2004 is here and Dubya Bush can feel the cold clammy hand of death on his shoulder. With his approval rating at an all-time record low, things aren't looking up for the Airhead Administration. I'm no prognosticator but it looks like John Kerry will be our next president. Whether or not that is a good thing, I don't know. But the silver lining is that Bush will be gone and will befuddle this country no more with his made-up words. It's ok for me to make up words (like Cockshitballs) because I'm not the leader of the free world. But I would hope that our next leader is able to read a piece of paper and not sound like a midget with his arm caught in a blender while speaking.
I will admit that I wanted Bush to win the election in 2000, but as a lot of people said that year, it was a choice between two shitty candidates, and it was up to us to decide who sucked less. I opted for Bush because I would've hated to see Gore and his pro-censorship nanny-for-the-public jewbag running mate Joe Liebermann in office pushing their morals onto us. As if the candidates weren't awful enough, it took a grueling recount process and court decisions just to decide the damn thing. Even then the guy with fewer votes won. Wonderful system we have, isn't it?
Over time Bush showed what a simpleton he is and drove his approval rating to the level of Mongolian poverty. So now election year has come and the undertaker is all but ready to take him down. I think our entire country's IQ dropped a few points under his regime and it's high time for him to get the fuck out. So just in case you're undecided on who to vote for, or if you're one of those ignoramuses that only votes for one party no matter who is running, I'm here to help. I will now provide the Top 10 Reasons to Not Re-Elect George W. Bush. If you still don't see the light by the end of this column, Allen help us all, we may be in for another 4 years of idiocy.
10. Dick Cheney is a douche: Is it just me or has he been the most insignificant vice president since Spiro Agnew?
Can anybody honestly think of one significant thing Dick Cheney has done in his 3+ years in office? Since 9/11
he's been too pussy to show his face anywhere with Dubya so he just sits in a bomb shelter somewhere and gives himself
a "Stranger". Before the 2000 election I heard several jokes about how Cheney was really going to be the
one in charge because Dubya was too dumb to make decisions. Obviously that hasn't happened because Bush has had free
reign on stupid decisions while in office. We need to get back to colonial days when vice presidents were perennial
ass-kickers. Aaron Burr (who is related to my family somehow) was the VP under Thomas Jefferson and he shot the shit out
of Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Politicians dont do anything cool like that anymore. Burr got screwed over though because Hamilton
ended up with his sorry ass on the $10 bill while Burr got accused of treason. Bullshit.
9. Tax breaks for the rich and "Trickle down economics": In an attempt to bring the economy out of the shitter, Dubya worked out the third largest tax cut in history with congress. The problem with this event was that it was only beneficial to the richest 1% of American Citizens (Source: Baltimore Business Journal). THANKS FOR THE BREAK JACKASS. This tax cut was supposed to work under the inane concept of what Republicans call "Trickle Down Economics". T.D.E., in theory (and a very poor one at that), means giving more money to the rich, and they in turn spend more money which goes to other people, and it will eventually "trickle down" to the middle and lower class. I'm quite sure that all the money rich guys buy new yachts and gorillas and whatnot with doesn't ever get down to me. It just goes to the rich guys that are selling the yachts so they can in turn buy that Cadillac Snoop DeVille they've had their eye on. The only thing that trickles down is the blood and sweat of the middle and lower class as they continue to bust their balls to make a living. Genius plan, Dumbya.
8. He's more concerned with gay marriage than Mr.Garrison and Mr. Slave: Bush has been actively trying to prevent
gay people from getting married as of late. I think he's just jealous but there may be other motives. The
main underlying reason is that a lot of Dubya's baby boomer generation has yet to accept the fact that people have alternate
lifestyles but are still humans nonetheless. Bush wants to stop them from getting what they want because they are different.
I really have no opinion on this issue because it doesn't concern me but I think it's fucked up that the government
is trying to stop people from living their lifestyle. Dubya is all gung-ho about "preserving the sanctity of marriage"
and other assorted garbage like that. When are they going to wake up and realize that THERE IS NO SANCTITY IN MARRIAGE
anymore? The divorce rate today is a whopping 49% (Source: Divorce Magazine.com). That is the antichrist of sanctity right there. People nowadays
don't take marriage seriously enough. They just jump right into it without a stable relationship first and start producing
the moron kids that I pick on every day. Then after about six months they get sick of being tied down and start cheating
then get a divorce. You could literally gamble on whether or not someone will get divorced because of the 49/51 ratio.
Nowadays marriage isn't a bond of love, it's just a status label. It sounds a lot more official and important when you
refer to your "wife" instead of your "girlfriend". It's a "Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name" world out there
today, hetero or homo.
