Last Saturday, while consuming a decent amount of beer, I came a cross a public television show that was doing a show highlighting how great of a town Branson, Missouri is. You may or may have not heard of Branson, Missouri. The self proclaimed "#1 Tourist Town" in America. Fuck that. It's more like "#1 Tourist Town That Families Take Their Children To Because They Are Too Cheap To Go Someplace Cool Like Disney World". And hicks too. It's a fucking hick town and the entertainment is hick based and can only be enjoyed by hicks. The town has a population less than that of Slinger which should say something right there. PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO LIVE THERE. If I was taken to Branson as a kid for our great family vacation that we will remember forever, my parents would be in duffel bags buried somewhere in the Ozarks. I would have been scarred for life by all the sheer stupidity of the "entertainment" Branson has to offer. I had the great misfortune of being in Branson last summer but luckily I escaped by only driving through there. Had we stopped, I don't think I would be here writing this. I'd either be in the State Pen or in the ground with a skull similar to that of Kurt Kobain. Hmm... maybe then people would think I had talent and think I had the greatest music ever... But, back to the point, Branson sucks. I'm going to list some of the latest and greatest things to do in Branson and point out that only someone with buck teeth and a dirt farm would enjoy them.
Andy Williams and Glenn Campell: This is a show that only Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons would enjoy. Watch 2 old ass guys that were popular to our grandparents in the early 60's sing their single hits then at the end perform a series of blatantly homo-erotic duets. Glenn Campbell is sure to do his classic hit "Rhinestone Cowboy." That song would be a lot better if, well, it didn't exist. The only time it's been cool was when it was a joke played at the Prom in the movie High School High (all hail John Lovitz).
Bill Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus? BILLY RAY CYRUS?!? You have got to be
kidding me. He is the biggest joke that ever became a huge success then faded
out into oblivion just as quickly. Remember 'Achy Breaky Heart?' Ha, enough
said. However, his name fits right in with the Branson stereotype. You just
can't beat a name like Billy Ray. 2 First names is always a sign of true honor.
This is the description I found of this show: Popular recording artist and
television star Billy Ray Cyrus will appear at The Will Rogers Theatre in
Branson for three shows July 4th and 5th, 2003. Cyrus, who topped the charts a
few years ago with his number-one hits "Achy Breaky Heart," "Some
Gave All" and "Heart Of A Woman" is now on top in television
ratings as handsome country doctor Clint Cassidy in the hit drama series
"Doc" on PAX-TV.
Billy Ray Cyrus stormed onto the music scene in 1993 when his debut album,
"Some Gave All", held the number one spot on the billboard Magazine
Hot 100 Albums Chart for 17 weeks in a row, the longest time this spot has been
held by a debut artist, a record that still stands. Since that time, Cyrus has
enjoyed the release of six more albums, three number one hits and six top ten
cuts.
Is it just me or is that filled with inaccuracy? It's bullshit from the very
first word: popular. Did I miss something or is Billy Ray Cyrus actually
considered popular? Topped the charts a few years ago. Try TEN YEARS AGO,
jackass. Nobody gives a flying fuck now. And since when did he become a goddamn
TV star? Lets see... he is on the hit drama series "Doc" on TNT, wait,
I read that wrong... PAX-TV?!? Who in the hell watches PAX-TV? That is the
sorriest excuse for a cable channel ever. I think I even got that one on my TV
slightly scrambled before I even had cable. The other prominent shows on PAX-TV
are that game show where people run around in a fake grocery store and buy
frozen bananas to use on their kinky girlfriend (or something like that), and
the all-important 11 PM replay of the Channel 4 Nightly News. I'd be mighty
proud to have to highest rated show on that station. I'm sure if I locked a
midget in a room and fed him a bowl of refried beans every day that would get
higher ratings. All of the "storming onto the music scene with his debut
album" is true (and very, very sad) but there is something else
interesting. Since that time, Cyrus has enjoyed the release of six more
albums, three number one hits and six top ten cuts. OK, he had 3 number one
hits on his debut album and I think his second album had the other 3 top tens
which would mean that his last 5 albums amounted to... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Damn,
nobody has put out that many completely pointless albums since Kiss.
