Tune in next week, when Colonel Lunch P. Meat weds Harriet Ham
on TV's top rates Soap Opera "These Are The Days Of Our Deli"

Ace: Huh what?  I missed it!! Damn it!! I'm so proud of that pack of meat.  And to think, I knew him before he was Colonel Lunch P. Meat.  I knew him when he was just Lunch Meat.  I miss the little guy.

Ace feels a sharp pain in his head and nearly falls of of the leather recliner he is sitting on.  He holds his head for a few seconds and the pain begins to fade away.

Ace: What am I talking about.  That's a CGI pack of meat, on a ridiculous TV show.  And I need some aspirin.  And I could go for some food, and I have to prepare for a World Title Match.  And I have an opponent who is missing in action.  Not to mention I'm ranting and raving, and I'm the only person listening, because I am the only person here.  I need to get a serious girlfriend, because I am the last person I want to be having a conversation with.

Ace gets up from the chair and brushes some potato chip crumbs from off of his shirt.  The shirt is stained with beer and orange soda, and his boxers hanging off his ass.

Ace: What the hell is wrong with me!  I'm not championship material.  I'm a loser.  But I'm not a loser, I'm "The Ace Of Spades", I'm "The Newest Icon In Wrestling!!"  I need to take a shower.

Ace walks up the stairs in his home and goes into his bathroom.  He is the only person in the house so he leaves the door open.  He turns on the shower and lets the water run for a bit.  Ace takes off his stained shirt and throws in on the floor.  Then he takes off his boxers and throws them on the floor.  He tests the water with his foot and enters the shower.

Ace: OH SHIT!! HOT HOT HOT!!!!

Ace jumps out of the shower and adjusts the water.  He tests it again and goes back into the shower stall.  He begins washing, by scrubbing his face.  Then his arms.  He continues to wash, and then he starts to hum.  The humming eventually turns into singing.

Ace: If you like to gamble, I tell ya I'm your man...You win some, ya lose some it's all the same to me.  The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say.  I don't share your greed the only card I need is...THE ACE OF SPADES, THE ACE OF SPADES!!

Ace begins to make some cheering noises, and then speaks in a higher toned voice, to imitate Eddie Daniels. 

Ace: OH MY GOD!! Ace just hit the Ace's wild on Tiger!!  1---2---3!!  HE WON!! Ace is the new champ!!

Ace lathers rinses and repeats and then shuts off the water.  He steps out of the shower stall and drips onto the floor for a few seconds.  Then he takes a towel and wraps it around his waist.  He leaves the bathroom and walks to the room across the hall AKA his bedroom.  On his bed are a bunch of clothes.  They are just piled on the bed.  He picks up off the bed a pair of boxers off the bed and puts them on.  He throws his towel on the bed, because it is no longer needed.  He finds a pair of lacrosse shorts and puts them on.  He then picks a Wife Beater up and puts that on.

Ace: Maybe I'll hit the gym.  Start getting ready for the match.  Or maybe I'll just have some lunch.  I have cold pizza in the fridge.  Actually, I have an even better idea.

Ace walks over to a stereo in his bedroom and hits play.  A voice starts to speak.

Voice: Lay down and close your eyes.

Ace lays down and closes his eyes.

Voice: Thinks of your special place.  Think of a calm place.  You are one with nature.  You are at peace with yourself.  Picture in your mind what you want most to happen in your life.  Believe it, and it will happen.

Ace thinks of winning the world title and he smiles.  The tape keeps saying encouraging words, and it is accompanied by some peaceful music.  While the music is playing and the voice is speaking Ace dozes off.