Dating is currently the most popular way in the United States to find a mate. This practice has been around for less than a hundred years, but it is already considered by many to be the best way to seek out a compatible spouse. An obvious, but never asked question is whether or not the opinion of the masses is correct. A few brave people have recently stepped out and exposed some of dating’s deficiencies. These people argue that dating is not only a harmful practice but also one that is contradictory to God’s word.
Joshua Harris, in his controversial book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, is the most recognizable figure to boldly refute the custom of dating. In his book, he outlines “seven habits of highly defective dating” or “’swerves’ dating relationships often make” (31). The first, “dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment,” explains that dating often encourages intimacy for the sake of intimacy (32). Intimacy is the experiencing of the essence of the person’s self in intense intellectual, physical and/or emotional communion with another person (Balswick and Balswick 20). This first swerve expounds that people date in order to enjoy physical and emotional intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment (Harris 33). The book Too Close, Too Soon accurately describes today’s modern society in saying, “alliances are often hastily devised and easily discarded at the first signs of conflict or disillusionment, as people search for the magic of instant love” (15). Mr. Harris uses 1 Thessalonians 4:6, to illustrate how defrauding-“raising expectations but not delivering on the promise”- this is (Harris 34). This practice is highly dangerous and often leads to scared emotions and fear of intimacy.
Another swerve that Joshua points out is that “dating tends to skip the ‘friendship’ stage of a relationship” (34). He clarifies this by describing the difference between friendship and romance. He states that in friendship, mutual interest brings two people together. On the other hand, in a dating romance, attraction is what unites two people and gives the two people motivation to get to know each other (35). Having only this attraction will never be a very supportive foundation for any relationship.
The third habit states that “dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love” (Harris 35). The difference between “just friends” and a “more than friends” relationship is mainly the physical component. Unfortunately, physical intimacy tends to twist two people’s perspectives of each other, which could lead to unwise choices (Harris 37). Talley and Reed expand upon Harris’s ideas. In a dating relationship, there are "a whole gamut of interpersonal emotions often interpreted as love. Infatuation, sexual attraction, and romantic attachment make people feel so good in the presence of the object of those emotions that the experience is labeled ‘true love’…. Yet, true love is so much more than good feelings" (14). Josh makes an important point in saying: “Just because lips have met doesn’t mean that hearts have joined. And just because two bodies are drawn to each other doesn’t mean that two people are right for each other. A physical relationship doesn’t equal love” (Harris 36).
The fourth point explains that “dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships” (Harris 37). By definition, “dating is about two people focusing on each other. Unfortunately, in most cases the rest of the world fades into the background” (37). Mr. Harris uses Proverbs 15:22, to illustrate the harm in letting one relationship crowd out others (38). It states, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” If, in a dating relationship, two people allow themselves to focus so much on each other that their other relationships begin to disintegrate, the two could very easily loose perspective (Harris 38).
The fifth swerve illustrates that “dating, in many cases distracts young adults from their primary purpose of preparing for the future” (Harris 39). Instead of equipping themselves with the education, character, and experience necessary to succeed in life, many people allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes” (39).
The fifth habit leads in to the sixth which states, “dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness” (Harris 40). Anytime people are not in a dating relationship, they can use their free time to prepare for the future, help others, spend more time in the Word, or do many other things. Instead, America’s dating scene has caused many people to feel inadequate if they are not currently involved in a relationship. Instead of using God’s gift of singleness in a beneficial way, many people fret over how they can escape their present state. This is poor stewardship of time (41).
Lastly, dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character” (Harris 41) “that doesn’t demand a person to accurately portray his or her positive and negative characteristics” (42). Instead of viewing a person in such a misleading environment, an effort should be made to view him or her in real-life settings (42).
Josh’s main point throughout the entire book is that dating is primarily a selfish custom that scars many people. In dating, Christ’s selfless love is not modeled. Instead, many people are left both intentionally and unintentionally deeply hurt. Josh suggests that if two people are not prayerfully considering marriage then they have no business pursuing romance.
Very few people will agree with this message. They will argue that dating is an important factor in learning how to communicate and compromise with the opposite sex. They believe that dating is a training ground for marriage, and it is. Unfortunately, dating forms negative patterns that people will carry into their future marriages. A person cannot practice lifelong commitment in a series of short-term relationships (Harris 69). Dating is a horrible way to prepare for marriage. After all, “who wants to marry someone who will ditch a relationship the moment romantic feelings wane? Who wants to marry a person who has developed a habit of breaking up and finding someone new when the going gets tough” (70). Dating, although commonly believed to be a training ground for marriage is actually a training ground for divorce.
Another argument made is that without dating, people would be unable to wisely select a mate. This option is deeply flawed. Many of the primary motives why people date include recreation, socialization, and fulfillment of love and affection needs (Goff). These reasons are from necessary in finding a spouse. Also, on average, when looking for a dating partner, many people look for extrinsic characteristics (Goff). The most common involve physical attraction and sense of humor (Goff). In contrast, when looking for a marriage partner, many people tend to seek intrinsic characteristics such as honesty and loyalty (Goff). These intrinsic traits can be more objectively observed in the context of friendship. Therefore, it is not necessary to traditionally date in order to wisely select a spouse.
After examining dating, it is easy to see that although this custom is widely accepted within the United States, it is not technically the best way to find a mate or model Christ’s love. Deep friendship is a wonderful alternative to dating, especially in the ages where the prospect of marriage is not possible. Learning how to communicate, socialize, and get to know a person in friendship will aid in the decision to find a spouse later in life without dating’s negative consequences.
Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K. Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Family. 2nd ed. Grand Rapids: Baler, 1999.
Goff, Doyle R. "Module III." Class Lecture. Psychology 220A. Lee U, Cleveland. 24 Sep. 1999.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Oregon: Multnomah, 1997.
Holy Bible. NIV. Colorado Springs: International Bible, 1984.
Talley, Jim, and Bobbie Reed. Too Close, Too Soon. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1990.
