Title Not Given In Order To Appear "Badass"

Apparently Charlie, Levon, and I aren't the only shit talkers on the Internet (go figure).  There happens to be a dumbass who calls himself Brandon, seen at his site www.geocities.com/brandonlindquist/random.html.  I am specifically referring to his "My Randoms" section.  Basically, it's a blog that he uses to project his views in the whiniest tone ever taken by man.

This entire thing started innocently enough as an early November day.  When I was screwing around in the halls between classes, a girl in front of me dropped her books all over the hallway.  I thought this was fucking hilarious and started laughing.  I then project my laughter obnoxiously to draw attention to her and make her feel bad because I don't like that particular girl.  Then the other day I came across the following section in Brandon's Randoms and nearly shot my balls out of my nose with laughter.  Apparently this dumb shit has some opinions about me.  It's good to know I'm so badass.  Really, the flawed logic is just priceless.

11/07/03

Why do people go out of their way to appear "badass" or a "rebel". It aggravates me. For instance, a certain friend of mine constantly   tries to keep this image.  Someone drops their books and he runs over and fakely laughs vigerously in her face, totally making an ass of himself. But hey, I'm sure she was crying on the inside and I looked like I was mean. Mission accomplished, I'm a badass. I could tell deep down however, that he did feel sorry for her.(There have been many other occations like that)

Now, this certain "badass" wouldn't aggravate me so much if he wasn't so damn hypicritical. He yells and bitches at me for saying dumb words or talking in a funny voice. But at the same time he follows some religon (Nibblerism) that he made up with someone else. Along with that, a spoon named "Spaceship Dave", the "cap game", is in love with "Brak", and invented lady bug named "Nibbl-ah". Hmm. Yes, he is indeed badass.

I hope shooting yourself in the mouth becomes all-the-rage.

Oh, man, nice sleuthing there, Perry Mason.   I guess I will give this moron my point-by-point, not that he deserves it.

