SUPERMARKET OF HORROR Return of the Evil Dead [The Ultimate Experience in Discount Shopping Terror] Based on the "Evil Dead" series Created by Sam Raimi Screenplay by Garrett Gilchrist (c) 2000 by Garrett Gilchrist First Draft Begun 9/6/99, Finished 1/12/00 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: 1 1920s RURAL FIELD - EXTERIOR - TWILIGHT 1 FADE IN Various workers are milling about, busying themselves with the particulars of storefront construction. Nothing out of the ordinary - very old-fashioned, nostalgic shots of an agricultural area being ruined by industrial change. BIG CLOSE-UP ON: A patch of dirt. One of the workers is pounding it flat with a shovel. As he breaks up the dirt, a few skeletal fingers are revealed sticking out of the ground. ANGLE ON WORKER He wipes his forehead with an oily rag. He is clearly taken aback by the sight. ANGLE ON DIRT Shovel. Worker pounds ground down further. An entire skeletal arm is revealed. Worker bends down to look at it. Doesn't touch it. WORKER Hey Ernie. You'd better come and look at this. ANGLE ON ERNIE Ernie is a man in his late fifties, smoking a cigar and clearly in charge. ERNIE What is it? We're about to put the foundations in. ANGLE ON CONSTRUCTION We can see the rough foundations of a largish general store being built. The worker is shaking his head in disbelief at the remnants of what is clearly a human skeleton sticking out from underneath the building site. WORKER Look. ANGLE ON REMAINS The worker digs at the arm, and even more of the skeleton can be seen. ERNIE Don't worry about it. ANGLE ON WORKER He is clearly worried about it. WORKER But boss ... ANGLE ON REMAINS A quick, accidental nudge of the shovel digs up what appears to be another bone fragment. A human skull is then revealed. And then another. And then another. The worker recoils in fear. He can't believe this. ERNIE I said don't worry about it, dammit. We've got work to do. WORKER All right, Ernie. I'll seal the site up. ERNIE See that you do. ANGLE ON SITE Ernie walks away. The construction will go as planned. The worker shrugs, and pushes the skulls back into the ground with his hands. He takes the skeletal hand into his own, and pats down the ground beneath it. Suddenly a second skeletal arm punches out of the ground, and both hands clasp around the worker's neck. He tries to scream, but the hands drag him down into the ground, underneath the building site, into oblivion. A trickle of blood issues forth from the hole, which then seals up by itself. ANGLE ON CRANE A sign is lowered into place. It reads "Sam's Savings Market." DISSOLVE TO: 2 ANIMATION - A TENDRIL OF SMOKE 2 swirls through blackness as a chorus of women's voices build to an eerie crescendo, from a musical note to a SCREAM. The smoke pulls in upon itself, like a thing alive. Black background, now. Over it a hard classical block typeface forms the words: A Sam Raimi Film BRUCE CAMPBELL vs. the: SUPERMARKET OF HORROR Return of the Evil Dead The title pulls forward into and through the camera. When it is gone, we immediately see an arc of light appear in all the blackness. We are driving along with a fairly high perspective, exiting a tunnel. Or, rather, the car we are looking at, a 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile, is. It is making its way at an easy clip along a stretch of country road. It is evening, not yet dark. CAPTION: "PRESENT DAY" LINDA'S VOICE Where are we going? 3 INT. OLDSMOBILE 3 ASH Well, I just have to run a quick errand or two. The driver is Ash, in his early thirties. He wears a neatly-pressed blue shirt and a smile. His dark eyes show little concern, and his square jaw is firmly set. He also sports black jeans and a single black batting glove on his right hand. Next to him is Linda, a pretty girl with wavy sand-blonde hair. She is wearing a green and white "Michigan State University" t-shirt and jacket, and is fiddling absent-mindedly with her delicate silver necklace. LINDA Dammit Ash, you told me you'd show me a good time tonight. ASH I show you a good time every night, baby. LINDA That's no excuse. ASH I just have to go to work for a minute and tell Eric I can't make it in tonight. LINDA You're not supposed to be working today anyway. It's a monday! ASH I was supposed to fill in for Ted, the night guy. He's been sick. LINDA Likely story. I thought you were gonna quit that place. ASH I am, baby. I just need a little more time there, 'til I can get the engineering job. Linda pouts. ASH Oh, come on Linda, baby, don't be that way. Look, if you want it I'll quit tonight, just like that. He snaps his fingers. LINDA (smiling) Would you do that for me? ASH Anything, anything. She cuddles up to him more, then fiddles with the radio. Short bursts of radio noise issue forth. Ash is annoyed. RADIO NEWSCASTER [VO] ... bodies of five college students and three unidentified townspeople were found yesterday in an abandoned mountain home near the Tennessee border. The house was owned by a Professor Raymond Knowby, whose whereabouts are now unknown ... Linda scowls, spooked, and keeps switching channels. 4 EXT. OLDSMOBILE - ROAD 4 The old car speeds along and out of our view. 5 BIG "S-MART" SIGN 5 Pull back from sign to show S-Mart store. This is clearly the same store we saw in the 1920s footage, only modernized into the wholesale megamarket of our times. 6 EXT. OLDSMOBILE - S-MART PARKING LOT 6 Ash pulls the car into the lot, and parks it. Some loud pop music Linda has selected for her listening enjoyment is blotting out all conceivable sound. Ash shuts off the car, and it stops abruptly. Linda seems a bit dismayed. Ash gets out of the car, and Linda follows him. LINDA It's so weird, isn't it? I mean, you can be all happy and vibrant and, like, alive one minute, and then, you're just, you're just gone. ASH What? LINDA Those five kids, stupid. In that house. The ones who died. That could've been us. ASH Oh. 7 FOREST 7 Evil-sounding breathing. We are moving at high speed through a forest, in the POV of what appears to be some demonic force. As it pulls through the trees we can see The S-MART, and in the far distance, Ash and Linda walking up to it. 8 S-MART ENTRANCE 8 Linda walks through the automatic doorway. Ash stops for a moment and glances outward, like he's heard something, but there's nothing there. 9 INT. S-MART CHECKOUT COUNTER 9 Teddy, a bespectacled youth in his awkward stage, is manning the register in uniform. An old lady is grabbing her bags. ERIC'S VOICE [over speaker system] Attention S-Mart shoppers. We will be switching to night hours in just two minutes. Please bring all items from the sporting goods, electronics, and cosmetics departments to the register at this time. TEDDY Would you like your receipt, ma'am? She ignores him. TEDDY (cont.) O-kay ... Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart! She has already left. The door closes with a "ding." Teddy, sighing, rips the receipt from the register and bends down to throw it into his tiny blue trashcan. When he stands up, Ash and Linda are standing right next to him. ASH Hello Ted. TEDDY Ash! Where the hell have you been? ASH Driving. I thought you were home sick. TEDDY I am! Well, I was. I'm sick anyway. Linda gives a disapproving look. TEDDY Look, the truth is, I've got a date tonight, and I can't afford to miss it. ASH (uninterested) Hot stuff, eh? TEDDY The hottest! And I need someone to cover for me, and, and, and ... well, you're here, aren't you? ASH Sorry Ted. I just dropped by to tell you I'm busy tonight too. Linda elbows Ash in the side. ASH Well, I'll be busy every night, actually. LINDA He's quitting. ASH Yeah. TEDDY You can't! I mean, who're we gonna get to replace you? Brent's leaving next week, and that leaves housewares empty! I don't wanna go back to housewares, Ash! ASH Deal with it. LINDA Come on Ash, let's go. They turn and leave. Teddy looks distraught. 10 EXT. S-MART 10 POV evil force shot, moving quickly all around the S-MART. It is seemingly looking for different entrances. The automatic doors do not open for it. 11 INT. S-MART ENTRANCE 11 Ash and Linda are about to leave, but the automatic door opens and shuts at incredible speed in front of them (with a quick "ding"), and does not open again. Ash hits it with his fist. It rattles. It is made of plexiglass. Linda looks at Ash, lost. ASH (to Teddy, offscreen) Hey, what's wrong with this door? ANGLE ON TEDDY He shrugs. ANGLE ON DOOR The door is opening and closing and opening and closing and opening again, seemingly mocking Ash and Linda. Ding, ding, dingdingdingdingding. They can't get through it. ANGLE ON ASH He looks at the door quizzically. As if in response, a voice comes from nowhere. WHISPERING VOICE JOIN US. Ash stares at the door bug-eyed. Is he losing his mind? ANGLE ON TEDDY TEDDY Try the side entrance. I don't think that one's gonna work. ANGLE ON ASH AND LINDA ASH Yeah, thanks for the tip. ANGLE ON A speaker on the ceiling. ERIC'S VOICE [over speaker system] Attention S-Mart shoppers. The sporting goods, electronics, and cosmetics departments are now closed. 12 EXT. S-MART 12 POV evil force shot, moving quickly around the back of the S-MART. Dumpsters and cardboard boxes are everywhere. Finally, it comes to Eric's office. He is the manager, in his late thirties but aging fast. He is holding a small intercom. There is a photograph of Ernie (the boss in the 1920s scene, with his cigar) on his wall. His window is open, and the force moves in easily. The rest of the window shatters as it does. 13 INT. ERIC'S OFFICE 13 All is calm. Eric turns and notices the window is broken. ERIC What the heck? 14 INT. S-MART 14 Ash walks briskly through shot. Linda tries to keep up with him. He stands in front of the door, posture straight as a post, anger in his eyes, as if ordering it to open. It "dings," and does not open. A moment passes. Ash is perfectly calm. Another moment passes. ASH GODDAMN YOU, YOU STINKING SONUVABITCH!! He beats hell out of the door with all he's got. LINDA Ash! ASH! He isn't listening. She tries to restrain him, but he simply beats the thing until he bleeds, to no avail. Finally, he stops, thinks, and realizes he's in considerable pain. ASH Aaaagh! He grabs his ungloved hand. It is beet red. ASH Dammit. There is a pause as Linda, slightly shaken, tends to Ash's wound. Burt from the electronics department enters. [Yes, he looks like an electronics man, confident and snazzily-dressed in muted red and green, with glasses, bowtie, and a ready pen or three.] BURT FROM ELECTRONICS What's the problem here? LINDA He can't open the door. Ash kicks the door, realizes this is futile, then kicks it again. Emily from cosmetics [small, blonde and frail, in a little green dress] and Jane from Sporting Goods [sexy, athletic and black-haired, in sneakers and cycling togs] are entering. Jane is eating an apple. Ash looks at the door angrily, then turns and walks away briefly, whistling, not looking at the door. Then, after a pause, he runs screaming at the door and smacks straight into it, falling in a crumpled heap to the floor. JANE FROM SPORTING GOODS Door won't open, eh? ASH Yeah. EMILY FROM COSMETICS Well, how do we get out, then? Ash growls at the door. BURT Well, these things usually aren't serious. I mean, maybe the sensor's not set up right. It needs to be able to "see" people come and go, or else ... He stops, startled, as Ash slams into the door with his shoulder. He is jumping up, trying to rip the sensor thingy or the door down. After a bit of this, Ash stops to catch his breath. Then he turns and marches offscreen. BURT Maybe it's just not getting any power. 15 S-MART AISLES 15 Ash walks like a bat out of hell down aisle after aisle. He knows exactly where he's going, and pays no attention to any of the clerks as he passes them. SEASONAL NEEDS GUY Hey Ash! How's it going? GIFTWRAP LADY Ashley -- long time no see! HOUSEWARES GIRL Oh Ash, did you file your last report yet? He reaches the hardware aisle. This is what he wants. He grabs a crowbar, and turns back exactly as he came. HARDWARE MAN Hey, you'll have to sign for that - oh Ash, it's you! How've you been? Ash is long gone. 16 EVIL FORCE POV - S-MART AISLES 16 Some of the shopkeepers turn and stare as the force zooms through a large-boxed cereal aisle, knocking over much of what it sees. A little old lady in a red cap and blue dress doesn't seem to notice any of it. 17 ERIC'S OFFICE 17 Eric is smoking a cigar when the glass on his door suddenly shatters. He stumbles to his feet in disbelief - this is going to cost him. He grabs the intercom. ERIC Attention S-Mart employees - just what is going on out there? 18 SIDE DOOR 18 Ash readies his crowbar for the swing like he's at the batting cage. He then pounds hell out of the thing. Linda covers her ears. Everyone stands out of Ash's way. His eyes are wild. The bulletproof door begins to dent. ANGLE ON ASH'S FACE We hear what he hears - lots of noise and pounding. Something screeches with every hit, and it isn't human. 19 ERIC'S OFFICE 19 Even from this distance, Eric can hear the crowbar pounding. Huffily, he stands, kicks his impressive chair aside and storms off to see what the matter is. 20 SIDE DOOR 20 Ash is inflicting upon these doors a full death penalty. The plexiglass is cracking in little spiderweb shapes, and there are holes in them everywhere. Everyone is holding their ears, ducking and keeping a safe distance. He stops to catch his breath. ASH ... Y'had enough?? Well? Have you? Aaah?? The door dings twice. This is the final straw, and Ash REALLY gives it to the door this time. As he's doing so, the horrified Eric enters. ERIC (shouting over din) Wh-what the hell do you think you're doing?? Ash stops and catches himself. ASH I ... don't know. But I'm pretty good at it, aren't I? ERIC You're destroying S-Mart property! Residual insurance isn't going to cover this! What in the name of great goddamn are you trying to do here? Ash silences him with one raised finger. ASH Hey! Don't toss your breath at me, sweetcheeks. I've quit this place, as of today, and I could care less about your little problems. ERIC Quit? LINDA (deliriously happy) Yeah. ERIC You'll get no severance pay! You haven't given me two weeks' notice! ASH Here's your two weeks' notice. He kicks what's left of the door, hard, and the entire plexiglass panel falls out and shatters on the pavement. Eric is purple with rage. ASH Come on Linda, let's go. Linda makes a weird little dancer's bow to the gathered crowd, and Ash takes her in his arms. They march off through the empty glass pane. JANE He could get more power if he'd just tighten up his stance. 