This is my column as it appeared in the Nite Crier. I'm going to go ahead and get the profanity out of the way now, so when you're reading this, randomly put these words into context every few sentences, "fuck, shit, cocksucker/ing, asshole, dipshit, dickface, pigfucker, stupid bitch" etc. To go back to the article written about this column, click the link at the bottom of the page.

Fancy Acronyms Are Not a Vehicle for Cult Ideology

“One third of youth traffic fatalities involve alcohol.” Seems like a big number, doesn’t it? One third of traffic fatalities involving minors are either from direct alcohol use by the driver, or another drunk driver hitting and killing a teenager. True? Yes. Vague? Definitely. Here’s a little known statistic for you; approximately 50% of all traffic fatalities involve stupidity. Don’t believe me? Try it some time.

I’m going to take this opportunity to point out that I have no grudge against SADD, MADD, HAPPY, APATHETIC, or any other acronym organization that I either came across in these halls of SHS or made up completely in this sentence. If a person chooses not to do drugs or drink, then more power to them. That’s a good stance to be able to carry through life. I am not condoning drug use at all. The following ramblings stand as my general opinion on the way drugs are deterred in this school, county, country, etc.

If the opening statistic sounds familiar, then you probably read it in the February 2004 issue of the SADD newsletter. If you happen across an issue anytime soon, that and other facts are presented in the bottom right hand corner on the front page. Appearing with it are other “genius” deductions as to why underage drinking is dangerous. Take the next one. “Underage alcohol use is associated with violence, suicide, educational failure, and other problem behaviors.” Let’s pretend that statement doesn’t completely smack of vagueness for a moment. Aren’t those “problem behaviors” just as (if not more so) present in legal drinking habits amongst the coveted 21+ demographic. Furthermore, association is not causation. School is “associated” with violence, suicide, educational failure, and other problem behaviors. That doesn’t mean that they behave directly. Should we have underage school laws? A completely ambiguous quote is not a good deterrent.

I know I’m not the only one disgusted at having my views on drugs and alcohol shoveled down my esophagus. Guess what, administration, SADD, and Slinger faculty; if you guys don’t like drugs, fine. Where those groups cross the line is thinking that everyone will have the same philosophy on drug use as they have. I am all for educating people on the facts about drug use and drinking, but is it too hard for their neurons muster up enough current to present the facts in an unbiased manner instead of only bringing up horror stories and slightly skewed examples (and somehow keeping a straight face)? And is it outrageous to expect a little proof when you make controversial claims and statistics? Maybe cite a legitimate source, and even present it’s arguments. Stating a one-sided, vague statistic does nothing less than insult my psyche and make me want to take every sedative known to man to obscure the pangs of bias that radiate from almost every anti-this-or-that group on earth. The student body still has the cognitive ability to formulate their own opinions, you know. That’s what this whole anti-drug campaign should be. Present the effects, the risks and benefits of the drug, and let the people decide for themselves. Give them the good with the bad and STOP IT RIGHT THERE! Better yet, just leave me alone.

What it all comes down to is that whether or not I decide to use drugs/alcohol is my decision, so the next jerk that tells me to “Just say no” may very well need the aid of a colostomy bag.

Seeing as how I’ve made my platform so far, why do these anti-drug groups feel they need to push their beliefs in drugs and alcohol onto us and generally spit on our intelligence? It’s one thing to say “Heroin is severely addictive” but “Just say no” is the most obvious attempt at mind control I’ve ever seen. You’d hope that SADD and its counterparts would be respectful enough to use more complex forms of domination like brainwashing and torture, but instead they just tell you like your some kind of mindless sheep, “Make our decision because unless everyone does the same thing we do the world will never be perfect and full of robots that need to obvious mandates jammed into their brains by the repetitive; just say no.” These anti-drug groups like SADD don’t really care about what you think. They just want you to think like they think. I know a lot of people are going to try to argue with me on this, but you can’t, because it’s just what I think. I couldn’t even begin to tell you why SADD wants everyone to have the same opinions they do, I think it has something to do with a cult world domination scheme.

Without any laws to back the groups like SADD up, what’s left is people’s own decision on whether or not they want to do drugs/drink alcohol. There are many countries (or even good old Oceania) where these laws pertaining to drugs/alcohol/sex/weapons are non-existent or inconsequential. What’s a person to do then? If SADD is dealing with a guy sitting on a boat in the middle of the pacific setting up lines of cocaine they will not have that smug government to back them up. No police officer scare tactic in the world is going to stop the man in the boat from snorting those lines, but maybe a little education might help him make his decision. You can’t just slant everything your way to make certain beliefs you have the beliefs of others. Come to think of it, isn’t that what cults do?

I hate to liken SADD to a cult, but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you when they start dressing in robes and cloning human babies. All seriousness aside, I get a mental picture of a shaved head silhouette stepping through a door yelling at his masses, “Soilent Green is PEOPLE!” It just leaves my mind to wonder, first biasing the life out of every statistic they come across, then giving people lobotomies and putting subliminal messages in every SADD newsletter to pray to Truth.com or something of those sorts. It’s a good idea to try to educate people, but no more of these commercials exploiting other people’s intellects and morals such as “Friends don’t let friends take drugs” (because everyone shares the same idea of what a friend should do for another, hell, it’s probably a golden law) or how some moron forgot to pick up his little brother from baseball practice, because you know that was modeled from a true life experience and not just a fabricated, poorly acted tool used to sway simple minded people from individual thinking. Really, the marijuana ads are getting out of hand, and I blame SADD, “Truth”.com and the like for the latest outbreak of whiny people that want to crucify anyone with different beliefs from theirs, so they pepper every magazine and school event with some kind of propaganda because in a perfect world introspection and cognitive deduction don’t exist.

One argument I know will come up is that someone will say that I don’t really know what SADD does. Hypothetically, this person will say something along the lines that SADD really is about educating people objectively and having fun in the process, or something completely vague and without precedent like that. Anyone planning on questioning my stance and who says that SADD is not biased better think carefully. Do you ever hear about how LSD is less harmful than aspirin and is used throughout Europe as a means for treating psychosis of many sorts (http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/lsd/lsd_info4.shtml)? No, but you always hear about the rock star that tripped too much and lost grip on reality. One third of youth traffic fatalities involve alcohol, but only so many of them are themselves drunk, and what about the other two thirds of youth traffic fatalities? How about the elderly men and women that only can get arthritis and glaucoma relief from medicinal marijuana. Don’t those statistics/opinions deserve to be heard along with the sensationalist tales? Case-in-point; “Frequent heavy drinking by adolescents can lead to mild brain damage.” So can microwaves, and any episode of Friends leaves me with the feeling that I’ve killed at least hundreds of brain cells by suffering through situational comedy. I can leave school today and get in an accident and kill myself. That’s not a good excuse to keep from driving but it is essentially the same amount of information given in every other statistic or one-sided “fact” SADD presents us with. Go ahead and have your donut eating contests and whatnot, but don’t drag your slanted ideals into it. What’s next, SADD sponsored, or should I say pimped, presidential elections?