1. 1. I never knew I went out of my way to appear "badass" or a "rebel."  That's probably because I'm not badass or a rebel.  I'm sure I'm as badass as a white kid from rural Wisconsin could possibly be, moron.  Daily, I risk life, limb, and testicles performing tasks such as; brushing my teeth, eating spaghetti, and wrestling alligators.  I might be a jerk, I might not be your "normal" high school senior, but I am nowhere near badass.  
2. 2. That kind of induction leads me to my next question, what the hell is so badass about laughing in someone's face, you nitwit?  What would have been badass is if I ran up to the girl who dropped her books and kicked her in the throat when she kneeled down to pick them up.  Yes!  That is completely beside the point anyways.  
3. 3. Remember my column about talking out of your ass?  Here's a textbook example.  The reason I ran up to the girl and laughed in her face so "vigerously" and "fakely" was not just because it was a good opportunity to make my day better, but mostly because I hated the girl who dropped her books.  I want all of you readers out there to think way, way back to the very last Special Guest Column of the Fortnight.  That was the one about religion.  A little known fact about that article is that it was inspired by an actual fight I had with a really stupid girl that possibly made the three stupidest arguments for God's existence ever.  That's another story, though.  I even started a thread about it on the message board a long time ago before I wrote for this site.  That was the same girl who dropped her books, so naturally I decided to laugh loudly and point it out to everyone, with hopes that she might be stoned to death or bludgeoned or something cool like that.  Maybe you should learn the facts before you go around whining about people on the internet.  You always complain about people giving you shit, and now you know why.
4. 4. I would normally be willing to forget about all of that.  I'd even dismiss the fact that you have the grammar and context skills of a 9 year old Mongolian idiot, but you had to go and pull assumptions out of your ass again.  It's your trademark.  What I'm saying is, what makes you so sure I felt bad about her on the inside?  I didn't feel bad about her at all, why would I?  She deserves a hell of a lot worse than having to pick up her strewn books.  Perhaps you're just basing that assumption on nothing at all, and you actually have no clue about how I felt.  After all, you said yourself, "There have been many other occations like that."
5. 5. Next you say something about how I get pissed off when you say dumb words or talk in a "funny" voice (yeah, funny, that's the word).  Truth be told, I only get pissed off because you do those things intentionally to piss me off, and you admit it like you want a pat on the back or something.  Note to the readers, this generally results in me hitting Brandon with something, and him getting pissed off at me.  Let's get one thing straight, he's allowed to do things to piss me off, but if I do things to piss him off he'll generally respond by saying "What's your problem with hitting people!"  First off, I don't have a problem with it, HE does, that dipshit.  Secondly, I do those things just to piss him off, but he just cries about it.  All of a sudden I'm the "hypicrit"?  
6. 6. Is it really that hard to run spell checker, or do you enjoy sounding brain dead?
7. 7. As far as Nibblerism goes, I don't follow it, I am the leader of the Nibbler church along with my friend Jen, not a follower.  I'd also like to point out that Nibblerism is not taken seriously.  I am an atheist, and Nibblerism is meant to be one big joke with religious strangleholds as the punch line.  I can't believe I have to explain this.
8. 8. I don't follow a spoon named Spaceship Dave either, go stick a nail in your ear.  I fucking hated Spaceship Dave.  I spent all of my time trying to break the god damned thing.  For those of you who don't know, Spaceship Dave was a face drawn on a spoon, created by the same very person who co-founded Nibblerism (Jen, to all you people without short-term memory).
9. 9. Then you babble something about the cap game.  Allow me to explain the rules of the cap game, one person on one end of a circular table rolls a bottle cap to a person sitting on the other side of that table.  The receiver smashes the cap with his or her hand and launches a projectile piece of plastic at the people sitting at the lunch tables next to us.  This game is fun because a) we get to shoot shit at people that piss us off and b) it's a good way to get back at our school's administration because they suck.  I'll admit it, I play the cap game and it fucking rules.  It's almost as much fun as the pervert game, which, again, is a different story.
10. 10. I am not "in love" with Brak.  Brak was the evil enemy of Space Ghost on his 60s cartoon show, and was resurrected in the 90s on shows such as Cartoon Planet, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and The Braks of Life.  I enjoy his albums and shows, but I don't beat off to his picture like you make it sound like I do.  I like his randomness and the funny shit he comes up with.  I also wish to make it public that Brandon watches Brak, owns one of his CDs, and pretty much created a mantra of a character from Brak's very own late night show that he used on some fucking message board, and and BS Central's for months (Hippo the Lobster).  Not to mention he has the audacity to call me a hypocrite.
11. 11. Damn it, Brandon!  Just when I think you couldn't be any more of a dipshit, YOU FUCKING CONFUSE ME WITH JEN AGAIN!  I didn't invent a lady bug named Nibbler (pronounced Nibb-lah).  That was Jen's pet lady bug, whom we named the religion Nibblerism after.  How the fuck can you insult me when you can't even get your shit straight?  Idiot.  If I'm not correct, it was Brandon who made a fake lady bug named Nibbler to copy her.  I'm glad you figured out that I was the hypocrite, that really makes your arguments seem like you're a lot less of a feeble little girl.

I honestly don't think Brandon gets made fun of enough.  I mean he has a BLOG!  How fucking stupid do you have to be to have a web log babbling about some girl you're obsessed with (who hates you) and some random guy allegedly trying to be a rebel when no one gives a damn (except for the occasional few who read you're blog and find the retarded irony hilarious)?  I believe Brandon said in one of his random entries "All I do is give, and all people do is give me shit, all day long, why do I put up with it?"  Well, if he can't figure out by now why people give him shit, then he should do something about it.  Like stapling a rabid beaver to his forehead and getting a vasectomy.

In the end I do agree with one thing he said, "I hope shooting yourself in the mouth becomes all-the-rage."

People with blogs have read my columns and stapled beavers to their foreheads.