This article marks the beginning of a little idea I have. Every so often (whenever the fuck I feel like it) I will write an article about stupid hags I encounter and why I hate them. If you feel offended by these articles, they are most likely about you. In which case, you should commit suicide.
The hag I chose for this go is a teacher at good ol' Slinger Penitentiary..er.. High School. She's a social studies teacher and the bane of my existence. We'll refer to her as Melissa, the fat assed plague on my sanity.
I would post a picture of Melissa if I had one. She most resembles a clown by face, and earth by form. I say she resembles a globe for two reasons. The first is because she is fat as hell. No, scratch that. Saying she is fat is like saying Liberace is gay (Side note; it's come my attention that if you give you kid a name that ends in -ace and is pronounce "a-chi" you are branding them a homo for the rest of their lives). Melissa is so fucking rotund it borders on blasphemy. The second reason she looks like a globe is because you can see all the little animals running around on her. All of her clothes have giraffes, elephants, and zebras or some other stupid shit on them. It's like taking a trip to the zoo, not only because of the animals, but because you want to blow it up. I fucking hate the zoo, I hate Melissa. What the fuck is she eating to get that size anyways? Butter?
She looks like she should have been cast in the movie It because she wears so much make-up. It doesn't make any sense. I think she actually believes she's good looking. What does she think every morning? "If I plaster myself in an inch think of make-up people might not notice that I weight 300 pounds." It's about as practical as drawing stitches on a wound. With her rancid blue eye shadow and short, curly hair she looks like a baby Freud that got the shit kicked out of him. I don't want to see that shit (Melissa I mean, I love giving babies a bit of the old rough stuff).
Like it isn't enough having to look at this bitch, you should hear some of the gems that have cursed my ears:
"Basically, what they were trying to say in that jarbled mess of poor grammar is that we wanted to be treated equal."
"There probably won't be a war now. We might be diplomac" (Five minutes later) "Grammar is important, you use your language every day!"
"You are making a mockery of our fake court!"
"In college I was on a survey committee and 90% of all of the students didn't know who the US president was.","In college I was on a survey committee and 95% of all of the students didn't know who the US president was.","In college I was on a survey committee and 97% of all of the students didn't know who the US president was."
These are all things that she said either to me or to our American Studies 3 class last year, each one more retardedly put than the previous. I noticed she makes a majority of her grammar mistakes when she is bitching about other student's grammar. The third quote she said to me on the last day of school before exams when she kicked me out of class (where I sat with Charlie in Mr. Hayse's class screwing around). She kicked me out for being loud, obnoxious, and vulgar. Man I love me. I don't remember what I told her. I think it was something along the lines of "Nice sleuthing there, bitch. How am I making a mockery of a 'mock' court?" Note to the stupid; look up 'mockery'. The final quotes were awesome. When I called her out on that she wouldn't answer me. It was great. I love when I can get under someone's skin like that when I'm right. She's trying to act like she knows shit, and I can see right through her. That sounded gross as hell. One example is when another student asked her if she knew what the D in D-day stood for. She got so frustrated. Man I love making her look like a dumbass.
If I had to choose one person to kill, it'd probably be Laura Bush for being the anal retentive whore she is. If I had a couple more choices, I'd definitely put a hit on Melissa. Just saying that alone could get me arrested with all of this Columbine shit. Stupid patriotic bitch. She's one of those people that enjoys paying taxes and has that "America kicks ass" spirit that makes it obvious to everyone she's an insta-hag. I hate patriots. If she ever tried pawning her American pride on me, I'd stomp her fucking hole out. Recognize. What fucking right does she have to hide behind American values anyway? What the fuck did she ever do for the country (except for that whole dictating the tides deal)? She's always talking about how WE are going to go into Iraq and kick some ass. What the fuck does she mean "we"? Like she's going through boot camp, shipping herself overseas, and killing people. Please. She couldn't go a class period without sucking down a Dr. Pepper or two. I'd like to see her fat ass go without Mickey Mouse for a week. Disney blows.
Stupid hags are now pissed off because Disney blows