It's pretty rare that a film pisses me off spectacularly. A fair proportion are met with apathy (Sense and Sensibility - I fell asleep) or blank incomprehension (Mulholland Drive - though I understand that's a common reaction). On a few, however, I walk out of the cinema thinking, "Well, that wasn't as good as I was led to believe." Over the weeks I brood, often in the bath or at three a.m., thinking over more reasons why the film was awful. Eventually, it all reaches a critical mass, I find a keyboard, and there's an explosion of furious loathing. So, without further ado...

The Matrix Not a choice which will win me much support, I'm sure. The characters were wooden. The dialogue made my teeth crawl. The science was beyond awful: they did not know the definition of a virus, for purple's sake. The look was stolen from The Crow, minus the face paint, as was the stylish ultraviolence. The slow-motion anti-gravity fight scenes were quite pretty, but cool fight scenes are more important for martial arts films, and Bruce Lee had more talent in his little finger. To a science fiction audience, special effects and cool costumes are not enough. We've seen them all before. They are, quite literally, scenery. To really impress us, have a decent script. My main gripe, however, was the plot. Reality is not reality, and aliens are secretly in charge of our every move and thought? Oh, fnord. It's all so original and revolutionary - to someone who has never encountered science fiction in his or her life. Lawrence Fishburne was the best thing about it, but watch him in Othello instead, where his talents are not wasted.

Philadelphia The freedom to be exactly the same as straight people is no freedom at all (see also Will from Will and Grace), and I'm not in the mood to die from AIDS. We're lousy with martyrs anyway. Sorry.

Kissing Jessica Stein Bicurious girl goes out with bisexual girl, they have non-issues and they break up. And everyone has long, painted fingernails (OUCH!). And our eponymous heroine is only a lesbian because she just hasn't met the right man yet. Vomit.

I'm sure this will get updated as I get conned into seeing more of these things. They are all so very Bad and Wrong.