Feminist. I said feminist. Femmmmmmmmminisssssssssssssssst. Seething, hissing, hairy, man-hating, boiler-suit-wearing, foetus-aborting, baby-stealing, nasty, who-would-want-to-be-one feminist.

Feminists Say, apparently. They say, they say, they say (many different things). This is despite the fact that, as forty years of catfights attest (my personal favourites are any ones involving her illustrious majesty Ms. Germaine Greer), we don't have a consensus. One Token Feminist does not Speak For Her Sisters.

Things Would Be Better On A Feminist Website, apparently. This is not, you note, any sensible discussion of gender issues, or anything related to an everyday woman's everyday life. These Things are anything offensive, preferably violent, especially man-hating and, yes, well, lesbian.

We're Not Feminists, apparently. Usually heard from irritating, ungrateful, talent-free girl groups who are, nonetheless, happy to scream about 'girl power', as long as it is the power to wear crippling footwear and get STDs. Occasionally heard from people who just don't know the sodding definition.

"Feminism fem'in-izm, n advocacy of women's rights, or of the movement for the advancement and emancipation of women. - n fem'inist an advocate or favourer of feminism; a student of women. - Also adj. - adj feminist'ic. (L femina woman)" (Chambers Dictionary, 1998 edition, with thanks to TenMinJoe from E2).

"fe'minism n. Advocacy of extended recognition of claims and achievements of women; advocacy of women's rights." (Mini Oxford Encyclopaedic Dictionary, 1986 edition).

I am a feminist. I want the same legal rights as a male in the same or equivalent situation. I do not tolerate attempts to remove said rights. It's my party, and I'll shave my legs if I want to but, honey, there are so many more important things in life. What's silky-smooth legs to a woman without equal rights in matters political, social and financial?

I know, I know: "Your radical ideas about feminism have already occurred to others".