I'm Just a Cuddly Bundle of Holiday Hatred.
I fucking hate Christmas. I hate everything about it. Department stores, trees, ribbons, reindeer, mistletoe, hugging, laughing, joy, fat people, stupid kids with sticky hands, I hope they all perish into the flames of hell (where Christmas was ironically forged). Santa doesn’t even come near me anymore. Last year I waited at the bottom of my chimney with a bottle of whiskey and a shotgun, and fat men can run like hell when you tell them to “get your stinkin’ hide off my property!” My little brothers were pretty disappointed, oh well. This year I’m going to put him in a bag with an angry mongoose and leave him in the basement, and put all of the elves up for adoption.
I don’t get this bullshit, what’s the point? Seriously, gift giving makes no sense at all. What, you spend money on other people in hopes that they buy you something in return? What a stupid fucking idea. Why not just take your money and spend it on yourself instead and get something you really want? Maybe a frontal lobotomy? Cut out the middle man. Gift giving is just a ridiculously backwards trend used by Christian strangle-holders to try to make people think that a pointless holiday like Christmas is less bullshit than it is. If I would have been in that stable when baby Christ was born, I would have ate him. No questions asked, I would have just walked up to Mary and snatched that motherfucker out of her hands and gobbled him up, and I might even go so far as to ass-rape her.
Don’t laugh, I’m being serious here.
What’s possibly worse is the hordes of jolly shit-eating apes that the Christmas season brings out. I decided, in one of my moments of poorer judgment, to go to Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving to acquire a few CD-Rs. This is never a simple task to begin with, seeing as how you need your green card just to walk into that place. And what a better way to kick off the holiday season than merrily driving my ass around for ETERNITY AND A FUCKING HALF just to find a decent place to park. I ended up having to plow some little old woman out of one of the handicapped spots. She wasn’t using it anyway, she was just standing there ringing a bell. It was a damned good spot, too, right by the entrance and all. People were even throwing change into this big red ash tray thing next to it. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that was the Salvation Army, but the lady had it coming, she had those crazy shifty eyes. I think a cop showed up, probably to arrest me, but I’m way to cool for his inferior skills, so I put my Swisher out in his eye and kicked him in the groine.
Imagine walking into a room, your bedroom, say, and you want to take a nap. You think you’re going to go in and fall asleep, no bullshit, and then, BAM, a 300 lb. woman knocks you down and sits on your head for a half an hour. That’s what Wal-Mart greeters are, just fat ladies that sit on your head. You walk into the store, just hoping to get out before needing to be quarantined, and all around you it’s “Hi, would you like a cart? Cold out there, huh? Have a happy holiday!” Hell, I’d rather have a fat woman sit on my head than have one more 85 year old dipshit with a fake, crooked smile tell me to “have a happy holiday.” No, go away. You don’t know me, and you don’t care about my holiday. I could get in a car accident leaving here, and no matter how much you’re convinced you care, YOU DON’T CARE! If anyone really expected me to have a happy holiday, they wouldn’t force feed me some parting comment that I just heard from the poor kid outside (sorry, no soup this week Timmy, and no socks either). Tits would be nice, though. A good Christmas flashing could put Hallmark out of business.
Just when I think that Christmas couldn’t be any more BULLSHIT, I come across a list of the “top 10 ways to avoid holiday stress” (an ironically stupid concept by itself), and took some of my priceless time to make fun of them for the enjoyment of my readers:
1. Hit the Gym
Whoops, this belongs on the list of “top 10 ways to make up for having an abnormally small penis”. How about we spare the gym and hit the execs over at www.exercise.com in the head with bricks of holiday cheer.
2. Lift Weights
You know, you can joke all you want, but Excersise.com gives a pretty broad variety of tips here, especially for a fitness website. Hit the gym, lift weights, never saw those comin'. Wait a minute…
3. Run or Walk
That’s right folks, this year avoid those moving sidewalks that we all use daily. That goes for all you wimps in wheelchairs, too. This isn’t helping me avoid stress, because no matter where I walk to I find more dipshits like these with their futile holiday tips and smug philosophical notions full of nothing but hot air…just what I need.
4. Meditate with Yoga
Not a chance in hell. Yoga? Go fuck yourself. Next we’ll be holding hands in a circle while some bearded whacko plays “lesbian seagull” on his acoustic guitar. Damn hippies.
5. Sleep
Thanks for the hot tip, had this not have been brought to my attention I just may have stayed awake from Thanksgiving through New Years, dumbass.
6. Cook--And Make it Healthy
I hate cooking, why do you think I still own slaves? It’s great to see that people have moved away from vague advice since the turn of the millennium. I’ll keep that in mind with all the other bland wisdom I’ve accumulated from Fingerpainting 101.
7. Shop
No. I refuse to set foot in any store for the next month. I’m even considering burning JC Penny’s to the ground.
8. Drink
The few lines that follow this tip are pricelessly
retarded. Remember
that alcohol can be dehydrating--if you drink (and you know you will), have a
glass of water between each drink to keep you sober and hydrated (and help avoid
a hangover).
What?
Why drink if you’re not going to get drunk? What a waste of fluids. Just drink an O’Douls and pass the Bacardi to
someone who isn’t too much of an incompetent fool to get drunk. Not to mention we all need excuses for
groping our co-workers.
9.
Just Say “NO”
Which is just what you’re dad should have said when your mom offered him that quicky in the movie theater bathroom.
10. Reward Yourself
Funny...this is the
same things teachers tell retarded children to do when they get a spelling word
right. There are other rewarding things besides facials and new shoes. Take suicide for instance…
It's official, Christmas has been OWNED! From now on, all Christmas celebrations and decorations will be carried out in my name. Failure to comply with my code of domination will result in an uppercut specially delivered to your chin-bangers. Recognize.
Dumbasses read this page and cannot figure out what chin-bangers are.