Kansas Sucked Ass, Until I
Arrived
In
my recent travels, I ventured through the land where most of my family was born. After seeing Kansas, I realize why my grandparents got
the hell out of there 50 years ago.
An overview of the
main attractions.
Kansas is boring as
fuck. I thought northern Indiana sucked balls, but Kansas
is a brand of blow that only Utah
and all it’s Mormon residents ca surpass. This place is flatter than Marcy D’arcy’s chest. I
fell asleep at the wheel on I-70 for about 3 hours and didn’t even hit the
rumble strip. There is nothing. I can count the trees in sight on one hand. That’s why I think we should add some classic
games to the freeways between Missouri and Colorado.
Red Light, Green Light
This would really liven up crusty old Kansas. All the roads will have lights fixed over
them. From that point on it’s just like
the game you played as a child. As long
as the lights green, you’re free to move, but as soon as it turns red, you’d
better stop. The last car to stop is
crushed into a cube, on the spot.
Entertainment like that is sure to make Kansas a traveler’s wet dream.
Crossfire
This was one of my favorite games when
I was a child. I think I just liked the
song on the commercials. Anyways,
cannons would be affixed on both sides of the road, and they will fire at
random, causing crossfire. The driver
will have to avoid getting caught in said crossfire. Ages 16 and up.
Hungry Hungry Hippos.
State Police are required for this
game. Large, metal hippos with
mechanical mouths will be unleashed on traffic, eating up as many cars as
possible. The first trooper to eat 100
cars gets to keep the cars, and the passengers are put to work in prison camps
(Guantanamo
Bay would be ideal, but I
hear it’s getting quite full).
Tag
This is my personal favorite traffic
game to play. The designated “It” car
has to tag another car with one of it’s bumpers to decide who will be “It”
next. The car that is “It” once traffic
hits state lines is sandblasted until everything in it is dead. It’s the traffic game the whole family can
agree on.
Operation
Nothing special
about this one. Instead of using
plastic organs and awkward tongs, all you need are steel belted tires. Steady hands are an absolute necessary,
because if you touch the painted lines on either side of your lane, 600 volts
are shot through your car. Caution:
Exceedingly shaky drivers or people with pacemakers should avoid Kansas while a game of
operation is in play.
Smear the Queer
In this version of one of my favorite
childhood games, the queer is anyone driving a Kia,
Volkswagen Bug, PT
Cruiser, or someone with personalized plates.
Once the queer has been established, smear it! It’s exactly like that game everyone used to
make you play back behind the football field after they’d had enough of giving
people swirlies.
There!
Kansas will never be thought of as that
homogonously boring state you drove through on your way to California again! And, as usual, I am the only one to
thank. I don’t know how I think of such
awesome ideas. I think of it as my gift
to humanity.
YOU’RE WELCOME!
Kansas blows a lot less now
that I put survival games in the mix.
Denver, a Certain BS Central Columnist Owes You a Debt of Gratitude.
I am currently in Denver,
Colorado. I am sitting in my hotel room, on the 17th
floor of the Hyatt-Regency. I got the
room half price. I threw a tremendous
fit as soon as I walked into the lobby.
I claimed that the last time I was there, which happened to be never, I
was treated very rudely, and that my family, “the Grieses”,
is taking their business elsewhere. The manager bullshitted about how he had heard of that and gave
me two nights for the price of one and I took them. So begins my adventure.
A
moment ago I was cutting up pieces of bible paper
(rolling papers cost money, hotel bible paper is free) and I came across this:
Genesis
9:3, “Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the
green herbs.” [Author’s note;
How’s that for a Bullshit Central first? A bible quote, and from
genesis at that!] I like that
passage. It serves my purpose well. I can use that bible quote to say that
Christian vegetarians and Bush’s version of the war on drugs are completely
bogus. The bible says so.
See? Do you see how anyone can use the bible to
manipulate you to do anything at all?
And people are still basing their lives on the interpretation of
it. Busy, busy, busy.
The
first two paragraphs basically sum up exactly how Denver treated me. First I’d pull a total power move to get
something to my advantage, and then it’s followed up by a reconfirmation that I
rule.
This
city has a lot to offer tokers and writers and
skateboarders alike. I am all
three. Technically, within city limits,
28 grams (one ounce) of marijuana is legal.
In Colorado,
the maximum penalty for 4 grams (approximately 1/8th ounce) is five
dollars forfeiture and a 2 hour class on drug abuse. I bought basically out in the open. The sidewalks and the 16th Street Mall are rarely
overcrowded. Transportation is easy and
slipping away from people proves easier.
I consider both necessary. No
cars are allowed on the 16th
Street Mall (obviously, it’s a mall) so you can
walk to several parts of the city easily, with shit to fuck around with on the
way. I played three chess games against
complete strangers. 2 of my opponents
wrote, but still had day jobs. The first
guy I played claimed to be published, but I don’t remember his name and I doubt
I’d ever see any of his work wherever he was published. Regardless, the city has places and people
about it that are conducive to satirical writing. Just today I met two gentlemen who happened
to be on the same page these two handsome writers on some fantastic opinion
website that I know. They introduced me
to the Rocky Mountain High.
The
people here are tuned to a very similar frequency as people associated with BS
Central. I don’t want to go into too
many details about what I’ve done here.
No one gives a shit. I will say
that the service at my hotel is sweet when they think that you’re pissed off at
them. It’s also set next to the Rocky Mountains. The
city (which pops up out of nowhere, as if it grew from corn) is accessible from
360 degrees because it is not on a coast, which is not typical of large cities. Plus if you want to do something cool and not
be bothered, you can get lost in the Rockies
with a case of Coors. That sounds like a
fat sack of fun, and it’s pretty cheap.
I
recommend Denver, Colorado to travelers who are not into
commercial tourist attractions and are looking more to slip away into a
relaxing lifestyle for a few days. It’s
a good hub for Midwesterners traveling to the Pacific Ocean or Las Vegas as well. Two thumbs up.
At the very least it’s a hell of a lot better
than the last city I was in. Topeka fucking blows.