21 ASH AND LINDA - TRACKING SHOT 21 The happy couple are walking along. He is proud, if exhausted, and she is giggling. He puts his arm around her, and she skips a bit as she walks. After a bit of this, they pass the little old lady in the blue dress, and then Teddy's register. Ash stops like he's realized something unpleasant. PULL OUT TO SHOW They haven't left the store. Ash and Linda are standing right back where they started. Eric, Jane, Emily and Burt look at them, quizzically. Ash growls, and storms through the door he broke again. Linda starts to go with him, but thinks better of it. The camera stays with her. After a moment's pause Ash comes right through into the shot again, from behind. He stops. ASH Dang. ANGLE ON DOOR It dings, and the empty doorframe fills up once again with plexiglass, like a glass being filled with water. ANGLE ON ASH & OTHERS - FACES OF DISBELIEF ASH That ... can't be right, can it? Eric is frightened out of his mind, but forces a sort of smile. ERIC Ashley J. Williams, I don't know how you did that, but consider all damage charges dropped. ASH Don't count me out yet, pops. I still got a crowbar and the night's young. Eric winces at this. 22 SPEAKER ON CEILING 22 We hear the crackling voice of a female Deadite. EVIL VOICE (over speaker system) Attention, S-Mart staff. If you're having trouble leaving, it's because we're not going to LET you leave. But then you knew that already, didn't you, Ash? [laughs] 23 ASH & OTHERS, LOOKING UPWARD 23 ASH Why are you picking on ME? Pick on Teddy. He's an easy target. TEDDY [offscreen] Hey! Linda has become angry at the unmoving boss, Eric. She pushes at him. LINDA Well, don't just stand there! Get the door working! ERIC Look lady, I'm the manager here. My grandfather built this place. If you want a repairman, go hire one. I'm spent for the day. She is too impatient for this routine, and starts hitting him. ERIC Ow. OW! All right, stop it, STOP IT! She stops it. ERIC I'll take a look at the stupid switchboard, okay? Geez. ANGLE ON ERIC & ERIC'S OFFICE Shaking his head and grumbling, he walks back into his office. EMILY Be careful! ERIC Yeah, yeah. He closes the door with a creak. For a second we see him in the shattered-glass windowframe, then he walks into the right side of the office and we can't see him at all. Utter silence. ANGLE ON ASH, LINDA & OTHERS The suspense is unbearable. They really think Eric is probably going to die in there. ANGLE ON ERIC'S OFFICE Nothing happens for about half a minute. The worry builds to a fever pitch. Suddenly, the door opens! ERIC I dunno how to work that thing. You'll have to go and look at it, Burt. Eric just throws his hands up in defeat and walks back. ANGLE ON BURT The electronics man swallows hard and looks around him nervously. BURT (with confidence) Yeah. I can probably fix it. What we got here, a Howard 21-A? That's a simple system. But he seems to leave with hesitance. ANGLE ON ERNIE'S OFFICE There is an unnatural glow shining from out of the shattered windowpane. Burt is shaking slightly. BURT Wellp, here I go. He walks slow, one step at a time, still looking back at the others. BURT Don't anyone try and stop me, or anything. He feels behind him for the doorknob. BURT Yup, here I go. Into the office. ANGLE ON ERIC, LINDA, ASH & OTHERS Frightened faces. It's a good thing Burt's going in, because they wouldn't. ANGLES ON ERNIE'S OFFICE Burt has opened the door. He tries to smile and have a quick laugh, but can't. He sighs, and enters, closing the door behind him. ANGLE ON LINDA She is hanging on Ash. LINDA Ash, I'm scared. ASH Come on, baby, what's there to be scared about? 24 A FEW FEET BEHIND THEM 24 The horrifying face of a possessed old lady in a blue dress rises up into the air, its twisted features a mangle of fangs and decomposing flesh. It is bathed in dark, firy light, and a foul autumn wind kicks up a spiral of dying leaves behind it. It is a Deadite. It screams with ninety voices. 25 LINDA, TURNING AROUND 25 She screams, too. Ash grabs her and pushes her out of harm's way. He stares at it in steely-eyed defiance, then ducks down slightly. ANGLE ON FLOOR Ash grabs the crowbar. ANGLE ON DEADITE It screeches and flies at horrifying speed directly AT THE CAMERA. FOLLOW DEADITE As it flies on hell's wings, until Ash's crowbar connects with its head and knocks it out of shot. ANGLE ON FLOOR The Deadite, sliding, lands in a crumpled heap. UPWARD ANGLE - ASH He takes two steps forward, into a heroic pose. ASH I'm sorry, lady. Cosmetics is closed. ANGLE ON FLOOR The wounded Deadite yowls with all the anger of Hades, and springs up into attack mode. 26 ASH BATTLES THE DEADITE 26 Though showing considerable skill with a crowbar, he seems to be fighting a losing battle. He hits it again and again and again, pop-eyed and frightened, but it just keeps coming. ANGLE ON LINDA She lets out a gasp of a scream. Eric, thinking quick, ducks behind her. 27 ERIC'S OFFICE 27 The normal pale lighting scheme has now been replaced by extremes in red and black. Burt does not seem concerned as he fiddles with the switchboard that controls all the doors. ANGLE ON SWITCHBOARD - LCD SCREEN READOUT All the exits have little red skull-and-crossbones signs over them. Burt pushes a few buttons, and those little marks disappear. ANGLE ON BURT - TRIUMPHANT He hits the last "execute" switch, and it's all set! But only at the last instant does he notice the white light growing behind him. He turns, and his mouth opens in a silent scream. 28 THE SIDE DOOR 28 The stubborn door opens with a "ding." 29 DEADITE AND ASH 29 The evil thing has Ash in a headlock, and is dragging him along the ground. DEADITE I'll swallow your soul! Ash notices the door is open. ASH Not yet. Freeing himself with the crowbar, he flips the beast into a tailspin, and brings his crowbar up at just the right time to smash its head in like a rotten apple. It has landed right in the middle of the doorway. He jumps back and slams the sensor device above the door with the crowbar. The Deadite screeches as the twin automatic doors suddenly close, and close hard, right on it. It is squeezed and sliced into atoms. ANGLE ON ASH The Deadite's blood and guts splatter all over him. He scowls and spits. 30 LINDA & OTHERS 30 They are shocked by what they have just seen, as well they should be. ANGLE ON ASH He wipes his face with his hand, and blood spatters down. Into the same hand, he then blows his nose. ANGLE ON OTHERS Shock, still. Finally, Emily from cosmetics gets up the nerve to speak. EMILY What was that thing? ANGLE ON ASH ASH Back in medieval times, they called these things "Deadites." A race of Evil Dead who want to live again. They come to our world to steal the souls of the living, and feed off of our ... Suddenly, Ash's face goes blank. ASH ... off of our, uh, our, our, uh ... He can't think of what to say. He gestures wildly with his hands. ASH ... I can't remember. I was trying to say something important, but damned if I haven't forgotten it all! ANGLE ON OTHERS There is a slight smugness from all but the worried Linda. Their faith in Ash as an idiot is undisturbed. ANGLE ON ASH He rubs his forehead nervously. We've never seen him like this. ASH (softly) What was I saying? No one says anything. Furious, he suddenly grabs Eric by the collar. ASH ANSWER ME, DAMMIT! WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT BACK THERE?? LINDA Ash. ASH! You're making a fool of yourself. I think you'd better sit down. Ash gives her a look that would shatter glass. She backs off, scared. But Ash calms down. Actually, he sits down, slumping like a rag doll to the floor. ASH Yeah, actually, I am ... kind of ... tired. I could use a ... rest. He buries his head in his hands. ANGLE ON OTHERS No one seems to know what to say. JANE Wait a minute ... Burt! He's still in that office! ERIC My office. EMILY Oh, I do hope he's all right. LINDA Well, you're so curious, go in and get him. EMILY I'm not going in there! LINDA Well, someone has to go. Jane is already edging her way toward the door, cautiously. EMILY You go! LINDA No chance in hell! I'm leaving in a minute. EMILY You can't! What if something's in there? LINDA Oh, don't be such a sissy. JANE Quiet! ... I hear something moving in there. EMILY Jane! No, don't get too close! JANE I said quiet, Emily. Silence. No one says or does anything. Jane looks into the windowpane. JANE That's funny ... there doesn't seem to be anything in there. Tension builds. With a steady hand, she flings the door open. The room is now basically empty. She shrugs, and two demonic fingers grab her throat. She screams. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT The Deadite is clearly Burt, but he is made to look truly horrifying. He is beastly, with pale leathery skin and completely white space where his eyes should be. Blood streams from his open, tongueless mouth. His clothes are in shreds, and he is covered in scabs and hair. He screeches. 31 JANE & POSSESSED BURT 31 He is digging his claws into her neck. JANE Hello Burt. What's new? ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT POSSESSED BURT BURT IS GONE! HE FRIES IN THE CAULDRON OF HELL! ANGLE ON JANE She grabs his arms, and tries to pull them off of her neck. JANE Yes, well, then who am I speaking to now? ANGLE ON BOTH The horrible thing growls. JANE Look, if you can't talk this out like a rational person, I'm afraid I can't help you. POSSESSED BURT Who the fuck do you think you are, to challenge the power of the Deadites? JANE The name's Jane. Sporting Goods. In an instant the possessed head retreats into its body like an old-fashioned puppet. Out of the hole where the head was, pops Burt's own normal head, crushed and bloody. BURT Jane! Oh, god, please don't be so brave. JANE What is going on, Burt? BURT They took my soul, I think. I don't know what they did, but man, it really hurts. Two demonic hands come out from either side of Burt's neck. Bone fragments fly everywhere. Burt screams. The hands push his head down, and it reforms itself into the possessed head. POSSESSED BURT YOU WHORE! YOU WILL SEE YOUR PRECIOUS BURT NO LONGER! HE IS SATAN'S BITCH NOW! AND SO ARE YOU! ANGLE ON BURT'S TORSO Two more demonic arms shoot out of Burt's chest. Blood spills out everywhere. Their hairy hands and six-inch claws seize Jane's neck, and crush it in on itself. JANE Hey, wait .... A crunching noise. Her head falls limply and hangs upside-down on her back, swinging side to side, attached to her body by just a thread of crushed and knotted neck. 32 LINDA, EMILY, & ERIC 32 Eric screams. The Possessed Burt-thing shoots forth at exaggerated speed, and slams him hard in the chin. Eric is flung upwards, hitting the ceiling and knocking out a fluorescent light. The Burt-thing holds him there, and Eric receives a major electrical shock. It then beats him like a potato sack onto the floor, breaking both his legs off. ANGLE ON ERIC'S BLEEDING LEGS ERIC Oh God, oh holy God in heaven, just kill me now. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It roars. ANGLE ON ERIC He screams and whimpers, crawling away on his bloody stumps. Little trails of blood follow behind, but Eric is clearly still all right otherwise. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It follows him, flying elegantly. Suddenly -- ANGLE ON ASH He is standing, crowbar ready, and his face is cleaner. He puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles loud. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It stops, and turns around to look at Ash. POSSESSED BURT Hrrrhm?? ANGLE ON ASH ASH Hey. He-Bitch. Let's go. ANGLE ON LINDA She gasps. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It howls, and attacks. ANGLE ON ASH He slams his crowbar forward like a brick wall into the thing's head. It is only stopped for a moment, though, and it has razor claws. LINDA Ash, be careful! ASH Yes, sweetheart, I will. It slashes at him, again and again, and he jumps back to avoid it, but his face and shoulders sustain cuts. LINDA ASH! Recovering, he wields the crowbar like a knife, and stabs the thing. It bleeds, but this isn't enough. Ash swings wide. ANGLE ON ASH'S LEFT HAND (HOLDING CROWBAR) The beastie grabs Ash's wrist, stopping him in midswing. With one of its free hands, it then whacks the crowbar out of Ash's hand. We follow the crowbar. 33 JUST BEHIND SPINNING CROWBAR POV - THROUGH AISLES 33 We watch the crowbar spin as it flies at high speed and smashes into an oversized gumball machine. The gumballs all spill out in a glorious sugar stream. 34 ASH & POSSESSED BURT 34 Gumballs spill out all over the floor. The beastie is crushing Ash's left wrist. It grabs his bad (gloved) right wrist too, and flings him into the air and backwards. He lands in a [full] shopping cart, which flips sideways and drops him rather unceremoniously on the ground, showering him in baseball bats, tennis balls, ice packets, and things for the wife. The cart itself then tips upside-down and conks Ash squarely on the head. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT Growling in glee, it makes a quick, loose-legged run for him, but fails to take into account the gumballs on the floor. It slips grandly, flips and lands painfully on its back, a flattened sack of goo. ANGLE ON ASH Quickly and urgently, and tipping over like a drunken monkey from all the pain he's just endured, he lifts the shopping cart over his head. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT'S FACE It is a mess. From the flattened, bloody pancake two pathetic round eyeballs pop out. POSSESSED BURT NO! The shopping cart lands on the Deadite hard, and grates him like cheese. ANGLE ON ASH, TRIUMPHANT He looks down at the bloody smudge he's made of the Burt-thing. ASH ... We're gonna need clean-up in aisle ten. 35 LINDA & EMILY 35 Linda gushes with joy. Ash is her hero. Even the legless Eric, visible in the background, seems relieved. Emily is unsure. ANGLE ON ASH He walks heroically back to Linda, before slipping, hard, on some gumballs on the floor. ANGLE ON OTHERS All look a bit shocked. Emily maybe hiding amusement. Linda rushes down to help him. ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA She grabs him and helps him to his feet. ASH I'm all right, I'm all right. LINDA Well, sorry to spoil the party everyone, but it's definitely time for us two to go. EMILY You can't! I mean, what if there are more of those things around? LINDA Yeah, Emily. What if there are? EMILY We might wind up locked in here again, and without Ash, well ... well, you saw what happened to Jane, dammit! LINDA Tell it to someone who cares. EMILY (moving toward Ash, amorously) Maybe I will. LINDA That doesn't include my boyfriend, you dried-up little slut. EMILY You're a real bitch, you know that, Linda? You've always been a bitch. I got myself transferred out of customer service and into cosmetics, just so I wouldn't have to work with you. You can play your little power-games all you want, but I'm wise to you now, and there is no way in hell I'm gonna get myself killed on your account. LINDA You done? EMILY I'm done. LINDA Good. Now let's get a few things straight. I've quit this place, and so has my boyfriend. We don't have to stay and help any of you. I don't care if three hundred of those, those ... Deady things come out and slaughter the lot of you. ASH No one's getting slaughtered. We're all leaving. Even you, Emily. EMILY What about Jane? LINDA What about her? She's dead. ASH We'll call the police in the morning. Get your things, and a stretcher for Eric. If we don't get out of here quick we won't get out at all. 36 S-MART FRONT AISLES 36 Long dolly shot. Everything in the store is laughing at Ash. End on Ash's angry face. ASH What ... the ... hell? ANGLE ON TOASTERS Popping up, laughing. ANGLE ON BLENDERS Turning on, running over with blood, laughing. ANGLE ON TEDDY TEDDY Dude! This is not kosher here. 37 SPINNING, DISTORTED CAMERA 37 More horrible laughter. ANGLE ON CHILDREN'S TOYS All sprouting hideous faces, laughing. ANGLE ON TOY BEARS Vampiric, white-eyed deadite teddy bears, fangs dripping with blood. ANGLE ON RIFLES, LIKE ASH'S In a glass display case, laughing. ANGLE ON ASH ASH Yeah? You think it's funny, huh? I bet you think it's real freakin' funny. You think you can just march in here with your dead people magic and give us a real good scare, don't you? Like you can just do ANYTHING you want! 38 ZIP PAN DOWN THE AISLES 38 The laughter is getting more echo-y and bizarre, musical even. It dies down greatly. 39 ASH, DEFIANT 39 ASH Well, come and get me! I'm waiting! Or are you scared you can't take me? [gives in to the laughter] YEEEAHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAA!! The entire toy aisle dumps itself right on Ash. He is buried beneath vampiric toys, and begins to scream. The laughter has stopped. 40 ASH BURIED UNDER TOYS 40 His screams are muffled. He pops out from beneath the fuzz, and spits out a frisbee. Teddy bears are biting at his neck and drawing blood. A large yellow bouncy-ball hits him again and again in the head. He battles his way out from beneath the pile of toys, but half of them are still attached to him. He is kicking and struggling for all he's worth, screaming "AAAGGH!! AGGGH!!" 41 TRACKING SHOT WITH FLYING BLENDER 41 We see a blood-filled blender, with its snakelike cord, whirring and spinning for all it's worth, fly right at Ash's neck, and we track with it. 42 BLENDER HITS ASH 42 The cord wraps itself snakelike around Ash's neck, choking him. Its blades become larger and it upends itself right onto Ash's head, covering him in a thick red substance, like a blood daquiri. 43 ASH, HEAD STUCK IN BLENDER 43 His screams are muffled. The blender is trying to frappe him! 44 LINDA AND OTHERS, BAFFLED 44 They are dumbstruck, and just stand there gawking. 45 ASH CHOKING 45 The blender's blades are messing up Ash's hair, and are about to give him serious unrequested brain surgery, but mainly he's choking, tugging at the power cords strung tighter and tighter around his neck. LOUD blender noises. ANGLE ON ASH'S LEGS There are still one or two vampire teddy bears gnawing at his legs. He kicks one of them off. ANGLE ON BALL It bounces menacingly. 