Wow, pathetically this is my first entry for 2004. I probably wouldn't be writing in this right now if it weren't for some girl from New Zealand commenting on my site. So, because I have absolutely nothing to do at the moment, I figured I may as well enter a few paragraphs of my feelings onto this site, that perhaps a few people will read.

I have gotten into trouble writing my feelings about people on here, most notably Michelle. I suppose I could begin again with "slander" (that was never the purpose of this site, it was always just a creative outlet to actually compose my true thoughts seeing as how I'm too lazy to keep a journal and too lazy to write my creative thoughts down onto paper). This probably won't be a very interesting entry to anyone, nor have any of my other entries, except if they are directly related towards the person. Well, here goes nothing.

Today has been quite uneventful. In fact my last weekend in college has been pathetically uneventful. Friday was a good time, playing poker at the BoardRoom, playing billiards on some obscenely small pool tables, and what-not. My buddy was supposed to go to a party with me, but he flaked out, so I ended up looking for a party that wasn't even remotely close to the region that he said it was for 2 1/2 hours. Saturday night was even weaker... I took a three hour nap from 7 to 10 p.m. and then couldn't go to sleep after that.

Today, not much better. I did end up getting waffles at the Zoo, probably my last breakfast there ever which feels really weird. Strangely depressing. It's funny, I'm leaving everyone that I know here, all of my female interests, all of my friends, and the one thing that makes me feel depressed is the fact that this will be the last time I will have a Sunday breakfast at the Zoo. Probably, because I have the realization in the back of my mind that the fact of the matter is, I would never have a chance with any of the girls who I am interested in here (or at least my mind will never let me have a chance), and the friends I do have here, feel strangely out of reach. They don't feel like they would be there for me if something went wrong. They all say they would be, and I'm sure a few definitely would go out of their way to do so, but merely because they would feel obligated to. I don't believe they would feel compassion towards me, and the fact that they would need to help me out because of the emminent threat of tragedy.

I do not however, regret coming here. I think college is an excellent place for a young adult, there is no limit to possibilities that lie here, and that's just in the middle of Montana. I can't imagine what it would be like going to the University of Miami or Syracuse or some joint like that. I believe to a certain extent it would be overwhelming. I know I could have tried to come back this next semester. I know I could have passed every class that I took this year and last year, even if it meant having to visit some tutors (Geology and Algebra would be the only ones), with out much trouble at all. But, the fact is, none of the studies (make that very few) actually interest me, and I do not see the purpose of continuing to pay a school $14,000 a year when I do not value the education they are teaching me.

What I believe I did learn though, was the fact that I can live out on my own now, I can survive socially. My senior year in high school at Lely, was an eye-opener and I was able to socialize. Now I believe that out of the 40 some odd friends that I have made here, I can actually move to a place where I am able to coexist and make friends with people. This all sounds very pathetic and ridiculous, but I simply could not function in society on my own a year or two ago. I could, but on a thin border-line. I had S.A.D. and until a few months into the school year, I think I still had it. Now, will come the test to see if I can actually make myself go to work. I am a lazy piece of shit, and ultimately I need to become more responsible. I believe I need someone to kick me in my ass in order to keep going, although that didn't work very well when my parents tried to. I think if it were a female, where I felt I couldn't afford to lose her, because I cared so much for her, then it would actually become effective. Otherwise, I don't see it happening. I have a great sense of neutrality to plenty of situations, although I'll bet many people will disagree with me.

In any case, I need to get my shit together and work my ass off this summer so that I can move out to Laguna Beach, California, and pursue whatever happens to be out there. I miss the ocean desperately, and I need to get back to it. I think California will provide a much better haven for me than Florida did, simply because it is not below sea-level like Florida is. It actually has rolling hills around the area, and the Sierra's aren't too far away either. During the winter, I can satisfy my cold and snow addiction (as well as mountain), by snowboarding merely two hours away. Every single band no matter how notable or unnotable makes their way to Los Angeles County for a concert. The unemployment rate is 3.6%, and Los Angeles is 25 minutes away, so work should not be a problem. Rent could get steep, but hopefully I can room with someone, or work something out where I'll only have to pay $250-350 a month to live 1-3 blocks away from the beach. And most importantly, I can work on my skimboarding. Hopefully, I can get my ass out to the ocean in the early morning, catch some decent waves and practice, work during the day, come back exhausted in the evening and chill with Lesley. I won't be bored, I'll get exercise daily (weather permitting), and maybe actually get a love-life going. I'm not sure how I feel about Lesley at the moment, I'll have to just keep an open-mind and not feel guilty about any decisions. Ultimately, I always try to work things that will make everyone happy, or less sad/angry as possible. In the wise words of Nic, "Dating is supposed to be fun". I shouldn't try to make it more difficult than it is, and I sure as hell don't want a relationship to go all the way 'til marriage just yet. But then again, I don't want to hit that period that I was in a month ago, where I was scarily desperate (I think I'm still feeling bits of that), and seriously considering going out with some low I.Q./whores/unattractive/all-around girl who I would never go for in my right mind. It seems as though romantic interests never happen correctly if you are trying to get them or make them happen. If you force something it won't feel right for you or the other person. I need to go with my strategy that I've had for the majority of my life, and I need to get back into it for that's when I'm happiest. I just need to go with the flow, and let life lead me where it wants to.

-Dan, dhurrikane@hotmail.com