Just recently I decided to give Slinger’s own Nite Crier a piece of my mind in the form of a 3 page critical essay uncovering SADD, or Students Against Destructive Decisions.

I was going to make a joke here by replacing the words in the acronym SADD, probably insinuating that the group is inbred, but I changed my mind. Make one in your head and pretend that I made it up.

I don’t know why the fuck I even bother sending my precious words to those sons of bitches. Why is it the “Nite” Crier? I’m assuming they’re either AOL crackbabies or just stupid, “nite” is a bastardization of night. What’s the point of spelling things wrong?

Better yet, why do they have to call it something so bland and misleading? A better title may have been Magazine For Pussies To Give Their Opinions But Remain Anonymous So That People Don’t Think They’re Thinking Outside Of The Herd, Completely Ruining The Image Mommy And Daddy Bought. Nothing good has come out of the Nite Crier short of anything written by Kyle Schoenfeld, a student at Slinger High School who could telekinetically shove your own foot up your ass. When Charlie and I distributed his last Nite Crier rejected column, I called it the Daigh Bitcher out of spite for the blasphemous Nite Crier.

Anyways, I showed my essay to several people before turning it in, including Charlie who placed in on his scale somewhere along “fucking badass.” I have no clue if it was good or not, but I really liked the message it got across, the message being exposing those hard-on-for-power fuckos at SADD for their deliberate and blatant attempt at mind control. All of this without actually condoning drug use or doing anything that would make Vic decide not to print my article. Allen: 1, system: 0.

On March 22, 2004 I stopped at my locker and found a little note taped on it. I took it off and read it, it was from some faux Trudy Weigel and it was about my column. I no longer have the original copy to give to you verbatim, but it said that the staff really liked my article, but it just up and vanished into thin air. The doors in the editor’s room are locked when no one is in using it, and none of the staff would take it. The note said that “we believe a certain teacher is to blame”, though the certain teacher denied it when confronted. Apparently my article just got up out of the opinion box and walked its ass down to Chinatown for some Asian women and eggrolls. Oh well, it's not like I don't have it saved in three different places.

Of course, that is a much more plausible story than the idea that maybe the one teacher suspected (who also happens to head up SADD , has a room connected to the Nite Crier room, and also has a key to enter it from her room) read my column beforehand as she often does, said to herself “My my, this will make me look like shit eating Nazi bitch”, and fed it into the paper shredder. This whole time she assumed that I couldn’t print them off faster than she could steal.

That’s right, in case you don’t have an argument, be a complete Nazi and burn every document that doesn’t praise you like the cult whore Miss Criestoomuch and her ugly children. God damn, that lady has some ugly kids. I’d probably feel pretty bad if I found out they actually had down syndrome or hydrocephalus …or not.

After school that day, I walked into the Nite Crier to ask what was with the note. They had this month’s issue laid out, and lo and behold, there was a column written about SADD. It was much different from mine. The person, titled Anonymous, had the rhetorical skills of a shit-hurling monkey. Either that or a teacher trying to dumb down her little one paragraph blurb so that when she sent it in after mine was stolen no one would suspect her.

The paragraph itself was pathetic. It had no argument, it was pro and anti SADD at the same time. Nice try, cunt. The entire purpose of that paragraph is so that the Nite Crier staff had no reason to put my article in the issue anymore, thus preventing it’s massive SADD takeover potential. That fat whore of a teacher was so full of shit that she didn't have enough room to write a semi-decent opinion article on SADD. I mean, honestly, how difficult is it to write an OPINION piece. You have an opinion, you write it down. It's that fucking simple, Charlie, Rachel, Levon, and I do it probably every day. If a teacher can't even do that, it's saying one of two things. Specifically, she either is too stupid to grasp the concept of typing thoughts on a screen and making them agree or she is impartial to the topic. If the latter is true, then she shouldn't be complaining about my column the way she did when it came out. I believe that she opted for the former, and in such case I am deeply sorry for her children.

My article came out on 3/31/04. I wasn’t there for the full effect of the premiere, I was baked off my ass roaming around the Chicago Art Museum and eating at every bakery I walked past all day. I arrived at school the next day found the proof for all you agnostics/atheists everywhere. I have always been one to gloat about my omniscient and omnipresent powers, but if you don’t think I’m God, the proof is in the pudding. That was the kind of response I got, right down to people calling me God. Like my last article on literature classes, it was discussed in a few classes, only this time, not to brag (or in actuality, to brag), with an effect that basically made it impossible for people to argue with. Whereas my lit class piece was extremely opinionated, this article was all fact. These god damn anti this and that companies are all about the truth, but ironically they are more associated with using backdoor methods to make everything day do look true. When the truth is really set out there, like in Charlie’s Nite Crier piece, the have to resort to things like theft and censorship. I feel like I'm dealing with the mafia, except without all the cocaine and murder.

This brings me to my next point, if my article can be printed though it deals with mostly facts and deductions, why was Charlie’s article deemed not opinion enough? My article was embraced and Charlie's received the literary equivalent of chloroform rape. How can anyone deem his piece more of an attack than mine? I came right out and called a major school organization a cult. Sure, it was just a parallel that I drew for what it really meant, but there’s no way that is less of an attack than generally stating that teachers have different perspectives on swearing. How can you doubt any conspiracy theory Charlie has ever written? Every time they fuck someone over, they completely contradict their reasons that they stuck so close to when it’s convenient. Assholes.

As for that little SADD piece to distract attention from mine, the Nite Crier never printed it. I take it that they have a little more brains than I credited them for. As for the teacher who allegedly stole it, she bitched all god damn day about how I called them a cult. Does cunt sound better to you? How’s that for assonance, cunt cult? Right, so Miss Criestoomuch and the cunt cult can go drown themselves in a lake.

The problem is that most people are pussies. Shit, I've talked to a few vaginas that had more of an argument than these self righteous asswipes.. Shit, I argue with people for the fun of it. It’s nothing to be taken personally. But every time some smug person of authority gets proved wrong they have to steal the evidence instead of, say, WRITING A GOD DAMN RESPONSE. Or maybe, given the power, not print it at all. Isn't that the point of an opinion? To each his own, and if a random asshole has a problem with it, let that be their opinion and they can submit it to the Nite Crier if they feel so inclined. But no, we can't let anyone's feelings get hurt, can we? We can't just agree to disagree, someone always has to step in and try to stifle someone else's opinion because Allen forbid they end up looking like a bunch of fools. In turn, these people are just fueling writers like Charlie, Rachel, and I to keep writing and keep arguing and become more and more, dare I say, infallible. These incompetent, scared little suckasses are, to put it one way, lubing up the world's ass and waiting for us to spring a chubby one.

Update: This article has been popping up in weird places, for instance, a cop was about to write me a skateboarding ticket but as I was arguing with him he brought up my column. Apparently he liked it. I was at a gas station in a town (Hartford) bordering my home of Slinger, WI when a girl recognized me and asked me about it, she told me that her cousin went to SHS and she showed her my column, and they looked me up in the year book. I would have been flattered but the bitch wasn't even hot, a lot of good this column has done me. Oh well.

I have yet to find any decent pink stink from bitching about SADD. I'm lame.