46 LINDA 46 She rolls her eyes at the idiocy of the situation -- Ash has gotten himself in trouble again! She walks forward to help him. ANGLE ON BASEBALL BATS About six of them, perfectly synchronized, rise up in the air -- a few notes of "batter up-CHARGE!" play on the soundtrack. One of them leaps forward to attack Ash. ANGLE ON LINDA Walking right next to Ash, she grabs it as it flies, unconcerned, and takes it into a batting position. She licks her lips and gets ready to swing. ANGLE ON ASH'S TORTURED FACE He is screaming, and his face is getting cut up again. ANGLE ON LINDA AND ASH She SWINGS! The blender shatters, falls off and dies, and basically Ash is hit very hard on the head by a baseball bat. With a grunt he falls face-first onto the floor. ANGLE ON ASH HITTING GROUND He hits a fluffy kitty pillow. It squeaks. 47 EVERYONE, DUMBSTRUCK 47 Utter silence. 48 LINDA AND ASH 48 Linda, shocked, drops the bat and scrambles to help Ash. LINDA Oh! Oh geez! I'm sorry Ash, I didn't think the bat would hit you head-on like that. He grabs her shoulders very hard. ASH Then you shouldn't have SWUNG IT AT MY HEAD LIKE THAT ... sweetheart. He lets her go. His face is covered with red goo. He spits. LINDA I'm sorry. ASH Don't be. You were saving my life or ending it. It's a good day for either. [rubs head in pain] Owwww ... ANGLE ON EMILY EMILY Thank heaven that fluffy li'l kitty pillow was there to break your fall! ANGLE ON ASH Ash picks up the pillow and looks at it. ASH I hate fluffy little kitty pillows. He spits blood onto it, looks at it, and then lets it drop. It squeaks loudly as it falls. 49 ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE 49 A demonic figure materializes out of smoke and fire. It looks just like the white-eyed, possessed Ash seen in "Evil Dead 2." POSSESSED ASH YOU SHALL NEVER TAME THE NECRONOMICON! WE SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS! It disappears in a puff of smoke. 50 ASH, LINDA, EMILY, ERIC, AND FIVE EXTRAS 50 ERIC What in God's green hell was that? LINDA Ash! That looked like you! Tell me that wasn't you! ASH It wasn't me, sweetheart. It was way too ugly. EMILY What was that he was talking about? The "Neck-ro-nommy-con?" ERIC Ah yes, the Necronomicon. Roughly translated as, "The Book of the Dead." EMILY Sounds icky. ERIC It is. Help me into a chair, will you? I'm already bleeding to death; I don't want to freeze to death on this cold tile as well. Emily helps the legless Eric into a small business chair, with wheels, that is nearby. ASH The NECRONOMICON. No, it couldn't be. I haven't heard that name since ... since ... well, I don't think I've actually heard it ever. Yes, that must be it. I'm hearing that name for the first time, Necronomicon, okay, tell me a bit about the Necronomicon. ERIC No. ASH Dammit, tell me about the book! How do you know about it? Do you know how to fight its power? ERIC You're scaring me, man. EMILY So you DO know what this Necro ... monicon thingy is, Ash? ASH Er ... no. Never seen or heard of it before in my life. LINDA Well you've CLEARLY heard of it Ash, otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you so much. He grabs Linda roughly. ASH [screaming, demonic voice] LOOK, I HAVEN'T HEARD OF NO FRICKIN' NECRONOMICON, ALL RIGHT?? SO LAY OFF MY CAAAASE!! Ash returns to normal. He lets go. ASH Sorry. I ... don't know what got into me. EMILY "Lay off my case?" That's an odd expression, isn't it? ERIC [boredly] The Necronomicon is a book by Professor Raymond Knowby. It was apparently translated from an ancient Sumerian text, all funeral rites, bringing the dead back to life, that kind of nonsense. We got it in stock yesterday, and haven't sold a copy yet. ANGLE ON ASH, TERRIFIED ASH You got it in ... stock ... ERIC Yesterday. Paperback only. He stands up and acts like he's going to throttle Eric. So he does. ASH THEY PUT THE NECRONOMICON INTO PAPERBACK??? DISSOLVE TO: 51 A DARK PLACE IN HELL, A PRINTING PRESS 51 A crew of skeletons are working hard, whipped and beaten constantly by their skeleton taskmaster. TASKMASTER Come on, put some backbone into it, you lazy sons of whores! He whips to punctuate this remark. A skeleton winces. TASKMASTER Barnes and Noble called; they want eighty thousand more copies by friday! He whips again. We see the assembly line, where each paperback copy is being put together with loving care. Each is bound in the "HUMAN FLESH" machine, and inked in the "BLOOD" machine. TASKMASTER Bound in human flesh! Inked in blood! Let's see these on to the world of the living! He whips again. SKELETON WORKER [to worker next to him] I hate blue-collar work. The taskmaster whips him for that. DISSOLVE BACK TO: 52 S-MART, BOOKS AND MAGAZINES AISLE 52 Ash is looking at the paperback Necronomicon. It still has that fleshy quality to it, but is much squarer, smaller, slicker, a very nice bit of work. He turns it over in his hands, astonished. ASH [reading] "The Necronomicon, by Prof ... Raymond ... Now ... bye." LINDA That's "Knowby." ASH [annoyed] I know what it says, alright? EMILY But what is it? ASH "The most thoroughly evil book ever written -- Newsweek." EMILY Wow. LINDA Is this why all these, you know, strange things keep happening? EMILY Well, duh. LINDA Shut your stinkin' pie-hole, Emily, before I shut it for you. ASH I remember now. I don't know how I could've forgotten it all in the first place. I suppose I wanted to forget. Ash scratches his right hand with his left absentmindedly, as if the right hand, still covered with a black batting glove, is bothering him. ASH That was when I lost my hand. ANGLE ON ASH'S RIGHT HAND He RIPS the batting glove off and underneath is nothing but metal, and rusty metal at that, a decaying mechanical artificial hand ... ANGLE ON ASH, EMILY, AND LINDA Linda gasps, shocked. ASH I first saw the damned book at that blasted cabin. Emily takes a copy off the shelf and begins to read it. Scott was there, and Shelly, and my sister, Cheryl. She was the first to go. We decided to play the Professor's tape. That was our first mistake. DISSOLVE TO: 53 FLASHBACK -- TO MATCH WITH OLD FOOTAGE 53 From first and/or second "Evil Dead." The tape playing. ASH [V.O.] He was translating the book. We could hear him speak those strange words. A horrific running tracking shot through the woods. ASH [V.O.] The tape awoke something dark in the woods. The camera goes into LINDA'S BEDROOM, smashing the window and heading straight into her mouth. ASH [V.O.] It took Linda. 54 BACK TO S-MART, BOOKS AISLE 54 LINDA [angry] Wait a minute, it "took" ME?? ASH Yeah. Emily is still reading the book. LINDA What the hell is that supposed to mean? ASH You became possessed, one of the evil dead. LINDA Did I miss something? When did all this happen? Who the hell are Scotty and Shelly and Cheryl? DISSOLVE TO: 55 FLASHBACK -- TO MATCH OLD FOOTAGE 55 "Evil Dead 1" footage of Scotty and Shelley and Cheryl as she says this. ASH [V.O.] A living evil was out there, in the woods, in the dark. POSSESSED LINDA, white-eyed, evil, grinning demonically as in "Evil Dead 2." She marches, wrists out, toward Ash, who is utterly paralyzed with fear. ASH [V.O.] Whatever it was, it'd gotten into Linda. So I had to lop her head off with a shovel. Ash LOPS LINDA'S HEAD OFF with a shovel. It rolls towards him and smiles. He screams. 56 BACK TO S-MART, BOOKS AISLE 56 LINDA Ashley J. Williams, WHAT IN THE OUTHOUSE OF HEAVEN are you talking about? EMILY [still reading] No, he's right. It says right here. LINDA WHAT? EMILY [reading, brightly] The massacre at the cabin. Killed were Shelly York, Scott Delrich, Professor Raymond Knowby, his wife Henrietta, his daughter Annie, her fiance Ed Getley, Jake Hicks, Bobby Joe Hicks, geez, what a bloodbath ... ANGLE ON BOOK, EMILY'S FINGER TRACING THE ILLUSTRATED TEXT AS SHE READS EMILY [cont.] ... but look, here we are. Cheryl Williams, I guess that was your sister, Ash, and Ash Williams, hey that's you Ash, you're in here, neat! Oh, and Linda Baker. ANGLE ON EMILY She points the book out so that everyone can clearly see it. EMILY That's you, Linda. You're dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD. So THERE. She closes the book. ANGLE ON ALL THREE EMILY That's a pretty cool book, you know that Ash? I love that occult stuff. Linda screams in rage and pounces on Emily, beating the living crap out of her. ANGLE ON ASH ASH Now now now ladies, violence never solved anything. ANGLE ON EMILY AND LINDA, FIGHTING They look up at him, angrily. ANGLE ON ASH ASH Well, except for some of the stuff I did earlier, but BESIDES THAT ... ANGLE ON EMILY AND LINDA They go back to fighting. 57 FIGHTING EMILY & LINDA, AND ASH 57 They are really tearing into each other. Emily is fast on her feet, but Linda can throw a punch and has apparently taken self-defense classes, perhaps Tae Kwon Do. Ash simply watches, confused, distant, a hint of a smile on his face. He is holding an open copy of the Necronomicon. Emily is knocking Linda back with swift and deadly kicks as Ash shrugs and walks away. The camera stays with the ladies for a few seconds and then follows with Ash. 58 TRACK WITH ASH, WALKING THROUGH AISLES 58 Ash is absentmindedly reading the unholy book, walking very fast down aisle after aisle and mumbling to himself. Apparently he can't read without reading aloud somewhat. Again, he pays no attention to any of the clerks as he passes them. ASH [under breath] Demonic resurrection, how to bring the dead back to life ... warning, they will become evil. Do not attempt this spell if you are already dead ... SPRAYPAINT MAN Ash! You're all right! I heard you were in a fight earlier! LINGERIE GIRL Hey Ash! Do you know what all that noise was about? GIFTS FOR HER WOMAN Ashley! It's you! You scared me half to death ... ASH [under breath] Yeah, yeah, yeah, get the fuck outta my face ... burial rites, gifts for the recently deceased ... geez, this reads like stereo instructions. JANE [sexily] Hello Ash. Ash stops. There she is, big as life, the late Jane from Sporting Goods. Her neck is still obviously crushed and knotted and to keep her head from dangling behind her she has to hold it up with her right hand, which is beginning to rot slightly. Otherwise she looks fine. Better than fine. ASH Hi Jane. I thought you were dead. JANE I am. ASH Yeah, me too. Isn't life a bitch? JANE [emotionless] When did you die, Ash? ASH I dunno, a few days ago, maybe a few years ago, at some cabin. Says so right here. Maybe time doesn't mean anything anymore. JANE Linda's dead too, isn't she? ASH Why would you think that? JANE [demonic voice] We're all dead here Ash. I'm dead, you're dead, the entire human race is dead dead dead. Her eyes turn a pale white. She lets go of her head and it drops, dangling by a thread of stretched-out neck in front of her. CLOSE-UP, POSSESSED JANE'S UPSIDE-DOWN HEAD Her mouth is black and she has fangs. Her face glows with an unholy fire. POSSESSED JANE YEEAAHHHH, real mondo big dead time right here for me. ANGLE ON ASH & JANE She moves gracefully, like a dancer. POSSESSED JANE Isn't it WONDERFUL? Ash pauses a moment, and then slaps Jane's head. It bounces back and forth like a tetherball. She seems sick and dizzy. ASH Snap out of it. Jane growls. POSSESSED JANE YOU WILL DIEEEEEEE. ASH Again? POSSESSED JANE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. ASH Well see, that's the part I don't quite understand there. I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm walking around ... The demonic Jane screeches and charges at Ash, trying to bite his face off. He dodges her but everywhere he goes her head can stretch out to reach him. She claws at him, bites his legs, and finally just spits on him. He stops in his tracks. ASH You SPIT on me?? ... Bitch. He punches her in the face again and again and again, her head bouncing back like silly putty. She screeches and feigns death. WORM'S EYE VIEW ANGLE - JANE ON FLOOR, ASH ABOVE She is utterly still. Silence. Ash takes a step forward, wary. Pause. WHAMMO! Jane flips her legs up and knocks Ash over with a gymnast's whip-kick! She pushes herself up with her hands, flips three times in mid-air, lands on her back and bounces like rubber. Ash gets up. She throws a flurry of punches, knocking Ash back and beating the utter living shinola out of him. 59 SPORTING GOODS SECTION 59 The demonic Jane is still knocking Ash back, straight into the sporting goods section. We move past the cash register, and onto a small photo and notice posted on a little standup sign next to it. ANGLE ON PHOTO AND NOTICE Jane stops. The photo is of her, one month ago. It reads "Salesperson of the Month" with a hastily-added paste-on reading "JANE TYLER" in a small font. ANGLE ON JANE'S FACE She picks her head up with both hands and lifts it up to stare weakly at the photo. POSSESSED JANE What's happened to me? The clouds are removed from her eyes and she returns to her normal self. ANGLE ON JANE AND ASH She cries and begins to bleed profusely out of her eyelids and neck. JANE [crying] Oh, ASH. She hugs him tightly. He looks very confused. Then he thinks, and reaches for her backside. ANGLE ON JANE'S BACK POCKET He grabs the keys from her pocket. ANGLE ON JANE HUGGING ASH She is crying, eyes shut, and bleeding all over him. JANE We're dead, aren't we Ash? Where do we go now? What're we gonna do? Pan over to Ash fumbling with the keys in his good hand, sliding over with Jane to unlock the case of rifles. Remington, double-barrel repeating rifles, good stock. ANGLE ON KEYS IN CASE Ash gets it open. Rifles fall out all over, making a terrible noise. ANGLE ON JANE JANE ASH! You opened up the gun case! You were trying to kill me! ASH [nervous] Jane, I can't kill you, remember? You're already dead! So am I! Right? She SCREECHES and rises three feet up into the air, turning fully demonic, oozing blood, her neck twisting into a tight granny knot. POSSESSED JANE I'LL SHOW YOU HOW DEAD YOU ARE!! She LUNGES forward and grabs Ash's head TIGHT, lifting him up off the ground in a very painful way. He grimaces, and starts to tickle her with his good hand. She laughs and drop Ash. He hits the ground and does a barrel roll, grabbing one of the guns, and snagging its ammunition, AND loading it, all in about seven seconds. He comes out of the roll in a kneeling position, gun resting on his knee and ready to fire. ANGLE ON JANE She SCREAMS menacingly, and gets her entire upper torso blown off. 60 ASH, TRIUMPHANT 60 He stands, gun in hand. ASH Dead, alive ... I'm the guy with the gun. 61 JANE'S REMAINS 61 What's left of Jane is a smoky pile of goo. But it still has a head and legs. It moves, and starts to sit up. ANGLE ON ASH Shocked. ANGLE ON SPLATTERED JANE Bits of her hands appear, shorter and stubbier now, awash in bloody muck. They grab her body cavity and pull it together, pushing her entire body inward to kind of fill in the spaces the rifle blast blew apart. She stands in a wobbly way. She is now a midget, and her head still barely stands upright. Her knees are shaking. POSSESSED JANE You bastard, Ash. I was trying to be your friend. Ash is dumbstruck, frightened. The thing walks towards him. POSSESSED JANE We could have been great together, Ash. We still could be. It smiles a toothy grin, and its teeth ooze with thick blood. She is crawling with worms and maggots. POSSESSED JANE Come on Ash. Dance with me? Ash screams. Jane smiles and grabs him. Light music plays, and she begins to dance with him. He struggles, but she overpowers him, and just keeps on dancing. 62 ASH AND POSSESSED JANE, SLOW-DANCING 62 As if there's no one else in the world. She puts her head on his shoulder, and takes a bite out of it. He screams and screams and screams. 63 ASH AND POSSESSED JANE, SPORTING GOODS 63 The music eventually stops, and Jane just begins laughing and pushing Ash in a joking, happy way, even as she oozes blood and goo from every pore. She does a little jig of her own and kicks him repeatedly. He is yelling and screaming and hollering. Finally she GRABS him forcefully, and rips his entire body in two. