One would think that in the good old US of A doing something simple, but highly American still, like buying a TV would be simple. Tonight I found out that was not the truth. I will share with you my night of dealing with desperate middle-aged balding men, acute crackheads, and uneducated baboons at the most ungodly painful and annoying place to shop, Best Buy. This is not one of my "slightly altered-state fantasy stories", the service actually WAS that bad.
I was getting tired of having to practically use binoculars to see my then-current television set one Saturday night. I suppose getting up out of my bed and sitting in a chair which is closer would help, but that's simply too much goddamn work. I felt the bulge in my wallet generated by working and my birthday and decided to continue my splurge of materialisticness (this the night after purchasing a new glass pipe and a 2 foot tall glass bong, for tobacco use only of course) by going and getting a shiny new boob tube. My good friend Forrest happened to be going to Best Buy in the wanna-be Milwaukee town of Menomonee Falls so I hitched a ride with him and we were on our way. After having a mildly lengthy discussion on why we are afraid of black people, we arrived.
We walked into the store to the typical nerd/old guy/overly friendly nujob greeting us. Few things agitate my middle finger like people that are paid to act friendly towards every customer that walks in the door. There is no reason for it, it does not brighten my day, and after I walk away there is no lasting emotional significance to it. The next time I see a former World War II Vet wearing a vest covered in smiley faces at Wal-Mart, I'm breaking his hip with a shopping cart. I always wipe the smile off their face when they say hi to me by replying "what's up asshole" in an overly friendly tone.
When we reached the section with the TVs I was walking around the section looking for the TVs in the price range I was after. A small clan of 5 employees was helping ONE PERSON pick out a TV while I was wandering around. The irritating part was that every one of them said hi to us without offering help then quickly went back to the guy with the mullet droning on about "pixels per square inch". We at last found the TV's we were after and began to evaluate them. After about 15 minutes of self-debate I opted for the RCA 24 inch on the end. I started to look at the boxes below the displays and of course the one I wanted was halfway on the other side of the shelf from where its display was. This is why they should stop hiring illiterate monkeys to stock shelves, they can't read so they stock the boxes in a completely ass-backwards manner. After I made my selection, I felt like checking out the insane plasma and HDTV screens just for the hell of it. While marveling at these, a Best Buy employee sauntered over and offered his assistance. I promptly shrugged him off, and his plot to get that commission money was denied. How desperate must these people be? They are asking two 18 year olds if they need help finding the $4000 TV that they obviously have the cash for. Not 5 minutes later another "helper" came over and was denied again. When these buffoons see people that aren't already being helped, they swoop in to get whatever they can. I liken it to a flock of sharks ripping apart a small child in a swimming pool. They all try to get their shots in for some sweet young flesh (or commission money, which is similar in a way...) This is similar in all fields of retail sales. I'd have to say a whopping 90% of people hired in any computer department don't know a lick of what they're talking about. They latch onto you like surgical leeches to help you pick out "the perfect PC". They then try to force-feed you their 4-year service plan and stuff a digital camera up your ass for JUST $299 more. They attempt to sound intelligent by talking about Windows (which obviously takes a 4 year degree at Harvard to learn about) and how it has improved internet connectivity. Wow, connectivity, that's 5 syllables, you're really moving up in the world. Get a promotion to assistant Guy With His Head Up His Ass why don't you? These pizza-face greaseballs maintain a confident composure until you mention a complex computer term like "Pentium Processor". After that, they are at your mercy. You can almost see the beads of sweat forming on their forehead and their collar getting tighter. The ones that are especially overqualified for the position deposit a puddle on the floor. After seeing all that plasma screens had to offer, I went back to get my TV.
When I found the box I realized that I needed one of those mental patients in the blue shirts to get me a flatbed cart. We started looking for one but suddenly the floor was completely void of them. This is the personal mission statement of all Best Buy employees: "Bug the living fuck out of them when they don't need your help, but when they do need you, disappear." After walking halfway across the store I found one of them standing and having a friendly chat with a fellow employee, obviously carrying out their mission to infuriate me. I walked up to the guy and said blatantly, "I want a TV." He said "Alright, go get a flatbed cart and put it on there and we can ring you up here in the video department." What's this? Mr. I'm So Much Help is making me get my cart and put my TV on it? If it was legal in Best Buy, I would have jammed a camcorder through his torso.