Daniel O'Donnel: I really don't know how this guy got big. He's from Ireland, he sings, he's goofy looking, and he plays with himself. He probably got his distant cousin Rosie to pull some strings for him and get him signed to some drunk Irish record company and appear on the biggest stage of them all... BRANSON!
Dixie Stampede: This one is hosted by the silicone bodied wench Dolly Parton. You'll feast on a mouth watering four-course meal while witnessing a spectacular 32-horse show themed in a friendly North/South rivalry. If the horses in this show wore as much makeup as that hillbilly hoe, they would be arrested for testing cosmetics on innocent animals. Is there such a thing as a friendly North/South rivalry? Oh, that's right, Missouri is that pussy state that couldn't get its collective head out of its ass to pick which side they wanted to be on, so they were on both. The backwoods banjo strummers wanted to enslave niggers while the upper mountain yoopers wanted to free everyone. Good job Missouri for the greatest indecision in history.
The Duttons: Live from their nationally broadcast television special, this real family of singers, dancers and musicians is guaranteed to please all ages. With Mom on bass and Dad on guitar, the extraordinarily talented Dutton children weave their way through a two-hour masterpiece of musical surprises. The Duttons have toured the world over from the stages of Europe to the largest television network in China and received accolades with every performance. How can these freaks call themselves a family? They abandoned the only talented one of the bunch, Dave Dutton. The show is nothing without big Buttons running around in camo on stage. Wow, largest TV network in China. Now I'm no Chinaman, but I don't believe there is a big market for inbred family country music antics there. I don't believe there is anyway...
Elvis and the Superstars: God dammit, Elvis is dead. When will people come to grips with this? If people spent less time seeing Elvis impersonators and more time getting educated, maybe I wouldn't need that AK-47 that I just ordered with my dad's credit card for massacring all the idiots I encounter. Dave Ehlert, who portrays Elvis, was the first entertainer to be inducted into the Elvis Performer Worldwide Hall of Fame. A Las Vegas veteran, his high-energy performances have been thrilling audiences for 34 years. He has performed as Elvis during the terms of 8 U.S. Presidents! Say what? Elvis Performer Worldwide Hall of Fame? Why is there such a thing? I'm calling up al-Quaida right now and telling them that it will devastate the economy if they take down this sorry excuse for a Hall of Fame. Then I'm sure people would banter on forever about how "The Elvis Performer Hall of Fame isn't really dead." Give me a break. So this guy claims to have a high energy performance maintained over 34 years. To even have been a teenager when Elvis was popular he has to be at least 45. And I doubt he got started with this while Elvis was alive so we'll say he started at 25. That would place him at approximately 60 years old. High energy my ass.
Mike Radford's Show: Remember When: America's Ambassador of Patriotism entertains audiences of all ages with a hilarious romp in "Grandma's attic" filled with hundreds of antiques donated from around the world. The Veterans' tribute will have you leaving the theatre saying, "Thanks for the memories and God Bless America!" Ambassador of patriotism eh? Like we need anymore of those. If anyone wants to get recognition nowadays they act like they are big Mr. Patriot and people instantly want to rape them in the red white and blue asshole. So he has a hilarious romp in grandma's attic. Does anyone really want to see the sick and twisted things grandma has in her attic? He probably found her ivory dildo and a picture of her and grandpa getting freaky in the back of his Model T. There's just something a little disgusting about that and I wouldn't care to see it at this show.
Osmond Brothers: Whoever started the Osmond family unleashed the worst plague in entertainment history. They just keep reproducing and trying to put out music. In 20 years, 50% of the world's population will be Osmonds. They just won't go away! A few years back they even had a fucking daytime talk show ("Donnie and Marie") as if the entertainment industry weren't polluted enough and daytime TV wasn't coma inducing enough. The only good thing that has come from the Osmond family was when they did a spoof of "I'm a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock n' Roll" on South Park. That kicked ass.