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: 64 THE HALL OF MIRRORS 64 Complete nothingness. We begin on Ash's terrified eyes. Everything is very muted and grey. We zoom out to show Ash in a sort of limbo, floating in space, a sort of hall of mirrors, a funhouse world with floors of glass, a bizarre place. He looks at his right hand, and realizes it's not mechanical -- it's back to normal. He rubs it, just to prove to himself it's there. He looks at a thousand reflections of himself and realizes his hair and clothing are somewhat different. He looks more like he did in the first "Evil Dead." (Some dialogue inspired by the unused treatment "Evil Dead 3000 A.D.," by Sam Raimi.) ASH Where am I? What kind of place is this? VOICE OF EVIL ASH You are in the land of the living and the dead. A place in your past that is now your future. ASH Yeah, right. Ash is swallowed up in darkness, like a flood of unholy water, but it passes, and he doesn't blink an eye. VOICE OF EVIL ASH I have brought you here from a land without dimension. Without my intervention, you would have been trapped forever in nothingness. ASH Well, that's just plain stupid. Looky here, smartguy - I don't need your mystical mumbo-jumbo. Just tell me if I'm dead or not. Thirty Ashes appear in the mirrors, distorted and evil. VOICE OF EVIL ASH I can't answer that. ASH Why not? VOICE OF EVIL ASH I don't know the answer myself. You've died over and over again, Ash, and you're still here. They hit you with everything they had, and you made it out with hardly a scratch, despite your many, many mistakes along the way. ASH I'm just that damn good. VOICE OF EVIL ASH You're lucky, at least. But they aren't playing around anymore. Ash, bored, taps lightly with his foot on the glass floor beneath him, and it suddenly drops out entirely. He is standing on nothing, just empty space and stars. He screams and falls. 65 ASH - FALLING THROUGH SPACE 65 Ten LIVING SKELETONS follow with him, speaking in unison, intelligently. VOICE OF EVIL ASH Some time ago, the forces of darkness selected you and your companions for a little ... test. They wanted to see how an average person would react when confronted with evil. ASH [angry] So did I pass the test? VOICE OF EVIL ASH Oh yes, certainly. They were able to take your mind over even more completely than they'd thought. Possess a few friends, make a few clocks run backwards, spread some blood around ... Within a couple of hours they had you chopping your own girlfriend up with a chainsaw. Ash is horrified at this. The Voice just chuckles to itself. VOICE OF EVIL ASH The forces of darkness were happy, I'll tell you that. That's why they brought you back to life, erased your memory and had you run through a second night, and a third, and a fourth ... The sounds of screams, chainsaws, and running horses are heard. And they'll do it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until they can BREAK YOUR MIND. Ash falls back into the hall of mirrors, into a pool of blood, hitting the ground hard. 66 THE HALL OF MIRRORS 66 Ash stands up quickly, defiant, and draws his gun. ASH You disembodied bastard! Step into the light like a man and show me where you are, so I can kill you! He sees a glint in the darkness which turns into the form of a man. He fires six times. Nothing happens. VOICE OF EVIL ASH Ash, please. Stop taking everything so personally. All the Ashes in the hall of mirrors suddenly meld into one image -- an older, possessed, haunted version of himself, with grey streaks in its hair. Its eyes are cold, wide and racked with doubt and fear. One of its arms is a chainsaw. ASH Who are you? Are you me? EVIL ASH Oh, let's not start that again. ASH You are me. But, uh, not. EVIL ASH Think before you speak. I am indeed a version of yourself, but twisted and evil. ASH Then I need a chainsaw. He punches the evil Ash and rips its entire right arm off, starting the chainsaw running. The evil Ash screams, bleeding, as Ash brings the chainsaw down onto its face. EVIL ASH Please, please! I'm trying to help you! Compared to that evil, I'm your friend! ASH Yeah? Well, I'm not falling for that one again. SLICE! The chainsaw slices the evil Ash's brains into bits. It screams even still, and blood splatters all over Ash's face and shirt, sloshing all over the floor. 67 INT - THE CABIN - NIGHT 67 CLOSE-UP ON ASH CORPSE, BLOODY AND PALE It is upright for a second, and then falls over dead. As it falls we reveal that behind it is the CABIN from the previous movies Ash was talking about earlier. The corpse is also dressed like the "Evil Dead 1" Ash. REVERSE ANGLE We see the real, less bloody Ash standing over his own dead body. ASH Who the hell? ANGLE ON DEAD ASH VOICE OF EVIL ASH You shouldn't have done that, Ash. It only makes them angrier. A DEADITE JANE appears, dressed like Linda in a white nightgown, grinning. DEADITE JANE [singing] We're gonna get you, we're gonna get you ... Ash jumps at her, but she disappears and he lands flat on his face. An EVIL MOOSE HEAD appears, laughing at Ash. The entire room is laughing at Ash. A mirror is seen in the corner of the room. ANGLE ON MIRROR The EVIL ASH appears in it. EVIL ASH Ash, you idiot. I was trying to help you, so we wouldn't have to go through all this again, but now it's too damned late. ASH How the hell did I get here? Where's Linda? A female form appears behind the EVIL ASH, silhouetted and indistinct. VOICE OF EVIL ASH Which Linda? ASH My girlfriend, Linda. VOICE OF EVIL ASH Ash, you've had EIGHTEEN different girlfriends named Linda. You killed them all. You're a murderer. ANGLE ON ASH, DUMBSTRUCK. Ash's hand goes limp -- the Evil Ash's severed arm/chainsaw drops to the ground. He's just seen something terrible. His eyes grow wide. We pull back and downward to see his own dead body on the ground as before, but now surrounding it is an entire pile of bodies, representing everyone who's ever died or just appeared in an Evil Dead movie, plus some. [Obviously we won't be able to get most of the original actors back, but we turn many of them face-down, or just try to match what they looked like with make-up or models.] CLOSE ANGLES, RAPID CUTS, THE FACES OF THE DEAD In those cases when we COULD get the original actors back or use their faces somehow, they're shown here in a horrifying montage. CLOSE-UP OF ASH'S HORRIFIED FACE, CHANGING TO A LONG SHOT, PULLING BACK IMPOSSIBLY FAR We see the over a hundred dead bodies, blood everywhere, in an immense expanse, with Ash standing shocked in the background, tiny, shocked. At the end is a large pile of medieval soldiers. A long pause, utter silence. ASH Shit. VOICE OF EVIL ASH You may wake up now. FADE OUT FADE IN: 68 INT - S-MART - NIGHT 68 BIG CLOSE-UP ON ASH'S SLEEPING FACE Ash is asleep in the floor, muttering. We see two hands holding his head softly, Linda's hands. His face keeps scrunching up in pain like he's having a bad dream. ANGLE ON LINDA She has a slight black eye. LINDA Ash! Ash, wake up! ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA Ash blinks his eyes and is awake. ASH Linda! Oh Linda, I'm so happy I didn't kill you. I just had the most horrible nightmare. LINDA Well, it's all over now Ash. ASH [relieved] Thank god. LINDA Except for the demonic presence outside that keeps trying to break the doors in. Ash looks down and notices that he's holding the severed arm of Evil Ash, and his chainsaw. He gasps and tosses them away. LINDA Don't just throw a good chainsaw away, Ash! Who knows, it might come in handy when you go out to kill those evil things. ASH I'm not killing anything or anyone, Linda. Not anymore. LINDA Why not? It's not gonna go away by itself. ASH There's something wrong with me. I've gotta stop myself before I wind up murdering again. LINDA I am NOT going to die tonight, Ash. Not for you, not for anybody. Be a man, for fuck's sake! Ash and Linda stand up slowly and simultaneously. ASH I don't particularly like the tone of voice you're using, sweetheart. LINDA Yeah? Well, let's talk about something that I don't like. I don't like having a depressive DUMBASS for a boyfriend! ASH [quiet, hellish rage] ... What did you just call me? LINDA A DUMBASS. He punches her, hard. She's knocked to the ground. ANGLE ON LINDA Coughing, and getting up, very pissed. ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA She stands, smiles, and then punches the crap out of him. He's knocked back, and slaps her. Then she pokes his eyes. He knees her in the gut, and their heads accidentally knock together, making a pleasing coconut-like noise. She gives him a fast triple-slap. They both rear back in anger, and then lunge at each other. CLOSE-UP, ASH & LINDA They embrace in a passionate and long kiss. He squeezes her arm, and she pulls back. LINDA [suddenly] Ow! ASH What's wrong? LINDA Oh, nothing. I just bruised my arm when I was fighting with Emily. ASH Oh yeah, that. Who won? LINDA Me, of course. OW! She grabs her arm in pain. CLOSE-UP, LINDA'S RIGHT ARM It is shaking and throbbing. Suddenly we see a black spiderweb pattern start to draw itself all over what we can see of her hand and arm. ANGLE ON ASH ASH [quietly] No. You bastards. Give her back her arm! ANGLE ON LINDA LINDA What? Ow! ASH You're gonna have to trust me, Linda. I have to remove your arm, before it's too late. LINDA Hell, no! ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA ASH LINDA! DON'T BE DIFFICULT! They've taken over your arm, and turned it bad. She looks at her arm, shocked, and rolls up her sleeve. It is moving under its own power. ASH It won't be long before they get to you too. LINDA Well, trust IS the cornerstone of any relationship, but ... ASH Yeah, what you said. He grabs what is now clearly HIS chainsaw [removing the severed arm from it first] and starts it running. Linda turns white with fear. Ash gets a maniacal look in his eyes and begins to laugh. Linda screams! Linda's possessed arm slaps Ash in the face. It then punches him, and slaps him nineteen times from different angles, moving in a weird, fishlike way. Linda stands limp, helpless to stop it. Finally Ash grabs it with his left arm, angry. But it overpowers him, goes for his throat and starts to choke him with a demonic power. Ash is unable to breathe and starts to turn blue. He gasps for air. LINDA ASH! She cranes her neck and bites down on her own arm, gnawing bits of flesh off it, biting very hard, spitting out what gets in her teeth. It shakes in pain and releases Ash. He flips the chainsaw around like a pro and carefully slices Linda's arm off. Blood gets all over him. Linda begins to laugh, very hard. CLOSE-UP ON LINDA Laughing. FADE OUT FADE IN 69 CLOSE UP OF THE ARM, ON THE FLOOR 69 The arm is still struggling, now severed. Ash dumps a metal wastebasket on it firmly, with a clank, and covers it with a book entitled "The Woman's Army." ASH That'll teach ya. Nobody invades my girlfriend's body but me. 70 LINDA 70 Sitting on a chair, rubbing the stump of her right arm with her left. There are tears in her eyes. Ash walks into shot behind her. ASH Don't worry. I know what to do. 71 TEDDY, AT THE REGISTER 71 Teddy is working away quietly, despite having no customers, just wasting time on the night shift, reading a magazine. Ash and Linda approach quickly from behind, startling him into turning around. ASH Let's go. 72 HARDWARE DEPT. - MONTAGE 72 The place is slightly darkened. Ash, Linda and Teddy enter quickly. Ash is polishing his own rusty false hand with a damp cloth. What follows is a fast-cutting montage of how they manage to assemble for Linda a new arm, largely white plastic on the outside, with a fascinating array of gears on the inside, strapped over her shoulder in a very lifelike way. Ash points to a section in the paperback Necronomicon for "Bringing life to inanimate objects," and Teddy, frightened, reads the passage aloud. The force of the spell makes the false arm change color and shape -- There is smoke and a vast gust of wind. All the lights overhead flash blue, go out and explode into a shower of sparks. Ash switches a large circular lamp on. BIG CLOSE-UP OF LINDA, HOLDING UP HER NEW ARM It is slightly plastic-looking and white, but obviously alive, as is she. It is smoking visibly. She has a steely look in her eyes. She clenches the arm and it makes a whirring sound. LINDA Groovy. 73 TRACKING SHOT - WALKING THROUGH S-MART AISLES 73 Teddy, Ash, and Linda, walking. Ash, with his chainsaw, is reading the book. There is smoke, strange light, and signs of evil all around them. TEDDY What in the name of H.P. Lovecraft was THAT? ASH It's called success, Teddy. Learn to live with it. TEDDY That book scares me, man. It's just real freakin' scary, like, like the kinda thing you don't even want to touch, like. ASH It's a book of evil. But we can use it for our own purposes. LINDA Is there a spell to destroy all evil in there, Ash? ASH Not in the paperback version. Says here they had to take it out for legal reasons, as their publisher actually WAS the Ultimate Evil and he didn't like that part much. LINDA The ultimate evil? ASH [reading] Copyright 1393, Ultimate Evil Press. LINDA How about good things, like flowers and puppies? Can we summon those? ASH I hate flowers and puppies. LINDA Give me that. She takes the book and flips through it. LINDA Puppies, puppies ... See "Death Dogs." Well, we don't want that. How about "Good?" A section for "Good?" Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil ... "Good: see footnote in evil appendix B." She flips to the end of the book. LINDA It's three sentences long! Geez. Okay, "To summon good, simply think of good things inside of you. Then buckle up and pray for a quick and easy death, as good basically never comes. If you are reading this now, chances are you're already doomed." TEDDY That's just like what my father used to say. Teddy grabs the book and reads it. LINDA We have to think positive thoughts. Positive thoughts, everyone! ASH [flatly] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. LINDA That doesn't sound very sincere. 74 THE BOOKS AISLE 74 A burst of strange light. Every book on the rack suddenly flies off, and the standing, immensely heavy bookcase falls over too, smashing to bits on the ground. A hole opens in the ground beneath, sucking the bookcase and most of the floor down beneath like water down a drain. A living smoke funnels from out of it. Ash, Teddy and Linda pass this and stop. TEDDY Hey, that's weird. ASH What's weird? TEDDY [reading book] The address for Ultimate Evil Press, well, it's the same as the address for S-Mart! ASH Which S-Mart? TEDDY THIS S-Mart! ASH That is weird. The stretched-out, haggard figures of ancient ghosts swirl out of the realm of nothingness and fly in a vast circle at great speed, moaning in their undead pain. [See "Night on Bald Mountain," from the movie "Fantasia."] TEDDY Hey, shut up, I'm trying to read here! LINDA Teddy! Have some respect for the dead, won't you? Ash, go and chop them up with your chainsaw. ASH 'Kay. The LOST SOULS [for that is what the ghosts are] suddenly assume a pale, white, transparent physical form. They are medieval in appearance, haunted and aged. They assume a peaceful stance. Their leader raises his palm in greeting. Ash charges them with his chainsaw. FIRST SOUL We mean you no harm! We come in pea --- AAAGHH!! He is torn into bits. ASH Eat steel. Three more unlucky souls are mashed to pieces. SECOND SOUL No, please! We wish to speak with you about a terror that confronts us all! ASH Sorry, but I live by the rules of barroom dating -- never talk to anything ugly or dead. THIRD SOUL But we possess the lost pages of the Necronomicon! The pages that may destroy the evil one forever! Ash says nothing. His chainsaw keeps running. THIRD SOUL I said, we possess ... ASH I heard you, I heard you! Keep talking! He is carving at a particularly tough soul. THIRD SOUL Um ... ASH Stupid dead people. They think they're so great, just because they're dead. His chainsaw stops. He turns around to yell at the third soul. ASH Well, you're NOT, all right? THIRD SOUL All right, we are not. ASH Don't forget that. He spits out a bit of blood. THIRD SOUL Now wilt thou listen to our urgent plea for help? ASH Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. THIRD SOUL You are exactly as we were warned you would be. ASH Y'happy 'bout that? THIRD SOUL Perhaps, yes. 75 A FEW FEET AWAY FROM THE BOOKS AISLE 75 Teddy and Linda are waiting for Ash to return, chainsaw in hand. Ash returns, chainsaw in hand. LINDA Well? Did you kill those goddamn ghosts, or did you wimp out and try to reason with them? ASH A little of both. Come and meet 'em. LINDA "Meet them?" The ones who took my friggin' arm? ASH No, that's not them. These are some other assholes. LINDA All right then. Ash and Linda walk off. TEDDY So, I'll just stay here then, eh? Silence. TEDDY Right. 