"Mein Auto ist mein leibe!"
"Mein Auto ist mein leibe!"It seems that Hitler has been in style lately on this site so I decided to join in the fun. So let me ask you something. Have you ever been driving down the freeway and you pass up one of those stupid Roseanne-naked-kind-of-ugly VW Beetles and had a sudden urge to ram them into oblivion? I know I have. What most Beetle owners probably don't know is what they are indirectly supporting by driving one. Well shitlickers, you're in for a real treat. It's time for a little Bullshit Central History Lesson. Come gather 'round the fire (which is burning in my pipe) and listen to me fill you in. The "Bug" was first conceived by none other than evil genius Adolf Hitler. He came up with the idea for the car because at the time it was innovative with an air-cooled engine. How such a great man can invent such a puss-ass car is beyond me, but he did it nonetheless. Hitler's plan for the Beetle was to have every perfect Arian family drive one around Germany to show that they weren't a dirty Jew. In fact, the name Volkswagen in German means "car of the people". Another little-known factoid is that local car salesman Ernie von Schleidorn is a former Nazi war prisoner. He fought for the Third Reich, and was captured and imprisoned in Hartford. So now he is a rich-ass car salesman here in the states and his dealership(s) SELL NONE OTHER THAN VOLKSWAGENS. Coincidence? I think not.
Allow me to set the scene for you. It's 1945 in Berlin, Germany. Gunfire is heard everywhere and the Allied troops are storming in to take the city and end the war. Deep beneath the city is Hitler's private bunker. He is preparing for the suicide of he and his wife. Suddenly a vision comes to him. He calls in his trusted officer, a brash young man by the name of Ernest von Schleidorn. Hitler tells him to go out and surrender to the Allies. He then explains that Americans are pussies and will surely let him go once the grudge from the war is over, as opposed to the standard blinding and torturing that took place in Germany. Adolf says the next phase is to start a car dealership and sell none other than Hitler's car for the Arian people, the VW Beetle. With this foolproof plan, a new nation of the Hitler Youth will be born, and Adolf will LIVE FOREVER, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm pretty sure that's how it happened anyway. The point I'm trying to make is if you own and love a Bug, then you must love other ideas of Hitler's too because they are equally as hairbrained. Good job you modern day anti-semites. Do you perform sick experiments on Jews in your garage? Do you toss babies in the air and shoot them with your Luger? Do you pop a giant woody when a train is crossing in front of your Retard Machine of Death hoping that it's a bunch of boxcars full of innocent Jewish women and children? It's ok, you don't have to take the time to answer, I'll just assume you do all of those things and move on.
The car itself is an eyesore. It looks like the love child of a humpback whale and a steamroller *Note to self: Search Google for whale and steamroller porn*. The only practical use I can see for the Bug is as a hearse for midgets. Midgets are people too and with a normal hearse you can stuff like 3 of them lengthwise in a casket, but in the Bug they get the independent death and burial they deserve. The sick and twisted part about the Beetle is that there is actually a convertible model. I bet Heinrich Himmler devised that one as a way of giving the ol' heave-ho to Jews that were bound and gagged in the backseat. There's plenty of narrow roads on the side of cliffs in Germany for such a thing so why the hell not? The reassuring fact about the Beetle today is that the 2004 version was the LAST one they will ever make. That is until the very last one in existence breaks down and the Junior Nazi Patrol has nothing left to run over gypsies and Poles with. Then they will come out with the Beetle that has the all-new Total Carnage package complete with spikes and a flamethrower on the front for ramming through the doors of synagogues then torching them. It wouldn't surprise me if they came up with a new innovative engine that ran on Zyklon B either. Beetle owners are grotesque enough to do it.
Why is it that when 2 corporations form some kind of joint venture it always ends up a huge pile of elephant shit? What I'm referring to is the deal that VW and Apple Computers struck this year wherein you buy a Bug and get a free I-Pod with it. The last thing we need is a tardmobile car company and a "computer" company that hasn't done anything worthwhile since the 80's talking over marketing schemes. The I-Pod was probably intended to get you pumped up for a good old massacre by listening to such classics as Slayer's "Raining Blood" but I think anyone that drives a Bug listens to Yanni and Sarah MacLachlan anyway so that doesn't apply.
I have something personal to say to each of the sexes that drive the Beetle:
To men: You are just pussies. Die.
To women: I don't know of any female SS officers but you could be the first. Just be sure to watch out when you're putting on lipstick, yakking on your cell phone, smoking menthol light cigarettes, and driving at the same time because my F-Bird is out to get you.
The Twatmobile is Hitler's ideal killing machine