. Call my concept of history flawed, but I don't exactly think Jesus was a baller tearing up the dirt courts of Jerusalem. He may have performed "miracles" but Michael Jordan would mop the floor with his cross-bearing ass. But really, if this heavenly assistance were true, then why does a different team win practically every year? Picture god sitting in heaven saying "Let's see... Florida Marlins 300 prayers, New York Yankees 250. Looks like the 'fish are winning the Series this year." But what about the Cubs? They haven't been to the World Series for 59 years and haven't won it for 96 years. That's pure insanity. It must have been all those crosses that William Wrigley burned on the streets of Chicago after the '08 Series that did them in for all eternity. That and the time that he made baseballs out of innocent children's skin and gave them away to the first 5,000 innocent children at the next game. Those are selling on E-Bay now for over $2 Million.
If god were running professional sports, would he really have football be the most watched sport? Do you know how many husbands beg and plead with their wives on Sunday mornings to stay home and watch football rather than going to church? If there weren't such a concept as being "pussy whipped," Reverend Dimmesdale wouldn't have any sheep to project events of the New Testament onto. All of the sheep would be at home sipping a fine brew and being a die-hard "Packer Backer." With that, I move on to my paragraph(s) that outline how much I truly hate the Green Bay Packers organization..
To begin with, aren't you committing sin when you consider a trip to Lambeau Field a pilgrimage? It's not a holy land, it's just a fucking 80 year old stadium. The stadium turf is not enchanted with the likes of Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi's blood and saliva, it's just dirt and it probably isn't the same dirt that was there 40 years ago so get over it already. Secondly, the Packers' colors are NOT "green and gold." Check your fucking eyes, that's yellow, not gold. Gold is that color that the 49ers have because they are named after the GOLD prospectors of 1849. I'm impressed with your pathetic attempt at alliteration in between bow and rifle huntin' season, but at least make it tangible, dipshits.
One thing that is dying to be analyzed is their choice of a team name. The Packers. Somewhere (pretty much everywhere that isn't Wisconsin) someone is Butthead-like "Huh huh" laughing at their name. Granted a "packer" meant much different things in 1920, in modern days the innuendo can't be ignored. It should be changed by political correctness activists (morons otherwise) on the grounds that it permeates homosexual behavior by its players, and probably by the fans. I think I saw an episode of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy last week where they suggested wearing a giant wedge of cheese on one's head because it was "masculine yet feminine, while looking wholly ridiculous at the same time." Just pretend that I've actually seen that show for the sake of my argument. What if the Packers were to move to San Francisco? Then my viewpoint's validity increases tenfold. If retards can change a great name like the NBA's Washington Bullets to something fantastically lame like the Washington Wizards because it suggested violence, then surely we can do something about the ass pounding suggestiveness that emanates from Green Bay. Am I right?
With about a month left in this past season, Brett Favre's father passed away suddenly of a heart attack. The Packers were fighting for a playoff spot at the time and needed to win their remaining games. The day after his father's passing Favre and the Packers had to play on Monday Night Football against the Raiders. Favre came out inspired and threw for an insane amount of yards and 4 touchdowns. He was no doubt dedicating the game to his father and was filled with adrenaline because of it. More power to him. So after the game, that's it, right? End of discussion, let's all cry and move on. That sure as fuck didn't happen though. The Packers won their last 4 games in a row and had to rely on a highly incompetent team beating the Vikings on a miracle play at the end of the game to put the Packers in the playoffs. All through the last month, all you heard after every win was about how Brett Favre's dad was guiding the team to victory and they were "destined" to go all the way. What you didn't hear though is that out of the last 4 teams the Packers played, only one of the teams was even remotely in playoff contention. That team was resting its starters for the playoffs when they played the Packers, essentially forfeiting the game. The rest of the teams were the football equivalent of an enema to their fans. For a team that had to trounce floundering teams consecutively, then rely on a complete fluke to get in the playoffs, the Packers were being given way too much credit by the media. They touted how "in touch with the man upstairs" the team was and how there was no way they could be stopped. They painted the picture that Favre's dad and god were sitting in heaven with puppet strings controlling each and every player. Well you know what? I've heard the term "team of destiny" so much in reference to the other playoff teams that it's lost all meaning. Only one team can be the "team of destiny" you fucking idiots. It's like saying that all of the presidential candidates are "destined" to win the race just so you sound like you magically know the fate of a person. Good job, moron, you've mastered the art of the educated guess.
Once the playoffs started, the Packers, again, had to rely on a fluke play. They had the first overtime interception for a touchdown in NFL history to beat Seattle. This only fueled the "destiny" drivers and my madness. The Packers then had to go into Philadelphia to face the best team in the NFC. Surely destiny and divine intervention are more overwhelming than violent battery-chucking Philly fans. The Packers got off to a 14-0 1st quarter lead but scored only 3 points the rest of the game. With the Pack leading 17-14 with less than 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter, the Eagles faced an impossible 4th down and 26th to keep their final drive going. All the Packers had to do was prevent the Eagles from gaining 26 yards or more on one play and it was GAME OVER. Surely this is a simple task for the team with the lord on its side. But what's this? The Eagles get 28 yards, then later kick a field goal to send it to overtime. God is just playing with the fans for a good laugh, though.. The Packers will no doubt persevere in OT and go on to greatness. However, in overtime the Packer defense ate a dick and allowed the Eagles to win. Whoops, they should change their colors to purple, because they are choking. Game over, good night, light up the blunt, this one is done.
While I feel for the Packer fans a little on account of their team monumentally choking (like my Cubs did in the playoffs last year), all the bullshit they spewed on the journey greatly outweighs it. In the aftermath, I was able to count the number of times I heard the word "destiny" uttered in reference to Green Bay on zero fingers. There was no more talk of it because everyone just conveniently forgot about it so as to not appear full of shit and horribly feeble. Ding ding! Grand Master Bullshit wins again by total knockout! Where's your divine intervention now? I guess god switched sides just to be a dick.
I'm destined to be right about everything and society has proven my words true more often than not