The Shoji Tabuchi Show: This one was featured on the show I saw. It's some dumb Japanese guy that wandered into this country and wound up in Branson with his own show. Damn, it's hard to become famous here... The highlights of the show include him telling pointless Japanese jokes and something about him playing grab ass with a bunch of people in chicken suits. I guess the theatre is really pimped out. The bathroom is extremely fancy with marble everywhere and there's even a pool table in it. As if by some miracle that anybody that would go to this show has ever used anything other than an outhouse/hole in the ground, I don't think they would know the first thing about playing pool. They would probably end up taking home the pool cues to patch up that whole in the roof on their shanty and boiling the pool balls for dinner. His wife and his daughter are in the picture. His wife is white, and his daughter is even whiter. I'm no genetic expert but something tells me she is supposed to look half Jap and half white. DNA test anyone?
Smoke on the Mountain: Laughter rolls in like the morning fog in the Ozark Mountains. SMOKE ON THE MOUNTAIN, conceived by Allen Bailey and written by Connie Ray, is a magnificent blend of story and song. Ok, this one sounds interesting. Stories, songs, smoke, mountains. Sounds like fun if certain things happen. If the smoke is pot, the mountain is a bong, the songs are by Pink Floyd, and the stories are about almost running over a Mexican guy in Milwaukee while on a roadie, I'm there.
Tall Timber Lumberjack Show: Normally lumberjacks kick ass. They are like the Vikings except they kill trees and pillage forests instead of people and villages. They have the same Viking mentality. The only time a lumberjack isn't cool is when it's a girl that tries to make herself look hot but just comes off looking like a lumberjack. That's nasty. I guess these guys battle it out to see who has the Tallest Timber. So, unless you want your children exposed to schlongs at the young age of 6, you better leave the kiddies at home for this one. Grandma too.
The Family Trap: This one is actually a game show. They select loving families from the audience and break the news to them that only one of them will leave the studio alive. The surviving family member gets possession of the house and everything in it, a brand new vacuum cleaner, and a year's supply of Funyuns. Each family member gets to select a way to eliminate their fellow family members once and for all. The children often choose the bear trap because it's fun to pee on your parent's heads while they writhe in agony with their leg stuck in a bear trap. Parents often choose the ripper chainsaw because the awful sound of it makes kids freeze in place and wet their pants, which makes them a lot easier to dismember.
The World Famous Platters: The Platters are the people seen in the picture. They are yet another washed up bunch of singers from the 50's and 60's. I would recommend staying away from this one simply because I'd be afraid of the entire left side of the stage collapsing and the ensuing earthquake. Did they really have to put the fat ones on the same side? If I was there and it was at the end of the show and they were at their sweatiest and jiggliest, I would no longer have the use of my left eye. Yuck.
Yakov Smirnoff, Famous Russian Comedian: Yakov is the only show in this entire town worth seeing (except maybe that bong mountain one). He grew up in communist Russia and now that he is free, he can say whatever the fuck he wants to about how much Russia sucked. His show isn't just bullshit either, he shares philosophy with everyone. Yakov proves the point I've been trying to make all along by saying "Only In America can a Russian and a Japanese own a theater in the middle of the Ozarks!" That's correct Yakov, because only Americans would be stupid and lavish enough to waste their money left over after buying extremely fatty food on mindless entertainment. Sharing a name with a brand of vodka doesn't hurt too much either...
I hope this has helped you to realize how pointless of a town Branson is and stop you from making a grave decision by ever going there. If you do go there, make sure you strap a bunch of dynamite around your waist and, well, you know the rest. Branson would serve us much much better as a smoking hole in the ground. Just be sure to rescue Yakov first.
Branson's tourism rate dropped 500% after I wrote this