The room falls silent except for the sound of flashbulbs as Stern enters and approaches the podium, followed by his associates.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he begins, “tonight is a historic night for the NBA. We will unveil plans that will revolutionize the NBA, making it a fully equal opportunity employer. Gentlemen, do the honors please…”
A few cronies take a drape from a presentation board. They pull down the cover revealing an alteration of the old NBA logo, formerly a silhouette of Jerry West, and now a half white, half-black silhouette with long feminine hair on one side.
Stern begins again, “I present to you NBAffirmative!” The mass of reporters begins muttering in confusion at this revelation, already more drastic than they anticipated.
Stern continues on, outlining the new rules and stipulations for NBAffirmative, “We will begin by merging the existing NBA with the WNBA. We believe having separate leagues is sending a message that women can’t compete with men. The WNBA players will be dispersed evenly amongst the current NBA teams.
The women in the audience are shocked that the league they could identify themselves with is being taken away. The reporters who enjoy covering their hometown WNBA teams begin to fear for their jobs.
“Also, new rules will ensure racial equality league-wide. All teams will be required to have at least one Caucasian male, one minority female, one Asian and one European player on the floor at all times. This will eliminate domination of the game by African-American males.”
One particular liberal journalist is sitting aghast in the audience. He begins crossing off his prepared questions and immediately starts writing down his objections to NBAffirmative.
Stern continues, “There will be changes in the coaching ranks as well. The league will require a certain number of minority coaches be hired. 10 of the coaches shall be Caucasian males, 10 African American males, five Caucasian females, two African American females, one Latino, one physically handicapped and one mentally handicapped. This will provide different perspectives on how teams should be coached as well as open the door to those who wouldn’t otherwise get a chance at coaching. 10 current Caucasian coaches will have to be fired to get down to the quota of 10, but we feel this is necessary to curb discrimination. We will now open the floor to any questions you may have.”
Almost instantly, Charles Robinson from the respected and dignified website BS Central sprang up and began to rant at the sheer stupidity he had just taken in, “NBAffirmative? Are you serious??? That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard, and no, I’m not going to apologize to retards for using that word. Political correctness and affirmative action have gone WAY too far! Has Jessie Jackson gotten to all of you too? By making your ‘quotas’ and ‘stipulations’, you’re only singling out minorities in a different way. Giving jobs to minorities because they’re a minority is the same principle as not giving them jobs; it’s still an act of discrimination. You end up taking jobs from those who are most qualified to perform them and replacing them with people hired because of their racial label. However, you’re at least right about one thing. Having separate leagues is saying that women can’t compete with men. That’s because they can’t, not in the game of basketball anyway. The fact is that men are bigger, stronger, and more durable which completely eliminates the element of fair competition! What’s going to happen when Shaq or Yao come bruising down the lane? Somebody is going to get seriously injured and you’ll be responsible.”
Stern stared back blankly at a complete loss for words. The other reporters began to whisper to each other about what was taking place. None of them dare stand up and ask their questions, either because they didn’t want to interrupt or because they realized Mr. Robinson was saying everything they wanted to.
Resuming his tirade, “If you go this far with the league then where does it end? You might as well put a brief ethnic description of each player on the back of their jersey to further label them anything but basketball player. After that, you can have sections of the arena for each minority so they can sit together and cheer on the players of their race. Then you could…”
“ENOUGH!” Stern blurted out. “I’m not here to have my ideas attacked so rudely! What we are attempting to do is a good thing and a radical freak like you wouldn’t realize it! This press conference is over!” With that, Stern and his cronies stormed off stage behind the curtain.
Although the NBAffirmative began play the next season, it was a terrible failure with an atrocious competitive imbalance. The game became a sloppy, chaotic, watered-down version of its former self. The effects of affirmative action became embellished in the public eye, causing it to be phased out of business practices.