We need to put a stop to all of this moral filth. Violence in our music, sex and drugs on the television, publicized adultery, patriotism, Christian Children’s Fund, et cetera. I cannot believe it. What this country needs is a public with their balls frozen to the flag post.
That’s right, inappropriateness is now banned. The following words are not to be used anymore: sadist, masochist, any form of the word erect, or parenthood. Observe or pay the consequences, for I govern by divine right (since I stole Jesus’ identity over the internet).
Since I am a fair and kind ruler I will give you reason for my censorship (not that it matters anyway, under my authoritarian rule you can’t argue it). All of those words evoke thoughts of sexuality, a dangerous concept for an imbecile. People are having dipshit children and their dipshit children are having dipshit children twice-dipped, and they’re all voicing their opinions without realizing that they have no opinions and they’re complete morons.
How hard is it to believe something, or favor one thing over the other? It’s obviously pretty hard with all of the backpedaling opinions I find in every shitty publication, website, or radio station. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with being moderate on a topic at all, that’s not what I mean. Take this for example. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the future of the world;
By: Anonymous
Most people who know me know that I’m a die-hard Republican. However, G.W.’s decisions about this topic make me wonder a bit about who is going to win this next presidential election. Someone had better tell Dubya that the times are changing.
That’s right, folks. There are people stupid enough in this world to think that ‘turned into a video with about 15 seconds of black screen in the middle on MTV” is a good phrase to describing blacking out 15 seconds of the video (was that so hard?). Despite Anonymous’ obviously flashy rhetoric, there is one major flaw in (undoubtedly) her argument, specifically, that it’s bullshit.
This was printed in that shithole Nite Crier that seems to be popping up in every one of my columns lately. There are millions of examples of this kind of imbecility all around the everyday person. Some of these everyday persons contribute to it because they, too, are spoiled little asswipes that wholeheartedly believe that people give two shits about their nonsensical banter. How cool would it be if the Nite Crier let me read all of the articles in advance and write my own editorial critiquing how stupid the author is? They could run it right next to the original piece. If I got to do that with the gay marriage topic I could kick some serious ass, or so I tell myself. Then the jack-o-lantern reading it would be so ashamed that I ripped their minds a new one, and they would get all red in the face and try to argue me on it and just end up looking even stupider. Ahhhhhh, the possibilities;
It’s quite clear that the moron responsible for that yeast infection of an opinion column was the bastard child of an invalid and a turtle. Maybe the art room could use some surveillance cameras to cut down on the amount of glue huffing, it seems that’s become a problem. Here is my point-by-point analysis, match it up with the article, and I constantly refer to the author as a she because only a woman could be so dumb as to write something like that. Even an inept male would know better than to open his mouth when he has nothing to say. Wait, scratch that.
The author’s name was anonymous. Only pansies that use the name anonymous. Last time I checked, we weren’t Chinese labor slaves,, you’re allowed to have an opinion. Using anonymous instead of her name proves that she is scared that other people with think that she actually can function on a level above watching TRL and picking her nose in study hall.
1.Here’s a classic example of shitty writing. Start with an example that contradicts your entire opinion, and agree with it. Notice how she uses pointless phrases like “You have to be a certain age to do certain things” that have absolutely nothing to do with anything at all, much like her whole MTV point.
2.“I think that marriage is love, and whether or not the government thinks they have the right to ‘interpret’ things not even in the Constitution, it should be permitted.” This means nothing. First off, it says right in the Constitution that the government does have the right to interpret things not in the Constitution, hit the books. And her word choice implies that marriage is prohibited, she never specifies why she thinks gay marriage should be nationally legitimized.
3.The author apparently believes that by legalizing gay marriage, everyone will be happy. If gay marriage is illegal, gay couples will be unhappy. If gay marriage is legal, the people who believe that gay marriage is unethical will be unhappy. Not only is this person stupid, she’s also a hippy. “Let’s all be friends and have one big, douchy ending.” I hate hippies. I use them for kindle when I’m burning Jews and Chinks. Just kidding about that last one, I love those Ching-changs and their goofy babble talk. An ancient civilization that can’t even speak English. That God for Calculus.
4.She ends a paragraph in “…”. What the heck is that? She can’t even finish a single thought. There is no hope for the future.
5.She states that she is a die-hard Republican, removing all doubt that she is a complete and total moron. Another, equally confirming version of that sentence is, “Most people that know me know that I am a die-hard Democrat.”
That’s only tip of the iceberg, here. If anyone knows who wrote this, tell me so we can painlessly eliminate the parasite that dug itself deep inside her brain, it’s eating it away.
Now I think that someone should pitch that idea at next year’s Nite Crier meetings. I would probably make a few people cry.
Since everyone is probably wondering what my opinion on gay marriage is, I’ll share it. Gay marriage is legal, heterosexual marriage is illegal. Remember, where trying to prevent people from having kids here.
The point here is that people suck at making up their minds. “I believe gay making out scenes are bad because they NEVER HAPPEN IN PUBLIC” An untrue statement that smacks of bigotry. Way to go asshole. Believing that marriage is love, but permitting straight couples to publicly display it and not wanting homosexuals to do the same, though they should be allowed to get married in your opinion, is a little thing that we call hypocrisy. This person contradicted themselves 3 times in that article. The first person to point all of them out wins a prize.
One lucky reader could win a chance to buy me dinner at Red Lobster!