7. He still believes in Santa Clause (probably).
6. Without 9/11, his approval rating would be ZERO: If you take away all the people that think we're actually getting closer to
ending terrorism, how many people out there are sitting there thinking "Man that Bush is doing a good job. We're so much better
off since he was elected."? There aren't many. Dubya has been riding the 9/11 Pro-Patriotism wave since it happened. He's even
using it in his campaign ads this year. Why is he looked upon positively for it when it happened on his watch? Nothing is proven
yet but there is a panel investigating whether or not the government knew about the 9/11 attacks ahead of time
and if we find out that they did, the dung is going to hit the propeller. One of the first
things I thought after it happened was "Man, the government really let us down" because it exposed how vulnerable we are to attacks. The problem is most people rallied behind
the Bush Administration after it because we promised vengeance when it may have been prevented altogether. That's like raising
thousands of dollars for someone with lung cancer when they have been smoking for 50 years. It's their fault they are in that
situation so why do they become a hero because of it?
5.Iraq: The most recent and current war with Iraq is the most controversial military operation since Vietnam. Dubya justified it by saying it was part of eliminating terrorism. He preached about all the "specific intelligence" we had about Saddam and his fabled weapons of mass destruction. He painted the picture that Saddam was sitting in the desert somewhere on a pile of Monkey Pox missiles just waiting to infect our population. He claimed Saddam was such a threat to us all and how he gassed his own people. Truth is, that happened once in 1989 and it was in response to unrest in Iraq stirred up by a bunch of Kurds (not the delicious cheese kind). So yes, he did gas some people, but only six months after that OUR COUNTRY LEANT HIM A BILLION DOLLARS (Source: mondediplo.com). Obviously we didn't care too much back then, but now that we think it could happen to us it needs to be stopped. Besides, what happened here in the south during the race riots of the 1960's? The black people were holding PEACEFUL protests and they had attack dogs, fire hoses and the national guard turned on them. See any parallels? If you don't think that sounds bad, go piss off a firefighter to the point where he blasts you with a fire hose and see if you survive. Even after the U.N. looked around Iraq and found nothing, Bush was still convinced of the weapons' existence so we went to war. We ousted the Hussein regime quickly but have found absolutely NOTHING. Apparently your "intellingence" is more like "ignorance". But wait, don't WE have weapons of mass destruction? So it's ok for us to have them but nobody else? I don't think Iraq would have attacked us with anything out of fear of another war and getting taken over. Oh wait, that happened without them doing diddly-fucking-squat. We can't just take over every single country that has a few tents in the desert with al-Quaida members in it. That's called IMPERIALISM. So with all of this suspect information, you have to think of unspoken reasons for the war. Hmm... let's see... Bush senior tried his damndest to get Saddam out of Iraq... could Dubya be trying to finish his father's agenda?
4. Dude can't speak English: As I mentioned previously, Dumbya can't even get his speeches out right. I don't know if it's because
of the crack team of chimps that write his speeches or his 3rd grade reading level, but it's pitiful on the podium. Leave the
grammatical failures to the Brandon Randoms, Dubya. There was a popular desk calendar out last year called
"Don't Misunderestimate Me": A 365 day tribute to George Bush. This calendar had a stupid quote from Dumbya for EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR.
I would expect this from someone that watches MTV every day but not our president.
The calendar contained such hilarity, it was among the top ten selling calendars
of the year.
3. The Pretzel & other buffoonery: He choked on a goddamn pretzel and passed out. This happened last Thanksgiving while he was watching football at the White House. If a pretzel can take him down, then what's next? A lamp? A hair dryer? In another act of buffoonery, Dubya was riding a Segway and ended up tipping the motherfucker over and falling on his face. If you don't know what a Segway is, just know that you're NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO FALL on one of them. I don't even think the innovative third wheel could save him because he would find a way to screw it up like a common foreign policy. He better have the secret service watch out for all those inanimate objects out to get him.
2.He can't go 1 speech without mentioning god: You heard it in his
inauguration speech. You heard it at state of the union. You heard it after 9/11.
Bush mentions god in damn near every speech he reads. He's convinced that god is on America's side helping us fight the evil
arabs. It sounds
like Bush might be a Packers fan to me. I'm sure there's a fair share of people that believe it as well, but think about it for a minute. We think
that all of the terrorists are the evil spawn sent from hell. The terrorists think the same of us. We think we are on a crusade aided by god
to stop the terrorists. The terrorists think it is their holy duty to stop the evil atrocities of the American people. Before the war started,
Saddam even told the Iraqi people flat-out that their god was going to help Iraq fend off the demon army of American soldiers. A lot of good
that did them. I guess Allah must have been taking a nap while it was going on. Point is, we both think we are the beneficiaries of divine
intervention but it all comes down to "Our technology and military beats the fuck out of your technology and military". If we both genuinely
believe a higher being is pulling for us but one of us loses, who is right? Nobody.
1.If he's re-elected, Maddox can't be president: That's right, there's only room for one president and if Bush is in office, Maddox can't occupy it. The person who is president should be the guy with the right ideas and even if Maddox doesn't have all the right ideas, at least he isn't full of shit. That's all I ask for in a politician. If I feel that there isn't any good representation on the Presidential ballot this November, I just might have to go for the great George Ozunian as a write-in candidate. This country is far overdue for being run by a member of the Pirate Party. If Maddox ever does get elected, I'm going to do everything possible to be part of his Joint Chiefs of Staff (a position which I will redefine and revolutionize to better fit its name).
The Pirate Party will soon be swashbuckling its way into the White House