76 THE BOOKS AISLE 76 Ash and Linda walk to the gaping hole where the Lost Souls were before, and they aren't there. LINDA Well? Where are they? Where did they go? Ash listens and hears a piglike "snarfing" sound and a rustle of plastic wrapping to his right. He follows the sound, and Linda follows him. 77 THE SNACK FOODS AISLE 77 The Lost Souls have discovered snack food, and are making pigs of themselves. FOURTH SOUL What a feast this is! ASH Hey, hey just HEY right there now you undead bastards, what in the name of happy hell do you think you're doing? Those snack cakes are property of S-Mart! FOURTH SOUL Hey, lay off mate. We haven't eaten in six hundred years. FIRST SOUL So, you have brought your queen with you. Linda smiles at this. FIRST SOUL Will you lead us in battle against the evil one? ASH What? No! Fight your own damn battle. FIFTH SOUL But the soothsayers said that you would save us! ASH Well, soothsayers say a lot of things. Piss off. Get some other idiot to do your dirty work. FIRST SOUL An idiot? SECOND SOUL Look at how humble he is! THIRD SOUL He is truly the one to lead us. ASH No, no, you fellas have got it all wrong! The Souls begin to chatter excitedly amongst themselves. FOURTH SOUL He will be our hero. FIRST SOUL You will lead our blessed fight. ASH HEY! Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. You're making a mistake. I'm no leader, and I'm certainly no hero. The only thing I ever led was a volleyball team, and we lost. It's nice to see you all cheering up like this, but the truth is, I can't do anything for ya. Those things are coming, and pretty soon we'll all be dead again. You undead assholes are all screwed, y'hear? A terrible silence falls upon the Lost Souls. Their heads gaze downward, and they seem to have lost all hope. They start to fade away. ASH Hey wait, wait. Don't be that way. I just meant that you shouldn't expect to survive against the ... They have faded away to nothing. Ash, a bit sad and confused, scratches his neck with his good hand. Linda scratches her chin for the same reason. ASH Aw geez. Now look at what I've done. Silence. Linda looks down and sees something. LINDA Look! They left something behind! ANGLE ON FLOOR Some ancient pieces of human flesh paper are there, resembling the pages of the original hardcover Necronomicon. ASH It's the lost pages of the Necronomicon! Linda pushes past Ash and picks them up. Pan up to her. LINDA This is how we can beat those evil things, isn't it? ANGLE ON ASH He thinks long and hard for almost five seconds. ASH All right. I'll go and fight your stupid battle. ANGLE ON ASH, LINDA, & HOLE The Lost Souls instantly reappear, jubilant. ASH Not for any cockeyed idea of valor or bravery, mind you, but for Linda, and me. They cheer. SOULS He will save us! ASH Sure, why not. Now shut up and eat your twinkies. 78 TRAINING IN THE AISLES OF S-MART: MONTAGE 78 Stirring music. Battle training montage. Ash is teaching the Lost Souls how to fight. Teddy watches from a distance, eating snack cakes. Linda takes them into the Men's Clothing section and shows them handsome modern togs to wear, most of them blue shirts with dark brown pants, like Ash's, but never mind. Eric, held aloft in a chair by Emily, makes a speech we don't hear [beneath the stirring music, remember], and rallies the remaining [and very depressed] night crew staff of S-Mart into battle. They join the army. Ash has them exercising, and Teddy gets more and more interested in the proceedings. Linda and Ash give them a full tour of the sporting goods department, and they pick out weapons, mostly Nerf stuff, harmless foam. Ash dissuades them from this, and takes them to the gun aisle. Teddy grabs ten baseball bats and sharpens them in the hardware department to a sharp point, then shows the troops how to use this tool as both a spear and club, using a standup of The Three Stooges golfing found in the gifts department to demonstrate. He whacks it, and it falls on him. Ash teaches them how to shoot their guns, how to punch each other, and how to use his own "HOO! HAH!" style of staff combat. Finally, they are ready. ASH Yeah! 79 NEAR THE HOUSEWARES AISLE 79 Ash is resting on a pile of soft beanbag chairs, obviously worn-out from all this exercise. The Evil Ash dissolves in from behind him. He is wearing a red smoking jacket, very nicely tailored. EVIL ASH Hello. ASH [not opening eyes] Who is it? Leammee alone. I'm taking a quick break. EVIL ASH I think you'll want to be speaking to me, unless you don't like talking to yourself. Ash wakes up, eyes opening wide. He turns around. ASH I thought you were just a dream. A nightmare. EVIL ASH Maybe I am. Maybe you're crazy, and I'm a figment of your imagination. Maybe I'm crazy, and you're a figment of mine. ASH Maybe we're both crazy. EVIL ASH I'll drink to that. A wineglass suddenly dissolves in and appears in his hand, and a bottle of wine in the other. He pours the wine delicately. ASH So you're just an evil version of me, is that it? EVIL ASH Oh, I'm sick and tired of having to be evil all the time. Can't I just be emotionally conflicted, or callous, or something a bit lighter like that? He sips the wine. EVIL ASH When you're labeled as "evil" all the time, it just starts to seem silly, because it's all black and white, good and evil; there's no room for any complexity in the role. It gets boring. He guzzles the wine down, the entire glass. ASH You think you're playing a role? EVIL ASH Well, I'm just a ghost, I'm not evil by nature. In fact, I doubt I'd even look like you, if someone hadn't told me to go and be an evil version of some guy named Ash. Badash, smartash, wiseash, dumbash ... He drinks directly out of the wine bottle now. EVIL ASH I mean, did Shakespeare ever give us just a purely good or purely evil character, with no character development whatsoever? Maybe he planned to, once or twice, but you've always got to leave room for interpretation. ASH Shakespeare? Don't get on me about Shakespeare. What Shakespeare needed was a woman and a beer. Folks should stop writing poetry and just get on with what they're doing. EVIL ASH It's amazing that we should be so different. I've grown quite fond of the plays. I saw them performed, whilst in the torment of hell. ASH There's Shakespeare in hell? EVIL ASH Yes, and horror movies, if you can remember them well enough. ASH You're confusing me. EVIL ASH That's what I'm here for. The Evil Ash reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pile of twenty sheets of xerox paper, new-looking, folded and crumpled as if it's been worked with by someone with a messy mind. EVIL ASH Here. Take this. Ash takes it. ASH What is it? EVIL ASH Just a few plans I came up with. The science behind it is a bit complex, but I phrased it in plain english so you should be able to get through it all right. ASH But what IS it? EVIL ASH A kind of ice bomb. A sub-zero freezing thing. It might help you live through the first wave of attack. ASH Attack? Who's attacking? When is that happening? The Evil Ash shrugs. EVIL ASH I hope you've talked to Linda about any other girlfriends you've had. Like in the middle ages, maybe? He fades away. ASH I really hate that guy. 80 THE HOUSEWARES AISLE 80 SLOW PAN over the aisle. Two Lost Souls and Teddy are standing guard. Teddy yawns. We see that Linda, a bunch of S-Mart clerks and the rest of the Lost Souls are resting on beanbag chairs, inflatable pillows, catbeds, huge plush fish, etc. They are not asleep, not most of them anyway, just resting. Ash comes in shouting. ASH Naptime's over! Come on, let's get up and get moving! I think someone or something is about to attack. MENSWEAR GUY Oh, damn. Just when my nap was getting interesting. They get up, grumbling. Ash elbows the First Soul to get his attention. ASH You. Old guy. Take a look at these. He pushes the crumpled plans the Evil Ash drew up into the First Soul's face. ASH You know what any of that bullshit means? The First Soul takes the papers into his hands and looks over them. FIRST SOUL Well, the idea's a bit farfetched, but the directions seem simple enough. ASH Right. Get to work on it. FIRST SOUL But where would I find all these ingredients? ASH It's S-Mart, numbskull. We've got everything. Talk to Teddy. He'll how you where that junk is. TEDDY I will? The First Soul gives the plans to Teddy, who reads them. Ash looks over the troops. ASH You jerks, get your bat-spears ready. You assholes, grab your guns and make sure they're pointing the right way. Linda ... I think I may have cheated on you while you were dead. LINDA It was Debbie from intimate apparel, wasn't it? ASH No. LINDA I knew it! She bounces around showing off those skimpy outfits, thinking she can just have any man she wants ... ASH It was NOT Debbie from intimate apparel. LINDA Crystal from customer service? ASH No. LINDA Angie from hardware, weekends? ASH No. LINDA It wasn't that purple-haired girl with the nose ring, was it? I hate her. ASH It was a long time ago. Well, not a long time ago but in the middle ages. Like, 1300 A.D. Linda gasps. LINDA You mean that chubby waitress at Medieval Times? ASH HELL NO! Forget it, you wouldn't understand. Her name was Sheila. LINDA Sheila? ASH She gave me her lovin' and didn't talk back. Made me feel like a king. LINDA (a bit angry) Why didn't you stay with her then? ASH The townsfolk, er, her family, just got too damn needy. Not a working brain among 'em. I didn't wanna be saving their primitive asses every waking hour. They needed a leader, and I didn't want to be one. LINDA You didn't? ASH Hell no! I wanted to feel like a king, not be one! So I came back. I think. It's kind of hard to remember. Silence. Linda, seemingly unaffected, shrugs and walks away. More silence. The troops look at Ash, shaking their heads. Teddy pats Ash's back in a consoling way, and Ash, annoyed, gives him the look of death. TEDDY Hey man, if you love it set her free. That's what's probably happened to my date tonight. ASH Teddy, you're an idiot. TEDDY Yeah, but the chicks love me. What a funny world. The First Soul approaches Teddy. FIRST SOUL Come along young sir, we must to work. TEDDY Heigh-ho, heigh-ho. Hi, how's it going? They leave to look for their supplies. The troops are still just kind of standing around, and the Lost Souls in particular are uncomfortably close to Ash. ASH Don't you have something better to do? They don't say anything. ASH Tell me if any evil armies come calling. He walks off. CAMERA MOVES DOWN, TO FLOOR LEVEL AND LOWER DISSOLVE TO: 81 SOMEWHERE BENEATH, THE PRINTING PRESS 81 CAMERA STILL MOVING DOWN We again see fire and brimstone, and the evil printing press. The skeleton crew is still churning out paperback necronomicons at top speed. TASKMASTER Faster! He whips them. TASKMASTER Cheaper! He whips them again. A Skeleton Courier in medieval armor approaches behind him, carrying a letter. COURIER M'lord. I bring an urgent message. TASKMASTER What is it this time? COURIER The army of the undead will march upon the S-Mart in twenty minutes. TASKMASTER So? COURIER Well, that's us, sir. WE'RE the army of the dead. TASKMASTER Bloody hell. STOP THE PRESSES! ANGLE ON SKELETON PULLING LEVER A grinding noise is heard, and the presses come to a halt. ANGLE ON MACHINE One unlucky skeleton is sucked into the burning press. No one pays this much attention. ANGLE ON TASKMASTER TASKMASTER Grab your weapons and get ready for battle! 82 HELL MONTAGE - SKELETON ARMY PREPARING FOR BATTLE 82 We see racks and racks of swords, spears, maces, clubs, pikes, halberds, and other classic weaponry. Skeleton arms, moving at unnatural speed, empty the racks in seconds, arming themselves. They cover themselves in armor -- quick cuts give the appearance of an army of thousands of skeletons [puppets]. When they are ready, the Taskmaster prepares them. TASKMASTER Gentlemen! Tonight will be our night of glory! Tonight the humans will die! The army cheers - we see them from behind as they hoist up their swords. TASKMASTER Tonight we conquer the S-Mart, and move our operation above-ground! Tomorrow, the paperback Necronomicon will move out to be sold at every major chain of bookstores in the world! More cheers. TASKMASTER And when that book of evil climbs to the top of the best-seller list, the human race will be no more! Loud cheers drown out all other noise. SKELETON SOLDIER On to the New York Times list! ANOTHER SKELETON SOLDIER On to Oprah's Book Club! SKELETON SOLDIERS HUZZAH! DISSOLVE TO: 82 FRONT OF S-MART, AT THE EXIT DOORS 82 We see Linda from behind, her back all tensed-up, trying to hide anger, and hide from Ash. Ash approaches in the foreground. ASH Linda? LINDA Go away. 83 THE HEALTH AND HOME MEDICATION AISLE 83 Teddy is gathering materials -- cough syrup, pain medication, lots of ice packs, anything cold, into a shopping cart. Emily approaches in the background. EMILY So, can we leave yet? TEDDY I don't think so, no. EMILY Teddy, I'm scared. Teddy smiles slyly, but hides it. TEDDY Don't worry, it's all under control. There's going to be a fight, a big battle. Yup, and I'm basically in charge of it. EMILY Who's that old guy? Pan over to show the First Soul. He smiles. 84 FRONT OF S-MART, AT THE EXIT DOORS 84 ASH You're LEAVING me? LINDA No Ash, I'm not leaving you, not yet. I'm just leaving. ASH You're not thinking of going out there, outside the store, are you? 85 OUTSIDE THE S-MART, WOODS, NIGHT 85 POV evil force. We hear horrific growling and breathing, like an outboard motor with lungs and fangs. It is moving at terrific speed all around the S-Mart. We see Linda through its eyes. 86 FRONT OF S-MART, AT THE EXIT DOORS 86 LINDA No, I'm not thinking of going out there. I'm actually going. Goodbye. She kicks the automatic door. It "dings" and opens very slowly, with an unearthly creaking whine that becomes louder and louder. ASH Linda! It opens wide, and she exits. ANGLE ON ASH Wide-eyed, tense, nervous. ANGLE ON DOOR It is still open. Silence. A moment passes. Linda walks back into view inside the doorway. LINDA Well, are you coming or aren't you? ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA ASH ... There's nothing out there? LINDA Nothing at all. ASH It's gotta be a trick. Get back inside. NOW. LINDA Ash, stop being such a big baby! Or maybe I will leave you. Ash sighs, swallows his pride, and walks outside with Linda. 87 EXT - FRONT OF S-MART - NIGHT 87 LINDA Maybe I'll leave you for DEAD. She SCREECHES, and becomes possessed. Her eyes and skin turn a deathly white. She bares her real and false hands like claws, FLIES UP three feet into the air and charges at Ash! He screams and runs back into the store. 88 INT - FRONT OF S-MART, AT THE EXIT DOORS 88 The door closes behind him with a "ding." But the EviLinda doesn't stop. She flies at full speed toward the door, like a pigeon toward glass. Which is bad for Ash, who is leaning against the door catching his breath. SLOW-MOTION SHOT The possessed Linda CRASHES through the plexiglass door, shattering it like plexiglass isn't supposed to do, and grabs Ash's throat with her claws. 89 HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE 89 Emily and Teddy react to the sound of the crash. EMILY What was that? TEDDY I'm guessing relationship difficulties. 