Gay Marriage: The Saga Continues

 

It wouldn’t be a new year without a re-emergence of religious tomfoolery and freak show news.  I’m talking, of course, about the topic of gay marriage.  Anyone who’s heard about the movie Brokeback Mountain (a film about gay cowboys eating pudding) knows exactly what I’m talking about.  “Gay Marriage” is a saucy term that is perfect for attracting ideological, sociopathic members of the religious right.   Don’t be fooled!  The issue that is really being dealt with is the government’s desire to control people’s lives.  The gay marriage debate is worn out news repackaged by Hollywood and brought to talking heads shows everywhere.  There is really only one opponent of gay marriage, and that is the Kongregation of Kristian Kooks, or the KKK, which they don’t prefer to be called.

 

          The KKK has some very compelling arguments if you’re into sticking your head up your ass.  They are against gay marriage because homosexuality is a sin.  The Bible says so.  So does the Pope.  In the times of Benjamin Franklin, the Pope also said that electricity was a sin.  So where does the Pope get us?  Let’s see if the bible can conjure up some more wisdom, shall we?   In the Bible, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.  No shit?  I kind of figured that was the case since there’s only way to reproduce, thus totally allowing our existence.  But let’s not forget, allowing gays to marry will diminish the sanctity of marriage, warp little children, and destroy the harmony of small communities.  The adversaries of gay marriage claim that God gave marriage to mankind as a union between man and woman like.  Thus, allowing homosexuals to carry the legal title of marriage would take away from the glorious scheme of matrimony, all while insulting God.

 

          First and foremost, overly literal religious people never have any good, empirical logic by which they base their opinions.  Therefore, almost any argument they have on any moral issue can almost always be discredited by that fact alone.  But, just for sport, consider this; there is no sanctity of marriage anymore.  The divorce rate is rising higher than ever before, and has not yet peaked.  How can anyone talk about the “sanctity of marriage” with a straight face?  What would God think of marriage today?  Virtually no one waits until they’re married to have sex.  Illegitimate pregnancies are no longer frowned upon.  Are there laws prohibiting any of those marriage defiling acts?  Hell no.  This is a prime example of what happens when people think that they know what’s wrong or right in the eyes of God.

 

Gay people are typically less inclined to have overly religious weddings.  They typically don’t go to Catholic or Lutheran marriage counselors, so I can deduce that their marriage is not very intimate with the Lord.  All that married homosexuals really gain is a legal status and a potential life insurance beneficiary.  If gays simply obtain legal marital status, then they have nothing to do with the idea of marriage that God cursed us with.  They look more at the legal and societal meanings of marriage rather that the sacred.  Marriages that are not especially holy aren’t tied to any idea of what’s sanctified and what’s not

 

          I was watching Larry King Live the other night (I think because I am secretly attracted to Anderson Cooper and I want to marry him) and one of his live from Washington D.C. puppets claimed that adopted children of gay couples would have confused ideas about marriage and sexuality, and that these children would not receive the same care that “only a mom and a dad can give.”  At that point I was pretty sure that anyone raised by a single parent was about to blow their lid.  Lots of people with a single mom or dad grow up to be normal people, decent citizens, and the whole nine yards.  I’d imagine that someone with two moms or dads would do just as well.  What’s the worst that could happen?  Gay people would become a majority and overthrow the Republican party?  So what?  I’ve been saying it for years, people need to stop reproducing.  It’s getting crowded here.

 

          There is above all one undisputable argument for gay marriage, and it’s basically the only widely accepted one.  What does it matter to anyone who isn’t a homosexual?  Who cares?  If gay people could get married, it would be almost no different for straight America than it is now.  It doesn’t mean that all men have to marry each other.  It shouldn’t matter to any heterosexuals.  I understand that the KKK thinks that they’re saving these people, but why bother?  You can’t stop them from committing the sin of homosexuality to begin with, so why care?  This is America, people can sin if they want to, damn it.  Do I have to say any more?  Hitler is in heaven right now (because God hates Jews for what they did to his son) shouting down to earth, “Wer gebt eine scheiβe?”   It’s pointless even for me to write about it.  Despite any intelligent, charming, witty, and eloquent master of rhetoric in history we still have plenty of overly racist, sexually frustrated Mississippians.  Fuck.  Who cares?

 

          I smell bullshit.  If the idiot box wasn’t talking about the sanctity of marriage; if religious kooks, like the president, were not blabbing in the media, no one would even think about the sanctity of marriage.  Most people don’t even know someone who knows someone who knows someone who is at the receiving end of a gay marriage.  How are the already married gay people, like Ellen Degeneres or Rosie O’Donell , hurting anyone’s marriage?  They’re not.  At least freaks like the two aforementioned won’t be able to reproduce.  Imagine how ugly their kids would be.  I know that there are probably not a lot of homophobic high school football players reading this, but I command those who give a shit about two men marrying ignore their blistering sexual insecurity and actually stop worrying about pornography for a minute.  The answer is clear.  Are religion, the afterlife, and sin clouding the obvious for some people?  Yes, but this is only an example.  Look at your life, is religion clouding answers for you?  Is other people’s religion making your life more of a bitch?  Are religious people making things more complicated than they have to be?  Most of you, if you look objectively, would say yes.  Don’t be fooled, it happens all the time.  If we’d stop looking at what God thinks is good for people we could actually figure out what’s good for mankind reasonably.  I hate religion.  I think I’ll paint a swastika on the 100 foot cross by my house.  A big swastika, as black as Auschwitz’s oven grate, will proclaim that I mean business on the gay marriage debate.

 

Even Hitler fell in line on this one.  I’m still waiting on word from James Earl Ray.

 

 

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