I went off to fetch my flatbed cart only to see another one of the employees doing the same thing FOR somebody else. Being 18 now, I thought I was legally considered an adult and the government promises me so much more respect than somebody a meager month younger that me, but I thought wrong. Maneuvering the cart around the store proved difficult since the wheels were more crooked than a modern day corporate CEO. One lost customer got in my way and although he saw me coming directly towards him, he did not attempt to move until I was 2 feet from crushing his shins with the cart. He apologized. Sorry for what? As a great one-balled teacher once told Allen, "Don't be sorry for being stupid!" It's not a complex decision in life. Flatbed cart + coming towards you does not equal stand there and unconsciously drool all over yourself while I run you over. I made a cut through one of the aisles which was occupied by one elderly consumer. He stepped backwards onto the low shelf and crushed some random products in order to avoid me. At least I got some satisfaction (a.k.a destruction) on my trip for the cart.
I arrived at my TV and loaded it onto the cart, then headed to the video department register where I was promised a checkout. Much to my lack of a surprise, nobody was there. What was their mission statement again? I decided to drag others down with me by positioning my cart in the way of an entire aisle which forced a family of 4 to walk around that aisle too look at camcorders. I killed time by looking at the camcorders and their features. They have some crazy effects now like the "Thin" feature that makes everything appear thinner than it is. This feature was no doubt developed by drunk people that want to try to justify that supposed whale that they slept with last night with video proof. I'm sure all good husbands also use this feature when recording their wives after the age of 40 (the proverbial "balloon" age where chins multiply exponentially). After about a 10 minute wait, the same acute crackhead came over to ring up my TV. I gave him the cash and he opened the register to find that there was no drawer in it which completely baffled him. After phoning a manager, he explained to me that they only do cash transactions up front. Way to know how your department works genius. Instead of buying a TV I should pay for a full frontal lobotomy for you which would probably improve your brain functions tenfold.
I followed him up to the front but of course I was pushing the cart while he walked merrily along with his thumb firmly positioned in his rectum. After I crashed into a CD-R display while making a turn, he FINALLY took control of the cart. Thank you so much sir for pushing the cart the final 10 feet to the register after I pushed it the length of the store twice, once with a TV on it. You deserve a treat. Next time I come here, all you have to do is suck on my exhaust pipe for about 5 minutes to get your treat. On second thought, that would be a treat for me, which I'm not overly opposed to. We reached the counter and a black girl named LaKeysha came over to ring up my TV yet again. Where do black people come up with their names anymore? Sometimes I think it's a matter of throwing a bunch of Scrabble tiles into an uncovered blender and ordering them by which ones come out first. Other times, I just think they are trying to say the alphabet. After scanning the TV, I handed LaKeysha my wad of cash. After unsuccessfully attempting to count my money three times she claimed "You'll haf ta eskyooze me, I'm jus not right taday." Just not right or just can't count? I'm a betting man and I would bet each of my future illegitimate first-borns on the latter. The fact that she claimed it was only an occurrence of that particular day was also a damn lie. I don't think I remember a particular day in which I could not count up to 200 by 20, including the day I had a nasty case of those worms that feast on your brain. You's jest stoopid gir-friend.
After the LaKeysha ordeal, I began to wheel my TV out while Tweedle-dee went back to being the god of the department with no drawer, and Tweedle-dumb went back to remedial math class. So Forrest and I were on our own once again to get my new purchase into his Nissan Maxima. One would think that two guys with a knack for electronics would consider the ancient mysteries of volume of car versus size of TV box before the trip but it didn't happen. This phenomenon wasn't considered until we reached the car and we realized it was just a bit too big to cram into the back seat. Other options were considered. Forrest took his subwoofer box out of the trunk and put it in the back seat but of course the TV wasn't even close to going into the trunk. Our next option was to cram it into the front passenger seat because the front doors had a wider opening. Our conjecture was correct but alas, the box was jammed right up against the shifting knob making the trip home a long, cold push. We yanked it out again and back onto the cart it went. Exhausted from all of the lifting and shifting, I again asked myself "What is their mission statement again?" Forrest then had a stroke of genius by suggesting we take the TV out of the box and put it in the back seat, some advanced physics that had not occurred to us on our first attempt at the back seat. This proved to be highly effective and it went right in. I took the cart back while Forrest warmed the car up. On the way back to the store with the cart, I walked past something that further enriched my disgust at my shopping trip. I saw 2 Best Buy cronies lifting a TV into a black man's van while he stood there and watched without lifting a finger. Jesus hates me, he really does. What do I have to do short of a lengthy bloody massacre with a side of a police standoff to get one of these fuckheads to do the bitch work for me like they are supposed to?!? After I got back to Forrest's car I decided that I needed a little revenge for all of their ignorance, so we left the box sitting in the middle of the parking lot where it was most likely occupied within 5 minutes by a homeless person looking for a house upgrade.
I am disgusted with myself for bringing joy to a homeless person