90 FRONT OF S-MART, AT THE EXIT DOORS 90 EviLinda flies, bleeding black blood from her fang-y mouth. She picks up speed and drags Ash along. POSSESSED LINDA Gimme a kiss, loverboy. She bites his ear, drawing blood. ASH You know your bra-strap's showing. She coasts for a bit, thinking about this, and then lets go of Ash with one hand to adjust it. WHAMMO! Ash knocks her ten feet back with one punch, jumping down to the ground and drawing his shotgun. EviLinda screeches, and fixes her hair. BLAM! Ash fires, blowing the middle of her scalp off. BLAM! He shoots her left foot too. She screams and tries to float, wobbling in an uneasy way. She hits the ground and black blood oozes from her foot. Finally she just sulks and walks away. ASH Someday I'm gonna marry that undead hellbeast. Emily, Teddy and the First Soul come running in from behind, as fast as they can. EMILY What was that? ASH Relationship difficulties. TEDDY Hear that? I guessed right. EMILY We're not going to be able to leave the store tonight, are we? FIRST SOUL [chuckling] Milady, I would think of that as the least of our problems. ASH Aren't you supposed to be working on that ice machine? TEDDY Well, we are, but ... FIRST SOUL But he thought you needed help. ASH Well, you thought wrong. I'm fine, all right? Perfectly fine. He draws his gun and points it right up Teddy's nose. ASH And if you don't get outta my sight in the next five seconds I'm gonna carve you a new nostril the size of your head. Teddy laughs nervously. ASH ONE ... TWO ... TEDDY Okay, okay, truce. Teddy holds up his hands in "surrender" and walks backwards fast and out of sight. Ash cocks the gun and points it at the First Soul. ASH That goes for you too, cemetery breath. FIRST SOUL [meekly] I take my leave with respect. The First Soul bows and back away, out of camera range. Ash sets his jaw and tucks his rifle back into the holster on his back. ASH Yeah. It's about time I got some respect around here. Emily sniffles very slightly, scared and saddened. ASH Whatsamatter with you, goldilocks? Somebody shit in your porridge? EMILY You're a very bad man. ASH Hey, I'm one of the good guys. EMILY You're still a very bad man. [pause] I think I hate you. ASH You think so, huh? EMILY Yes. I think I hate your guts. ASH What, little blondie prissypants can't take a little action in her day? Emily sniffles, and wipes her nose. EMILY You know what? I don't think there's an evil something out there at all. ASH Yeah? Then what about all the ghosts and demons, huh? EMILY I think it's you. I think you're doing it. I think you're such a bad, bad man that they just come because they wanna be near you. She turns and leaves, crying. ASH [awkwardly] YEAH? YEAH? Well, you're, you're short! Silence. ASH My god, what if she's right? 91 THE BOOKS AISLE, AT THE GAPING HOLE 91 War drums echo in the distance. Fire spews out of the darkness of the hole which connects the S-Mart and hell. Then a flash, and a dozen skeletal soldiers fly out like a skeleton out of hell. Or several skeletons out of hell. Or something. They land in a perfect line, a wave, a battle formation. The army of the dead is marching into battle. 92 HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE 92 Emily is leaning against the aisle in a daze. She doesn't know what to think anymore. Teddy, nervous but attempting a show of confidence like a young guy asking a young girl out on a date, walks in on the right. He startles her. TEDDY Emily ... Ash is already entering from the left. TEDDY We've got to ... ASH [almost simultaneously with Teddy] Emily, we've got to talk. There is an awkward moment as Ash and Teddy realize they've said the same thing. Teddy sighs. He can't argue with Ash. TEDDY You go first. ASH Emily, I'm sorry for acting the way I did. Do. I'm sorry for the things I do. But it's just the kind of guy I am. I don't know why all these awful things keep happening. But keep in mind that I'm not gonna rest until we've blown those deadite screwheads back to hell. And don't worry your pretty little head one more second on my account. Emily smiles. EMILY Fuck you. ASH Why you little ... Ash grabs Emily and starts to choke her. She knees him in the gut. He moans and falls back. She jumps into a perfect martial-arts fighting stance. Teddy gasps. She leaps into the air, and with grace and style knocks Ash's face in with three flipping kicks. Ash is dazed, but still standing. She kicks him again. He's still standing. She kicks him again, and again. His face twists into a scowl. ASH Stop doing that! She jumps back and smiles sweetly. EMILY And Teddy? What were YOU going to say? TEDDY Oh, uh, nothing really. 93 THROUGH THE AISLES OF S-MART 93 The camera is TRACKING, moving backwards. We see a surprisingly small skeleton army of about a dozen. They are moving quickly through the aisles, waving swords. War drums in the distance. The remaining crew of the S-Mart look horrified as they move through the aisles, ramming swords and spears into all the manufactured products they can find. They gnash and bite at several of the clerks, clearly enjoying themselves. Lightning and smoke flash behind them, and a terrible wind kicks up the remnants of books, stuffed animals, stuffed pillows, and other things the skeletons are tearing apart. The clerks start running, out of view of the army, and in quick cuts we see them run and join Ash. CLERK WITH PRICING GUN [shouting] A skeleton army! FEMALE CLERK IN ORANGE VEST [shouting] An army of the dead is here! 94 HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE 94 Ash and his troops [and Eric] are there. ASH Cripes! It had to be now, didn't it? All right you idiots, get into position! Teddy, did you finish the freeze machine? TEDDY There was no time to even start it! FIRST SOUL [shouting in the distance] THE FREEZING DEVICE IS NEARLY COMPLETED! ASH You'd best watch out, Teddy. That hairy old ghost could have your job in a week. TEDDY Pfft. Let him take it. I don't want it. The troops are grabbing their weapons and forming a line of attack in the cramped and narrow aisle. ERIC Does everyone have a gun? If you do not have a gun, you cannot participate in the battle. Repeat ... ASH Let's show these deadites what a supermarket's good for! The troops raise their weapons and grunt loudly in unison. ASH For capitalism! The troops grunt. ASH For manufactured products! The troops grunt. ASH For ... oh wait, they're here. The ENTIRE SKELETON ARMY comes into view, and the advance scout, catching Ash of guard, clubs him in the head. ASH Why you ... Ash punches the skeleton's head off. It falls. The first wave of souls and clerks knocks the skeletons down masterfully, just like they were taught. But more come, and the fallen regenerate themselves with the power of the Necronomicon. 95 THROUGH THE AISLES OF S-MART - THE BATTLE 95 Everything in the store can now be counted as a weapon, and the battle grows to immense and bizarre proportions, with the products of retail marketing being used to deadly effect by both parties. Ash's troops seem to be getting the worst of it. ANOTHER LOST SOUL We cannot defeat them! YET ANOTHER LOST SOUL We must protect the store! AAAGHH! The Soul is stabbed in the back by a skeleton, and falls. ASH Get some! He fires his shotgun. A skeleton falls. ASH GET SOME! He fires again and again. ASH GET SOME, GET SOME, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! GET SOME! 96 BABY PRODUCTS AISLE 96 A very nervous Emily walks slowly backwards, away from the fighting and death. Halfway down the aisle, she bumps into something and turns around. What she sees is Linda, in non-possessed form. She is wearing a white nightgown, for some reason. EMILY Oh, hi Linda. Linda doesn't respond. EMILY What's new? Linda shakes her head. EMILY I'm sorry, I said some rather mean things to your boyfriend earlier. I was just in kind of a bad mood, I guess. I didn't mean them, much. I mean, if you hate him now I hate him too, but if you don't ... Linda opens her mouth and flames come out. Her eyes roll back. EMILY Are you all right, Linda? You don't look so good. LINDA [demonic voice] THE EVIL ONE LIVES YET. ALL HUMANITY WILL BE CONSUMED IN HER POWER. EMILY Excuse me? LINDA [demonic voice] THE EVIL ONE LIVES YET. ALL HUMANITY WILL BE CONSUMED IN HER POWER. EMILY Oh. That's what I thought you said. The possessed Linda's arms lift up slowly, and her fingers wiggle back and forth, insectlike. Emily walks backwards, away from Linda. Linda seems to float as she moves forward, closer to Emily. Emily starts to back away faster. Linda moves faster to match her. Linda's mouth opens wider in an almost-silent scream. Emily turns and RUNS as fast as she can. We hear an unearthly growl as Linda glides an inch above the ground, dripping blood from her bad foot. The foot TWISTS backward and then flips back to itself again, undamaged. Her head sways back and forth like that of a marionette puppet. POSSESSED LINDA [in EMILY's voice] Are you all right, Linda? You don't look so good. You don't look so good. Emily screams. 97 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 97 Emily, still running, bumps right into Ash, startling him. He is trying to fight one of the skeleton army. EMILY ASH! HELP ME! Ash turns around and looks at EviLinda. The skeleton jumps at him from behind, but Ash ducks low, grabs the skeleton as it jumps, and throws it to the floor, shattering it. He draws his rifle. ASH Linda. I'm sorry. He cocks the gun. ASH We have to reconsider where this relationship is going. He fires. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA The bullet goes right through her, like she isn't even there. She glides closer and closer, mumbling in a distracted, possessed way. ANGLE ON ASH Shocked. He fires again. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA The bullet doesn't affect her. She is making little movements, turning slightly as she glides forward, left and right. ANGLE ON ASH He puts his gun back into its holster. Emily clings close to him, afraid. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA Her movements are becoming more and more erratic. ANGLE ON ASH & POSSESSED LINDA She is now very close to Ash, within two feet of him. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA'S FOOT It is twisting like clay, in circles, onto itself in knots, again and again, drawing a trail of black blood on the supermarket tile as it does. ANGLE ON EMILY She gasps. EMILY Her foot! There's something wrong with her foot! ANGLE ON ASH & POSSESSED LINDA Her head is pointing back and upwards, face turned toward the ceiling. Her arms, pointed downward, lift upward slightly, and she does not move. Her cold, pale left hand lifts up and touches Ash's face. Ash shivers. EMILY ASH! Do something! EviLinda is perfectly still. Ash reaches down slowly and takes hold of her twisted foot. It TWISTS OFF in his hands. He jumps up, foot in hand, screaming, and Possessed Linda grabs him, choking him. He becomes silent again. He holds out the foot, as if wanting to give it to her. She lets go of his throat and takes it. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She puts the foot in her mouth, chews it and eats it. Emily screams. ANGLE ON ASH ASH Now that's just freakin' sick. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA Strange lights flash and explode behind her. Her entire body goes limp, like a corpse. She suddenly LIFTS up, levitated, moving as if under someone else's control. Her head is lifted up. She opens her mouth wide, and a powerful gust of wind and rain comes out. She levitates toward Emily, and knocks her down with a hurricane-like force. Wind swirls all around EviLinda, and Emily is caught up in it, spinning faster and faster around her! Emily screams ... ANGLE ON ASH ASH EMILY! ANGLE ON EVILINDA & EMILY - WHIRLWIND Linda speaks without moving her mouth. LINDA'S VOICE [singing softly] Nooo hooope, noooo liiiight, noooo escape for you tonight ... Ash draws his gun. DEMONIC LINDA'S VOICE Go ahead, shoot. You'll only hit the girl. EMILY ASH! ASH You know Linda, I'm getting mighty sick of all this bullshit you put me through. DEMONIC LINDA'S VOICE THERE IS NO MORE LINDA! HER SOUL IS FOOD FOR THE EVIL ONE NOW! ANGLE ON ASH He grits his teeth and sets his gun into firing position. It suddenly flies out of his hands. His jaw drops. ANGLE ON EVILINDA & EMILY - WHIRLWIND The gun is sucked into the whirlwind, and flies back out and out of sight. ANGLE ON ASH ASH You took the girlfriend, and now you take my GUN too? ... You evil bastards. ANGLE ON EVILINDA & EMILY - WHIRLWIND Suddenly, Linda speaks with her own lips, and her eyes roll back into place. LINDA Don't listen to it Ash! I'm still here! [demonic voice] SHUT UP! [normal voice] You have to kill the evil at its source, Ash! [demonic voice] I SAID SHUT UP! ANGLE ON ASH The First Soul approaches from behind him, holding two tiny objects, glass test tubes filled with blue liquid and ice crystals that have a pin and explosive mechanism on top, like grenades. FIRST SOUL Are you busy, M'lord? ASH No, not really. What's up? FIRST SOUL I believe I have created the first test version of an ice grenade. It came from the plans you gave me. ASH Give it, give it! The First Soul fumbles with one of the glass devices, hands shaking, moving in an awkward, aged manner. ASH Hey pops, I haven't got all day! The First Soul clasps it carefully, in both trembling hands, and presents them to Ash, who snatches it up in one swipe. ASH So this is an ice grenade. FIRST SOUL Yes, but you must be careful, for it is charged with ... Ash has already pulled the pin and tossed the grenade. ANGLE ON EVILINDA & EMILY The entire fabric of reality appears to SHATTER outward in an explosion of ice. The entire fabric of reality shivers, blinks, and tucks itself into a warm blanket. EviLinda is frozen in place, suspended in the air. The wind has stopped. Emily falls and hits the ground rolling, out of camera range. CLOSE-UP, POSSESSED LINDA'S FACE So cold it is blue. Her mouth is open, and we can see her breathe. She falls stiffly to the ground, and ice shatters all around her. She crumples up in a heap. ANGLE ON ASH & EMILY Emily is on the floor, crawling and dazed. Ash bends down to help her up. She stands in a wobbly way. Suddenly, Emily grabs Ash and kisses him, long and hard. ASH ... Thanks. I needed that. EMILY I'd do anything for you now. You've saved my life. ASH Take me out to dinner and we'll call it even. The possessed Linda, recovers and jumps into the air, screeching, spewing black blood from her mouth and tearing at her own face. ASH Maybe we'll catch a movie instead. Possessed Linda kicks Ash in the face. He falls down, hard. 98 HARDWARE DEPT. - THE BATTLE CONTINUES 98 BED & BATH CLERK This is insanity! We'll never survive this! Pan over to Eric, sitting in his chair with Teddy attending him, wielding a sword. ERIC We will survive! Do you want to be unemployed in the morning? TEDDY Or dead. ERIC Or dead, yes. An Electronics Supervisor dies, falling right on Eric. He is knocked off his chair, and Teddy picks him up. 99 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 99 Linda screams unintelligibly, signaling to the forces of everything unholy. 100 THE BOOKS AISLE 100 A few last battered copies of the paperback Necronomicon stir, thanks to her words. VOICE WHO SUMMONS THE BEING OF ULTIMATE EVIL? 101 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 101 Possessed Linda continues babbling in an unknown language. VOICE Oh, it's you, Linda. Possessed Linda's babblings become louder. ASH Oh, dammit! You and the ultimate evil KNOW each other? 102 THE BOOKS AISLE 102 A copy of the paperback Necronomicon moves, floating, and flies at high speed. 103 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 103 The book lands in Possessed Linda's hands. She continues to babble, now reading the book. ASH What, did you go to band camp together or something? When am I supposed to find out about these things? 104 THE BOOKS AISLE 104 Every copy of the paperback Necronomicon that's there moves, slightly at first, then begins to float. Finally they fly off, one after the other. 