Shut it!
2) Whatever happened to the Drewlogy? That was hilarious.
Drew has found his final resting place on my archive page
3) Can I steal your ideas for my website?
No.
4) Where do you find the time?!
It's always in the last place I look. Actually it is an issue. I spend an unhealthy amount of time here.
5) I never know when you're serious and when you're joking! How can I tell?
You just have to ask me, really. I once made a page of lies to guide visitors like yourself round some of my more ambiguous regions.
6) What's your favourite chat up line you've delivered, and what's the best one you've had?
I was really impressed by the guy sitting next to me in the park, who came off a conversation on his mobile and said "I have been told to get your number". The best one I've given was possibly "Hi, I'm Leila. You've probably heard of me."
7) How do I know which pictures stand for which pages?
There is, in fact, a rough logic to it. The links, for example, are represented by my two linked hands. Like this, you see?
8) How long has this site been going?
In various forms, almost exactly two years.
9) What is the point of the site?
It started as an egocentric celebration of me, with a few serious bits, went through a bit of an abstract song lyric-driven phase, but then it all got out of hand and no one could understand the idiosyncratic logic of my navigation system. So I guess its point is always changing. I use it as a diary mainly, and a showcase for things I have to show off. And it fills a great deal of time that I might otherwise be spending committing crimes, or crying.
10) What's the Akira connection?
There is precisely none. I love the film and its aesthetic. TETSUO! KanEDAAAAAAA! So forth.
11) What makes you laugh on your site?
An enduring source of amusement is my Reviews page, and the line in the first ever version of this site, at the top of the "about me" page, "thank you for pressing my button"...I still find that funny.
12) Why do you update your diary page so often?
Because I have a lot of free time, and always seem to have something to share! It is basically just a diary to me, except far less personal. If I can't be bothered to do something on the main site, like the peice on Gerard Gilbert, but need to Memo it, I'll tell the world my plans in there, and it reminds me to get round to it, too.
13) Who is this "Sandy" and why are they always text of the week?
Sandy is a good pal of mine, he's very often text of the week because I get more texts from him than most other people, and I usually find them funny. (Text of the week has been going for longer than its archive so a lot Sandy's peaches from past months are now lost forever)
14) Why haven't you replied to my email?
I think it's best if we let things lie for a while.
15) Why is everything you do so predictable?
Because there are days - lots of them- when everything seems really predictable. Is that good enough? I follow a pattern, but I don't set it. You can't break a regime and know you're doing it, because the knowing about it is informed by the regime too. You can only be unpredictable without knowing about it. So I've asked myself my own questions, and answered them myself, and all I'm doing is tracing over my own style-systems. I don't know what I'm going to say til it's said. But you do, because, by now, you know my style better than I do. So its predictable to the reader and not to me, which is why I have to ask myself these questions.
1) What annoys you?
People making that Eric Clapton joke. Also, people who visit my website and don't sign the Guestbook. People who sit next to me on public transport, even though there are plenty of spare seats elsewhere. Walking through sneezes. People who think they are wiser than they are. People who always respond to certain questions with an unfunny scripted reply, "What's up?" "The sky!" . Your religion. The fact Hotmail takes longer to load than any other website. The way I never ever lie in. The way men think all women are the same. People who think it's fine to tell me I look really old for my age. Anyone who mentions "Sister Wendy" when they find out what I'm studying.
2) Are you a vegetarian because you love animals?
No. It's because I hate vegetables.
3) That's an old one. Where do you get your sense of humour?
I get my taste for rubbish jokes from my Dad. I love jokes actually, really love them.
4)What would you write for a Personals Ad about yourself- 10 words?
"Bubbly" female, 23, GSOH, selfish arrogant ugly. WLTM male lookalike.
5) What are you drinking?
I don't drink beer, sorry. I like spirits, liqueurs, cocktails and fortified wines. For I am woman.
6) Why do you study Art History when you obviously don't really give a shit about it?
