Die Birds

Albatross about to get his shit ruined

Birds really piss me off. Being an insomniac and not being able to sleep until 5 in the morning (when the sun is rising), I finally try to get my beauty rest but those flying shitboxes come out and mock me with their endless singing. It doesn't help me sleep. They know it too. They just sit out there on their branches or telephone wires and make noise just to spite me. Fuckers. Birds have been taking advantage of us for far too long. They know that they are better than us and make damn sure that they let us know about it too. Most of them fly around at will, soaring high above the land looking down upon us humans like insignificant beings. You can almost hear them saying "How's the view down there you wingless assholes? It sure is nice up here!" Then they go and shit everywhere. I swear, they plan it out. One morning I went to drive to school and there was approximately 10 piles of bird shit on my car. There's no way that happens by coincidence overnight. They sat in their tree and discussed how pitiful it is that the car is named Firebird but it can't fly. They extracted their revenge by shitting on it in waves. Why the hell do they sing all the time anyway? They try to sound all happy and cheery, which they probably are because they are better than us, but what does it accomplish? If I sat around all day singing whatever tune came into my head, I would be in the looney bin. It's bullshit, there's no point to it. Birds are just like old people, they go to sleep at 5 PM and wake up at 4 AM and make a bunch of noise, then they shit everywhere. At least with old people we can contain it in diapers. If I put a diaper on every bird I encountered, PETA would be all over my ass.

Birds manipulate the weak minded daily. They sing happy songs and have pretty colors so morons put out Wild Berry Mix Bird Seed ($20 for a half pound box) and they can eat without doing a damn thing.

Just look at these parrots. Some bird enthusiast asshole took this picture and will probably feed them caviar and lobster once they are done playing grabass. They didn't have that shit in the old days, back when birds had to use their natural abilities to acquire food. Now they just leech off of us because the lazy asses don't feel like catching mosquitos anymore. Then there's those asshole Orioles and Hummingbirds. They need their own special nectar feeders and oranges and shit just to eat. Quit your bitchin' and eat a fly. Once I was thisty and went to my fridge and found some Kool-Aid and drank it but it was actually oriole nectar for the feeder. It was fucking gross, all I wanted was some damn Kool-Aid. I guess it's more important around my house that we have plenty of oriole orange shit than anything for me. I need to grow orange feathers, then maybe I'll get some damn respect around here. We also have a bird bath in our yard with nice pretty rocks for them to sit on. Why? They have their own baths, it's called rain. I found a use for the bird bath however, which was throwing underwater bottle rockets in it, which made a cool noise. That left a bunch of nasty black shit in the bird bath. Wash yourself in that, motherfuckers.

Being the lazy leeches that they are, birds also find the easy way out of everything. What happens when it gets down to 50 degrees around here? They pack up and leave. Sure, fly south where it's warm. Leave the rest of us here to bust our asses to pay the heating bill while you sit in palm trees and sing and watch hot chicks on the beach. Fuck off birdbrain. When they are on their way South, they no doubt shit at least once on every city along the way, bonus points for getting someone in the head. Then when things start looking good again, they come back here to keep me up every morning. No one has done anything about this. I think it's time we started eating every kind of bird for food just to teach them a lesson not to fuck with us. I'll even go around eating their eggs right out of the nest. Wouldn't that be a shock coming back from being fed by old people in the park to find a bunch of busted up shells and a note from me saying "Your demon offspring won't be keeping me awake anymore... they were delicious". That would kick ass to see the look on its face.

Do you ever wonder why some birds can't fly? I don't either but I have a theory. Take chickens for example. We have them domesticated and breed them for food and even eat their embryos with bacon (mmmmm). I think it wasn't always like this. I think chickens used to fly around and drop eggs on peoples' heads giving them severe concussions. This pissed us off so we started a war with them and kicked major ass so now we have them domesticated and have 150 different ways to consume their flesh. Other birds need to take a lesson from this and realize that their time in the skies manipulating us and pecking our siding to shit is limited. We're coming for you.

Birds just flew South to escape my wrath

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