It’s true, I watched it 11 times over the course of 2 weeks, no Phil
Really now, if I see one more movie about true love or the perfect guy this dysentery is going to get the best of me. Every chick flick deals with some dumb slut trying to find or dealing with the perfect guy, in one way or another. Down to You, Ghost, Home Fries, Sweet Home Alabama, and the like are all chick flicks focused around some hag and her perfect guy. I know, I’ve rented all of the above several times.
They even had the audacity to call a movie “The Perfect Guy” like no one would notice that it’s the same movie that came out in 1994 with Cher playing lead bitch with an annoying voice or fake accent, or both. Come on. I watched “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” once because it was on the television, and television controls me. At once, I knew it was one of those dumb whore finds the perfect guy movies. To my disappointment, this movie did not contain the most perfect guy that I can think of anywhere:
Ladies, there is no such thing as a perfect guy. Guys are meant to be intimidating, they’re meant to punch things and eat cows and blow shit up, and since women don’t like being hit (yet, but they will learn), then no man can be perfect. I’m sick of these god damn movies portraying the perfect guy as some clean cut jackass whose gay uncle dresses them. They’ve always got that smirk on their face, too. That “I just gave a guy a reach around in the bathroom” smirk, smiling is for people who haven’t realized that this column sucks.
Anyways, I should really stop now. I have a horrible fucking headache from staring into this light bulb that I call a word processor. What the fuck does that mean anyways? Word processor. Oooh, exciting, I’m getting my words processed. That’s a really bland fucking term: word processor. I mean, it could be anything from a human brain to a typewriter. Both of those and everything in between process words, so what makes this one so special (or at least special enough to deserve the name word processor)? That’s bullshit. A better name would be “Electronic Word Comprehension Program Plus.” The key word there is plus. Plus makes everything in the world better. It sucked when grandma had cancer, but now the baby has cancer PLUS, which is something spectacular compared to regular cancer, with it’s super sleek user interface with web connect and built in slushie machine. And for all you morons out there, it even has a little paper clip pop up thingamajig to let you know when it’s time to breast feed, we’ll call him “Mr. Soggynipples Jr.” and he’ll have his little buddies, dubbed the “octopus fun bunch.” United, they’ll fly around making racist remarks that don’t match the race of the parties they are directed to. Then they’ll randomly find one magazine vendor and beat the shit out of him, just to send their message. I don’t know what this message is (let alone how I could integrate it into MS Office) but it sounds like a pretty badass plan. I should come up with more sweet ideas, when I’m chairman of the world of course. Bow before me, or I’ll crush you and your wicked family (and pets). Don’t step to me when I’m using Electric Word something-or-other Plus, or your wicked pets will pay the price, motherfucker.
Oh yeah, don’t do acid.