"It's hip to commit mass suicide!"
I hope every last one of those chuckleheads that shop at Old Navy get pubic hair caught in their zippers. Then they have to rip out every patch that stuck in the abominable cargo pants, until they only have bloody clearings on their junk and pathetic looking sprouts of hair cropping up from their shitty commercial writing...I mean balls. That's what I have to put up with every time I watch their absurd fucking commercial with the whiny Fran bitch. Someone needs to shut her up.
Old Navy is the obvious pick for shitty commercials. I have others that have just been festering in my mind for some time now. Check them out:
Geico. I swear, if Geico isn’t busy whoring out that gecko with the shitty accent, they’re cramming commercials with awkward good news presented at comically impaired situations with absolutely no structure whatsoever. It’s always the same story, voice A sets up a story (talking on the phone in an excited tone in front of a prison inmate, giving a bad weather forecast, etc.) which you think will end in disappointment, but guess what, there’s good news. No, you're not (being pardoned, going to see the sun this week), that financial mastermind voice A just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance! HOLY SHIT, WATCH OUT ADAM SMITH!
It’s bad enough that they use the same wretched formula for every commercial they pull out of their asses every two weeks without fail, but they could at least use a better situation. Here’s one I came up with.
A doctor walks down the halls of a maternity
ward, his scrubs splattered in blood, saturated gloves lay over his
shoulder. He walks into the waiting room
and stands facing a man, anxiously smoking a cigarette, but being a pussy and
not inhaling. The man looks up with an
apprehensive stare and asks in a bitch-ass tone, “Are they going to make it,
Doc?” The doctor shakes his head and
gives his speech, “The baby was actually sideways in the womb. I tried using the forceps to yank him out of
your wife’s stinking, steaming vagina,
only I gave up half way through because the LAST thing I need is another cystic
fibrosis lawsuit. We decided to go
Caesarian, but I was pretty hung over and I punctured her stomach on
accident. The stench made me vomit this
morning's partially digested pancakes inside your wife. That was totally my bad. Anyways, we removed her liver on accident and
stitched her back up with the baby still inside, but there is good news.” The man, somewhat relieved by the prospect of
good news, asks “They’re gonna make it? TELL ME THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE IT!” “No, but I just saved a bunch of money on my
car insurance!” The doctor takes off
down the hallway again. He turns around
and says, “Oh, yeah, your mom’s dead, too.
That’s a long story.”
I am a legitimate marketing genius.
Excedrin Tension Headache. Just thinking of this commercial gives me dysentery. The one I’m thinking of is the slightly racial man with an obnoxious looking grin stuck on his disproportionate face giving the worst faux-testimony ever. He’s all like “I take Excedrin Tension Headache because it works fast and I can take it with Prozac. I wonder what would happen if I took the whole bottle with a Smirnoff chaser…” I wish the commercial ended like that. ü
What is that saying about your product when you have to pay an actor to give a testimony on your product. It's like bribing the jury. By doing either one of those things you're explicitly saying that you have nothing to back up anything you say. Whatever respect they retained after paying for a testimony was immediately lost when you realize that they bought the worst actor known to man. The guy in that commercial is the worst actor ever. EVER! Honestly, it’s like he’s actually thinking in his head ‘Don’t forget your lines…don’t let them know you suck. “It works fast when I need it!” Now smile like a jackass like you did after every other line.’ Do you know what Excedrin’s platform is? “I use Excedrin Tension Headache because it’s the only one with tension headache in the name.” Do you know what the ingredients are in Excedrin Tension Headache? Acetaminophen and caffeine. Holy shit, it’s EXACTLY like Tylenol or Motrin, only with a different name! But of course adding Tension Headache to the name makes it that much better. In the name of fun, let’s finger better judgment’s asshole and see how we could apply this to other products.
“M-16 Assault Healer. Heals like no other machine gun on the market. Active ingredient: bullets.”
“Cya-sweet. Makes your cupcakes that much sweeter, makes other people’s lives bullshit-free. Active ingredient: Poison, you fucking moron!”
If you have a headache, smoke a bowl. Marijuana kills pain and helps you sleep. It also works great on anorexia and particularly anger-inducing situations. Active ingredient: SATAN, or so I was told.
I’m sick of stupid marketing ploys that try to blindside nitwits with less than half a brain. What’s worse is that these commercials and names probably trick people into buying a stupid product that could be bought generically anyways. I think TV waves are more carcinogenic than we thought, the whole world has developed some kind of judgment-impairing tumor.
Avlimil, Procrit, etc. These new pharmaceutical commercials are the worst, I’ll tell you why. Prices for patented drugs are through the roof, to the point where congress is pulling to lower prescription drug costs. The drug company’s defense is that the years of research spent in developing the product warrant such high prices.
Amidst such fuss the drug companies have been spending millions of dollars on shitty commercials played at every break on almost every channel, it’s good see where their priorities are! It’s hard to believe these bastards can say that the prices of drugs go to cover “years of research” with a straight face while their lame commercial drones on in the background.
As if it’s not far enough on the brain dead scale to have such an obvious agenda, they take it one step beyond and insult common sense and have über boring commercials. The point of a commercial is to sell things, but these commercials do that with about the same effectiveness as watching a middle aged man shave his ass to sell a razor. I can’t even tell what the hell half of these ads are selling. It could be boner-pills or fishing gear. And like the Geico commercials, they follow a stupid plot line. The first person has some sort of problem like (decrease sex drive, baby dick, social anxiety disorder) and they use some stupid pity technique (look out a window at people at a barbecue, eat a steak smaller than the man’s next to him and look back and forth like he's missed something each time to signify an inferior penis size).
“There is no cure, but there is help.”
The newly treated person (giggles on a bed with an ugly dog/husband, goes to the barbecue, dives off of a dock, opens a bed and breakfast) and life is good.
Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT! Life doesn’t work out like that. Moron ad writers think that they are speaking to consumers on an everyday level but they are only pissing me off. In real life the person in those commercials would a) be too much of a wuss/lazy son-of-a-bitch/cheapskate to talk to a doctor about the prescription or b) the drugs wouldn’t work. They would all end the same, too. I'd come on screen wielding a bong in one hand and a pizza cutter in the other, and proceed to take some serious chunks of flesh out between tokes.
These commercials are victims of shitty writing. It’s not ‘real’ god damn it. Jjust by adding a couple of average looking women to the commercials doesn’t mean that baby boomer asswipes want to fork over obscene amounts of money just so that you can pay to have sex with a 13-year-old Kampuchean slave boy. Who the hell wants to see average looking women in ads anyways? We want extremely hot naked eastern European supermodels, for Christ’s sake. That’s the only thing most (beer) commercials have going for them. If I wanted to see normal looking women I’d go to Sears. The same rule applies for plus size models, too. Nobody wants to see fat girls dorking around in stupid clothing, we want to see them maimed on a treadmill. As for the ugly clothes, they can be burned in front of a Goodwill outlet. No super hip zip action drawstring fleece pullover cargo vest for little Timmy this year!
From now on, every commercial I see better involve a myself, a bong and a pizza slicer.