Good question. I'm really looking forward to getting out of it now. It's the kind of subject you really have to love, and I'm starting to realise I love success more than I love art. So there's my 'tude issue.
7) Why are you single?
Yes, this seems to be something of a curio to many people. I've tried different flavours of relationship from my mid teens onwards, and it took a while for me to see that I needed to change and grow up and stuff, and could only really do that if I didn't have anyone to hide behind. I'm now filling all my space with my lovely friends, and there's no space left for anyone else! Hahaha! Oh and I'm a selfish bitch, and no bugger will have me.
8) Which fictional or mythological characters do you identify with?
Joan of Arc, Blossom, Narnia's Ice Queen, the Artful Dodger, Mary Poppins, Matilda (Roald Dahl), Daria (American Cartoon), The Black Rabbit of Inlay ( Watership Down), the Scarlet Pimpernell, Nell, The Rain Man, and D.A.R.Y.L.
9) How would you describe your home?
Extremely compressed. The landing smells like the art teacher's office.
10) Who are you trying to impress?
You.
11) What was the last CD you bought?
Evolution: Unnatural Selection
12) What do you make of all the hype concerning your alleged virginity?
I think you're confusing me with someone else. I refuse to discuss it, in any case.
13) Who's man of the moment?
Josh Harnett
14) What are your remaining ambitions?
I'd like to be a bridesmaid. But never a bride. I'd like to take a show to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'd like to get over myself, my past, my fears and angers. I'd like to get a novel published. I'd like to find Christina Farmer again. And, one day, I'd like to be gay.
15) What's the best advice you've ever had?
One of my friends recently said to me "Leila, get some fresh air."
16) What advice would you give your readers?
Always have a pen on you. But never admit to it.
17) What's the best joke you've ever heard?
For years it was "Knock Knock/ Who's there?/ Little old man who can't reach the doorbell" ... But I think mainly because that was the only joke I'd ever heard- I was about six. Then the word "bum" was hilarious for a few years, particularly as used by eighties rubber-faced impersonator Phil Cool his comedy song routine "The Four Bottoms". Through my teens I had only two good jokes, "What's green and invisible? This cabbage" and "How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?" "None, we've had it for a thousand years and it still works perfectly." At the moment I quite like this one I got off a "stoner jokes" list, years ago: "How many pancakes can you fit in a cathouse? None, canoes don't have wheels!" It is always helpful to have jokes up your sleeve, keep them with pens, for safety. I still hate The Far Side.
18) Who or what inspires you?
The following: Keith Arnatt's conceptual art, The League Against Tedium, Magazine lyrics, science fiction imagery, theme tunes, Michael Barrymore, bookshops, Edinburgh, Neighbours, "The Bar at the Folies Bergere", cracker jokes, tabloid journalism, Japanese film and manga, Gideon Sams, Kid 606, New Wave bands- especially the widely loathed and forgotten ones, the Situationist International, con artists, the Biosphere project, Leeds City Library staircase, Kevin Mitnick, Artauld's Theatre of Cruelty, Jon Ronson, conspiracy theories, streakers and The Three Investigators.
19) Can you describe your "type" in men?
Creative people, gorgeous people, geniuses, criminals, tall people, squaddies. And, apparently, pikey 17 year olds.
20) What were those dreadful hair extensions all about?
My hair is going grey and falling out. Something had to be done, oh yes. Now I just have pink, purple and white ones in.
21) How do you expect to die?
It will involve text messages and heavy traffic.
22) If I was a stalker (which I am not) where could I catch up with you live and bombard you with questions about your website that I could have already got the answers to on here if I'd bothered to read this page?
You can find me in Ziggys or the Evil Eye on Tuesday nights, in York, at the "Wendy House" club night in Leeds once a month, shopping in Leeds when I need to cheer myself up, at the City Screen whenever there's something good on, occasionally in the JBM Library at the York Uni, and very often in Vanbrugh bar in the daytime (the juke box thing) or Goodrick computer room, downstairs.
23) Isn't there something a bit weird about quizzing yourself on your own website?
You tell me.
24) No.