105 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 105 Ash is pelted with paperback Necronomicons. The unholy books bounce up and down and take turns whacking Ash in the head. One of them sprouts fangs and bites his good hand! Ash turns and runs but he runs the wrong way and smashes right into the baby goods shelf. He falls over and is flooded head to toe with baby toys. He gets up, and a stroller hits him in the head. He is knocked down. We can still see and hear Possessed Linda summoning the evil. Several of the baby toys jump up like fish on a pole and start to bounce around under their own power. The Necronomicons fly up in the air again, and attach themselves like leeches onto Ash. He runs, covered all over with little biting books. One attaches itself to his face, and covers his eyes! ASH AAAAGHH!! I'm blind! I'm blind! He smashes into the glass display case the guns are kept in, and it shatters. The Necronomicons mostly fly off him and zoom away, but as he stands up he is treated to a twenty-one gun salute. Meaning that twenty-one guns rise up into the air under their own power, pointed at Ash. He ducks as they FIRE! The march as if held by invisible soldiers, and we can see the battle between the clerks and lost souls and the skeleton army raging on behind them. Ash crawls backward as fast as he can, but they follow him and FIRE AGAIN! That time he is very nearly hit. Behind him the Necronomicons rise into the air again and hit him from behind! He falls, and they bounce up and down and jump all over him. The guns keep firing, single-mindedly. ANGLE ON A NECRONOMICON It is suddenly blasted to pieces. ANGLE ON ANOTHER NECRONOMICON It is blown to bits too. Ash jumps up and lures the books toward him, ducking just as they reach him and the guns FIRE, blowing half of them to bits! He jumps up again, and down again just before BANG! Ten more Necronomicons bite it. Up, down, BLAM! Up, down, BLAM! Ash runs straight toward the guns, and the remaining Necronomicons follow him in a big heap. He DUCKS right at the guns are about to fire, and the Necronomicons smack right into the entire row of them, flipping the guns forward as they fire! The last remaining Necronomicons fall in pieces to the ground, and the guns fall with them. 106 NEAR THE SPORTING GOODS AISLE 106 Ash, running, accidentally bumps into Emily. ASH Oh, sorry. EMILY Are you afraid, Ash? ASH I don't have time to be afraid. They are very close together now. Emily smiles, and then looks at Ash's bloody shirt. EMILY Ash, you're bleeding! ASH I can take a little bit of pain. EMILY No, I mean you're bleeding all over ME! Ick. She pushes him away from her. EMILY That's really disgusting. 107 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 107 Possessed Linda is chanting, softly. 108 HARDWARE DEPT. - THE BATTLE 108 THIRD SOUL They are too strong! FOURTH SOUL We are as good as dead, again! Suddenly a burst of bright light appears, and the entire skeleton army stops and stands to attention. The troops fight for a moment, but it does no good. They turn and look behind them, and their mouths open wide in horror. The skeletons bow, and the light suddenly changes to a BLACK light, sparkling, an unending vision of ultimate darkness. Those which do not run are torn instantly to bits. Teddy, carrying Eric, is among those who run. 109 NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE 109 POSSESSED LINDA THE EVIL ONE ... Everything behind her changes to utter blackness. The paperback Necronomicon crumbles in her hands. POSSESSED LINDA ... IS HERE! ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA'S WHITE EYES They turn red, and on the soundtrack is heard the LOUDEST and most deathly sound we can get away with in theaters. ANGLE ON ASH & EMILY Staring at the utter blackness as it rises over them. ASH Oh NO ... It enshrouds everything around them. Ash and Emily look up at it with complete, unclouded fear. EVIL ONE All evil has risen. All good turns to fire. POSSESSED LINDA You are the chosen. It is you we desire. ASH Look baby, I'm flattered, but I'm just not in the mood right now. POSSESSED LINDA All will die! All will die! EVIL ONE ALL WILL DIE! ALL WILL DIE! ASH All will die! All will die! Emily and possessed Linda look at Ash, surprised. He shrugs. ASH What can I say? It's catchy. Possessed Linda LEAPS and GRABS Ash's throat, but he catches her as she jumps and tosses her off. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She lands in a crumpled heap on the floor, and glares at him. She points to the right of her without looking. ZIP PAN TO: A row of axes floating in the air. They fly forward and charge at Ash. ANGLE ON ASH, FAST-MOVING CAMERA: He dives down into a barrel roll, and rolls at high speed as each and every axe comes down on him one by one, missing him by just a fraction of an inch. He jumps up into a standing position, and rips one of the axes out of the floor. ANGLE ON TEDDY He does a quick double-take. ANGLE ON ASH Wielding the axe. ASH Your choice. We can do this the nice way, or we can do it my way. Possessed Linda WHIRLS at intense speed right at Ash, and SLAPS him silly. ASH All right now. Let's have some fun. SPINNING CAMERA - FAST ACTION SLICE! Ash chops Possessed Linda's fake arm off. She reels backwards, angry. DOUBLE SLICE! Ash chops her real arm off too. There is no blood, a perfectly straight and clean cut. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She looks at herself, and shakes her stumps disbelievingly. ANGLE ON ASH ASH Venus Di Milo. A great piece of art. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She screeches. ZIP PAN TO POSSESSED LINDA & ASH HEADBUTT! EviLinda charges like a bull, knocking Ash in the gut despite her lack of arms. He doubles over in pain, then recovers and flips the axe around in his hands. He pushes her off him and onto the ground with it, blade right in her face. She struggles, then goes limp. OVERHEAD ANGLE - ASH STANDING OVER POSSESSED LINDA She is helpless. He can destroy her right now. ANGLE ON TEDDY TEDDY Yeah! Kill her, Ash! Cut her head off! ANGLE ON ASH He shakes his head, and sticks the axe into the holster on his back where his gun used to be. ASH She's suffered enough. This insanity stops tonight. He spits, and then points upward. OVERHEAD ANGLE - ASH POINTING AT THE DARKNESS ASH You. The Ultimate Evil. EVIL ONE ME? ASH What, you see any other ultimate evils around here? Yeah, you, inky. The one who stole my gun. You wanna fight with me? He puts his fists up. ASH Huh? You wanna fight like a real force of darkness? Or are you just a big sissy? Yeah, you hide behind your magical powers, you think you can march in here, possess anyone you want, but I bet if you hadda just come up and fight me, man to evil, I'd knock your pansy ass back to the twilight zone. It growls softly. ASH I've got jeans stronger than you. And I've got underwear that's scarier. You think you can scare me? CLOSE-UP - ASH'S FACE A darkness falls upon Ash's face, and we hear a ROAR and SCREAM of BODIES WRITHING IN CEASELESS ETERNAL AGONY so loud and frightening that the theaters won't even allow it. Ash's eyes open wide. ASH Well, apparently you do. ANGLE ON ASH He falls to the ground with a thud. Then he notices that his own dead body is there right next to him. He screams. We hear the Evil One's unholy laughter. He scrambles and pushes his body away. Then he sees Linda's body, the real Linda, not possessed, on the other side of him, and screams again. PULL BACK TO SHOW ASH SURROUNDED BY DEAD BODIES, AS IN HIS DREAM. He SCREAMS. ZIP FORWARD -- CLOSEUP ON ASH'S FACE It is crawling with spiders. He screams some more. ASH Spiders. SPIDERS! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET 'EM OFF ME! He struggles, screaming, and one crawls into his mouth. He gasps, and spits it out. ZIP BACK -- ANGLE ON ASH'S ENTIRE BODY COVERED WITH RATS & SNAKES He screams like a little girl, more afraid than he's been in his life. Emily, tiptoeing through the snakes, comes into view. EMILY Er, Ash, I don't know if this is the right time to tell you or not, but before, when you were bleeding all over me? I didn't like that. I don't want a boyfriend who bleeds all over me, Ash. It's just not something I do. What I mean to say is, Ash, we're not going to work as a couple. ZIP FORWARD -- CLOSEUP ON ASH'S MOUTH SCREAMING. PULL BACK TO CLOSEUP OF ASH'S FACE He blinks twice, dazed, then passes out. A blanket of sparkling darkness passes over and engulfs him. Utter blackness. ANGLE ON ERIC & TEDDY, REACTING TEDDY Holy shit, dude. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: 110 A DARK PLACE IN HELL 110 We open up on a CLOSEUP of Ash's face, blinking back into consciousness. He is being dragged by the feet through a very red, rocky and firy place just below S-Mart, where the printing press was. That's right, hell. Somehow the axe is still in the holster on his back. REVERSE ANGLE We see a demon dragging him. ANOTHER ANGLE We see that this demon is the possessed Burt. He spits. ASH Burt, is that you? It growls and gives no answer. ASH Burt, from electronics. That's you, right? It GROWLS loud and gnashes its fangs. SIDE-VIEW, CAMERA MOVING WITH ASH AS HE'S BEING DRAGGED The Evil Ash fades in in a ghostly way. He is dressed in a nice suit and tie, and is not lit all red like the rest of the scene, actually he's lit quite normally. EVIL ASH That thing may have been Burt once, but it isn't anymore. You'll turn into something like that next. ASH Get away from me. I don't need you or your stupid inventions. EVIL ASH It worked, didn't it? ASH Yeah, it worked spiffy. That's why I saved the day, everyone survived, and I didn't wind up somewhere that looks like hell being dragged to death by a demon that used to be Burt from Electronics. EVIL ASH It's not my fault. You could have stopped the Evil One right there. You had her. But you were afraid. ASH So I was afraid! Since when is that a crime? Ash is dragged past a throng of cheering Deadites. DEADITE The waiting is done! Our time has begun! OTHER DEADITE The Evil One lives! She will feast on your souls! DEADITES One by one! One by one! ASH Shut the hell up! Ash's head gets bumped on a rock. And another rock. EVIL ASH You survived before because you are unafraid. These creatures feast on fear, for they are the living personification of it, drinking and breathing its adrenaline-fueling stuff. Without fear they cannot survive. ASH Talk sense. You're babbling, moron. EVIL ASH These creatures you battle are merely extensions of a much larger evil. It is this force that resurrects the dead and possesses the living. A dark and brooding force that roams the forests and unholy bowers of man's domain. A living nightmare that no man has ever seen. ASH I've seen it. EVIL ASH No, you haven't. ASH Yes I have. EVIL ASH No you haven't. ASH Yes I have. EVIL ASH No you haven't! Ash is dragged near a pit of coals. ASH I tell you, I saw the stinkin' thing! EVIL ASH And I tell you, you have not! ASH Get the fuck outta my face with that talk. I know what I saw, stupid. Burt stops dragging Ash, for he's reached the end of the line. He walks away. There are flames all around. EVIL ASH If you are unmistaken this will be of great use. Tell me, what does this force look like? ASH Not much, really. EVIL ASH [angry] "Not much?" The Evil Ash suddenly, in his anger, assumes a tangible form. ANGLE ON PIT OF FLAMES The possessed Linda, smiling, walks out of the flames. She actually looks rather beautiful. She is wearing the same silver necklace the living Linda did. ANGLE ON ASH He gasps. ANGLE ON EVIL ASH He gasps too. ANGLE ON ASH, EVIL ASH, AND POSSESSED LINDA POSSESSED LINDA Are you ready to join us in our cause? EVIL ASH No he isn't. POSSESSED LINDA Who the hell are you? EVIL ASH I'm not sure. Kind of a possessed Jiminy Cricket, I think. POSSESSED LINDA Well, we can't have that. She picks up the Evil Ash easily, and tosses him into the pit of flames. He screams. He dies. ASH NO! POSSESSED LINDA Forget about him. Think about me. We could rule a good portion of the world together. ASH Not all of it? POSSESSED LINDA Don't be greedy. ASH So you're completely evil now. Nothing good left in you. POSSESSED LINDA It's wonderful. Join us. ASH [points] Hey look! That pop star who's popular right now! POSSESSED LINDA Where? BAM! He punches her, and drives her to the edge of the pit. ASH Eat fist. He punches her again, in the face. She teeters on the edge, dazed. POSSESSED LINDA Ash! I thought you loved me! ASH I do. But you always hurt the ones you love. YEEHAAAA ... His third and final punch pushes her off the edge, and she falls into darkness. Silence. Ash shrugs, turns around and walks away. Behind him, slowly, we see Possessed Linda rise up out of the pit ... She SCREECHES and GRABS him, flying with him higher and higher, clawing at his face ... 110 TRACKING UP FAST, CRASHING THROUGH CEILINGS, HIGHER AND HIGER 110 Using Ash's head as a battering ram, she breaks through layers of soil and rock beneath the S-Mart, and emerges out of a new hole right next to the old one. She is still flying. The camera takes an overhead view, and spins with her ... 111 OVERHEAD VIEW - EXT. S-MART ROOF - NIGHT 111 A pause, then they CRASH THROUGH THE ROOF, Ash with bits of soil and concrete all over his dazed head. TRACK UP - FLYING - FULL MOON They fly up in front of a beautiful full moon. EviLinda howls at it. She loses speed, and begins to move downward ... TRACKING DOWN -- DIVE-BOMBING Ash screams -- EviLinda flips herself and him upside-down, and dive-bombs straight for the concrete pavement, Ash's head to hit first ... 112 EXT. S-MART PARKING LOT - NIGHT 112 Ash falls headfirst with a crash onto the pavement, EviLinda body-slamming him like a professional wrestler. The axe finally falls out of Ash's holster and clatters onto the ground. He sits up, dazed, unable to move much. Then he sees something next to him. ASH Linda? ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA POSSESSED LINDA THERE IS NO MORE LINDA! SHE ROTS IN HELL! ANGLE ON ASH ASH Looks to me like she's rotting out here. POSSESSED LINDA HUH? ANOTHER ANGLE We see that somewhere near Ash is what appears to be the body of the real Linda, as she looked just outside the doors of the S-Mart, just before she became possessed. ASH You undead bitch! You didn't steal her body at all! You just dumped it out here, like garbage! Like trash! Was my girlfriend trash? HUH? Don't answer that. He stands up and grabs the Possessed Linda's jaw, forcing its mouth open. ASH Where is it? Where are you hiding her soul, damn you? Ash suddenly notices the necklace. VOICE OF REAL LINDA [faint] I don't want to be dead, Ash. ANGLE ON NECKLACE It sparkles in the moonlight. ANGLE ON ASH ASH The necklace. Without even looking, he yanks the necklace into his hands, severing the Possessed Linda's head as he does this. It falls with a "clunk" to the ground. He walks forward, toward the body of Linda. REVERSE ANGLE - ASH & BODY OF LINDA Slowly, cautiously, holding the necklace, he walks toward Linda's body. REVERSE ANGLE - POSSESSED LINDA She screws her head back on with a grunt and bares her teeth in anger. She gives a flick of her hand and -- REVERSE ANGLE - ASH & BODY OF LINDA A flash of light. Linda's body suddenly becomes possessed, like a marionette puppet made from a dead person. POSSESSED LINDA'S VOICE YOU SHALL NEVER DEFEAT THE ARMIES OF THE DEAD! ASH Yeah? Watch me. He pulls the shaking, possessed body of the real Linda down to where he can reach it, and slips the necklace around her neck. There is a FLASH of WHITE LIGHT. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She screeches and covers her eyes. ANGLE ON REAL LINDA & ASH Light is coarsing through her, out of every pore. She glows an unnatural yellow, and you seem to see right through her. She is being resurrected. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She is shaking -- the light is flowing right through her too, and is destroying her. She is unable to cover her eyes any longer, and a terrible light flows out of them ... the seam where her head was severed becomes very very obvious ... ANGLE ON REAL LINDA She is restored to look better than she did before. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA She screeches, and her body explodes. The head falls lifeless onto the pavement. ANGLE ON REAL LINDA & ASH She is alive. Her eyes open wide with a combination of happiness and fear. The light is burning so bright within her that it seems as if at any moment she might burst. Suddenly the light fails, and she drops limply to the ground. Ash takes her in his arms. LINDA I thought I'd never see you again. ASH I thought I'd never want to see you again. LINDA What? ASH Don't take any offense or nothin', but when you were possessed, you got real ugly. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LINDA'S HEAD The severed head of the possessed Linda, bleeding into oblivion on the ground, springs to life suddenly. POSSESSED LINDA YOU AND YOUR BITCH LINDA WILL ROT IN HELL! WE ARE VICTORIOUS! ALL WILL DIE! ANGLE ON ASH & LINDA ASH See what I mean? LINDA I'll get an axe. ASH I've already got one. He flips the axe out of his holster with a fancy motion. She takes it from his hand, smiling. POSSESSED LINDA Slay me and ten will rise to take my place! LINDA Yeah, well, everything's a gamble, isn't it? She steps forward, holding the axe like a pro. POSSESSED LINDA FEEL THE POWER OF THE NECRONOMICON! LINDA Feel this. With shocking savagery, Linda chops the other Linda into muck. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: 113 INT. S-MART BOOK AISLE, IN RUINS 113 Only about three minutes have passed. We see a slow pan over the ruins of S-Mart. There are many dead bodies, skeletal and otherwise, and even more blackened, human-shaped stains on the ground that indicate a body simply disintegrated. All that are left are Teddy, Emily, Eric, and six Lost Souls. TEDDY How many dead? EMILY Too many. We see Eric, in his chair, holding a damp cloth to his nose. ERIC Dear god, what an amazingly unpleasant smell. FIRST SOUL It's impossible to identify most of the bodies. The damage done to them by the Ultimate Evil was just too great. They simply ... .. disintegrated. Ash and Linda walk into view. EMILY Ash! You're alive! LINDA Relatively speaking. TEDDY No offense, old man, but we'd thought you were dead eight times over. ASH Don't believe everything you read in books. Watch movies instead. EMILY What are we going to do, Ash? ASH YOU'RE not going to do anything, Goldilocks. The evil doesn't want you. I don't even think it wanted Linda. It wants me. I have to face it on my own. ANGLE ON ASH, DEFIANT We see he's got his gun back. His mechanical arm makes a whirring noise as he loads it. ASH Bring me my uniform. TEDDY Your uniform? I thought you quit this place. ASH Well, it didn't quit me. Let's go. CAMERA PANS AROUND ASH A perfect quarter circle -- as it moves around his back everything goes dark -- 114 MATCH CUT S-MART, CAMERA STILL MOVING 114 The camera comes out of darkness still moving around Ash, and as it moves to the front of him it pulls back. In one unbroken camera movement we see him transformed, now dressed as an S-Mart clerk, cleaned-up and ready to kick some Deadite ass. The First Soul approaches him with the battered human flesh sheets that comprise the Lost Pages of the Necronomicon. He is also holding the second ice grenade. FIRST SOUL I was unable to find any copies of the paperback Necronomicon that survived the battle. But these Lost Pages are all you need. They contain the words that will summon the beast and allow you to confront and perhaps reverse the damage it has caused. ASH More damned words ... Ash snatches up the priceless pages and crumples them into his pocket. FIRST SOUL You will also need this, the second ice grenade ... ASH No. No more of that thing. I was a different person when I made that. I don't need him anymore. FIRST SOUL But these could very well save your ... ASH Button it, deadhead. I'm doing this one alone. FIRST SOUL Suit thyself. ASH Well, that's about it then. LINDA Wish him luck, damn you! ERIC, EMILY, TEDDY, AND LOST SOULS Luuuuck. ASH Let's pray we live to see dawn. If you do and I don't ... Teddy, I want you to have my chainsaw. TEDDY Uh, thanks. DISSOLVE TO: 115 EXT. S-MART, OUTSIDE FRONT DOORS, NIGHT 115 The stormiest, most horrendously ominous night in history. Ash walks outside clutching the precious pages of the book. ASH Well, here goes humanity. He SCREAMS OUT AN INCANTATION, a very long one at that. There is a long pause. Nothing happens. Ash yawns. Suddenly, there is an EARTHQUAKE, an UPHEAVAL, an enormous seismic change. The ground has come alive ... it lifts up Ash and the S-Mart ... Ash has a much more prominent fire and quake and upheaval under him than the S-Mart has, and he is eventually dumped flat on his face somewhere on the S-Mart roof. The ultimate evil appears. It is very big, very black, and slightly sparkly. Possessed Jane and Burt are with it, along with other things that we cannot see. It is female, and we cannot see it directly. We only see blackness, complete blackness. It is seventy feet high, and growing. EVIL ONE At last we meet, Ashley. ASH The name's Ash. He cocks his rifle. ASH Housewares. EVIL ONE The clothing matters little. A man in uniform is still just a man. Weak underneath, spineless, crushable. ASH Yeah? And you're ugly. EVIL ONE You insult me? ASH I'll do more than that in a minute. EVIL ONE [laughs] Amusing insect. ASH You're nothing, y'hear me, nothing! EVIL ONE [laughs] I am everything. I am evil. ASH Evil? You're a bad halloween show. People went to see you, they'd ask for their money back. Just a couple meaningless shapes and shadows in the dark. Hints of things, impressions, glimpses. EVIL ONE The cowardice and hatred in men. ASH All they've got in 'em that's weak. You feed yourself on fear. Trouble for you is, I'm not afraid. EVIL ONE You think I will bow down and leave, thanks to the strength of one foolish man? ASH You forget how strong and foolish I really am. EVIL ONE I do not. ASH Go home, sugarcakes, or I'll blow your undead brains in. EVIL ONE I will never end your torment, Ash. You are mine. ASH Then come get some of me. The Evil One, now up to her full hundred-foot height, opens her mouth wide, and fifty tormented souls can be seen within, moaning. Ash just spins his rusty hand defiantly at her, and flips a repeating Winchester rifle into his grip. He fires two shots, which go right through her, and her massive jaws bite down on him. We see her suck him down like candy. Ash screams and is gone. POSSESSED BURT You got him. EVIL ONE Yep. POSSESSED BURT Now that wasn't so hard, was it? EVIL ONE Nope. Actually, in the end it was kind of easy. FURTHER DOWN We see Emily and Teddy, climbing up the burning spire in great pain. Emily is holding Ash's chainsaw. BACK UP TOP POSSESSED JANE Shall we destroy the rest of the human race now, o evil one? EVIL ONE Sure, why not? Fetch me some wild boar's meat too, will you? I need thicker blood. A low buzzing sounds in the distance. EVIL ONE What is that noise? POSSESSED BURT It sounds like the human Ash. EVIL ONE It can't be! I swallowed his soul! We see Teddy trying to hold Emily up in the air. She looks quite frightened, cutting into the Evil One's leathery skin with a chainsaw she doesn't quite know how to use. Intestinal juice is spilling out all over Teddy. It has covered up his glasses. He scowls. EVIL ONE No! I feel his blade yet! He still lives! Linda steps forward, surrounded by smoke and flame. She has a shotgun and batting glove on, and her hair is tied back. She wears a tight S-Mart uniform and looks exactly like a female version of Ash. LINDA That's right jerkface, he still lives, in the memory of everyone who ever met him. Out of the distance, we see six lost souls rise up. Their transparent, ghostly forms are all dressed like Ash too. LINDA He was a fighter. A warrior. A loud-mouthed braggart. He was mean to women and nasty to men. He made more enemies than anyone I've ever known. All the lost souls are now clearly equipped with chainsaws for one arm, shotguns for the other. The chainsaws start up, and the guns point themselves straight at the Evil One. LINDA And I loved him. He taught me what human beings are supposed to be. SOULS REAL BASTARDS! LINDA If some evil bitch with a shriveled grapefruit for a head comes up to you and tries to pull your eyes out, what do you do? Do you run away? SOULS NO! LINDA You shoot it! SOULS SHOOT IT! They fire all their guns forward over Linda's head. The Evil One screeches. Emily is still going at her side with the chainsaw. LINDA We're human beings. We own this planet, regardless of how much we do to screw it up. Who cares if sometimes we act like jerks? We're in charge, dammit, and we want it to stay that way! SOULS RIGHT! They all reload at once. LINDA So if you wanna stamp out our human race, YOU DISGUSTING PILE OF UNDEAD MONKEY SPIT, I've got a little something to say to you! Everyone whistles at once, in Ash's manner. SOULS YOU WANT SOME? COME GET SOME. The souls fly out, yelling a battle-cry, chainsaws roaring. Linda jumps out of the way and runs for her life. The souls fly around the Evil One's spitting, shouting head, nicking her as they do with all their chainsaws have to offer. Emily tosses Ash's own chainsaw into the gaping hole she's dug in the Evil One's side, and falls into Teddy's arms, frightened. Teddy is very pleased by this, to say the least. Carrying her, he runs for his life too. The souls' rapid movements set the Evil One's head spinning round and round. Soon we can see little but white and red streaks. The circle they make around her head gets thinner and thinner, indicating that they are whittling the Evil One's head down to nothing. There is a terrible screeching sound -- a thousand screams, bound together with duct tape. We hear another chainsaw sputter to life INSIDE the Evil One, and a geyser of blood flows out of the hole Emily made. Then, a bloody chainsaw sticks out. It stops, and a bloody hand reaches out. Then a bloody Ash falls out, quite painfully. Acid spews on his face, and he screams. Trying to wipe it off, sneezing and whining, he just plain runs. In a fantastic pyrotechnic display, the Evil One, minus a head, tries to suck the stars themselves into her dying body. She begins to implode, and all the evil forces which tormented the town are drawn into her. The lost souls are the last to go. SECOND SOUL We will not survive this, you know. THIRD SOUL I know. I am undead. Do you think I know nothing about failing to survive things? FOURTH SOUL It is glorious. We give our lives for the cause. FIFTH SOUL Hope I go to heaven this time. I really hate hell. SIXTH SOUL Oh, hell's not so bad. They are dragged down into the abyss, but as the First Soul goes he tosses down the second ice grenade ... Ash, covered head to toe in incredibly thick blood, catches up to Teddy, Emily, and Linda, all of whom are watching the whole of the S-Mart hell collapse in upon itself like a deck of cards being burnt up in slow-motion. This they watch from the safe distance of the other side of the street. No one sees Ash -- their eyes are open too wide on the spectacle of a billion pinpricks of evil bursting into fireworks in the sky. The ice grenade hits on a rolling hill and rolls with it -- The spires of S-Mart Hell collapse so thoroughly that they start to suck the very ground down too. There is an enormous hole in the ground, and it is growing. Very, very fast. Teddy, Emily, Linda and Ash realize this when the ground starts to give under them. TEDDY For god's sake! How do you stop it? Eric screams and is sucked down into the dirt. As he goes down the ice grenade lands in his dying hands. He thinks a moment and throws it as far as he can. Ash notices and jumps to catch it. Which he does. Teddy, Emily, and Linda run at top speed, and the entire forest disappears into the void. They are not running fast enough. Ash is sucked down into the dirt. LINDA ASH! Ash is buried alive ... but wait! We see his hands burst out of the ground! He still has the ice grenade! With his last gasp he pulls the pin ... There is an enormous explosion. The ground turns to ice, everywhere. Everything freezes, including Ash. it begins to snow. But the void is no longer growing. A moment's pause. A frozen Ash is thrust out of the ground, which suddenly hardens flat. The Ashsicle begins to melt from the heat of the warm earth and blood covering him. He breaks free, shivering. He breaks one of the pages the lost souls gave him free, too. It is frozen stiff. ASH Th-there. That wasn't s-so tough, now was it? There is no response. Teddy, Emily and Linda are frozen. Their faces are locked into visions of horror, still caught in mid-stride. Ash is looking depressed at the pages. ASH Let's see -- what does this thing say? A pause. Dammit! I can't read these stupid Frenchy words! Another pause. Now we see Ash's face look upwards, with an expression we've not seen on him before. He looks like evil Ash, but he is not possessed. He speaks in a more intelligent voice. Sound it out. Losing some of the intelligent expression, but none of his basic determination, Ash looks over the page again. There's nothing ancient about this alphabet. It's a translation. I can read this. It's a different language, but I can read it. Necronomicon enthos regorgitas manos deferros davurldas ARBOS! A tree next to Ash becomes unfrozen, and starts to bloom. Wait a minute! Arbos. Arbor day. That's a tree. Necronomicon enthos regorgitas manos deferros davurldas LINDA! Linda comes back to life, and warmth. She breathes hard, as if she'd been drowning. Ash laughs madly and triumphantly. Necronomicon enthos regorgitas manos deferros davurldas TEDDY! Teddy is instantly unfrozen, and falls flat on his face on the ground. He has tripped over his own feet. Necronomicon enthos regorgitas manos deferros davurldas EMILY! Emily becomes unfrozen, slaps her heart to start it beating again. She sees Teddy, and bends down to help him up. Her legs make a cracking noise, and she winces. She's still not quite unfrozen yet. Necronomicon enthos regorgitas manos deferros davurldas S-MART! And this is what does it. The frozen void warms up and rises again. Rows and rows of trees and road reappear from out of nothingness. One man, in his car, honks his horn impatiently and drives out of the hole as if nothing had happened. Everything is suddenly in full spring bloom, alive as if there had never been death in the world, and never would be again. And finally, at the center of it all, the ruins of the S-Mart rise up and reform themselves into a brand spanking new S-Mart, clean and sparkling. The automatic doors open, and Eric, in a wheelchair, bewilderedly wheels himself out. A pause. No one says anything. ASH What a bucketload of screwball shit that was, huh? DISSOLVE TO: A new and nicer S-Mart, still selling middle-range stuff at middle-range prices. Ash walks into view, with the smug hint of a smile. He clips on a new employee tag reading "Assistant Manager." The doors "ding" open and Linda walks in, in a green spring dress, very fancy. LINDA (sexily) Why hello, Mr. Assistant Manager. ASH And good day to you, Miss Unemployed. We see Emily, on crutches, enter. She has her leg in an Ace Bandage but is wearing her weekend clothes well. She hops over to checkout, where Teddy growls amorously at her, scanning frozen dinners and menswear at record speed. EMILY What are you working today for? Eric said that after what happened last night, we could all take one day off, anytime. He stops in the middle of scanning an old man's fedora hat. TEDDY You're taking yours now? EMILY Of course, silly. TEDDY So am I. He plunks the hat on his head, and over his eyes, grinning, and turns to leave. Wait, lemme get my coat. He grabs a long trenchant from the same shopping cart and tosses it on his back. The tags flap defiantly as he carries Emily off. Remember, always shop smart! Shop S-Mart! A small alarm goes off as he leaves. We see Eric in his office, swear and shut it off. Linda is very close to Ash, and there is a dewiness in her eyes. ASH Everything's changed, hasn't it? LINDA You've changed. ASH I have? LINDA Don't worry, it's for the better. LINDA I'm gonna get respectable now, Linda. Leave it all behind. Snag a house, and a real career. I'll be a one-woman guy this time. She embraces him. He embraces her. We see that there is a chainsaw permanently attached to his right arm. LINDA ... But what about the chainsaw? ASH I'm not gonna change that much, baby. He grabs her ass, and they kiss. The camera pulls back through the aisles. Whistles and applause from some of the shoppers, who are watching. A hideous horned deadite now swoops down in front of the camera and shoots forward toward Ash. Pull forward. He pulls his lips off of Linda's, and revs his chainsaw. It flies right at him screeching, and is cut in half immediately. Black blood splatters on the ground, and one of the maintenance kids, with a bucket and mop, cleans it up. Slightly cautious cheers from some of the shoppers. LINDA You hear that, Ash? They're cheering for you. You're still the king. ASH Yeah. Hail to the king, baby. LINDA And hail to the queen. ASH Shut your stinking pie-hole, Linda. They kiss again. Pull back through the aisles. One living-skeleton Deadite turns to another. SKELETON Let's get the hell out of here! The two skeletons run away. DISSOLVE TO: Grainy black-and-white footage. The distorted final words of Evil Ash. EVIL ASH A moment's peace this morning with it brings. The night, for sorrow, will not show its face. Go hence, to have more talk of these frightening things; Of the fear and cowardice we have for the moment displaced. For never was a tale told of more dread Than this one, of Ash, and the Evil Dead. SMASH CUT TO CREDITS T H E E N D