What Would Jesus Do? He Wouldn't be a Bitch.
In order for me to properly explain the context of this situation, you must first hear a little background information:
First off, one day, while sitting in my hippy-laden Personal Communications class, I shouted out “Jesus Christ” for some random reason that I don’t recall precisely. I know it sounds petty and trivial, but it made the teachers in that class (whom I will refer to from now on as Bitchy Becky and Airhead Abby) nearly shit a brick in sheer disgust. This was stupid in it’s own respect. How dense do you have to be if you are upset by a fucking word, like Jesus Christ? Really, if someone just says Jesus Christ out loud, it’s not like they’re insulting your beliefs in him, are they? Just because YOU aren’t supposed to use his name in vain doesn’t mean that you can push your beliefs on ME about how to utilize my extended vernacular. One of the stupidest things someone can possibly say to another person who uses the word Jesus Christ anywhere but prayer is “Don’t use the lord’s name in vain.” He’s not my lord, is he you Nazi asshole? No one should be offended by how I choose to express my anger/excitement, because it has nothing to do with anyone else but myself.
Bitchy Becky, despite my superior logic and deductive reasoning skills, replied by saying that my use of the word Jesus Christ was degrading to her lord. She should really think things through before she turns into a moody bitch and spouts hot air out of her ass. Of course, Airhead Abby popped her head out from under Bitchy Becky’s desk to chime in with her brain dead opinion that says PRECISELY what Bitchy Becky said. This is undoubtedly because Airhead Abby is the weak minded caveman sort who can’t seem to formulate her own ideals unless they are fed to her via spoon.
Anyways, Bitchy Becky, later that day, referred to one of the student’s neighbors as a “dickhead.” That student, whom we will call Stoney, plays a pivotal role in this story as well. I point out that her saying “dickhead” is really not much different from me saying “Jesus Christ.” Charlie added a “What if Dickhead is my god?” And so it started.
The group of Charlie, Stoney, and I have to do a presentation on a selection from a book, and our selection is about religious displays. The presentation requires a skit. We decide early on that our skit will be about Dickhead, who is a lesbian god that smokes pot (also Bitchy Becky’s idea). We end up sitting through 6 shitty presentations over the next few days before realizing that we would do something different. So on a Wednesday night we gather at Charlie’s house with a bong and a notebook and get to work on our skit. The next day we display it to our class. Here’s the general overview of the skit, as it appeared that day:
Charlie kneels and prays his blind obedience to Dickhead (played by me, who else?) and says that he “Drinks my blood and eats my body.” Stoney comes up and tells Charlie to move from his prayer spot, because Stoney has to face Mecca by 5 o’clock. Conversation ensues, and Charlie explains the principles of Dickhead’s sexuality and herbal uses. Stoney becomes a follower of Dickhead. The next scene is Charlie and Stoney kneeling in prayer together, when one of them brings up the question of when Dickhead will reveal herself. I rise up as Dickhead and exclaim, “Look at all those subordinate primates with their salaaming and prostrating.” Stoney realizes in a state of disgust that Dickhead is indeed a male, and the two worshippers decide to follow a new god, Nippledick, while Dickead offers to whip it out for them.
The day after we show up to class and receive our grade, a B-, for what was the coolest damn presentation on the planet. At first, the three of us couldn’t care less. We’re out of there this year, and as long as we pass, everything is good. No one cares about some pointless hippy class anyways. Well, class was over with about 25 minutes to spare, so we decide to go ahead and find the reasoning behind Bitchy Becky’s grade.
“Finding the reason behind Bitchy Becky’s grade” turned into something of a 15-minute fight pitting Airhead Abby and Bitchy Becky against Charlie, Stoney, and I. Her basic argument was that our presentation was perfect, except for the fact that we offended people, so we were docked 10 points. She complained about how we “always had to push the envelope, and couldn’t just do what everyone else did [sic].” Pardon us for not being a bunch of boring dipshits. I never thought intelligence was so aversive. When we responded that the entire article was offensive to religion, Bitchy Becky completely denied it like a total fucking moron. At one point, our class was asked if they were offended by the presentation my group gave. About 6 people raised their hands, and about 4 of those people claimed that they didn’t even understand our presentation. Then Airhead and the Bitch told us that we offended their beliefs in Christianity by the little blood and body clause in our presentation.
I still don’t understand how saying “I eat your body and drink your blood” could possibly be offensive, it was just an example used to better deliver our point. It’s not like we said “I eat your body, drink your blood, and fuck you in the ass.”
That little gem of stupidity is what turned an argument simply to waste time into an all out brawl. It would have been one thing if she brought up our offensiveness taken (slightly) towards Muslims with our Mecca reference, and our video clip, which she deemed as “ok”, addressed a stereotype about Jewish people in a Family Guy episode that was banned from television. If she had pointed those out along with her Christian points, I would not be writing this today. The fact that the she only pointed out our allusion to Christianity because that was offensive to her exemplifies how much of a selfish, moody, hypocritical bitch she is. Who the hell are Airhead Abby and Bitchy Becky to grade people based on their own beliefs and opinions? Didn’t Hitler do that with Jewish people? For example, Hitler believed that Jews were dishonest, leeching people, and he deemed them unfit to live. Did that make slaughtering millions of them right? Think about it. One other noteworthy happening was when we finished our little skirmish, Charlie turned to the class and said “I’m sorry…don’t crucify me.” Priceless.
We took this whole outbreak to Vic, the VP of our school, and he basically told us that she acted out of anger, and that what we did was in the right, especially since there was no model that said that we could not refer to Christ. I appreciate the unbiased stance he took, which is seldom found amongst teachers. Hats off to Vic. He decided that we were right (of course) and we were given our points back, as if we even gave a shit to begin with. Apparently Bitchy Becky told Vic that the lesson behind that class was knowing you’re audience (which is complete bullshit) and being able to get along with them. At one point I told her that I knew the audience and how to communicate with them, I just didn’t give a shit. It’s not my job to be some politically correct shit-eater in the first place. If they can’t take a joke, fuck ‘em.
So, the real point I’m trying to get across here is that no one is REALLY offended by what another person says or believes. Anyone who thinks they are is just plain stupid. If someone says “Jesus Christ”, “Jesus tap-dancing Christ”, “fuck”, or “shit-mouthed uterus-scraping whore’s syphilis”, and it is not directed at anyone in general, there is absolutely nothing offensive about it. Anyone offended by someone using his or her lord’s name in vain is nothing short of an insta-Nazi. Just because you believe and follow the rules of any given religion, despite what anyone else thinks, doesn’t mean that you can try to hold anyone else to your beliefs on how certain words should be used, especially when they have nothing to do with you at all. I’m so sick of anal-retentive motherfuckers like this that I could just puke. Who really gives a damn?
I don't know which is worse, Bitchy Becky's blatant stupidity or the fact that she has a kid with those same genes. You know what they say, dipshits procreate exponentially.
Bitches make me was to shout "Jesus is a slut" just out of spite.