Celebrity Election

Celebrities That SHOULD Run For Political Office

"Gray Davis, you have been Governated"

As if California weren't enough of a joke already with only enough electricity to run the lights in the plastic surgeons' offices, the number 1 breeding ground for AIDS (San Francisco), and a certain place where the children go in but never come out (Neverland Ranch), a drove of celebrities have decided that they know how to run an entire state and are running for governor in October 7th's recall election of incumbent (and supreme shiteater) Gray Davis. Speaking of San Francisco, we should lay a ton of dynamite underground on the borders of San Francisco and blast it off into the Pacific simply for being the setting of the 90's family incest clinic of a sitcom, in Full House. Seriously, with that many members of a family living together in a house (especially with those no-talent Olsen twins walking around spouting "cute" lines that make it burn when I pee) there can be no harmony. It can only lead to one of two outcomes if it were in the "real world" (yes, there used to be one before reality TV) which are A.) A kick-ass bloody massacre which I would watch, or B.) A humongous incestral orgy followed by a kick-ass bloody massacre which is carried out by yours truly. Then there's Uncle Jessie. John Stamos himself. How did that greasy fudgepacker hook up with a boner-fest like Rebecca Romijn? What was she thinking? Then, all of a sudden Uncle Jessie is the perfect pitch-man for 10-10-(insert 3 digit number here) after falling off the face of the planet when Full House ended like 10 years ago. Fuckin-a. I seem to have gotten off topic.

Ah, yes. California. The list of candidates has reached nearly 200. Some of them are actual politicians (which warrants no respect) but the leading candidates are Hollywood celebrities who know as much about politics as quantum physics. Some of the colorful candidates include poll-leader Arnold Schwarzenegger, short-stuff Gary Coleman, Penthouse guru Larry Flynt, and watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher. Would you want any of these fruits solving your state's 32 billion dollar budget deficit? Arnold would create a bigger deficit by funding all the public school's sports teams with steroids and sawed-off shotguns, Gary Coleman can't even see above the podium to give a speech, Larry Flynt is a fat horny piece of shit (and anyone who is portrayed in a movie by Woody Harrelson should be gassed), and Gallagher, well, smashes watermelons. I read of one actual politician (again, not a big accomplishment) that dropped out of the race because it was too much of a circus. Circus, that word sounds about right for this election. It has midgets, elephants, and bearded ladies (probably). Only in America can we replace professional liars with people who make a living being someone that they are not. What a country.

So, seeing as how this is America and when someone popular (or something populous in this case) starts a new trend, all the other mindless insecure drones feel that they need to follow it to fit in. I'm going to go out on a limb and make a bold prediction by saying that by the time the 2004 presidential election rolls around the ballot will be more packed with celebrities than the exit of a movie theater in the middle of a showing of "Gigli". So what I'm going to do is give a little preview of who you may have to choose from (if you are old enough to vote) in the 2004 presidential election. At the end of this column you can vote for who you think should win. I'm calling it

Bullshit Central's 2004 Celebrity Presidential Preliminary That Has No Actual Effect on the Outcome But I'm Doing It Anyway Just For the Fuck of it and If You Don't Like How Many Words are in the Title of it You Can Eat Me

Don't say that in one breath. How this works is I list the candidate and a mugshot of him/them and give their campaign slogan, goals for the country, pros, and cons. If you don't understand, write idiot across your forehead and kindly click the back button on your browser. Now that I have most of you still with me, let's begin.

The Three Stooges:

Slogan: "Lower taxes and a better life for your children, you knuckleheads!"
Goals:

Pros: Have experience on all levels of the employment ladder. Have knowledge on how to escape a tough situation with hilarious antics. Never seem to get permanently hurt (which comes in handy on assassination attempts.)
Cons: Not all enemy soldiers fall for the "waving one hand in front of their face then slapping them with the other hand" technique. They are all kinda dead.

J-Lo:

Slogan: "Talent? Politics? What are those? I just want to be on TV talking about stuff I have no clue about."
Goals:

Pros: It would shut the fucking feminist Nazis up. She's better to look at than old wrinkly men.
Cons: Whenever it's "that time of the month" a new third-world country will be taken over. The First Man of the White House is a revolving door. The National Anthem will be changed constantly to whatever new shitty single she comes out with.

Mike Tyson:

Slogan: "Thith tattoo on my fathe ith better than that thilly red mark Gorbachev had."
Goals:

Pros: He's a real ladies man, even without their consent. He can negotiate treaties in a second with a quick right hook
Cons: Seems to have a thing for wanting to eat children. Imagine his lispy girly voice saying "Unleath the nukths!" He would probably let Don King be Speaker of the House, in which case no member of the House would EVER be able to get a word in while in session. 

Snoop Dogg:

Slogan: "Castizzle yo votizzle fo tha Doggizzle or I capizzle yo Grandmizzle."
Goals:

Pros: Will have sexual relations wit bitches (interns) that are a lot better than Monica Lewinsky. The Oval Office will have a large sunroof installed for the, uh, plants that decorate it. Can bust a mad rhyme on any country that pisses us off.
Cons: The White House lawn caretakers may mistake his hair for a shrub. There is no Department of Schizzling My Nizzle in the Cabinet. His inaugural speech may start out "As your president... dude... what were we talking about???"

Eric Cartman:

Slogan: "Why don't you stop dressing me up like the mailman and having sex on my dad's bed with 3 guys I don't even know, then vote for me GOD DAMMIT!"
Goals:

Pros: Would make a good Commander-in-Chief because he lead the 21st Drunken Infantry to victory in the Civil War reenactment. Knows what the founding fathers wanted since he traveled back in time and learned the "Have Your Cake and Eat it too" philosophy regarding war protesters and pro-war assholes.
Cons: Would have to keep his hermaphrodite mother away from his entire staff. Terrance and Phillip don't make good diplomats. Would usher in more political correctness by changing "fat" to "big boned".

Michael Jackson:

Slogan: "Never in history have we had a black president, and we still won't if you elect me, a-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
Goals:

Pros: Will take time out of busy schedule to play Santa on the steps of the Capitol Building. Will make a statement for diversity by appointing Bubbles the Monkey as Secretary of State. Any bullets fired at him will bounce off of all the plastic in his face.
Cons: Has gone through more noses than The Great Sphinx. He's really fucking creepy. His way of showing peace would be to dangle our allies' leader out of a window with a towel over their head.

Frank Stallone:

Slogan: "Just who should you be voting for? ... You guessed it, Frank Stallone"
Goals:

Pros: N/A
Cons: Nobody knows jack shit about him. Can't seem to get out of the 80's.

Beavis and Butthead:

Slogan: Butthead: "Uhhh... did you say we're in an erection? Huh huh..." Beavis: "I wanna watch TV, dammit!"
Goals:

Pros: Show that they are still common men by whhhacking off in Anderson's tool shed daily. Butthead will start off any speech with one of the following words: long, butt, wood, hard, extend, hey baby, etc... They will ensure that no chicks are harmed in any war, as long as they score.
Cons: N/A, Beavis and Butthead fucking rule!

There you have it. Cast Your vote below.

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I would run for governor of California and DOMINATE, foo.

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